Thursday, November 15, 2007

Time to face the music

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I suppose it's time to face the music. Time to face what I have been ignoring the past 2 1/2 months. Time to stop the backslide I have been in. The weight gain, the negative thoughts. So the big bad number is 219. So I slid about 16 pounds. That's pretty impressive in that time frame. But, I had a lot of help with eating out a lot, especially tacos, not sure why. Eating candy, ice cream and snacks a lot. But, I think it is done, I hope. I'm sick of the junk. I've started a new day today. A new day to start exercising and eat right. I need to find a different way to cope with my stress. I know why the backslide happened. I was feeling so low after losing 2 people I love. I quit caring about taking care of myself. I was feeling a lot of sadness and stress with college too. Of course, that stress hasn't gone away.

It is really hard to see this number on the scale. But if I'm not accountable then how am I going to change it? I refuse to go up in pants size. My pants are tight and I don't know if there are fatter pants to be found. I mean I used to have some bigger sizes but I think I threw them out when I was gung ho and losing. I'm sick of myself. I am sick about the constant yo yoing. I think I did this at Christmas. I yo yo'ed back up to 220 and then in April started again and with the exercising and tri training got down to 201-203. Then an emotional backslide. How many times can I do this? Why am I hurting myself this way? Maybe even hurting my health. I think it's that I just get so tired of doing it. The dieting. The eating healthy, the exercise. No one said these were fun things. I have to find a way to get out of this cycle cause let me tell you it feels like hell and I'm stuck in it. My own private hell. Some of you know what I'm talking about as you've been there too. There is no magic cure. I keep searching for it. There is no nirvana, it's just regular old life and it's hard sometimes. There is never going to be an easy way for me as far as getting to a normal weight and living healthy. But I have to keep trying. I think it is exercise and trying to be kind to myself and then making good food choices most of the time is they key. I'm giving the devil a kick in the groin and saying 'I'm not going to stay here any longer!'

So back to being accountable. Maybe not the wisest of time to choose to get back on the healthy eating wagon as Turkey day is next week and always a temptation. But, it is just a day, one day. And what would be the alternative? Getting bigger and bigger and seeing next year getting closest to my highest weight. No, no, no! Don't want to go there as I know I'll just feel worse and worse about myself about this one area in my life.

So I've been looking at spark pages and web sites. I'm looking at success stories, I'm trying to find the mojo that I've been lacking. Today I will walk with my son but I have school here in a second but I need to make the time. I will do the walk after both our schools are finished this afternoon. He likes going to the gym anyway as it looks like the outside weather may suck today. Here's some of the quotes and advice I've come across that I liked:

from Bree Wee's site, a triathalon lady:

'If we think negative thoughts we limit ourselves.'

'The mind determines what’s possible, the heart surpasses it.'

From Spark people success story, Wendy:

'Set achievable goals and celebrate when you reach them. Be consistent in always getting back up when you fall, just keep going. Be honest with yourself and others, no more hiding. Get excited, find what motivates you. Visualize where you want to be and remember how far you've come.'

'It’s not just the weight loss, it’s the whole development of good feelings about life, people, and excitement for what the future holds.'

These are some good thoughts to get me started again. I get inspiration from them and from others out there that are starting living healthy again. If they can do it, so can I. And of course all you bloggers out there that I follow who are doing so well too, you are an inspiration. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time is all that I can do. I hope you are all doing well this week and leave me a comment and tell me how you are doing!

14 comments:

jodi said...

i know it's been hard for you but am so proud that you stepped on the scale! regardless if the number was good/bad, it's a starting point - the only thing that should matter is TODAY (and not what happened in the past)...

i've always had a weight problem and have had my share of losses and regains over the years... i started my latest journey almost 3 years ago and gave up plenty'o times... but something clicked this year and i've been doing things i've never thought i'd do - run a 5K and take a kickboxing class - and i think by trying new things, i stay motivated...

i am not perfect and neither is my weightloss... i am living my life and if i want pizza - i'm going to have it (but not the whole pie)... if i have a bad day, so what, the next day i can start over...

you WILL find your mojo again, i have faith in you!

