automatic pilot

What I mean by automatic pilot is I feel that when I started this school is September (the full time part), I felt like I was going on automatic. I would eat, stress, eat, study and on and on. I quit working out and taking care of myself due to the stress, due to being down about the cancer that kills and all the sadness it brings. I wasn't thinking about the price I would have to pay for not being healthy anymore. The blood pressure is up and maybe I've done it to myself. I'm hoping to get off those meds when I lose a good amount of weight.

Now, today at the gym as I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things that automatic pilot is off. I see myself in the mirrors (at yoga yesterday) and I see myself in the window as I round the indoor track. It's a little painful again...to see myself, to really see myself. The bulges and bumps, how far I've gotten off track again. To see 60 yr old men jogging past me. To realize I did this to myself. There is a plus side, I know. It's that I don't give up. It's that I have hope. To know that it is in my power to change!!

I feel like I've been numbing myself to a lot of things by having these fat layers on. It's time to take them off for good and deal with my emotions and reasons for keeping myself at this weight.

I took a day out for me today. To work out, to get a good book and read some before I have to start studying again next week. I'm going to watch a trashy movie from the libary before I have to get my son from school. We will then go back to the 'Y' (the gym) and go swimming or something. He's loving that we go to the gym all the time lately.

I did buy that book 'Intuitive Eating' and going to read more on that. I've also been reading books from the libary such as 'stop the cravings' and 'stop stuffing yourself'. Ha! The stop the cravings is a little interesting as it talks about eastern medicine and how it's the key to getting you off the diet roller coaster for good. It talks about different body types and how to eat. I'm open to anything so we'll see what this trainer/nutritionist is talking about. It's a little hard to follow but I'll read on some more. It's keeping me away from the junk food! I'm doing really well this week on eating. Probably has something to do with not eating out at all this week, except for one lunch with a friend for salad.

Hope everyone is having a good week and thanks for the comments. I'll be weighing in on Wednesdays and keeping a wt tally on the side bar next week. It'll keep me accountable.

(by the way....it's freaky weather hear in washington state the last 2 days. It's been freaking snowing! It's supposed to be time for spring! We lost our power the other night and day for hours and hours....what the frick??? I'm in the weather vortex! I want to move to the sun!!! Yep, just checked...it's still snowing but in the 40's so it prob. won't stick!)

emotional eating and getting off the roller coaster

The following is taken from 'Intuitive Eating' that people have recommended. I just read a little of the book and some of it resonated with me. Yes, I do emotionally eat. No, I usually don't stuff myself. Yes, I think it has something to do with avoiding things in my life and not dealing with it and eating for comfort or from stress. Here's some of what I read:

Some of the reasons for emotional eating:
sensory gratifications
comfort
distraction
sedation
punishment

Emotional trigger:
boredom and procrastination
bribery and reward
excitement
soothing
being connected...losing the reins
love
trust, anger and rage
stress anxiety
mild depression

How using food serves me vs. how if does a disservice to me
it tastes good vs. it makes me overweight
it's reliable - it's always there vs. my clothes don't fit
it soothes me vs. my cholesterol is high
it numbs my feelings vs. I'm numbed to the joys of life
it keeps me from feeling bored vs. I'm uncomfortable walking and exercising

Overeating is a red flag that something isn't right in your life.

Overeating can occur when your lifestyle become unbalanced with too many responsibilities and obligations, with too little time for pleasure and relaxation. Consequently, food is used to indulge, escape and relax (albeit briefly.)
When you find this happening, it may be a signal for you to reevaluate your life and find ways to put more balance into it. If you don't make these necessary changes, food remains important by filling an unmet need.

I think I will try to find this book at the libary or buy it as it's pretty cheap and I'm so tired of the dieting roller coaster and this is an alternative way to make peace with food while getting more active.

I have been working out this week and feeling better. I hope I can keep this up when school/work starts up next week! And as for the weight....ahhh, I am up, up, up. I was maintaining for a while at 219 but alas I'm at 227. Yikes! But, the good news is I'm back to eating well and exercising. I'm working out two times today, though it's at an easy level. I can't believe how far I've fallen again. My fitness if low again after being high last August and doing that race. I can't believe how much fitness level I've lost. The body does atrophy with not much use, that's for sure! Here's hoping I can keep exercise in my life forever instead of just for a season every year. So far I've exercised 5 times in the last week so that feels good.

I saw a mom today from my son's preschool last year. I haven't seen her since May and wow, she looked different. I asked her if she lost weight and she said 'yes, 30 pounds' and I said, 'I think I found it'. ha ha. Seriously, she looked awesome and I so want to feel that way again. I want to lose the weight and look good and be healthy and feel good about my body again. It will happen if I want it bad enough. I know it's about changing for good and that is the plan.

I have a few new pics on the side bar if you haven't seen them...just of my boy and hubby. Have a great week!

