Tuesday, October 09, 2007

A big 'sorry' to my friend.....and should my blog be private?

Breast Cancer Awareness Ribbon
First of all, it's breast cancer awareness month! Go out and get checked or do self exams or go get your mammograms if you are of that age. I know all to well what breast cancer can lead to and it ain't pretty.

I want to say a big 'sorry' to my friend Kathy. I have come to find out she is a reader of my blog....hmmmm...how many of you out there know me personally? If you do, come out of hiding or lurking and de-lurk and say 'hi' on my blog. Well, I wrote a while back about Kathy and how I didn't think she was supportive in her comments to me over the years. I was angry that day and it showed and for that I am sorry. But, of course, there is a bit of truth in what I said about my feeling about our relationship. She wrote me (and your prob. reading this Kath) today and wrote a long letter about her worry about my weight and about my feelings toward her and our relationship and how it is hard to get close. It made me cry. I know you are coming from a place of caring for me but somehow it feels like you judging me on my weight and on my life choices over the years. It makes me feel like you think less of me as a person for being overweight. It has been my coping mechanism for a lot of things in my life when I was down or it just happens. People turn to things when life brings them down. My addiction was food and maybe still is. Others turn to drugs or alcohol. So actually I'm glad that my vice is food. I wasn't hurting anyone else but myself. I dislike feeling judged for it. And at times, I distance myself from you cause I didn't feel supported. Of course I still care for you! I always have, I feel like I've always stuck up for you to our friends from the past. You did have a tendency to rub some the wrong way. They took your comments as harsh and wanted to distance themselves from you and not include you. I always stuck up for you and said 'we have to invite Kathy too'. So, in a way I always felt I was looking out for you. I understood why you could be the way your are. How you seemed to always have advice on how I should live my life. Your mother was that way with you and still is. You grew up with 3 brothers and dad that all were competitive and liked to tease you. It's what shaped you. I will work on a letter to you (it will take a while).....it is so hard to really share with you my inner feelings like I did with Dawn as I felt judged by you and that I couldn't live up to your standard. I know it was not your intent but that's how I felt. With Dawn it was so easy, she just accepted me as I was and tried to lift me higher. And she shared with me her real down low moments that I don't think you have really done with me. We connected on that, our down times and going thru marital issues at the same time. And then later, I tried to be there when she got the cancer and tried to cheer her up when I went to visit. But, thank you for you long letter. It gave me some insight into your thinking and how you are and how you feel. And, I don't regret you doing the triathalon with me. I was actually thinking after the race, 'how cool is it to be doing something like this with a friend'.

Ok, the rest of you out in blogland are wondering...what am I talking about? This comes to my dilemma...should I continue my blogging? Should I make it less personal? Should I make it private to only a select few? I started this blog as a fitness blog but it has become more like a diary. I knew it could get me into hot water for getting personal. I need to think on this some more. I do like this blog outlet and sharing with all you in blogland. It's my own kind of therapy I think to get things off my chest even with people I've never met. Also, a lot of you are weight loss bloggers and can understand and empathize with my weight loss struggle. I think in a way that no thin person who has never had this issue can. You know what I mean??

I went to the lung/pulmonary doctor today to get my results. The breathing test came back good. She listened to my heart and said I had a heart murmur. I had one as a child and thought it had gone but it is back. I think it's something that people just live with unless it goes a step further and become a valve prolapse. But, that is not what it is. I'll see how I feel when exercising again and if I push it. But, I am feeling pretty good today and think it was just major stress. And no, contrary to what some might think, this chest pain wasn't related to my weight at all.

Ok, I'm coming off as a little upset and touchy today but that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Maybe I need to start a paper journal and make it private and for my eyes only. I know some of you out there have made your blogs private. And some others just write about fitness. Maybe that's what I need to do but the problem that life is so much more than fitness. I can't just write about that as I get bored with it from time to time. I want to be open and honest but it's hard now.

Back to my studying and may you be having a better day than I. I hope you are kicking butt on your own healthy living journeys.