(hug)

Kim said...

Hey Patty -

I am SO proud of you for facing the scale and climbing back on the horse. No, it isn't easy, and I don't know of anyone who has lived it that will tell you it is. But that's okay. You are so much tougher than you think you are. You CAN make the changes to your lifestyle.

I came across this quote on my birthday this summer and it really struck home with me -
"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

Remember that - it IS NOT too late to change, to be healthier and happier. Because you my friend, deserve both!!! :)

Kim said...

p.s.
Listen to Jodi - she knows some shit!!! :) That girl is amazing!!!! :)

Chris H said...

Good luck mate... I am no inspiration on the weight loss front I'm afraid, I'm kinda like you in fact...struggling while knowing all along what I am doing...such is life I suppose.

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Of course you can do it Patty... you are dealing with alot of emotional issues..and none of us eat well when faced with stuff like that..
look after yourself and know that we are here for you ...

TrixieBelden said...

I have the quote Kim mentioned on my fridge! :) I think about it all the time in different aspects of my life. I can see your mojo shining through in your post. Just facing the number on the scale, writing it down, and sharing it with all of us means your mojo is starting to work its magic! Weight loss can seem like an uphill battle, but you have faced some tough things in your life - especially recently. You have what it takes to do this. There's another quote I thought of. "A goal is a wish without a plan." You can do this, but I think it will help if you have a plan to structure things for you. Planning has helped me through some challenges with my weight loss. You won't have to go it alone. We are all here for you!

B said...

I've gained too, bah to emotional eating, I wish I could wave a magic wand and get rid of it for everyone. Back on the wagon for both of us, maybe we could be a little lighter for Christmas. At least for me the weather is getting hotter and i'm less likely to eat bad things and more likely to eat salad and fruit. Not for you though, winter is a hard time for anyone to diet.
and yes, it is just a number, i'll be facing mine in the morning, but I know it won't be good.
Bri

Half Man said...

For me, it was the increasing stress that led me to change my lifestyle. I knew that if I continued down the path I was going, I would end up in the hospital or dead. I knew that I could not continue to cope with my stress with the poor health I had. I knew that in order to deal with all the crap in my life, I first had to deal with myself.

The other thing I had to deal with was looking for that inspiration; that magic feeling; that overpowering sense of determination. It never came. I just started. I pretended to do the things I imagined someone would do if they were highly motivated.

You can do this. You are on the right track.

Iron-Man said...

You have been through a lot, and I do not think you should look at this as a failure. Some people cope with drugs, alcohol, etc. You had to keep things moving and started a new career while going through a lot of stress. So you gained a few pounds. It is not as if you were sitting on the couch watching TV for two months.

Now that you have gotten to the point of identifying the problems, you will be in a better position to deal with it. We all have limitations. We have to learn to live with them and work around them. You can get to 199, just give yourself credit and time and love.

Teresa said...

You taken the most difficult step, now on to good health. I'm a lifetime dieter too, and totally understand what you are talking about. Wishing you all the best on this journey. ((Take Care)) Remember you are not alone.

Christine said...

Glad to have you back. It's so easy to fall.

Meow Meow said...

Sorry that you feel like you are locked up in a dungeon. I hope that things seem easier and start to look up fairly soon.

Weight is and always will be a struggle for me. I hate that I feel and know that. I have also become really lazy and hope that I am not a hinderance in your motivation. Chocolate is just too damn good

Iron-Man said...

Keep it going back to 199 land! You are so close!!!

Christie said...

Oh Patty this is so funny, I hadn't seen your post and I just wrote one with almost the exact same title.

We are going through the same thing.

You know - I think it's a GOOD thing to be doing this right before Thanksgiving & Holiday time - we will make it through the holidays losing instead of gaining.

We can do this!!!!!!