Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Wasting away again in Margaritaville

See I didn't stay away long....I planned to but I missed my blogging and the interaction with all of you.

Why 'Wasting away again in Margaritaville' as the title? Well, for those of you that have been reading my blog for a while it's in regards to my friend Dawn who I lost to cancer recently. This summer she talked to me of how she thought her sister (who died at 12) who she thought would tap on her shoulder and Dawn would look around and think, 'what was that'? Like a touch from beyond or something. So Dawn says to me, 'I can tap you on the shoulder after I'm gone' and you will know I'm there. I thought is might creep me out to feel a tap so I told her 'no, how about you play a Jimmy Buffet song for me'. Dawn was a big fan and everytime I got into her car she would have his cd on. And everytime I would visit most times I would stay at the Flamingo hotel which has Buffet's Margaritaville Restaurant in it. We would go there a lot of times to have a few drinks or dinner and just to talk and have some fun. There always seemed to be something going on there so it was kinda like our place. So anyway, in the past 2 weeks each time I was at 2 different grocery stores I hear the song 'Margaritaville' playing. It was unreal. Maybe just coincidence? Last time this guy next to me looking at the bread was whistling along with the song. I don't know, I took it as a sign that Dawn was looking down on me and saying 'hi' and thinking of me. Actually last time I heard it I just felt a sense of calm come over me and I felt happy and I just say 'hi' back up there to heaven. Sounds strange I know but I don't dismiss things that are a little different. I do believe in the afterlife and like to think of her happy and at peace now.

Well, I was thinking I need a break due to two things. One is my friend that has been reading my blog that I talked about a few posts back. Well, she has been reading and sending me emails. Last one was a critique of my emotional eating entry. She was suggesting what I should write about on my blog and basically telling me that giving up on losing weight is not an option. I didn't say I was doing that anyway. Let's just say I didn't handle it well and I fired back an email. And let me tell you, don't write an email when you are mad. It came out a little too harsh and I think I hurt her feelings. It's not like me to do that but I'm on edge lately. It just brought back to my attention what I don't like about our friendship which is her contantly giving me advice. I think we have hardly had a visit/converation without her telling me how I should change or live my life. Well, she says she's not reading my blog now but maybe she is. I hate that it make me feel I can't be honest and open and say what I want on this blog. But, guess what, I say so what! I'm still going to blog and just f*ck it. This is my space to say what I want and I will. Of course, maybe I shouldn't get so personal on the blog but it helps me sometimes. I still am working on a letter to her as she sent me a long one. I don't think I want the friendship to end but sometimes it seems like a lot of work to keep it going. I think we are taking a break from each other for now. But, we have been friends all our lives, we both were each other matrons/maid of honor and there is some good there. And I do know that she means well and doesn't mean to cause me pain.

Sometimes I think she doesn't get what kind of friend I need. I need a friend who will listen and not judge. Just accept me as I am. Sometimes we need girlfriends just to commiserate with us and listen not try to solve our problems like some of the men do. As we share our problems it helps deal with them and then we can take on the challenges life throws at us. Cause lately after losing people in my life I feel like I'm floating out to sea in a boat with no oars. I'm keeping my head above water but I can see the sharks. I think the sharks are the in the murky waters of depression and I don't want to go there. The problem I have lately is I haven't been reaching out to friends much to deal with my losses, I am just going it alone. I'm not sure why I'm doing that. I did have some time with sisters and my mom and talked of my friend and uncle and my feelings. Sometimes, that's just what you need. Others just want to go on with life and not talk about the friend we lost and I need to as she meant so much to me. Of course, to them they can't really understand as she was just a classmate and an acquaintence to them and to me she was my confidant and soul sister. The world is not the same without her in it. I can't come to grips that I will have to live the rest of my life without her. This will take a long while to deal with as I still break out in tears from time to time. It is not getting easier yet but it will.

The other reason for stressing is my radiology school. We get tested every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I feel the pressure. There is so much studying I'm having trouble finding enough time for my family but I have to so something's gotta give. And they kept on harping on in the beginning that you have to at least pass with a 79% in all classes or you don't pass. So far I'm staying on a high average but a test I took on Monday I'm really worried about. It had to do with density and contrast and some physics so I'm going to have to really buckle down for that class. The rest are going well. I just forgot how much work it is. So, I'm burning the midnight oil and staying up late when the rest are in bed. I got to the library sometimes too as I need that quiet time to study and no talking.

I'm listening to Buffet's great hits album and the song 'fruitcakes' is on. Have you heard it before? Kinda funny. The part he just said was about his wife saying to him I think and it goes 'I treat my body like a temple, you treat yours like a tent'. I guess that's something to ponder. My hubby is Mr. fitness so I guess he's the temple and I'm the tent. I was just eating any old thing I wanted and avoiding the scale lately. But I've stopped that and am eating healthier. I'm not dieting but I will begin again soon. I did gain some and I feel like maintaining is the best for me right now. Like some of you said, the answer to problems, the solace is not in the food. I have to keep that in mind. I'm going to get in some exercise today with my son after his school. I'll take him to the gym and he can play a bit while I exercise and then we can do something together like swim or something.