The pictures

Finally found the camera cord so can download the Easter photos....

These are of my boy with the golden egg which he was excited to find and one with his cousin's guitar. The teenage cousins are really into the guitars and one plays in a band. I was listening to them play and they are really good. They especially like the old tunes like Led Zepplin and Jimmy Hendrix among others. Always surprised they like the old stuff versus the stuff out now. Nice to hear.

Talk to ya later. I'm in the midst of cleaning my boy's room. It was a mess. (this pic in the room with guitar is his cousin, a teenager.....talk about messy! But I was the same way at times.)

Happy Easter!

I hope everyone had a nice Easter yesterday and had some time with family. I am feeling loads better than a few days ago. Oh, what some time off can do for the soul. We had a nice Easter with family except my mom and dad who are being snowbirds down in Palm Desert, CA. I made a dessert called Chocolate Lush. It's not my favorite but it's a family tradition, I guess. It's that dessert that has cream cheese, whip cream and chocolate pudding among other things. I wanted to bring cheesecake as that's my favorite, oh well.

We also did an Easter egg hunt on Saturday, well my son did, at his Christian school. There was too many people as it was open to all the community but he still had fun on jumping on the inflatable toys and visiting with the firemen and getting to climb in their trucks. He ended up with like 5 eggs....so I thought it was a lot of ta-dooo for nothing. But, it was good to run into some friends and spend time with my son and hubby.

Here's a pic of my son during the easter egg hunt at my sister's on Sunday. We did it indoors cause it was raining so much yesterday up at my sister's house, heck the whole darn state so that. (well I'll post the photo later....the camera connector cord had gone missing!!! Arggghhhhh....)

I'm off to clean the house and my son's room. Oh joy, what fun on my vacation....

Hope you are all doing well this week. I'll get in some exercise today! I'll post next time on my weight....uggghhh.... and what I am doing to try to turn things around and start losing again. I think I'm finally ready.

thoughts on fitness....on happiness

I'm blogging a lot this week cause I'm not sleeping well and also I have my time off from school. (see previous post).

When I went to the gym yesterday I forgot the Ipod as I haven't been to the gym in so long that I forgot to put it in my gym bag. I was all like 'oh no' what will I do without my tunes. But, it was a blessing in disguise. I walked and walked the indoor track and got my thoughts sorted. I was totally stressed going into the gym and totally calm coming out. I felt like I accomplished something good for myself and got back to weight lifting too. I think I will pay for that today as I'm already a little sore. Note to self: 'don't go back to lifting what you were lifting 6 months ago'. I wasn't ready. Not that I lift that much but my body isn't used to it.

I remembered that exercise = stress relief for me. I need to keep that in my mind as I get so stressed from this school and work. I get so obsessed with studying and getting good grades that I forget about taking good care of my body. This is the only body I have and I need to quit abusing food. Quit eating the burgers, the tacos, the crap. Ok, can still have the foods just quit eating fast food, eat my own healthy version of them. I do so much better when I quit eating out for the most part.

The other thought on my mind is.....why do I not seem happy for the past 5 plus years? Maybe even more? What did I lose that I had when I was young. I was a fairly happy teen and 20 something and after marriage, each year, I seemed to lose a bit of myself. I lost the ability to do things and enjoy things and be happy. I have been thinking about this a lot. I haven't shared with you all but during the course of the last 6 months I have been down, real down. Yeah, I lost some people I love and that was the spark. The last month or two, I have been crying....all the fricken time. For good reason, for no reason. I don't know. I thought it was the new meds I'm on for the blood pressure but sometimes I think it is from stress or from turning away from things that used to make me happy. I know this is not an easy thing to ponder, to figure out. If I had it all figured out I have a feeling that I would be at a happy and healthy weight for me. All I know is, I can't go on this way. I mean, I do, but it's getting pretty fricken embarrassing to be in the bathroom at work and trying to get a hold of myself cause someone was mean to me. It just has to stop. So, what to do? Quit the meds? Get a shrink? Start drinking? Go to india and study meditation? Ha. Of course, I don't really want to quit my college. I don't really need to run away. The answers are inside me somewhere. I can't let down the people I love. Can I keep it together...will I crack from the pressure.

Anyway, can you tell I'm not sleeping well. Is that ironic? I finally get time to sleep in a bit and I can't. Sucks to be me today. I started out positive and here I end on a negative. I hope the weekend is better and it should be with an easter egg hunt for my son and easter at my sisters so that will be nice.

Maybe I just need sleep....it always get me a little more negative when I'm not well rested. Thoughts? Time for pills to conteract the pills?

