Monday, December 03, 2007

green eyed monster or just bad body image

Wow, another post just after I posted 2 days ago! I was just out surfing even though my computer is still in the shop but the laptop is working out ok.

What I wanted to talk about is the green eyed monster and my own body image. I am working on little sleep tonight as I have been burning the candle at both ends with my tests this week so maybe that's why I feel a little down. I find myself jealous of others in my college class or maybe it is guilt for how I measure up. The young, thin women that are so sure of themselves and their bodies. The lady next to me (that is actually older than me) that is so slim and trim and nice looking for her age. I can't chalk it up to her asian roots. This lady takes care of herself. I find that when we went out to lunch the other day I felt like a big cow when I see how little she eats. She reminds me of the girls from long ago, like high school who would say "I am so fat" and in reality they are so skinny. She didn't say that statement. It was more like, "wow, that is a huge portion of food" she got served and then eats like a mouse and has mammoth leftovers. I feel like she is saying to me and another lady, "do not eat all that is on you plate, you little piggies". I know a lot of it is me and how I feel right now about my body size. And, with the younger women, I just think 'wow, I was once like they are and thin and trim and confident'. Wow, I think, what the hell happened to me? How have I gotten so off course. And, the million dollar question, 'why can't I lose all this weight for good?'

Yeah, just feeling negative tonight. I guess I just get tired of it being on my mind every frickin single day of my life. I feel judged for my size, I don't feel as good as others that are thin. Somedays I do, I really do. I know my heart and my brain/my intelligence is on par with others but when did I quit taking care of myself? Why did I think that appearance didn't matter that much years ago after I was married? Why did I slide? I know a lot of it is emotional baggage and eating combined with issues in my life. Then of course, being more sedentary and having a child added to it.

That just reminded me of a conversation classmates were having about the after effects of having a child and what it can do to your body. They older lady I was talking about was saying to the young 20 somethings "you can have a good body after having a child, I didn't have stretch marks". Then someone says, "well, then you get saggy boobs after childbirth" and she is like "no you don't have to". I'm thinking I don't know, does she need her ego stroked that she is looking good after 2 kids. I find her to be a bit of a flirt and likes the attention too. She is so different than I am. Of course, I'm thinking of me and some of my friends "what planet does this lady live on?" Almost everyone I know has stretch marks or some wt gain or some body change. Of course, there are exceptions. I'm not trying to dog this person. Actually I really like other aspects of her personality and she is my closest classmate in my class as I sit next to her. But, I can tell that some of her comments or just the way she is will irritate me though I won't show it. I suppose shouldn't blog about others as I'm just asking for trouble.

I want to be that lady in the fit, little jeans looking good!!! I really want to be that thinner, healthy, active person. I get a glimpse of her from time to like last summer with the triathalon. I really thought I was on my way to getting to a healthy weight. But again, Bam!! Life sidetracks me and I am off the wagon. Of course, there are positives in my life, like learning a new profession and my family. But, this one aspect of my life, my own body shape makes me so unhappy. Just reading this it would seem, 'hell, do something about it!'. Of course it is not that easy or everyone would be slim and trim and that is so not the case here in America or the world for that matter.

I remember a saying that we take better care of our cars than of our body. Hmmmm, don't know if that is true but I find myself trying to take care of my family, my son and everyone else before I take care of me. Not sure why I do that, but it just the way it is. I think a lot of us women out there do this. Especially since being a let things slide, things you used to love doing, things you enjoy. There just isn't enough time for things that make you happy.

Sorry for the downer post, just the way I am feeling. I need to get my head right and live healthier and the good feelings will follow again. When the stress of finals is over, the gym rat will be back and I'll get in some fun at the gym. I actually really miss it but have no time for it. Or that's my excuse anyway. This post is all over the place today. And green eyed monster, or whatever this is.....leave me alone.

Share your thoughts on your own body image with me! How do you feel about your size? Are you ok with it or does it really bug you and on your mind a lot?


Chris H said...

I hate my size right now considering how hard I worked to get to goal just 2 years ago! And it is on my mind ..... oooo... about every 10 minutes or so! how sad is that?

TrixieBelden said...

oh, i just want to give you a big hug right now! i'm so sorry you are not feeling good about yourself. that's an awful place to be.

okay, so about your question about how we all feel about our bodies and our body image. my body image is all over the place. i am so confused when i go to the store to buy clothes and i have to pass up the bigger sizes. but when i put the smaller sizes on they seem to be the same as the bigger sizes i was wearing. i don't know if that even made sense. i don't feel like i get more attention from strangers now that i have made goal - which makes me happy. i'm trying to get used to this body without the input of other people. i am happy that i had the ability to pack up and move most of my belongings myself up and down 3 flights of stairs in my apartment building - something i would not have been able to do before i lost the weight. so, i guess i am feeling good about that - my abilities rather than what i look like b/c it seems like what i look like keeps changing. i am bothered that people keep telling me that my world has "opened up" now that i have lost weight. it's like they don't understand i'm still the same person i was 84 lbs. ago. i don't know if i want my world to have "opened" up. why couldn't it have been that way before? sorry, i'm rambling and i don't know if i even answered your question. i guess since the success of moving myself into my sister's house and not being sore one bit means that i am pretty happy with my body right now. but don't ask me to look in the mirror.

Tully said...

You are not alone there. I think about body issues 95% of every day. It is such a waste of time and I am sick of thinking abut it to be honest. I am extremely unhappy with my body and I am not sure if I ever will be happy, no matter how much weight I lose. I really want to be happy with my body, I think there are much more important things to be concerned about then body image and I feel a bit self absorbed the amount I think about it.

I am only 26 and I have noticed the green eyed monster coming out in me when I see the gorgeous 19 year olds with so much ahead of them. I am already feeling a bit washed up. Silly I know, but maybe it is just human nature.

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

I so know what you are saying... even though I have lost alot of weight I was getting ready for Marks work christmas party for workers kids... a bbq fun day thing..
and everything I put on made me feel and to me , look fat... I mean huge arse fat... I was in a terrible fat mood...
but then i have days where i check out my butt in the mirror and think.. yeah ok.. not the best but better than it was etc....
I am never going to be gorgeous and sexy... My body has had way to much abuse from obesity over the years.. but we have to try and work out how to get over than fine line and leanr to love ourselves again....
oh and I am waiting for your email so i can send you a kissmass card... ;o)