Weigh in is all over the place

My weigh in is all over the place. First, I was down a pound, then got back on and it was up a pound. It is a cheap taylor scale that is digital. I think it's on the fritz and I'm ready to chuck it out the window. So, I will count my wt as a maintain this week and maybe look into a tanita scale or something.

What scale do you use? I almost want to go back to ww and just weigh with them and not have a scale at all. It feels detrimental to me and my mood depending on what the scale says on a given day. I do have another one by taylor too that has the big dial but it isn't accurate either cause if you stand on it 2 different ways you get 2 different readings. Arrgghhh! There is the option of weighing in at the gym with the 2 scales they have there.

Thanks for your comments about my friend Dawn and dealing with cancer. I'm having insomnia about just thinking what she will face as she gets sicker. I asked her what she wanted to do, if she wanted to take a trip down to the caribbean and she said no. She just wants to spend as much time as she can with her daughter and husband. I think that's what I would want too if I really wasn't sure how long I had left. My friend and I, Yvette, will go down to visit in July and I have it planned out already. Got frequent flyer miles and got a free hotel stay. I must have spent too much money the last 2 times I was down there but at least I won't have to shell out any for the hotel. It will be hotter than hades in July and be in the 100's! Dawn said if she was up to it we would go out on their boat and her hubby would take the day off to take us. We'll see. We decided not to stay with them as I'm not sure how she will be feeling and I don't want to burden her with having to make us meals, etc. My friend doesn't want to stay around the husband as there are ill feelings there as he has done some awful things. Cheating on her with a friend about 2 years ago. I have ill feelings too. But Dawn went back to him and he has tried his best to be a good father. There is lots more to this and let's just say she is way to good for him. Not sure why I'm bringing this up now. I have moved past it and we get along ok now. I have to for her sake.

In other news, I am exercising a lot and got in a 14 mile bike ride yesterday. I am having trouble with my left knee but the pain is gone today. My hubby says maybe I'm not fitted properly to the bike but hey it's just a mountain bike. I will try jogging today to see how my leg feels. I also will try yoga tomorrow if I have the time. I haven't been getting in the stretching component lately.

I'm reading a new book called "The Beck diet solution, train your brain to think like a thin person". It is interesting. The lady, Dr. Beck, is a cognitive therapist and it's all about dealing with your thought patterns. It doesn't have any specific diet to it. I like the approach so far. Here's what she says about 'which muscle are you strengthing'?

'you'll often find that I refer to two muscles: your resistance muscle and your giving-in muscle. I'm actually talking about your tendency to think and act in certain ways.
Every time you resist eating something you shouldn't, you're strenghtening your tendency to resist in the future. However, each time you give in and eat something you shouldn't, you're strengthening your tendency to give in.
So whenever you feel the urge to eat something you're not supposed to, think about which muscle you really want to strenghten. If you want to lose weight and keep it off permanently, you need to take every opportunity to strengthen your resistance muscle and to weaken your giving-in muscle.'

Well, kind of make sense. I was on track last year and felt like nothing could stop me and didn't give in very much. Once I started giving in to the fat foods, it seemed harder and harder to resist them. You also have to make a list of reasons 'why you want to lose weight' and post it on a 3x5 card and refer to it daily. Also to post reminder notes to look at it. She thinks if you do this, you won't stray when you are tempted. It's worth a try! Other things are common sense like eat sitting down, give your self credit (stay positive not conc. on your negatives), eat slowly, find a diet coach. I haven't gotten to the part about overcoming cravings and overeating so I will let you know what I think of the rest of the book. It helps me to get my head right and not think about my next meal! Ha!

