Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Stopping the Madness

(Watch out it's a long post!)

Right now I'm stopping the madness. What do I mean by this? I mean the weight gain madness these last few months. The self defeating remarks I make to myself. The self-flagellation if you will. The self loathing over my body weight and my inability to get to a normal weight again.

Here's a conversation I had with myself today. "Ok, I'm going to the gym today". I have a 2 free hours while my son is in preschool. The other voice, I like to call the devil says "no, just go to the library, maybe surf the net or get a latte, that sound like lots more fun". "No!" I say, "you are going to the gym and get back into working out! You've been working out for 10 months straight and a few weeks off is all you get, get back to it"!! "You keep bitchin to yourself about your stomach getting bigger again, so do something about it"!! Well, thank god the angel on my shoulder won out today and I worked out. I did an hour of cardio; some walking and the elliptical machine. I will do weights tomorrow. I also ate a healthy lunch of a salad with chicken and veggies. This cycle of gaining weight and not working out much and kicking myself when I'm down has got to stop. It's mentally exhausting and I'm tired of being sick and tired and being down in the dumps. It seemed when i was doing well on my wt loss journey last year, I could stop the negative self talk or at least there was only a little. Now, that I've gained some back the damn negative voices are in full force! So, for starters, some steps I will take:

1) Work out 4 times per week, including cardio and weight and jogging and increase that in the future.
2) Eating healthy with at least one or two small snacks so I don't feel deprived
3) Practice thinking positive thoughts and start reading wt loss books or things to motivate me
4) Quit drinking the latte's and substitute with flavored water

I thought about doing the Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem programs for a second. But, then I remembered that JC is too pricey for me right now and that I hated the nutrisystem food when I tried it years ago. Also, I don't want to have to cook 2 meals, one for me and one for my family. I want healthy, tasty, quick, food for all of us. I will entertain the thought of going back to wt watchers after I visit Dawn in Vegas in mid-May. The accountability of the meetings and weighing does help me get my head right and into the wt loss game.

When we were at the spring fair last week I ran into 2 acquaintences from wt watchers and that I knew through the co-op preschool last year. I started talking to one lady and told her that I was a wt watchers drop-out as we had both been going to the Monday meetings. She said she was too and that it was too hard with all the different birthdays that had been going on in her family. They had a bday party right at the fair and I saw her later pulling a cooler and the left over huge cake. I was thinking, "just throw the damn cake out!" And I was thinking, what pull or lure that fat food has over us. It's our drug of choice. This made me think of all the excuses we make not to live a healthy life style . It made me think of my sister and when she went off wt watchers with excuses such as "I'm too stressed from the start of the school year". She's a teacher. And then it's the excuse of "it's the holidays and it's too hard to diet". And then it's "the end of the school year and it's too hard to diet" and then "it's vacation or summer time, it's too hard to diet". You know what the excuses stop now. I've made my share of them too.

I'm tired of my weight holding back in certain areas of my life and not enjoying life to the fullest and at my healthiest weight. I've fallen into my old habits of not dieting in the winter when it is dark and gloomy and gray here in Washington. I get a new burst of energy when spring has sprung and the weather gets better and the sun comes out. Should be soon! I've got to find a way to break this pattern and this type of seasonal defect disorder that I think I have.

What I don't want anymore:

1) airline seats feeling snug or like I'm spilling out into the next seat. Like when I flew last and I sat next to an even chubbier women and I felt like our thighs were squishing together. I hate that! (Thank god I can still fit into the seat belt.)

2) wearing big size clothing! I want to fit into all the regular size clothing and stores and not have to go to the big ladies section.

3) feeling self conscious about my size all the time

4) not wanting to get into my swimsuit or shorts when the weather gets nicer

5) feeling like a failure for giving up on my diet lately and not getting to a healthy weight

6) hating my reflection in the store window or mirror

7) avoiding being in photos with my family or hiding behind someone. I'm missing out on memories!

8) being the fattest one in my group of girlfriends from high school (we meet monthly)

Anyway, that is enough for today, just had a lot on my mind! Have a good week everyone!


Living to Feel Good said...

Good for you!! And I am so excited to hear you made it to the gym!! Did you get that high after from succeeding?? You are right about how we all make excuses...I mean when is it really a good time right? Something I've talked myself into lately is takin a "me" moment. I've decided that I can always spare 30 mins to do something even if it means 30 mins out of my sleep time. Usually when I don't feel like working out and I force myself those 30 mins I get into, and I stay for 1 hour. It's just so rewarding to feel like you did something to change. I know you can do it! So high five today for changing your direction. Now keep it up!! :D

Flo said...

Angel I have so been right where you are now. I know exactly how you're feeling and I know how frustrating it is. I wish I impart all I've learned over the years to help you, but I can't. What I can say is keep at it and it will come, just don't give up completely. I'd like to make a suggestion, there were days when I literally took it one meal at a time. You might want to consider taking it slower. Instead of saying you'll work out 4 times a week, say I'll work out tomorrow. I spent many days doing just that and eventually it starts to build. I would workout 1 day and say I was going to workout the next day. Soon I had 5 days in a row. Once I had that success I would then add in eating, one meal at a time. First I would focus on breakfast. After a couple of days add lunch. It really worked for me to take it in really small steps.

Good luck and we're here if you need us :)

Chris H said...

I could have written that post, it is exactly how I am feeling! I don't want any of those things either...plane seats, avoiding photos, fat clothes etc etc.... so really we must just pull finger and get on with it eh? Have a better day today.

Wanna_B_slim said...

Hey there Angelfish...
Thank you for your comments on my blog..
I have really felt sad and frustrated for you lately. I have found it so hard to say the right things to help you get back on track! I know that you can do it.. I know that you want to do it.
But I also know that when you get off track, how hard it is to get back on.
I applaud you for finally shaking yourself and doing so!!
I am sitting here grinning and thinking ..."fantastic, You are sooo gonna do this!"
I saw photos of you on your blog and I remember thinking, I wish I looked like that. So I am finding it hard to imagine you how you say you are at the moment.
I seriously dont think you have far to go to get to goal. Maybe it is time to put a reminder ticker up there ;o)
That has always helped me to see how far I have come and how close I am to one of my goals! (I still havent worked out what weight I want to start maintaining at!)

christie said...

Patty -

I'm so, so proud of you. Ian and I made a plan and are working on making better choices, but I haven't quite had the motivation re-hit me like it has for you - I applaud you a million times over.
I feel like you and I have picked each other up a few times, and you are doing it for me again right now my friend. Thank you so much and I wish you ALL the best. I've always believed in you, and I know you will be successful!