Saturday, March 10, 2007

The stranger.....and self esteem

A weird thing happened to me the other day. My son and I had just gotten our baggage at the airport and just went outside to meet my hubby when he drove up. This fellow was running with his bag and I saw him out of the corner of my eye as he we ran the other way as I heard the wheels of his bag making a lot of noise. All of of sudden I heard the noise stop and I just felt like someone's eyes were boring into the back of my head so I turned around and this guy was flat out staring at me. We locked eyes and the wheels turned in my head, 'is it an old lover (there were several before the hubby), no, was it an old classmate, no, was it an old friend, no, a scuba student or co-worker from the time I lived in the islands, no.' He kind of reminded me of Bob from the Bachelor show. Did you ever see that guy? He was on Oprah a few times too. He just kept staring and then we continued on our way to catch our ride. It was weird though and I was thinking, is he checking me out? I don't look 1/2 bad today as I didn't wear my usual black and had on new clothes. Does he think I'm his long lost sister, lover, etc? Is this the first time he's seen a woman as he's been in the amazon out in the wild? Ha!

I just started to think of my self esteem and body image and this made me think of all these years I've been hiding under this layer of fat. Not many guys will look at a chubby woman compared to a thin one. I've stayed under the radar. But, there are occasional times when a guy will look or talk to me. I remember when I was thin and I got a lot more attention, and sometimes I didn't like it. Of course, I have the attention of the man I care most about, my husband but when he compliments me I'm thinking "he's just saying that to make me feel good" or when we get some quality time "is he checking out my fat tummy or chubby thighs". Arrggghhhg....I really am sick of being down on myself about my size and how it affects my personal relationships and just going out and doing all that I want to do.

In other news, I have been exercising a lot but I still continue to make some undesirable food choices. What am I stuffing down? What emotion? I need to find a way to deal with it and it continues to elude me, this issue with food. Why can it not just be sustenance. Why can't I eat to live instead of living to eat???? The million dollar question I suppose.

Well, we are off to a kids bday party at a play place so that will be fun for my son and then maybe out to dinner or something. I'm starting my tri training and I'll talk more about it later. I'm determined not to be in last place at the danskin tri!!! I hope everyone is having a good week!!


Chris H said...

RANDOM ! Did it feel creepy while he was staring at ya? You should have asked him why he was staring at you? Weird.

Terri said...

I hate it when people stares even guys. I guess I am into learning to love myself and I guess in so many ways I might be getting a little stuck up. I dunno.

Today isn't a good day. I bomb out on emotions today. Had two good size slices of pizza's and two bowls of this amazing cottage cheese salad that I didn't need and I feel BLOATED.

This will show on the scale tomorrow. All I can do is repeat the word behave tomorrow and exercise. I didn't exercise today either so again. I'm flying on one of my lows.

Kim said...

It's kind of cool to be checked out - especially if it has been a while, AND it isn't by some creepy dude. You must be sending out some positive feel good vibes, and that is a great thing! :)

TrixieBelden said...

It is weird when you get noticed by a guy and it has been a while since it has happened. When it has happened to me it's like I had had Harry Potter's invisible cloak on and could travel about the world alone and then all of a sudden the cloak stopped working. Sorry for the random reference. I think the staring and checking you out is just one more thing we all have to get used to as we progress down this road of weight loss. We live in a world that trains men to stare at thin women. It's unfortunate that those are the only women they seem to stare at.

Living to Feel Good said...

He recognized you from your blog!! Just kidding, but I do fear that happening to me. It would be so weird.

Terri said...

ROFL! You know what LTFG comment isn't to funny. I had that happen to me once back oh I dunno 4 years ago. It wasn't a blog though. It was some dating profile I had up at one time. I won't ever do that again on the Internet!

I always get the weirdo's

mo said...

I feel that same way when my hubby compliments me. I look forward to the day when I actually believe him!

BigAssBelle said...

well i'm an attention hound. love to have them check me out. i do it right back :-)

but you're right, sometimes it feels creepy. i have to remember, though, that not all men are as critical and condemning as i am. lots of them may be attracted to more than simply a physical shape and size. example: pretty hair, a certain energy level, way of walking, a joyful and vivacious personality. you just never know and sometimes it's just something almost chemical. you, apparently, did it for that guy and i hope you take it as the affirmation it is.

as long as he doesn't turn into a stalker :-)