Friday, March 28, 2008

automatic pilot

What I mean by automatic pilot is I feel that when I started this school is September (the full time part), I felt like I was going on automatic. I would eat, stress, eat, study and on and on. I quit working out and taking care of myself due to the stress, due to being down about the cancer that kills and all the sadness it brings. I wasn't thinking about the price I would have to pay for not being healthy anymore. The blood pressure is up and maybe I've done it to myself. I'm hoping to get off those meds when I lose a good amount of weight.

Now, today at the gym as I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things that automatic pilot is off. I see myself in the mirrors (at yoga yesterday) and I see myself in the window as I round the indoor track. It's a little painful see myself, to really see myself. The bulges and bumps, how far I've gotten off track again. To see 60 yr old men jogging past me. To realize I did this to myself. There is a plus side, I know. It's that I don't give up. It's that I have hope. To know that it is in my power to change!!

I feel like I've been numbing myself to a lot of things by having these fat layers on. It's time to take them off for good and deal with my emotions and reasons for keeping myself at this weight.

I took a day out for me today. To work out, to get a good book and read some before I have to start studying again next week. I'm going to watch a trashy movie from the libary before I have to get my son from school. We will then go back to the 'Y' (the gym) and go swimming or something. He's loving that we go to the gym all the time lately.

I did buy that book 'Intuitive Eating' and going to read more on that. I've also been reading books from the libary such as 'stop the cravings' and 'stop stuffing yourself'. Ha! The stop the cravings is a little interesting as it talks about eastern medicine and how it's the key to getting you off the diet roller coaster for good. It talks about different body types and how to eat. I'm open to anything so we'll see what this trainer/nutritionist is talking about. It's a little hard to follow but I'll read on some more. It's keeping me away from the junk food! I'm doing really well this week on eating. Probably has something to do with not eating out at all this week, except for one lunch with a friend for salad.

Hope everyone is having a good week and thanks for the comments. I'll be weighing in on Wednesdays and keeping a wt tally on the side bar next week. It'll keep me accountable.

(by the's freaky weather hear in washington state the last 2 days. It's been freaking snowing! It's supposed to be time for spring! We lost our power the other night and day for hours and hours....what the frick??? I'm in the weather vortex! I want to move to the sun!!! Yep, just's still snowing but in the 40's so it prob. won't stick!)


Living to Feel Good said...

You know sometimes just reading new info is helpful even if it's stuff we already know. I hope those books are helpful to you, and I think it's great you took a "me" day for yourself. You totally deserve it!!
High five on the gym, and who cares if the old guy passed you. He's been there doing a bunch I bet. Keep going too, and you will pass him I'm sure!! :)

CactusFreek said...

[[Hugs]] for you :o/
Finding our mojo is hard sometimes, and we get sidetracked while waiting for it to appear.
Shannon, one of Australias Biggest Loser trainers, said something a few days ago that really struck me. He said, "If you lose your focus and blow it, You'll never forgive yourself!" I don't know if it was just the way he said it or what, but i quickly wrote it on our messege/white board so i can see that every day.
Because it's so true. We need to work on what KEEPS us focused when we are doing well. If we recognise it, we can fall back on it in unmotivated times.
Health is supposed to be an enjoyable part of our every day lives. Not something we put on a shelf when we "don't have time" or "don't feel up to it".
It's finding the right balance that's the tricky bit though huh?

Were you running when the old guy past you? Maybe he thought you were hot, and he was trying to impress you? lol

Chris H said...

I am proud of you .. always striving to get back on track.. and doing it! And working. And looking after your family. YOU ROCK.

celtic_girl said...

You are right, hope is everything as they say "A life without hope....."

I have to start taking "ME" time as well. Good luck with everthing.

Meow Meow said...

What is the best pasrt about Yoga?

"The Captain" said...

Getting back on track is tough. I am going on a five mile walk tonight.

Spider63 said...

You have done it, but you can undo it... Exercise!!!