What I will do this week and next..oh the goal....is workout at least 3 times a week and continue that when school starts up again. I have a little time on Mon/wed and Friday after school. No excuses, straight to the gym before coming home. Any little bit will help.

the money dilemma

Wow, 2 posts in a week! Can you tell I'm done with my finals. The problem is that I can't sleep. I was going on 5-6 hours a sleep at most and now I can't sleep even though I have a little extra time! By the way, finals went fine...prob. mostly b's but that's ok with me. Ended up with one A- in one of the classes and just waiting to hear on the others next week.

Now, what's stressing me out is my money problems. How to pay off debt? How to pay for college for the next year or more? So...I guess the answer is search for a part time job. I don't know if I can handle it but there are some weekend jobs. Maybe I'll try and see if I can hack it along with school and interning cause with no money, it sucks! I also can apply for financial aid thru the school so looking at that. I don't want to get into more debt if I can help it. And short of selling the house or car I guess I need to work. What good would it do me to get out of debt but have no place to live that's good? I don't know. Things are going round and round in my mind. Like how I can't seem to get it together where money is concerned. It prob. has something to do with me not working. ha. One salary just doesn't cut it.

Share with me your money woes if you have them. Not a good thing to have when you aren't so young anymore. What about fricken retirement! I'm screwed. I know, when I finish this program and work full time I'll have some money to sock away, hopefully. Meanwhile, it's important to finish this school and care for my son. I just wish this school wasn't so much like a full time job!!
I got a break from interning this week and next and back at it on th 31st. I have plans to clean the house, clean my son's room and organize and visit a sick friend who is recovering from heart surgery. I cannot lose another friend now...I can't. I think she is doing well but she's always had problems with her heart. I used to work with her when I worked at the school district and I think she had something like a stint or other put in to repair her weaking aorta. I called her to check on her and she told me that she was in a coma in the hospital prior! Oh my god, that is so scary. We've haven't seen each other that much since we stopped working together but this lady is such a sweet gal. I'm gonna bring her lunch and catch up. I don't think she's up to going out to lunch even though it's been while since the hospital in January. This kind of thing takes a long time to get back to where she was health wise.

Anyway, I'm just rambling and thanks for listening.....sometimes it's weird to share personal details with blogland but it helps and thanks for your comments.

Hey, I'm going to the gym today! Wooooohoooo! some free time is awesome. Too bad I'm so out of shape again but I will try walking the indoor track and some weights or elliptical. Check on you all soon.

Update! Went to the gym and feeling good! I'll write an fitness post this week about my goals.

Not much to say...

Not much to say today....sometimes I get bored with the blog. Just too busy. I'm studying for finals that are are Monday and Wednesday and I'm feeling overwhelmed trying to remember everything I've ever learned all quarter. I know it'll be over soon and I can have a mini break. I wish I could go somewhere! But my son is still in school so I'll be working around the house and really don't have the money to spend anyway.

Stop by and say 'hi' and tell me what you are up to. I'll visit your blogs soon when I get some free time. I'm starting to hate the library. I feel like life is passing me by as I sit and study but whatcha gonna do?

I'm also feeling stress from my clinical intern work. It seems her style of teaching is me just me listening and her talking. If I say something she says 'just listen'. It's maddening and I'm trying to understand where she is coming from. My style of learning is interaction and asking questions. I do have a tendency to talk a bit too much at times but I don't really think that is the case here. I've been trying to keep quiet as a mouse. It's hard do to at my age....I'm no 18 year old here.... I know I have to bear it and do it their way. I have at least a year and 4 months more of this. Can I stand it? I know, it's hard to explain here what I'm talking about. I think it's a chance to look at how I interact with others and how they respond and try to figure out why she would be angry at me. I don't believe in someone treating you like a child and 'speak when spoken to' and wonder if I can last this place, this program. I think it has to do with her being a school age teacher to children long ago. We just lost another one of our students. I guess she works a lot and couldn't handle the pressure or not getting the physics. We started with 24 and now down to 19 students. I hope we don't lose more people.

Ok, I need to get ready for the day and take a few hours out to take my son to a playdate and get to know the other mom as I haven't had much chance for that this year.

Have a great week.

going round and round

I've been going round and round and up and down with my weight. I'll lose three gain 2. Lose 2 gain 3....just not making progress. It seems that when I'm concentrating on work and school I am only wanting to work on the intellectual side. The physical side seems hard to fit in. Last year in the spring and summer I had lots of time to devote to exercise and eating right. Now, its seems a struggle as I constantly have to study. I'm trying so I guess that's the best I can do.

Christie over at http://www.learning-intuition.com/ has been talking about the book intuitive eating. Maybe it's time I looked at that. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the intuitive eating thing but then I go back to my crutch of emotional eating and eating for comfort. Like it's the only thing in the day that I look forward to....a good dinner. Sad I know.

