Wasting away again in Margaritaville

See I didn't stay away long....I planned to but I missed my blogging and the interaction with all of you.

Why 'Wasting away again in Margaritaville' as the title? Well, for those of you that have been reading my blog for a while it's in regards to my friend Dawn who I lost to cancer recently. This summer she talked to me of how she thought her sister (who died at 12) who she thought would tap on her shoulder and Dawn would look around and think, 'what was that'? Like a touch from beyond or something. So Dawn says to me, 'I can tap you on the shoulder after I'm gone' and you will know I'm there. I thought is might creep me out to feel a tap so I told her 'no, how about you play a Jimmy Buffet song for me'. Dawn was a big fan and everytime I got into her car she would have his cd on. And everytime I would visit most times I would stay at the Flamingo hotel which has Buffet's Margaritaville Restaurant in it. We would go there a lot of times to have a few drinks or dinner and just to talk and have some fun. There always seemed to be something going on there so it was kinda like our place. So anyway, in the past 2 weeks each time I was at 2 different grocery stores I hear the song 'Margaritaville' playing. It was unreal. Maybe just coincidence? Last time this guy next to me looking at the bread was whistling along with the song. I don't know, I took it as a sign that Dawn was looking down on me and saying 'hi' and thinking of me. Actually last time I heard it I just felt a sense of calm come over me and I felt happy and I just say 'hi' back up there to heaven. Sounds strange I know but I don't dismiss things that are a little different. I do believe in the afterlife and like to think of her happy and at peace now.

Well, I was thinking I need a break due to two things. One is my friend that has been reading my blog that I talked about a few posts back. Well, she has been reading and sending me emails. Last one was a critique of my emotional eating entry. She was suggesting what I should write about on my blog and basically telling me that giving up on losing weight is not an option. I didn't say I was doing that anyway. Let's just say I didn't handle it well and I fired back an email. And let me tell you, don't write an email when you are mad. It came out a little too harsh and I think I hurt her feelings. It's not like me to do that but I'm on edge lately. It just brought back to my attention what I don't like about our friendship which is her contantly giving me advice. I think we have hardly had a visit/converation without her telling me how I should change or live my life. Well, she says she's not reading my blog now but maybe she is. I hate that it make me feel I can't be honest and open and say what I want on this blog. But, guess what, I say so what! I'm still going to blog and just f*ck it. This is my space to say what I want and I will. Of course, maybe I shouldn't get so personal on the blog but it helps me sometimes. I still am working on a letter to her as she sent me a long one. I don't think I want the friendship to end but sometimes it seems like a lot of work to keep it going. I think we are taking a break from each other for now. But, we have been friends all our lives, we both were each other matrons/maid of honor and there is some good there. And I do know that she means well and doesn't mean to cause me pain.

Sometimes I think she doesn't get what kind of friend I need. I need a friend who will listen and not judge. Just accept me as I am. Sometimes we need girlfriends just to commiserate with us and listen not try to solve our problems like some of the men do. As we share our problems it helps deal with them and then we can take on the challenges life throws at us. Cause lately after losing people in my life I feel like I'm floating out to sea in a boat with no oars. I'm keeping my head above water but I can see the sharks. I think the sharks are the in the murky waters of depression and I don't want to go there. The problem I have lately is I haven't been reaching out to friends much to deal with my losses, I am just going it alone. I'm not sure why I'm doing that. I did have some time with sisters and my mom and talked of my friend and uncle and my feelings. Sometimes, that's just what you need. Others just want to go on with life and not talk about the friend we lost and I need to as she meant so much to me. Of course, to them they can't really understand as she was just a classmate and an acquaintence to them and to me she was my confidant and soul sister. The world is not the same without her in it. I can't come to grips that I will have to live the rest of my life without her. This will take a long while to deal with as I still break out in tears from time to time. It is not getting easier yet but it will.

The other reason for stressing is my radiology school. We get tested every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I feel the pressure. There is so much studying I'm having trouble finding enough time for my family but I have to so something's gotta give. And they kept on harping on in the beginning that you have to at least pass with a 79% in all classes or you don't pass. So far I'm staying on a high average but a test I took on Monday I'm really worried about. It had to do with density and contrast and some physics so I'm going to have to really buckle down for that class. The rest are going well. I just forgot how much work it is. So, I'm burning the midnight oil and staying up late when the rest are in bed. I got to the library sometimes too as I need that quiet time to study and no talking.

I'm listening to Buffet's great hits album and the song 'fruitcakes' is on. Have you heard it before? Kinda funny. The part he just said was about his wife saying to him I think and it goes 'I treat my body like a temple, you treat yours like a tent'. I guess that's something to ponder. My hubby is Mr. fitness so I guess he's the temple and I'm the tent. I was just eating any old thing I wanted and avoiding the scale lately. But I've stopped that and am eating healthier. I'm not dieting but I will begin again soon. I did gain some and I feel like maintaining is the best for me right now. Like some of you said, the answer to problems, the solace is not in the food. I have to keep that in mind. I'm going to get in some exercise today with my son after his school. I'll take him to the gym and he can play a bit while I exercise and then we can do something together like swim or something.

Well, I am just going on and on today and I hope you all are doing well in your own life journeys. I need to go read a chapter for a test tomorrow, oh what fun. I'll come around the blogs to see how you are doing.

Wish I could just fly a plane to the caribbean like he did....see the picture...it must be nice. He says he has a 'caribbean soul I can barely control' and I know just what he means.