gloom and doom

Can't help but feel a sense of gloom and doom. I had a call from the nurse and I can't even remember the exact wording but they think they might see something on my chest xray but it's indeterminable. Whatever the heck that means. And my cholesterol is a bit high but not sky high. Now the nurse says the doc wants me to go ahead with the stress test/ekg thing which I was going to do anyway next week but now wants me to see a pulmonologist or something to rule out problems with the lungs. I'm really confused by this. I'm not sure if they might see something in the lungs or what. It doesn't make sense for me to see two diff. specialists when I haven't even had all the heart tests. My symptoms have been heart related not breathing related.

As you can tell I'm not a happy camper at the moment. I'm trying to stay up and positive but it's impossible these days. I ended up cancelling on my outing with my friends due to school stress and the health stuff. And for some reason when the nurse left a message to call her I knew it wasn't all good news. Sometimes I think I have too much intuition.

I didn't weigh in today, I am on a hiatus but I bet I'm up some. It's taking a back seat for now. But I vow to eat healthy today and to get in a walk. I can't do heavy cardio now as I'm not feeling my best but I can still walk. School is going pretty good but they are tough on us and had our first test the 1st week. It seemed to go well but I'm already behind on the reading. I have 4 classes and they give us about 2 huge chapters per class per week so I'm not sure when I'm gonna get it all done. I usually would take a weekend day and go to the library but we are going down to my aunt's house for my uncle's funeral or as she is calling it the 'life celebration'. So it will be extremely hard but it will be good to spend some time with that side of the family. My cousins (3 of them) all have small children so my son will enjoy seeing them. So, gotta do the family thing and they want us to spend the night on Saturday. I'm just having trouble due to the school demands versus family wishes. I can't let them down so I will find a way.

I will try to do a more uplifting post sometime or diet/wt related eventually but I feel like I'm just keeping my head above water. Hope everyone out in blogland is doing good and I will visit your sites soon.

The weekend

Went to a play yesterday called 'Lone Star Love' starring Randy Quaid. It was funny but hokey. It is a new play and will eventually end up on broadway they say. I thought he was good in the goofy, womanizing role but I guess he didn't get great reviews. I thought he was funny and like him in his movie roles too. I remember having a little crush on his younger brother, Dennis Quaid way back when he was married to Meg Ryan. He seemed so funny. After the play, we then went out to dinner at a british pub/restaurant (think it was called Elephant and Castle) though I didn't try the English food. About as English as my family gets is fish n' chips. Ha, ha! I couldn't get anyone to try the shepherd's pie and my mom wanted me to try bangers n' mash. The only one who venture to try something different was my sister Denise who had some kind of meat pie thing.

Today was spent cleaning up the house and to the store to get ready for the busy week ahead with my school and getting everyone organized as we will need to get up real early on Mon/wed/fridays. I will get up at 5am. It will take some getting used to but on Tuesdays I will have off school, thank god, to study and Thursday is a little lighter schedule. We are in the bedtime battles tonight trying to get my son to sleep earlier as he will need to go to day care for 2 hours on the busy days before school. It will be an adjustment and we may have a cranky and tired kid for a few days but we'll adjust sooner or later.

I did get my blood work done and my xray so I'm waiting for the results. I will do the stress test in early October. I was having a lot of pressure and radiating arm pain all week. I almost starting freaking and thinking 'should I go to the ER?' But, I chose not to and was glad as yesterday it didn't seem as bad. I'm trying to use mind over matter and see if this is stress related or what. I do have some of the signs of high blood pressure I think and will keep an eye on that. My mother takes meds for high blood pressure since her 40's and it can't be controlled by diet or exercise as she is just a little thing so it could be me who gets the curse. But, it's ironic if I do get this condition as I feel I'm healthier than I have been in years as far as I dropped 40 pounds and exercised like crazy this year. But who knows what my body is up to?

So, for my bad week I didn't get much exercise in as I was in pain and my eating hasn't been great. Kind of mad at myself but what ya gonna do? Tomorrow is a new day and I'm off the diet wagon for now. I will try to get in a walk and a good workout on Tuesday if I feel good.

I'm hoping to see some friends for a walk on Wednesday night but it's getting harder to travel and meet them with my school demands now. I travel about an hour to see them and have to figure out how to coordinate with my hubby after work and it feels like a hassle during the school week and now with me up early. But, I like to see my friends as they make me feel good and a it's good to connect with them so I will keep trying to see them.

My hubby is busy selling stuff on Ebay so I gotta give up the computer. We did get another computer (a laptop) and a wireless router that was a hand-me-down so maybe we can both be surfing here soon when I figure it all out.