I hope you all are having a good week. We are finally having 70's and some 80's degree weather so it's great.

a heavy heart about my friend

I have a heavy heart that last few days. Earlier in the week my friend I wrote about before, Dawn, that I visited in Vegas recently, well her health is declining. The cancer has spread to her liver and it's worse than we thought. She has 10 spots and doctor says 6 months to live. God, how do you take news like that? I did know that cancer would kill her but I thought she would fight it for many more years. She has been fighting it for 3 1/2 years now. She has decided not to fight with chemo anymore as it is doing no good. She has an agressive cancer. I haven't given up all hope but I guess there isn't much hope except for a miracle. I support her decision to not do any more treatment and just live what time she has left with the best quality of life she can and to spend time with her daughter and husband. It's unfair, as she is in just 42. Life sucks. I know there is no answer. I'm sad for her and her family and sad that we won't be able to do things together that we wanted to. She always wanted to rent a house in the caribbean with me when we got older. It won't happen. I really don't know what to do. I think an old good friend, Yvette, will go with me to visit again in early July. I couldn't stand not seeing her again as this could be the last time. I told some of our friends what is happening with her and I hope she won't get upset with me but I felt I had to. I also get the 'life sucks' attitude because she's had a lot of tragedy in her life and I wonder why? Why her? Her older sister died when dawn was a child and her mother died about 13 years ago from cancer. I just get mad, then sad about everything.

I just need to get that off my chest as I have been crying on and off. I did have a good weekend away with my family at my dad's cabin and the weather was ok. I have friends I can lean on and I will. I just want to be the best friend I can to Dawn. She is my best friend even though we are far apart. The only one I could tell everything too. That will be so hard to see her go. Really good friends are hard to come by. You know? I have a lot of regular friends but it's really hard to find a good, close friend. It's hard to let someone in and be close to them. I'm glad I could be that friend for Dawn. I hope I can be there for her daughter sometime if she needs me. She is 10 now. She will have her father and grandma but I think it's important for her child to see her family (up her in Washington and Idaho) and maybe someday hear about her mom from me and all we experienced together. I hope her father will let her spend time with dawn's side of the family. He has a tendency to be selfish and all about making money and I'm worried how she'll be raised without dawn's influence. Dawn is worried too.

Anyway, I'll check out your blogs soon and I am going to exercise a lot like last week. I'm going for 5 times a week. Have a good week everyone.

One of the many bike paths

They don't call Washington the evergreen state for nothing! I went bike riding yesterday out by a town called Orting. There was a smaller town called Mcmillan that I was riding through. I brought my camera and took these shots of the area. It is a pretty area and lots of little farms selling fresh produce and flowers and xmas trees in the winter. Or in the fall it will be filled with pumpkin patches. I rode the trail for 12 miles as that's the distance I will need to ride in the tri race. It is pretty flat land so I will have to find another spot to practice some hill climbing as I know Seattle will have some of those. I have been biking quite a bit and am going to increase my number of rides per week.

What I do hate is worrying about which trail to do. There is a really nice one about 6 miles from this area but it goes into lots of wooded areas and don't feel totally safe riding by myself. I will go there when my husband and son can go too. There are some serious bikers out there with all the racing clothes and racing bikes, like my hubby has. And, then there are some regular ole folks like me, young and old. Now, that we have been having days in the 60-70's it is nice to get outside but hard to get into the gym. I did go to the gym today and got back into weight lifting and did some walking outside so that felt good.

Share where you go in your daily life if you have the time. I'm interested to see where you live, what the area looks like!

Have a good memorial day weekend if you celebrate it and thanks for commenting. It helps.

Weigh in and how do you handle negative comments

Weigh in for today is.....down a pound!!! Woohooo! I'm not disappointed that it is going slow as I haven't been overly stringent with my diet. My digital scale that I am using only measures in 1/2 pound increments which is fine but I feel my scale varies sometimes hour to hour. So, not sure what I will do about that. The gym does have a doctor's scale so I will think about that. So, the hard stuff. The real wt numbers when I re-started this wt loss a few weeks ago.
4/25....218 pounds
5/2......217
5/9......217
5/16....216.5
5/23....215.5

It's hard to put the real numbers up but I think but important to keep me accountable. Ok, and I will change my side bar to reflect that. I had a goal to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks so I will put that on the side too. The end of the 10 weeks will by July 4 so that will be a celebration day in more ways than one. It is going down but slowly so I need to concentrate on that. And I am increasing my exercise lately so I think the wt loss will continue and I hope accelerate.