This blog has become more of just what's going on in my life and sometimes that's just not that interesting at the moment. I'm counting down the days till my finals are over on March 20. Can't wait to get some R&R. Don't have any plans do do anything really just get some cleaning and projects done around the house, especially my boy's room and get things organized and filed. I haven't had time for any of these tasks. The day ahead won't be a fun one as I have to study for 2 tests tomorrow. I'm going to try to go to my neice's soccer game as she usually doesn't play close to our town and just happens to be today. So I will go and see my sister an nephew too if I can spare time away from the studies. Tough choice for me sometimes....to study more or to spend time with family as it's getting down to crunch time.

I'm also looking forward to a break from my clinical (health) site where I do xrays. It seems you are under a microscope and they judge your every move as we are learning. My teacher or the lady (technician) who I mainly follow and learn from was in a bitchy mood on Thursday and just layed into me and looked like she hated me. I didn't even do the xray wrong I just did it a little different than she would have done. I felt emotional and had to fight losing it and wanting to cry. I hate feeling like I will do this in front of others. I don't know why I can't handle criticism well some days, I think it was the ugly look and loud tone of voice she used with me. I know it had a lot to do with her too as that morning she said she was in a bad mood. I wish some there wouldn't take it out on others....it happens once in a while and it sucks. I'm sure you have all had these type of people in your life and you just have to deal with it. I'm still feeling like I'm more emotional these days being on this blood pressure meds. I talked to the doc, well really nurse practitioner and she doesn't want me to change meds. I told her I was taking 1/2 a pill cause I felt my body handled it better and she didn't like that. She says I need to take the whole pill as to get my blood pressure in the range she wants. It's not bad now. So it looks like I tell her my symptoms, like feeling depressed and emotional from the meds and she just doesn't listen to me. She says this med with I think is Lisinopril is what insurance companies go with first as it's generic and cheaper. So, it looks like if I want to change to other meds I'll have to insist more. I don't like it when she says "those aren't typical symptoms reported". Well, heck, they are my symptoms and I darn well know if they make changes in my body and affect my life. It just pisses me off...I'll try the meds more but it is my body and my choice, god darnit! Maybe it's time for change in doctors I don't know. I usually like her as my yearly, gyno nurse but now I'm not so sure.

Anyway I'm prob. boring you to tears and I have some work to do. Anybody have trouble with posting yesterday? I couldn't get it to work I guess they must have been working on their system. Take care and hope you all are doing well this week!!! Here's an article from spark and good tips to remember when measuring your progress....http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=487.

To tri....or not to tri, that is the question

I am contemplating if I should do a tri...a triathalon this year. I did my first last summer and now the emails are coming around about the Danskin womens' tri in Seattle this summer. I think what I will do is think about a different one that is closer to where I live and is a lot smaller. I really haven't been in high exercise mode being to be so busy with college and work this year. But....I don't know. I've been hearing on the radio about a September walk a thon to raise money for Susan B. Komen cancer foundation. You walk 20 miles a day for 3 days. That's something I'm thinking of too. It would be hard but doable, I think? I'll think on it some more.

My hubby is in full swing for his June triathalon in San Francisco. He'll be ready for it and we will get a mini weekend vacation so that will be nice. The downside is that it will be my finals week right after and I'll have to try to study and that sucks.

Yes, that pic of us below with our xmas scuba photo, yes we did have santa hats on underwater. It was a fun idea and a time in our life we will always remember and have fond memories of. The one above with the stingray is of me when I used to work in the cayman islands. We had to feed the stringrays at a place called 'stingray city' and this was one of the first times I had to do it. I'm sure I was thinking, I hope these things are friendly!! Maybe this xmas I will get to scuba diving again as we will be in a warm place.....ahhhhh, far away, but can't wait!! Thank got for parents and they are taking us all on a cruise so maybe I'll get a chance for some scuba when we stop at one of the islands.

I survived a very stressful week!!! I had an anatomy/positioning test and a physics test and I did my speech/paper on the barium enema as well as my work at the clinic and doing xray. I haven't gotten the grades on the tests as the teacher is out of town but the speech went pretty well, I think. Now onto the next test.

We aren't doing much this weekend. Just had to go get the final shot/immunizations that they make you get to work in the health care field. We then just looked around the mall and took our son to the playground. We thought of going to a movie like the spiderwick chronicles but I don't know if we'll go. My hubby wanted to see 'jumper' but I don't think my son would like it.

I'm sorry to see my mom and dad go out of town to Palm desert. We can't go this year and visit those snowbirds. I wish we had some warm weather but we can't complain as it's like 50F today and not too bad.

I am trying to eat healthy and I'm doing some walking. I want to get back into full exercise mode and have plans to step it up and get back to the elliptal machine and do weights this week. I'd like to get back into yoga as that is a big stress reliever but we'll see. The teacher I like teaches during the day and now I can't make it to those classes.

I hope you are all doing great this week and I'll come by to visit you here soon.