Hope you are all doing well this week and thanks for kind comments. I'm not posting as much but I'm trying for at least 2 per week.

weigh in and more sad news and concerns for me

Sorry I'm such a sad sack at the moment! Believe you me, I would rather be postive and upbeat like I usually am but I can't at the moment. (or in the past month it seems)

First of all, the weight in for today is a maintain...so still at 203. I think I will just try to maintain at this point as that's all I feel I can do at this stage. I'm not giving up on the weight loss, just postponing it a bit.

My sad news is that my uncle died last night. We knew it was coming but I find myself breaking out in tears today. I'm tired of all this dying it is starting to wear on me.

Another thing that is happening that I didn't mention before is that since the end of August I've been having some chest and left arm pain. I chocked it up to just a sore muscle after the triathlon or perhaps from weight training so I have been ignoring it. But this past week I've been having a irregular heart beat. Kind of like the heart skips a beat so that is real unusual for me. So, to be on the safe side I decided to go see the doctor today before my school really gets so busy next week. I had a EKG and that seemed fine but my blood pressure was up but I think it had to do with being emotional today and a little nervous. Because of my symptoms of some minor chest pain and some a few weeks ago when I went running she ordered more tests. So, I will have the blood work to check the cholesterol, kidney function, etc. tomorrow and get a chest x-ray. Also in about 2 weeks I will get one of these stress tests done where they hook you up like the bionic woman or something. Of course, I didn't feel my heart doing the abnormal thing today but I did last night. Isn't that just the way it is? You have symptoms and then they stop at the doctors. I still have the mild pressure in the chest though. So I asked, could all this emotional stress I have been under cause these symptoms? She said maybe but that she didn't think so. I'm not sure. I just want to be safe and not sorry. We have no heart disease in my family, it's the cancer that kills our clan. So wish me luck that this will all end up being nothing!!

So that is one reason that I will just try to maintain as my mind/heart and everything isn't into the weight loss. I will keep blogging though, ok? I like to see how all of you are doing too. For good things to look forward to I have a play to go to in Seattle on Saturday and so will see my sisters and mom. The next weekend will be a 'life celebration' for my uncle so that will be really emotional. I am trying to do a 'what I am thankful for list' to try to keep things in perspective.

I'm busy starting my reading for radiology and getting some other things ready but it's funny just as I'm about to learn to xray in our mock lab at school, I'll get my own xray. Not the best of days today but I'm still functioning! My cars front brakes are out so I'm getting that fixed today but not looking forward to the bill. I'm just Ms. Negative today aren't I? That positive thinking is just not working for me right now.

I hope all of you out in blogland are doing well on your own healthy living journeys. And, thanks for checking up on me...I appreciate it.

Not feeling on top of my game

For some reason I'm not feeling on top of my game. I feel lax, I feel unmotivated. It could have to do with my hubby and son are sick with colds so need some extra care. It could be that my uncle who has cancer took a turn for the worse and is in the hospital. He prob. doesn't have long to live. With his illness being so close to losing my friend to cancer, I just can't deal very well.

So, it is one day at a time. The stress of going back to school was difficult. I mean not in going to school but managing all my other duties. Taking care of my son and taking care of my health. I hardly worked out but I did have company so it was hard to get away. I did get in some walking but that was about it.

I vow to do better this week! I will workout tomorrow at the gym and try to do some walking today. I will do better on my eating and try to watch my portions more. Ok, that's my short pep talk to myself. I feel like as I close in on 200 that I loose my focus or maybe it's just all the changes going on in my life. I find my motivation lacking and that hasn't happened for quite a while. It scares me a little as I don't want to slide back and not recover.

Anyway, yesterday as my hubby was feeling real ill and needing to rest my son and I went out to do putt putt golf. My son loves it! We got a ribbon for doing it but he really wants that trophy that they give out but you have to get a hole in one on the last hole and of course it's almost impossible as you have to hit up this ramp and get it in the tiny hole. After that we went to play video games and games where you get tickets and trade them in for prizes. He went in this huge ball pit area. Usually I don't like these things as they seem so dirty. They prob. don't even clean them as it would be too hard to do. But he was begging and this ball pit is like the size of a swimming pool so kinda cool.

We may go to the local fair again tomorrow as I like to see all the animals and all the exhibits. Last time we just took him on rides and to see Patrick from the sponge bob show. The photo turned out a little blurry though but he was excited and liked the picture. Now, of course, he wants to go back when Sponge bob is there.