Ok, what I wanted to talk about it how do you handle any negative or what you take as negative, comments about your wt loss journey. I've had some such as 'lose some more' or just 'move more eat less' or people in blogland saying 'I wonder if she can keep it off''. I mean, I know most people are very nice and want the best for me but once in a while a comments will get under your skin. Like, if they think I can't maintain, I start thinking 'if they don't think I can keep it off, why do I?' And I then had a major backslide in my journey. I mean it was just one component in why I did the backslide. It doesn't make friggen sense. I have tried to develop a thick skin about wt comments but it is hard. I think most of us that are a good deal overweight are very sensitive about it. And it is on my mind constantly as I see thin people around. For instance, when I was in the running store I'm thinking, on one hand I want to be fit and wear the cute running clothes and on the other hand I'm thinking 'who am I fooling, I'm a big ole bull in the china shop' around all these fit people. The sales lady was talking to my husband and saying 'you look like a triathalete' to him and was laying the compliments on thick. I was just thinking 'just shut up, and show me some shoes'. I looked at some clothes, bras, and shoes. I know I prob. can't fit into their clothes so I was thinking, well I can buy bras or shoes. I was there for the shoes anyway. I felt like I didn't belong there. I just push that thinking aside as I am on my way to a fitter body. How do you handle any comments about your weight? Or any feelings that come up in different situations? I try to be positive and turn my thinking around and sometimes it works.

What was good at the running store was that I did a foot/running test where they see what kind of arch you have in your foot and watch you run on a treadmill. They then use this data to fit you in the best shoe possible so that was cool.

Hope everyone is having a good week!

On with the training

I'm moving forward on my training for the Danskin tri this August. Got my bike some new road tires as the mountain bike ones were harder to ride on. Got some new running shoes by Saucony that I think fit my foot better than the Asics. The Asics Kayano are awesome but I'm gonna try these new brand ones. So, started the running again and I am doing some awesome bike trails through the country and today will do one by the Tacoma waterfront. I haven't started back to swimming lately but I will soon! As I was in this running store, I started to have hope/maybe excitement that someday I will get into that cute little running wear and really become a active person for good!

I am getting nervous about this race and may do a swim or race clinic in June or July. I really want to see the race course in Seattle and how many hills and have a chance to swim in Lake Washington. I know that swimming in a pool is way different than the open water/or the lake. The darker water, the weeds, etc. My girlfriend, Kathy, will do the race with me but she lives over an hour or more a way from me and is doing her own training. She is working on her swimming at the moment as that is her weak area. She is an awesome biker and I think she can run some too. I need work in mostly the running as I can't run 3 miles yet. I can walk forever so that is an option! But, it would be nice to jog all of it so I have some time to increase my ability in this area. I call it sweaty torture! Cause I've always disliked running. But, on the other hand, it gets you sweating fast and you really do feel good after completing a run. So, maybe there is something to it.

One major problem I have is what to wear on race day. You don't have a lot of time in between legs of the race to change so I need to find some kind of a tri outfit that can go from the water to the bike. There are some tri, one or 2 piece outfits but hey, spandex in not my friend. Argghhhh. I'll find something. Also, being rather busty I need a good sports bra. Give me recommendations if you have the same problem! I now use Moving Comfort and it is ok. I may try the Enell that Oprah recommends but it is heavy duty and not sure if I have free range of motion in that one! My mom says is you increase your running and the rest, the weight will just melt off fast. I'm not too sure about that as I still have to monitor the food and that is always a struggle for me! I know that what to wear is a vanity issue but being overweight, you can't help but think of it. I'm kind of glad this is an all women's race!

We were up late last night as we went up to a track meet that my 14 yr old nephew was participating in and before he even got to the first hurdle, he was down! His knee gave out and had a big contusion on his head. So far it looks like his has a fracture in his tibula right below the knee. I don't know how he injured it as he does basketball too and was having some soreness. He is prob. still in the hospital as they may have to do surgery and put a pin in there. I'm worried about him as he just got over a wrist breaking in the winter and has had several injuries! Maybe it's time to quit sports for quite a while, but that will kill him as he loves it.

I went to a meeting on my radiology school last Friday and they tried to scare you off by talking the worst case scenario that could happen in the hospital. The 8 hours on your feet per day, the work in the ER sometimes, etc. etc. They can't scare me off, this has been a long haul to get into this school. I will find out in early June if I get in. There is a lot of competition but my grades are real good so we'll see! I'm nervous.