Well, I am just going on and on today and I hope you all are doing well in your own life journeys. I need to go read a chapter for a test tomorrow, oh what fun. I'll come around the blogs to see how you are doing.
Wish I could just fly a plane to the caribbean like he did....see the picture...it must be nice. He says he has a 'caribbean soul I can barely control' and I know just what he means.


teebopop said...

Dawn's just letting you know she's there and she's happy. I mean, really, it's a much better thing to listen to a happy song and think of Dawn rather than feeling a touch. Which, although I do believe in an afterlife, I don't believe that a soul can touch flesh. (I hope that came out right!)

Always remember, the only person you have to answer to is yourself. Period. And if people can't accept you unconditionally, then you have the option of not letting them into your life and your heart.

Just MHO.

Anonymous said...

i'm really glad to see you back Patty.

i don't think you should dismiss the song playing as a coincidence, no way. that is definately Dawn saying i'm great up here, you remember i'm always with you.

i'm sad for you and your losses of late. i hope you can talk about it and get what you need to from friends and family in the way of support.

as for the food, it doesn't really help - when you first start eating it, yeah it's great then you eat too much and you feel yuk and then begin the battles of guilt etc.

i say eat exactly what you feel like when you feel like it and just enough to satisfy - maybe even leave you wanting a bit, that way you won't over do it.

as for your blog, it is your private space and although it's public we don't write here to be judged, in particular by those who are supposed to be our friends.

i'm astonished that anyone in your life should try to tell you what you should or shouldn't eat, write, wear... ok the wear bit is ok, i'd have some fashion tragedies under my belt if it weren't for good friends BUT your friends are supposed to love you becuase you are you not your size or what you eat for dinner.

please know that i'm here if that helps and i'm thinking of you

celtic_girl said...

I believe people's spirits stay with us and they let us know they are there. You will know when your ready to reach out, grieving is a process.As for your friend, well I think having someone judgmental around you is the last thing you need at the moment.
Good luck for the exams, take care of yourself.

B said...

My favourite Jimmy Buffet song is Margaritaville, followed closely by "Pirate Looks at 40" I also love "Why don't we get drunk" just for laughs. I have a few of his albums. Not a lot of people over here know who he is. Now i'll always think of Dawn too when I hear that song.
Hope you're doing ok, you've been through a lot lately. We just have to take one day at a time honey.
I'm thinking of you if that helps.

Meow Meow said...

I have always liked Jimmy.

I am sorry for your struggles as of late. The world just has to have happier times in store for you.
I am sorry about your judgemental friend. She seems to have her heart in the right place in wanting to help, but apparently doesn't quite know how to give advice tactfully. I hope things smooth over soon. Good friends are REALLY hard to come by especially as you get older.

Christie said...

I'm so glad you came back so quickly Patty :) I have been struggling a lot lately too for different reasons, mostly stress but I am healing myself with food and it has to stop!
Let's do this together :)

I hope you can work things out with your friend. And if you truly want more blog privacy, you can always start a new one that is more anonymous and invite those people you have met in blogland to read it but certain other people won't find it.

Chris H said...

Neat that you are back, and you go girl! Write whatever you want, it's YOUR blog! Hope your study goes well and you don't get too stressed out.

Marshmallow said...

Great to have you back, Patty :-) I agree with the others in that the song playing is Dawn's way of telling you that she's there for you. :-)

And yikes, testing three days a week at radiology school? That would drive me out of my mind! O_O

Anonymous said...

I haven't had judgemental friends since high school and that was 20 years ago!!! Not sure why you keeping hanging onto this one.

Cindy in CO

Christine said...

You for sure have to surround yourself with positive people - I don't need people in my life that bring me down.

School sounds stressful. Great for you for getting in there. Testing that often will either keep you on your toes or drive you crazy!

Take care and thanks for posting.

Iron-Man said...

I get what you mean about your friend, but I would think about it a little bit.

I used to watch The Andy Griffith show or Brady Bunch or some show like that as a kid, and I used to wish that my parents or friends were like the people in those shows. Unfortunately, those wonderful type of neighbors, friends, and relatives are usually only on TV.

Now I see that there is a lot more to appreciate than I realize. People are not always what we want, but often there is more than what meets the eye. Try and find the good in your friend. You have known her a long time, and even if she is not all you wanted, she might be more than you think!

Living to Feel Good said...

You know I think it's great you have that connection with Dawn and Margaritaville. It's not weird to believe that or to say hi back. Heck, I have a cat buried outside that I say hi to every time I water his rose. I even ask how he is. If it makes us happy, who's to say it's weird.

Good luck with school, and remember just because you didn't feel you did good on one exam (and you would know by now, since my comment is SO late..sorry) doesn't mean you need to give up. I know you aren't giving up, but I hope you understand what I am poorly trying to say. Hang in there. :)

Meow Meow said...

We are happy to know you are blogging again!!! = )

I understand the school--and the amount of time it can consume!

Jimmy B is always a mood stablizer or relaxer.

YOu have to know Dawn is not in anymore pain. She is appreciative for your thoughts and prayers.