Other than that this week I need to get the rest of my shots done for the future hospital work and get my car fixed it is making some awful sounds in the front wheel and of course start study my radiology as I have reading assignments already!

I hope everyone is doing well this week and getting in some exercise and I will too.

bah humbug

I almost don't feel like posting this after feeling good about my loss the last 2 weeks but I want to be honest and accountable so....I'm up 2 pounds and at 203. Onederland will have to wait a while longer. After being sick and losing a lot I started to eat normally this weekend up till now and the weight shot back up! Ok, it just a small step backward and I'm not going to get down about it. But I do feel slightly bad as Spider named me his wt loss winner last week which I rarely am the biggest loser of the week so feel a little like I let myself down or others. ha. I know this is my own battle I'm fighting and each of you is your own wt loss battle too. I actually saw the scale hit 200 pounds exactly even on Thursday but it was only for a day. I guess I am just on track for my slow rate of loss that I usually have if I average it out so it's not all bad. But, sometime, I think my body is fu**ing with me. I was at this weight up and down a few pounds years ago and was at this weight for quite a long time. Maybe the setpoint theory? You know your body remember weights that you had stayed at for a while and has trouble moving past them. Just a theory. Probably has to do more with that I slowed down on my exercise.

I've got some more stress in my life as back to school now and it's getting a little intense. Sometimes it's boring going over all the procedures and expectations they have of us in radiology. Then 2 hospital coordinators came out to talk to us because we will be working the
'clinical' aspect of school as they call it which means 2 days a week I will be working in the hospital or imaging center starting in January. I will learn on the job as a student and working with a certified radiology tech. which will be the best way to learn. Kind of like an apprenticeship I suppose. Well, anyway, one of these ladies tried to scare the pants off us by talking about all the blood, guts, vomit, poop, pee, etc. that we will see. That we will see death and suffering and on and on. I think she is trying to weed us out or at least give us worst case scenerios that we will see. I know what I might encounter working with sick and hurt people. I've thought about it long and hard and I think I can handle it. I'm sure there will be days that will hard to take but I'll take it one day at a time. I got a little look into it last year when I did my job shadows and got to spend time in radiology and observe the tech's and the stress they can get.

Well, gotta go to bed as we went to the local fair tonight and my son had a blast but I am wiped out and need some sleep as I'm getting up at 5:30am these days and having a bit of a challenge getting adjusted to that. I'm a night owl and trying to make myself an early bird is going to take some time. I find myself a little cranky in the mornings as I haven't been getting enough sleep.
The good thing is I'm meeting some new friends at school and have a feeling I'll get pretty tight with some of these 24 people in my class over the next 2 years. Also, the school is taking my mind off of my sad feelings about losing my friend. So, this is a good thing for me. I know Dawn would want me to be happy and try not to keep grieving over her and crying. I know she would want us to just remember all the good times and thoughts about her so I am trying. But, as you all know if you've lost someone close to you, it seems to take a long time to get over a loss such as this. Do you really ever get over losing someone close to you? I think it just gets a little easier with time but it's still there. Kind of like that person that died took a little bit of your heart with them and you can't get it back. The world is a little less bright without them in your life.

I hope to get in some more exercise this week but so far with school and my mom visiting we've only been walking a few miles and not consistantly. I haven't even gotten to the gym and am really missing it! I will get there this weekend and get out on a bikeride too. I hope everyone's week is good and talk to you on the weekend or I'll see you on your blogs when I get some time!

Nice weekend in Oregon

We had a nice weekend in Oregon. We went to Cascade Locks as my husband was doing a triathalon called 'Escape from the Gorge'. Here's a picture of him and my son yesterday when we were on our way home. We stopped at Mulnomah Falls a few miles away from where we stayed. It was very pretty there. The triathlon went well but there was strong wind through the Columbia River (gorge) channel and there were some good sized waves. They shortened the swim portion of the race. My hubby said they had to rescue 7 people out of the water and someone said they had to do rescue breathing on one person. Scary. My son and I just hung around the playground and race area as you really can't watch the bike and run portions so I just took pictures when he came back to get his bike or to go out running. My pics didn't turn out that well but here's one of him running and one of him at the end of the bike portion going to the transition area to start running.














I'm pround of him for doing all his races and like that he enjoys it so much. It's hard to find a hobby you can really enjoy. One of the reasons he did this race was to attempt to place in the top 2 in his age group to qualify to the Escape for Alcatraz held in June next year in San Francisco. He didn't place in the top as there were a lot of guys in his age group. I told him, 'hey there are alot of guys going through a mid life crisis too'. I was just joking but there seemed to be a lot of men in the plus 40 group. It was his lucky day though as they had a lottery at the end where they draw 8 people's name for an extra chance to go to the Alcatraz race and my hubby got picked. He was so happy it was nice to see. I say 'why do you want to do that race so bad?' and he says something like 'because I can' or 'because not many people get the chance to do it'. I say ok, if you want to battle the freezing cold temperatures of San Francisco bay and battle the sharks, (ha, just kidding)! I hope I will be able to go next year with him but have a feeling it will be right around finals time at my college.