Ok, on with the day, got lots to do. Hope you all are having a good week! I will post tomorrow on my weigh in though it seems the scale is moving slow but it is moving downward.

Vegas pics and paying it forward

I Wanted to share some Vegas pictures. They are not that great as I didn't try for the perfect shots I just shot stuff as I walked around! Here's a picture of the Paris hotel from afar and pictures of the flamingo pool where I stayed (used to be a Hilton), and some shots of inside of caesar's/statues, people playing cards by the pool (of all things, geeze! take a break once in a while) and a pic of me and Dawn having happy hour at Margaritaville! Wish I could go back down today and repeat the whole weekend. HA!

Have you seen the movie, think it was called 'pay it forward'? Dawn and I were talking about how important it was to stay positive and how we should do good deeds for other people. So if someone needed some help or something, we would do the kind deed and hopefully they will in turn, be kind to someone else. First off, when we were just leaving the hotel room when I checked in. An older lady was running down the hall acting a little frantic. She said she couldn't find her family and didn't know which room they were in just that they were on the 28th floor. She had to pee bad and she wanted to use my bathroom. So, we let her though it felt weird as she was total stranger. Then, when we went to the elevators she just disappeared I suppose around a corner. Then, people at the pool wanted us to move our beach chairs. So, ok, we did to get them some sun time. We helped people with doors, took pictures, etc., etc. Just common courtesy stuff. I totally believe in karma and what goes around comes back around. If you do something nice for someone, sometime in the future something nice will happen to you. Maybe you think it's hokey but once I was in a job (about 5 yrs ago) I started that I hated and I was miserable and totally stressed. The boss was giving me crap and I was at wits end. That weekend I won a contest at a race track and picked the winning horse and then out of the hundreds of boxes of entries, I won a truck! So, since that day and going from really low one day and really high the next day, I think Karma works. Thinking postive can't hurt! I get tired of all the negativity in the world that's for sure.

I hope you all are having a good weekend and doing well on your healthy living plan!

Weigh in and recap of trip

Down 1/2 a pound! Wooohoooo!! Not much but better than nothing. So I'm happy with that as I was out of town and usually gain when I go to vegas. I didn't exercise like I wanted, except for some walking. I was going to go to the health center but it was $20. But in the morning I was hung over and wanted to just lay by the pool. And then after the pool I didn't feel like working out as we would be getting ready for dinner. Oh well! I did walk around the city some but it was like 95 degrees so that didn't last too long. I could have gotten up early and walked but that's kind of hard when I was out late every night!

I did do good on eating healthy when I was down there but the only problem is we drank quite a bit. We partied at the hotel and at Margaritaville. We also went to dinner on Mother's Day to Joe's seafood and steakhouse at Caeser's Palace. I ate fish as I thought that would be a better option than steak and it was awesome. Sole fish with asparagus and lobster sauce and a salad. We left the restaurant as most of the folks in my group are smokers! Not me! And we came back by the restaurant and I looked over at our table as it was in outdoor/mall area and in my seat was Dennis Rodman! He had on the big hoop earrings and his usual eclectic self. So, that's the only celeb siting for me. I walked back through Caeser's when everyone left and went by the Pussycat dolls lounge. Now they have an outdoor poker and other games playing area with the sexy-est women all dressed like trashy cops. Also, the girls dancing in cages. I had to stop to look and it is all geared for the men. A wonder they can keep their eyes on the cards but I suppose that is what the casino wants. I also stopped to check out all the workers/model types dressed out in caeser outfits. Oh, the bodies down there. But, being a woman, I can't help thinking 'are these women really happy flaunting their bodies in scantily dressed clothes??' Maybe they are or maybe it's just about the money!

Dawn and I had lots of time to talk about life and about her cancer. She is handling it well but somedays she say she isn't. I'm the one that was the doing the crying not her. She told me she is not looking a year out in the future but just the summer. That made me cry. She told me she doesn't expect to live to 50. She is 42 now. Ahhhhhh. But, in general, I did a good job of cheering her up and just having some fun. We didn't get too wild though I did get a little drunk but I didn't do anything embarrasing! Thank goodness. I was up for some dancing but we settled for listening to a band that was playing outdoors by Harrah's casino. I'm trying to talk my ladies group into going down there, maybe in September to visit again as I know she would like that.

