Stopping the Madness

(Watch out it's a long post!)

Right now I'm stopping the madness. What do I mean by this? I mean the weight gain madness these last few months. The self defeating remarks I make to myself. The self-flagellation if you will. The self loathing over my body weight and my inability to get to a normal weight again.

Here's a conversation I had with myself today. "Ok, I'm going to the gym today". I have a 2 free hours while my son is in preschool. The other voice, I like to call the devil says "no, just go to the library, maybe surf the net or get a latte, that sound like lots more fun". "No!" I say, "you are going to the gym and get back into working out! You've been working out for 10 months straight and a few weeks off is all you get, get back to it"!! "You keep bitchin to yourself about your stomach getting bigger again, so do something about it"!! Well, thank god the angel on my shoulder won out today and I worked out. I did an hour of cardio; some walking and the elliptical machine. I will do weights tomorrow. I also ate a healthy lunch of a salad with chicken and veggies. This cycle of gaining weight and not working out much and kicking myself when I'm down has got to stop. It's mentally exhausting and I'm tired of being sick and tired and being down in the dumps. It seemed when i was doing well on my wt loss journey last year, I could stop the negative self talk or at least there was only a little. Now, that I've gained some back the damn negative voices are in full force! So, for starters, some steps I will take:

1) Work out 4 times per week, including cardio and weight and jogging and increase that in the future.
2) Eating healthy with at least one or two small snacks so I don't feel deprived
3) Practice thinking positive thoughts and start reading wt loss books or things to motivate me
4) Quit drinking the latte's and substitute with flavored water

I thought about doing the Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem programs for a second. But, then I remembered that JC is too pricey for me right now and that I hated the nutrisystem food when I tried it years ago. Also, I don't want to have to cook 2 meals, one for me and one for my family. I want healthy, tasty, quick, food for all of us. I will entertain the thought of going back to wt watchers after I visit Dawn in Vegas in mid-May. The accountability of the meetings and weighing does help me get my head right and into the wt loss game.

When we were at the spring fair last week I ran into 2 acquaintences from wt watchers and that I knew through the co-op preschool last year. I started talking to one lady and told her that I was a wt watchers drop-out as we had both been going to the Monday meetings. She said she was too and that it was too hard with all the different birthdays that had been going on in her family. They had a bday party right at the fair and I saw her later pulling a cooler and the left over huge cake. I was thinking, "just throw the damn cake out!" And I was thinking, what pull or lure that fat food has over us. It's our drug of choice. This made me think of all the excuses we make not to live a healthy life style . It made me think of my sister and when she went off wt watchers with excuses such as "I'm too stressed from the start of the school year". She's a teacher. And then it's the excuse of "it's the holidays and it's too hard to diet". And then it's "the end of the school year and it's too hard to diet" and then "it's vacation or summer time, it's too hard to diet". You know what the excuses stop now. I've made my share of them too.

I'm tired of my weight holding back in certain areas of my life and not enjoying life to the fullest and at my healthiest weight. I've fallen into my old habits of not dieting in the winter when it is dark and gloomy and gray here in Washington. I get a new burst of energy when spring has sprung and the weather gets better and the sun comes out. Should be soon! I've got to find a way to break this pattern and this type of seasonal defect disorder that I think I have.

What I don't want anymore:

1) airline seats feeling snug or like I'm spilling out into the next seat. Like when I flew last and I sat next to an even chubbier women and I felt like our thighs were squishing together. I hate that! (Thank god I can still fit into the seat belt.)

2) wearing big size clothing! I want to fit into all the regular size clothing and stores and not have to go to the big ladies section.

3) feeling self conscious about my size all the time

4) not wanting to get into my swimsuit or shorts when the weather gets nicer

5) feeling like a failure for giving up on my diet lately and not getting to a healthy weight

6) hating my reflection in the store window or mirror

7) avoiding being in photos with my family or hiding behind someone. I'm missing out on memories!

8) being the fattest one in my group of girlfriends from high school (we meet monthly)

Anyway, that is enough for today, just had a lot on my mind! Have a good week everyone!