San said...

hey dont' even think about apologising for what you put out here, it's your blog and your feelings are valid no matter what they are.

as for your friend, if you feel judged by her you probably are being judged by her. if people, in particular good friends think your lifestyle choices are shoddy cause you carry a few extra pounds, what sort of friend are they??

i have two besties and they are both pole thin, NOT ONCE have i felt that i was not good enough or that they looked down on me cause i ate chocolate or hot chips or whatever i felt like and they have always been avid fans and supporters no matter what size, i would suggest it's your friend with the problem and it is probably jelousy!

don't go private!!!

you're loved right here!

Kim said...

Hey Patty,
Sorry to hear about all of the drama going on. I hope that you and your friend can come to some kind of understanding. How did she find your blog anyway???

Flo said...

san is right, don't ever apologize for what you put out there. It is your blog, no one elses.

As for going private, I know how you feel. There are some things I just don't share on my blog. For those things I have a secret blog that is private. It's for no one but me and that's where I write things I don't want anyone else to read. So that might be an option for you.

celtic_girl said...

You should feel free to use your blog as you see fit. Having said that though I do censor some things in my blog becaue I know my 16 year old daughter and my neices read my blog (thanks to my daughter telling them). I have a lot of "Shit" in my life that I could get out but dont and have also contemplated going private but have held back because meeting new people would be limited.

Living to Feel Good said...

Oh Patty! No need to apologize. Like others have said, it's your blog write what you want. If you feel it is helping you to get this stuff out, then continue!! It's not healthy to keep it inside, and yes you could write in a private journal, but doesn't the feedback help too? I think you need to do what's best for you, and don't be afraid to write whatever you want. I think your friend needs to know how you feel, so don't be sorry for anything you have said. :)

Christine said...

Re the private blog thing. Its really up to you. Have you ever thought about opening up a word document on your computer and use that as your online journal? You can empty your thoughts there, and its ONLY for your eyes.

It does feel good to hear that people care and that people want to know how you are doing though -so its a really tough one for me. Somedays I want to write everything (too much) but I hold back because its too private. But I do have a journal on my computer. Its mine and just mine.

My blog is also mine - but it does feel good to share certain things with people I have never met - nice to hear that I am not alone with some things.

You take care.

B said...

I agree with San. This is YOUR blog and you should be able to say what you like . The only reason I went private with mine is cos my ex was reading it and then abusing me for making him sound like a (insert bad word) even though everything I said was the truth. Honestly I love all the people i've invited to read my private blog, because I know that each and every one of you genuinely care about me and my well being and you wouldn't care what size I was.
True friends will love you for you, not your size, your wealth, your fitness, just for you, just the way you are. Anybody else isn't really your friend.
I share everything on my blog, as you know, that's just who I am, and how I deal with stuff and it really helps me. I realise that most of the time i'm just whinging but you girls cheer me up and make me feel better about myself.
I would love to follow you if you do go private, if that's ok. It's a tough decision to make I guess.

Marshmallow said...

I think San's comment is absolutely spot on, like all of the others have said.

I personally would be devastated if you went private, since I am hopeless at followin bloggers once they go private due to the inability to subscribe to feeds in Google Reader (similar sort of thing for readers who use Bloglines and so on), though I would love to be able to *try* and follow you if you do make the decision to go private. Perhaps you could split between two blogs and have your personal stuff in a private blog and your weight loss stuff here?

Iron-Man said...

Dear Patty,

I can feel for you. There are times when I want to vent, and sometimes I do. I think venting can help you clarify your feelings and put things in perspective.

However, once the words are posted, it is hard to change them. There are times when I feel something because that is what I am focused on. However if I wrote the whole picture, then it would take a lot more space.

If you write all the good things and bad things about someone or some topic, then it ends up as being a big blob of gray. So when you focus on a negative moment it leaves out a lot from the rest of the picture, and someone who is reading it just sees that negative point.

I hope you do not take the blog private, as getting into one of those private blogs is a major pain in the neck. It seems to just re-pop over and over again. I can never get into them. On the other hand, do whatever you feel is correct.