Friday, July 27, 2007

My emotions are all over the place

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Having a down week. I don't know if it's the after effects of visiting Dawn or what. Maybe it's thinking about her cancer, maybe it's about my uncles' cancer. Maybe it's about hearing an old acquaintance (who's child went to preschool with my son) got into a serious car wreck in Idaho and is in critical condition. Her 3 children were killed. I don't know how anyone can go through that and want to live. I heard it through the grapevine of mommies and that her older child wasn't with her and at least was with her ex and was spared. There was also another lady in the car who used to be the president of our co-op preschool and I haven't heard her fate. I heard that this lady I know husband will take time off from the military and help to nurse her back to healthy if possible. Though we weren't close and she moved away a bit ago it was just devastating to hear.

My mood has been down and I've been short with people, especially my hubby. I spent the whole day cleaning the other day as I thought we were having a guest. The old friend of mine by hubby does tri's with was coming over but he didn't. That's fine with me but I cleaned the house, made up the extra bed, etc. etc. so he doesn't see how piggy our house can get and for no avail. I mean, it's nice to have a clean house but I found myself crabby.
I have been getting stuff done around the house and getting rid of old clothes and clutter. I have been exercising a lot and will go for 6 days this week today. It helps my mood for a while and then I'm in the dumps again. My friend Dawn had went for an MRI when we were visting with her. I was surprised she was getting a test on her back. That she thought it might be discs in the spine. I knew what it was and she told me the results. The tumors in her bones are growing. I guess I was surprised cause it is a given what is going on in her body with the cancer growing. My mom says "so, she still has hope". I guess that is what it is...hope. We are all, including her, wishing, praying and hoping for a miracle cure but deep down I know it is unlikely to happen. It's rare that it happens.

For some reason, I'm thinking of a little pill that will make all these emotions easier to take. Like depression has overtaken me. But, I do not like the way drugs can alter your brain. I think it is healthy to experience the raw emotions. I just don't know how to stop feeling the pain. I know it won't stop as people I love are suffering. I know, such is life. Why does it have to be so damn hard some days?

I am going to do something different today. I will take my boy to Seattle or to the Tacoma waterfront and try to make a good day. He has been good about going to the gym with me but today is a sunny day and I need to do something fun for him. We do go to playgrounds etc, play outside, bike ride together but I feel I need a change of pace. We will go tonight to my dad/uncle's cabin and spend the weekend there. There is a boat there, the lake. My mom said she will come. Everyone else in the family is busy. It is forcasted for the 77 or 73 so it will be ok. Not hot, but not too cold. I will do my 'brick workout' in preparation for the triathalon. The brick is doing 2 workouts back to back. So I will swim the 1/2 mile and then do the 12 mile bike. I need to so this to see how I perform. I won't add on the 3 mile run yet. I have been running this week but a combination of walk/jog. I jog 1 1/2 miles and then walk the other 1 1/2 miles. I don't seem to be progressing more than that on the running but oh well. I will do what I can do. I was really hoping to run the whole distance in August but it may not happen and that is ok.

I hope you all are doing good on living your healthy journeys! The scale is driving me crazy as I expect it to show a loss as I'm exercising a lot. I guess I need to keep a food journal but am resisting. Do you keep a food journal? Have a good week.

7 comments:

B said...

I used to keep a food diary, but I haven't for ages. I'm not planning anything right now and that isn't helping either. Sorry you feel so down at the moment, I wish I could help. I guess it's hard when there is so much hurt in your life right now. You're doing okay though so give yourself a pat on the back and remember to look after yourself.
Bri

Christine said...

You've got so much going on in your life right now - I wouldn't be too mad at yourself for being confused with your feelings. It's overwhelming sometimes. You sound like me - you take everything on, even though its not yours. That's what makes you. And that's probably why you are such a good friend - people know that you care.

Take care of yourself and your family first and foremost. Give them your all - and if you have anything left - then divide it up amongest your friends. :)

Chris H said...

I tracked what I ate every day for 24 months, and now.... I don't,.... I am over it! But, it works so maybe I should start again... grrrrrr! I recommend it anyway.

San said...

i don't keep a journal, somedays i am really grateful for that, it's hard seeing just how much crap i can shove into my mouth in one day.

as for your moods, it's understandable given all the sadness surrounding you - even if it is from a distance in same cases. don't give yourself too hard a time. try to focus on what is good for you and your family and be thankful for what you have.

i know it's tough, i sometimes sit in a funk about how bad things around us are and don't want to leave the house. i guess you're right, it's life but it's not that easy to get over at times.

big hugs
x

Spidey said...

Try calorie-count.com. Once you tag all your favorite foods and make a few of your own custom entries, it is pretty easy to keep the "food journal"

I am very sad about all the pain that you are sharing. It is a good deed that you are there for the ones that you love. Fortunately, you are in good health. Consider gratitude to God for the good things, and not depression over the bad things.

christie said...

You are going through so much. It's okay to feel all of these things. It's okay to have down days. As long as you just keep going, keep pushing forward. Try to think of it this way... there really isn't much you can do for those who are suffering. Yes you can be there for them, and i know you are doing that. But what you can also do is work on making your own life better and just keep focusing on that.
i'm so proud of you. I really am. I don't even come close to doing the things that you do. And you spend so much time with your son which is wonderful.

"The Captain" said...

I am really proud of you staying focussed with all the trajedy.
Jeff