We also had a chance to go over to the town of Hood River, OR. I wanted to get a picture of all the wind surfers but not many out on Saturday. Here's a pic of the town from a far and the marina.




Here's another waterfall picture....love those waterfalls. We did see some windsurfers on Sunday at this place called Rooster Rock. There were also a lot of Kite boarders (I think it's called). It's where you have this big kite and you take it in the water and you ride this type of board that looks like a wake board for water skiiing. Some of these guys caught the high winds just right and were flying out of the water. It looks awesome but also looks hard. Maybe I can try it someday? Who knows.









In other news, I didn't eat particularly well this weekend as we were eating out a lot. Oh well, forgive myself and move on. After my last 2 weeks of losing quite a bit I'm predicting that my Weds. weigh in won't be a loss. Oh well. What is it '2 steps forward and 1 step back'. Or is it '1 step forward and 2 steps back'.

I start my first college class tomorrow. It is a 4 day class having to do with cpr and other health topics. Then I have next week off and the real radiology classes start on 9/24. So, I'm looking forward to that and also to my mom coming down tonight for a few days. She wanted to help take Chase to school while I'm at school just for the week so that was very nice. We will go to that concert tonight, Doherty, and then later in the week take my son to the fair to do some rides. Now I just have to stay away from those elephant ears! yikes. Anyone else have a weakness for these doughy, cinnamon-sugary dessert?

I hope everyone has a great week.

Walmart sucks

Feel like ranting today. I dropped my son off at school and went over the local Walmart in my town. I usually don't go to this one as it sucks. It was early and only bought 2 things, as teacher said he needs an umbrella. First of all, if you are a true washintonian then you rarely use an umbrella. You make due and you use a hood or whatever. Anyway, I get in line and I'm behind this guy who is just buying white t-shirts and jeans. He actually has a pair on and the lady has to zap the tag right off his body. I'm thinking, "what pants did he wear in here?". Then I notice he had on the new t-shirt too. Did he come in here in his underwear?

Then he tries to run the card on credit. Then he says "no, I need cash so run as a debit". They tried to run in like 10 times and no go. So finally he says "ok, run it as credit". Then that doesn't work as it says he needs a new card or needs to see customer service agent. So about 15 minutes of this and only one other line open way across the store. So, since I can't get past this guy I go to the other line. Then it's some lady that can't find the bar code on her stuff and then it's a debate with her daughter about if they can afford all the stuff. I finally get through the line and it's only 9am! Walmart sucks big time. I don't mean to rude but sometimes I get so tired of the dumb, white trash, poor people in my area that couldn't move fast if a rhino was behind them. Ok.....I'm calming down now and don't mean to offend anyone. I am not going into that store again....the one in a diff. city is so much better. Maybe I need to move out of this town but doesn't look like that's going to happen soon.

I find myself crying a lot about my friends passing. Why can't I move on and quit dwelling on it? I know why, cause she was so close to me, to my heart. I want to pick up the phone and call her but I know she is no longer there. I invested so much of myself in that friendship and I knew it would really hurt when I lost her. I'm kind of feeling that my big challenge next week of going back to college is going to be a really hard time for me. Maybe it's the timing or what. I need to focus on school and give it all I got because I hear this first quarter of radiology is really hard. I also have worked very hard to get into this school and can't blow it now. I need to focus and find the time to do homework too....so I will be burning both ends of the candle. Lord, give me the strength to do this and be sane around my family. My boy and husband need so much of me too. I can do this, I am strong, well, somewhere in here.

On the diet front, after I started eating more food my wt jumped up a little. I guess I expected it too with all the water wt lost. I will combat it by going to the gym today and trying to have healthy weekend of eating. The bright spot is that we are going down to Oregon tomorrow for my husband's race and I'll get to visit that cute town of Hood River. I really liked it when I visited it before. Then, on Monday, the local big fair is happening (for a few weeks) and my mom is coming into town and wants me to go to the concert, Chris Doherty. You know, the rocker guy that was on American Idol. I didn't watch idol that much but I've heard his songs on the radio so I think that will be fun.

