Friday, February 02, 2007

Rock Bottom


Ok, I admit it. I've hit rock bottom, hit a real low point. I didn't want to make this the wt gain blog or the negative, pessimistic blog but I gotta write what I feel. I fell off the wagon big time. He#l I can't even catch up to the wagon matter how hard I run after it. It's like I've jumped off the high dive in the pool only to find no water at the bottom. I'm laying there thinking "how the heck am I gonna get up, now I'm down and out?". My rationality was that I would eat some crap food and then it would be out of my system. So I had the terriyaki, the chinese, the burgers w/ fries, the taco's w/ mexi fries, the ice cream, the cinnamon roll, etc., etc.....but the real low felt like yesterday. The choice was go to the gym, go to the bookstore or go get some Pad Thai noodles. The noodles won out as I said to myself "you haven't had these in months and you know you want some!" I was eating them and I wasn't even hungry and got sad. This is past food enjoyment, is this punishing myself or what? It's strange to think I used the food to block out bad feelings about some things in my life. Numb myself with food. This is scary territory. I know it's not the lowest I've been. That would be last year in April when I hit 246 and felt real bad about how I looked. So for 8 months I was good, I was on the straight and narrow and eating well week after week with hardly any slip ups. Then when xmas came, I went off program. At first just a little, then down the slippery slope to the bottom. It's not just all about the food, I have other issues in my life and one or two bad thing seems to make my good intention and progress in my wt loss go by the wayside. My wt is fluctuating wildly from up 5 pounds, then down 3, then up, then down. Anyway, just wanted to get this all out and tell you why I haven't been blogging as often. So many of you are doing so well out there and thought I could just get myself out of this but it feels like depression.

The good news is today, I started anew again. I ate right, I exercised for an hour and 1/2. I'm feeling pretty good today compared to yesterday. My goals for next week, starting on Monday I will exercise 5 days per week and I will detoxify as far as eating natural foods and lean meats and quit the processed crap. I'll take it easy this weekend but I do have some social stuff with going out to this adult bowling center w/ 5 other couples. No kids allowed for this and my sister is going to watch my son for the night so that will be nice to have some fun time. Then the super bowl on Sunday but I'm not that into it but it usually involves eating something fattening. I'm off to take my son to a carnival night at his school. Should be fun for him. Everyone have a good week!

14 comments:

Briony said...

You just need to take one hour at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time. Soon it will turn into a week, then two, then a month and you'll be feeling much happier with yourself when you are eating better and exercising. Sometimes we just need to get a binge out of our system though and then we're okay for a while.
I think there's a lot of us that need a good dose of motivation right about now.
Bri

Flo said...

Briony's right, take it slow, one step at a time. I used to tell myself that I only had this choice right now. The past doesn't matter and the future's not here yet, I only have right here right now. That would get me through a lot of rough spots. Do not beat yourself up!!! You know you can do it, you did it for 8 months, you'll get it back. Good luck and know that we are all out here pulling for you.

Terri said...

Not all of us is doing great. Losing weight is diffenanently a struggle. I hit perfect moments then I hit those moments where I have a comfort problem. That is my mind wants to reach for food for comfort and I have to spend time to talk myself out of it.

It is good that you found your path and plan now I will look forward to read about them.


As for Super Bowl Sunday, I am still figuring out how to skip all the fattening stuff and I think I will pull up hungry-girl.com for some idea’s.

Have a great weekend and say NO to junk food!

Hilly said...

I agree with taking it one day at a time and just doing what you can. I also want to tell you that you are not alone. Recently, I had arm surgery AND then got bronchitis at the same time...eh, I am still in the middle of it actually. In any case, I have not been on my plan for three weeks now and in the beginning, it was all about eating to numb my pain. I was having cake, brownies, brulee.....basically eating take-out every night and I could feel myself eating it and hoping that everything would hurt less because of it.

Lame, but true. Now I am still not eating my Jenny Craig food, but I am making wise choices and slowly getting back into it. I take it a day at a time and that is all I can do!

the veggie paparazzo said...

We all falter sometimes. But you're getting yourself up and back on track, and that's the important thing.

Would it help you, or would it overwhelm you, to be able to have a small amount of one of those foods each week? If I ever tried to give up something as delicious as Pad Thai long-term, I know I'd give in eventually as well.

Kim said...

I want to say something wonderful and supportive - but I am in much the same place myself right now. I know that as tired as I am of the struggle, that I don't want to give up. I can't. And I don't want you to give up either. I know how hard it is to slide backwards, looking back up the same hill we just climbed...but find the strength in there to do it. You are so worth it.

celtic_girl said...

Your post to me, reflects the enornmous strength you have.Strength that will ultimatly win the war you are currently battling. You have honestly laid everthing on the table and have been able to come up some combating strategies.I think thats pretty admirable!

CactusFreek said...

Other than the wonderful words that everyone else has said here,
This blog isn't just for the "good time" entries. Isn't it for you to reflect on bad times too? By reflecting on them, you learn how to overcome them quicker :o)
Maybe you have had a bad trot since Christmas, But that was only a month ago. Wasn't your last bad trot a bit longer? If it was, then you have learnt. Do your best from today on, and the next bad trot will last an even shorter time :o)
Eventualy you'll get the hang on it.
You're a stronger woman than you think!

Now about this delish zuchinni dish you spoke of on my blog. How long do you put the zuchinnis in the oven for?

TrixieBelden said...

Congratulations on picking yourself up and starting anew. You are brave. And being brave isn't about not being scared. It's about being scared or depressed and still facing it and doing it anyway. Bravo to you! I know when my depression hits it is like a wave that envelopes me and getting out of bed is hard. What you are doing is so great. Our weight loss journeys are going to have ups and downs and its all about moving forward one step at at time. You have proven that you can do this. Believe in yourself, because we all believe in you! :)

Living to Feel Good said...

I think everyone gave you come great advice, and I agree to take it one day at a time.
I actually had a really bad last two days, and my stomach hurts for my poor choices. The sad thing is, I only enjoyed a couple things, the other things I ate didn't taste that great, but I ate them anyway. I think that I am still working out helps to not make me fall off for good. It also helps lift my spirits.
Just do the best you can and maybe slowly cut back some of the bad food until you can get back on track. Don't worry hun..you will. :)

angelfish24 said...

Thanks everyone for commenting. It has been hard lately but it's just life. Winter time is always my hardest time of year...wish I could move to Florida, but the family keeps me here for now. I appreciate you all giving me words of encouragement and I am taking it one day at a time and going to ww today. It's been ages but it's the first step to being accountable and to get back on track.

Big Ass Belle said...

don't give up, honey. that crap, once it's in us, develops a life of its own. i swear those processed refined junky foods live on in my body and speak to me once i eat them. it shouldn't be, but it is.

you have a plan and you're on the way. it's not a failure, it's just another learning opportunity and a reminder of how yucky it really feels to be way off into the junk.

hoping today you're feeling well. big hugs, lynette

Spider63 said...

You can't get up unless you fall down! It is a chance for a new start, make it count!!

christie said...

oh honey i have been there so many times. The fact you're talking about it and already recovering from it is SO wonderful. I know you'll get past this and back into your healthy pattern. We all need a break sometimes. You will be fine, I know you will!!!! I love you!