I will post some pictures in a day or two of vegas but I had the old camera not the digital so need to get them developed. What a hassle! I get so used the digital camera but my hubby had it. They just got back from Oklahoma and had pretty good time visiting his father. I did win some in vegas but it was gone by the time I got out of there, oh well! I did score some Maui Jim sunglasses that was the promotion/gift that they gave me and some free hotel nights so that was neat. I am tired today even though I got a lot of sleep last night. I probably averaged about 5 to 6 hours sleep in vegas. I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation! HA!

Hope you all are doing well out in blogland and I'll be checking out your blogs here soon! I'm going to the gym and am motivated to get this flab off! Especially after seeing all the hot bodies in vegas. Maybe I can't have that hot body but I know it can be a heck of a lot better than now. They have all those lovely mirrors in the bathroom and everywhere in vegas so you can't help but notice your own flab. Arrggghhh. My dream is for people to say "she looks good" not just "she looks good for her age". Ha! But I know that improving my health is the most important thing, right?

Off for a few days

I'm off for a few days to visit Dawn in Vegas! Wooohooo! I've also been having fun with friends lately as my family is out of town. I went walking in West Seattle/Alki beach and then to dinner on Thursday and today I met an old friend/co-worker for lunch and shopping. I'm all talked out. Really looking forward to tomorrow as we are going to have a good time at Margaritaville!! Watch out Vegas. Got the low cut top, the outfit and we are drinking. My friend wants to have a good time so who am I to say no? I'm also psyched that it will be in 90's degrees and I plan on getting some sun time!

We actually have been having pretty good weather here so I've been out and about and haven't been home much. Think it was about 70 the other day. That's good for up here. I forget how I hate to sleep in this house by myself! Not used to it so haven't been sleeping well. The good news is I've been exercising and the scale is down 2 pounds today! I know, I should weigh in so often and the weekend I'll prob. just put it back on! Ha!

So I will catch up with you all next Wednesday for my weigh in and show you some pictures. Have a great weekend!

No weight change

Nope, no weight change this week. Exactly the same. I have been yo-yoing up and down a pound or 2 all week. And it's the t.o.m., so I'm bloated so I usually retain water. We'll see if I can hold my wt steady until next week as Vegas will be challenging. I have a tendency to drink and eat too much there. I'm hoping it will be different this time as I will counteract with a lot of working out and walking. That's the plan anyway.

I am working out a few times a week but will try to be consistant with 4-5 times a week. Today I was feeling negative about some crap in my life and just one of those days when things aren't going your way and I took it out through exercise. Did some jogging and was surprised to see my heart rate jump from 125 bpm all the way up to 155-165 bpm. So, I slowed down some. No use punishing myself. But I feel I need to push myself to be able to be in the right condition for this triathalon. Maybe I'm pushing too much though and it was hard and I was beet red, I felt good after an hour of cardio and 1/2 hr. of some weight lifting. My knees are a little dodgy as I tried squats and lunges so think I need to watch that when I do jogging too. Maybe I'm stressing them too much.

I started reading that book I was talking about 'You can heal your life' by Louise Hay. So far, I've liked some things and other things I thought were hokey or maybe too new-agey. Here's one part I kinda liked:

"Overweight is another good example of how we can waste a lot of energy trying to correct a problem that is not the real problem. People often spend years and years fighting fat and are still overweight. They blame all their problems on being overweight. The excess weight is only an outer effect of a deep inner problem. To me, it is always fear and a need for protection. When we feel frightened or insecure or "not good enough", many of us will put on extra weight for protection."

"To spend our time berating ourselves for being too heavy, to feel guilty about every bite of food we eat, to do all the numbers we do on ourselves when we gain weight, is just a waste of time. Twenty years later we can still be in the same situation because we have not even begun to deal with the real problem. All that we have done is to make ourselves more frightened and insecure, and then we need more weight for protection."

