Friday, March 21, 2008

thoughts on fitness....on happiness

I'm blogging a lot this week cause I'm not sleeping well and also I have my time off from school. (see previous post).

When I went to the gym yesterday I forgot the Ipod as I haven't been to the gym in so long that I forgot to put it in my gym bag. I was all like 'oh no' what will I do without my tunes. But, it was a blessing in disguise. I walked and walked the indoor track and got my thoughts sorted. I was totally stressed going into the gym and totally calm coming out. I felt like I accomplished something good for myself and got back to weight lifting too. I think I will pay for that today as I'm already a little sore. Note to self: 'don't go back to lifting what you were lifting 6 months ago'. I wasn't ready. Not that I lift that much but my body isn't used to it.

I remembered that exercise = stress relief for me. I need to keep that in my mind as I get so stressed from this school and work. I get so obsessed with studying and getting good grades that I forget about taking good care of my body. This is the only body I have and I need to quit abusing food. Quit eating the burgers, the tacos, the crap. Ok, can still have the foods just quit eating fast food, eat my own healthy version of them. I do so much better when I quit eating out for the most part.

The other thought on my mind is.....why do I not seem happy for the past 5 plus years? Maybe even more? What did I lose that I had when I was young. I was a fairly happy teen and 20 something and after marriage, each year, I seemed to lose a bit of myself. I lost the ability to do things and enjoy things and be happy. I have been thinking about this a lot. I haven't shared with you all but during the course of the last 6 months I have been down, real down. Yeah, I lost some people I love and that was the spark. The last month or two, I have been crying....all the fricken time. For good reason, for no reason. I don't know. I thought it was the new meds I'm on for the blood pressure but sometimes I think it is from stress or from turning away from things that used to make me happy. I know this is not an easy thing to ponder, to figure out. If I had it all figured out I have a feeling that I would be at a happy and healthy weight for me. All I know is, I can't go on this way. I mean, I do, but it's getting pretty fricken embarrassing to be in the bathroom at work and trying to get a hold of myself cause someone was mean to me. It just has to stop. So, what to do? Quit the meds? Get a shrink? Start drinking? Go to india and study meditation? Ha. Of course, I don't really want to quit my college. I don't really need to run away. The answers are inside me somewhere. I can't let down the people I love. Can I keep it together...will I crack from the pressure.

Anyway, can you tell I'm not sleeping well. Is that ironic? I finally get time to sleep in a bit and I can't. Sucks to be me today. I started out positive and here I end on a negative. I hope the weekend is better and it should be with an easter egg hunt for my son and easter at my sisters so that will be nice.

Maybe I just need sleep....it always get me a little more negative when I'm not well rested. Thoughts? Time for pills to conteract the pills?

What I will do this week and next..oh the goal....is workout at least 3 times a week and continue that when school starts up again. I have a little time on Mon/wed and Friday after school. No excuses, straight to the gym before coming home. Any little bit will help.

3 comments:

Christie said...

I'm so sorry you have been feeling this way. Without knowing you super well or knowing what things are like, I have a hard time coming up with suggestions. I think seeing a therapist would be an excellent thing to do. You need to find out what the causes are of your unhappiness and do something about it. Whether it's just about your body, or maybe your marriage, or maybe your current life situation, I don't know... but you should definitely find out and work toward changing it. You DESERVE to be happy and I think that's part of the problem is often us women forget that we deserve that.

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Big hugs to you Patti.. I have no answers for you... this is a hard one...
I have been down and out before and it is hard to pick yourself back up and get on with it...
All I can say is plz take care... and try to talk to someone...
I hope your financial worries are eased soon...

"The Captain" said...

I just wanted to stop by and say happy Easter!!!
Jeff