Friends have been calling a lot to offer me support. I haven't talked to hardly any of them at all. Maybe I want to mourn in peace? Maybe they don't understand the relationship that I had with her as they didn't know her well. I've talked to one friend that was best friends with Dawn when we were in high school and beyond. She is having a hard time too. I'm also having a hard time that I can't go to the funeral on Monday. I have too many committments and the airfare is sky high at $479. I chose to go down and see Dawn when she was alive so I'm happy about that. I just wish I could be there for her family. I know Dawn knows that I love her and that is what was most important. So, we will send flowers and cards and hope that helps a little.

Well, sorry this was kind of downer post but that's how I feel today. I hope brighter days are ahead for me. I am feeling better but not quite over my tummy flu thing. And, I hope you all will have a safe and healthy weekend. Oh, and here is an article about emotional eating, something that I've struggled with in the past. It's good to read about ways to combat it when it rears it's ugly head. ha. http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=596

weigh in and news I didn't want to get

My weigh in for today is I am down -4.5 pounds!! That brings me to 201! So close to onderland I can taste it. Even though I felt I was eating too much on Saturday and Sunday I came down with some stomach bug on Monday and am losing weight rapidly!! I'm afraid it is mostly water weight as I can't keep much down so we'll see if I can keep it off next week. I still haven't kicked this bug and don't know know how to. I guess I just have to wait it out. It's been a long time since I've felt this ill and weak. I wouldn't want anyone to have to lose weight this way. I'm afraid it's not fat loss but muscle and water loss as I'm feeling lethargic.

I have been trouble getting all the things I need to do...done. I got my son off to his first day of school but found myself sweating while we were in his classroom. Think I have a fever, it sucks! So, I only got in 2 days of exercise and that was just walking. I hope to get well soon so I can resume my workouts.

I also got the bad news that I knew would be coming that my friend Dawn had passed away yesterday. I knew it was coming but I guess I didn't think it would be so soon. But, she didn't look good when I saw her last week. I am just thankful that I had a lot of time with her this year and I hope she is at peace now. I believe that she is, and that she is with her mother and sister who passed away before her.

That's all I got today. Check out my post from yesterday about vegas and the room and things. I need to go lay down....ick. Hope you all are doing well.

Some pics to share of vegas

Here's some pics of the room I had in vegas. They didn't come out too well but it was like neon pink and white vinyl along with stripes on the wall. They had those big lights bulbs like you have in you standard bathroom and they were bright cause they were right above the bed! I didn't like that....I wanted my room dimmer and more relaxing. But, I did like the plasma tv and the mirror in the bathroom w/ a tv built into it. Also had the glass shower and cd/dvd player and ipod hookup. It was kinda weird how at night if you had the bathroom light on it kind of gave off a neon pink glow.

I didn't take any other pictures of my friend Dawn. She wasn't at her best and we have so many pics of us having happy times as I have been taking them from the last 2 years or so. I called down there to talk to her hubby and see how things Dawn is doing and it is getting bad which I knew it would. Her MIL called me later and told me to speak into the phone and she would put in at Dawn's ear as she said even though she sleeps a lot she can hear. So I did and told her how I felt about her and things and then the MIL says she is reaching for the phone. I don't know but it felt strange. Dawn's sister was coming down to see her again and help out and they are deciding if they can keep up the home care or if she will go to a hospice place to die. I thought the plan was to die at home but I think it's another story when they have to be the caregivers 24/7 and I can't imagine all they have to go through when someone is at the end. Anyway, of course this is weighing heavily on my mind and how can it not. I wish I lived closer. At least I had a lot of time to say goodbye and tell her how much she means to me.

In other news, I was eating too much at the cabin on Satuday and Sunday and all Sunday night my stomach felt weird. So woke up on Monday morning with the tummy flu and I have been living in the bathroom for the past 2 days. The scale is going down rapidly but how can it not from not being able to eat much at all. All I could get down was a banana and piece of toast. So, feeling weak and having trouble getting all the things done I need to do. My son is starting school, he wants me to play with him, I have errands to do but what can you do if you can't get far? Arrgghhh. Hope it is over soon!!

I'll weigh in tomorrow and let you know the result. Could be a bunch of wt loss to due to water loss but I'll take it! I really would not like to lose it this way and I'll see if I can keep it off when the appetite comes back.

We had a pretty good weekend at the cabin though the weather was only about 70-75 degrees. We have had a cool summer compared to past summers. Here is a pic of my boy playing in the water. He's part fish I think as he spent a lot of time in the water and even tried being pulled behind the boat on a board and inner tube.

Hope you all are having a good week and I'll try to get to the blogs but not getting to very many this week!