She goes on to say that she doesn't focus on weight or diets, just dieting from the negative thoughts. She explains to people that say they are too fat that they don't love themselves. She says that when we love and approve of ourselves, that it's amazing that the weight just disappears from our bodies.

I guess I agree to some point but I don't think that we don't love ourselves. I know that a lot of overweight people have issues, I being one of them. But to say you really don't love yourself might be going to far. There is a lot of other stuff about thinking positive (reminds my of The Secret) and that we can control our minds, what we think. The hokey parts to me, so far, are not really the affirmation and statements you make to yourself about 'willing to change' into a mirror but that you should touch the center of yourself which is your throat. I'm like, 'whatttttttt??' So, maybe I'll get some stuff from this book that I will apply to treating/getting rid of this fat and other things I'll not use.

Ok, gotta go, this got a lot longer than I thought! I need to pack stuff for my son to take on his trip to go see his Grandpa. Freedom is around the corner! I have a day out in Seattle planned to just do my own thing and going to get in a lot of walking tomorrow. Get to see the girlfriends to walk at dinner time too. yeah!

Hope you are all having a good week. Are you reading any inspirational books?

this and that

Just been busy lately and haven't felt like I've got much to say. Well, I always have something to say.

The play 'Edward Scissorhands' was interesting last weekend. It was unusual for a play in that is was dancing only. Usually our plays are singing plays. But, it was interesting and when I did get bored I just had to look at the lead guy playing edward and admire his strong, firm, gluteal muscles! HA! My sister didn't like the play at all. Afterwards we went to a nice restaurant called palomino and I made a good choice with of a salad with chicken on it. It wasn't what I really wanted as they have amazing food there but it was really good and had pecans and fruit in it and the dressing tasted kind of like maple.

Yesterday, was about 70 degrees out which in unusual around here so I took my son down by the ocean in Tacoma and we just goofed around and looked from crabs under the rocks and had a lunch outside. I meant to take a picture of the area and post it but I forgot! I promise some good pics of Vegas this time and plan on walking around the city and enjoy the sites. I have a plan to do a lot of walking and also work out at the gym at the hotel. Even though they charge a fee it will be worth it. I also plan on getting a lot of sun time! Yes!

As far as the diet and exercise it is going ok. I'm am doing it 1/2 assed lately and seem to be staying the same weight this week. I'll see what tomorrow's weigh in says. I have a long walk planned for Thursday with my ladies group and was going to do a long bike ride up around Lake Washington in Seattle but my bike will still be in the shop as I'm getting it tuned up and smaller road tires on it. I have the big mountain bike tires on it and want the smaller ones on it to make it a little easier to ride. I also have some triathalon training and seminars coming up to help me with my training for the Danskin.

My wt loss goals for the year are: to lose 50 pounds this year by next May 1. I know I can do it! The short term goal is to lose 20 pounds by the tri which is August 19. I don't know if I can meet that but will try hard. I need more wt off by then to make this race easier.

Tell me your goals out there in blog land or tell me your struggles with losing weight long term, self image issues, etc. I challenge you to get real and dig deep in your blogging! I want more than just what you ate and what exercise you did. I want to see in to what you think everyday about yourself, your life, etc. Well, if you want to anyway. Have a great week!

cancer puts things into perspective

Thanks for the comments yesterday. I have days when I'm down about things and then the next it is good. I think it's just a part a life, the ups and downs. Generally, I feel pretty good about my life and even the past, I've moved on and forgiven and try to forget the past and some bad times we went through. I really haven't shared all the pain and trials we went through. But it is best to look to the future, we have so much to look forward to together.

My friend, Dawn, called me yesterday and it really helped me put perspective on things. To quit thinking about all the crap in my life and in my mind. I sent her a really heartfelt letter about how I felt about her and afraid to lose her to cancer and sent her this little book called 'friends are like sisters'. She was calling me to thank me and we talked for a while about me coming down there in a week and then she drops her bombshell. All this double dose of chemo she is doing is not helping the cancer or shrinking it. She actually got news that there is a new spot on her liver. This is bad, really bad. She will get more tests, an ultrasound, a cat scan and then maybe some radiation to the spot. I know she is depressed about this, how can you not be. It is weird but as I started to feel stressed about what she was saying, I was thinking, 'I need to eat something'. God, I really need to deal with this stress = food connection. I mean it puts perspective on my life too. She is fighting for her life!!! I'm just fighting my fat!!!

