Tuesday, October 09, 2007
A big 'sorry' to my friend.....and should my blog be private?
First of all, it's breast cancer awareness month! Go out and get checked or do self exams or go get your mammograms if you are of that age. I know all to well what breast cancer can lead to and it ain't pretty.
I want to say a big 'sorry' to my friend Kathy. I have come to find out she is a reader of my blog....hmmmm...how many of you out there know me personally? If you do, come out of hiding or lurking and de-lurk and say 'hi' on my blog. Well, I wrote a while back about Kathy and how I didn't think she was supportive in her comments to me over the years. I was angry that day and it showed and for that I am sorry. But, of course, there is a bit of truth in what I said about my feeling about our relationship. She wrote me (and your prob. reading this Kath) today and wrote a long letter about her worry about my weight and about my feelings toward her and our relationship and how it is hard to get close. It made me cry. I know you are coming from a place of caring for me but somehow it feels like you judging me on my weight and on my life choices over the years. It makes me feel like you think less of me as a person for being overweight. It has been my coping mechanism for a lot of things in my life when I was down or it just happens. People turn to things when life brings them down. My addiction was food and maybe still is. Others turn to drugs or alcohol. So actually I'm glad that my vice is food. I wasn't hurting anyone else but myself. I dislike feeling judged for it. And at times, I distance myself from you cause I didn't feel supported. Of course I still care for you! I always have, I feel like I've always stuck up for you to our friends from the past. You did have a tendency to rub some the wrong way. They took your comments as harsh and wanted to distance themselves from you and not include you. I always stuck up for you and said 'we have to invite Kathy too'. So, in a way I always felt I was looking out for you. I understood why you could be the way your are. How you seemed to always have advice on how I should live my life. Your mother was that way with you and still is. You grew up with 3 brothers and dad that all were competitive and liked to tease you. It's what shaped you. I will work on a letter to you (it will take a while).....it is so hard to really share with you my inner feelings like I did with Dawn as I felt judged by you and that I couldn't live up to your standard. I know it was not your intent but that's how I felt. With Dawn it was so easy, she just accepted me as I was and tried to lift me higher. And she shared with me her real down low moments that I don't think you have really done with me. We connected on that, our down times and going thru marital issues at the same time. And then later, I tried to be there when she got the cancer and tried to cheer her up when I went to visit. But, thank you for you long letter. It gave me some insight into your thinking and how you are and how you feel. And, I don't regret you doing the triathalon with me. I was actually thinking after the race, 'how cool is it to be doing something like this with a friend'.
Ok, the rest of you out in blogland are wondering...what am I talking about? This comes to my dilemma...should I continue my blogging? Should I make it less personal? Should I make it private to only a select few? I started this blog as a fitness blog but it has become more like a diary. I knew it could get me into hot water for getting personal. I need to think on this some more. I do like this blog outlet and sharing with all you in blogland. It's my own kind of therapy I think to get things off my chest even with people I've never met. Also, a lot of you are weight loss bloggers and can understand and empathize with my weight loss struggle. I think in a way that no thin person who has never had this issue can. You know what I mean??
I went to the lung/pulmonary doctor today to get my results. The breathing test came back good. She listened to my heart and said I had a heart murmur. I had one as a child and thought it had gone but it is back. I think it's something that people just live with unless it goes a step further and become a valve prolapse. But, that is not what it is. I'll see how I feel when exercising again and if I push it. But, I am feeling pretty good today and think it was just major stress. And no, contrary to what some might think, this chest pain wasn't related to my weight at all.
Ok, I'm coming off as a little upset and touchy today but that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Maybe I need to start a paper journal and make it private and for my eyes only. I know some of you out there have made your blogs private. And some others just write about fitness. Maybe that's what I need to do but the problem that life is so much more than fitness. I can't just write about that as I get bored with it from time to time. I want to be open and honest but it's hard now.
Back to my studying and may you be having a better day than I. I hope you are kicking butt on your own healthy living journeys.