The good news if there is any is she is off her chemo for now and is looking forward to me visiting and feeling ok. We will go to Margaritaville/Jimmy Buffett's place for drinks and dinner and maybe she will invite another lady too. And then we will hang by the pool on a different day. I would love to go to a comedy club but don't know if we'll fit that in. I can tell she's looking forward to it and hasn't had much fun in her life lately. I just have to be there for her and listen. There really is no advice to give. She tells me of a new herbal remedy made from tumeric and how her sister sent her a bottle cause it cured some guys cancer her sister knows. A guy that is fighting pancreatic cancer which is a nasty one and that is still alive and credits this herb. She will try this but it sounds like you need high doses of it so we'll see how that goes. It does have side effects like blood thinning and can make you feel nautious. I know she wants hope so she will try it. I said run it by the doctor. Especially since she may have radiation in the near future.

Anyway, not that this is of interest you, me talking about cancer. But, writing this down and all my other thoughts really does help me. Sometimes, I feel I put down on paper what others would not do. It's too personal. I mean this is supposed to be a wt loss blog but I can't just keep it to that though that is usually the focus. And our own blogs are just that. Our blogs! A place where we can let it loose. It seems easier than a journal and a side benefit is all the bloggers I get to meet. Thanks for being there!

I hope you are all having a good weekend. I'm off to a play called 'Edward Scissorhands' today. I saw the movie years ago and interested to see how that will be translated into a singing play.

My triathlete man

Today, I feel like talking about my triathlete man, my husband. First off, I want to say that I am proud of him for getting into living really healthy and getting into biking and triathalons. But, on the flip side, there is a lot of stuff that I have to deal with about this aspect of our relationship.

He got into biking about a year and 4 months ago. He bought a bike and started biking to work. It's like 22 miles each way! He'll get up early and either ride the train/and ride the bike or so for the whole way. He gets up real early and bikes to and from work. Now, this year it's morphed into biking or on other days running part of the way and then riding the train. This training takes a lot of time and some time on weekends. I like it that he is healthy and doing something he enjoys. It's just that it become all consuming to him. The importance of all the training. The buying new bikes and bike parts. The guilt if he doesn't train. Wanting to talk all the time about these things. I try to be supportive, I really do. But, if you are not into bikes it gets old after a while. I'm happy that he's into something healthy. A couple years ago he was at another job and it was all about drinking with the boys and girls to my chagrin! We went to couples therapy a few year ago to deal with a slew of things and it is a lot better.

Now, my issue with myself is my weight. When he was drinking, the comment did come about my weight and how much I've gained. I know he is unhappy about this and this is the only time he's vocalized it. It was heart wrenching to hear it from him. Like my own body insecurites if not enough. I'm tearing up now just thinking about that moment. (it was like 2 years ago but is still fresh in my mind and also when we were at a low point in the marriage.) He is supportive of me and encourages me to train for this danskin triathalon that I am doing. But, I know that he secretly hopes I will become a triathlete like him. I tell him no! This is just a one time thing for me, as far as I know. To do the danskin race for the cure for cancer and to challenge myself. We joke when I went to some of his races last year and all the beautiful bodies. The ugly green monster, jealousy, would rear it's ugly head when he would jokingly admire some of the fit women. I know it's human nature to admire nice bodies, especially for men. But, it feels like some club he belongs to that I don't. He has biking buddies, sometimes a bike club he will ride with. Sometimes we've ran into women that know him from the club or from riding on the bike trail daily and that brings the ugly green monster into my heart. I'm secretly afraid he will leave me for some uberfit woman. You know some days, I'm riding high, I know he loves me and on other days, my insecurties about my body are full force. Especially with him being so superfit.

The insecurities that maybe you are not what your partner wants. You are not all that you can be. Of course, we've stood the test of time. We will have been married 16 years this summer. That's something though we've had good and rocky times like all marriages. But, it is probably hard to marry one person, a thin person and then see them blimp up and beat themself up about it.

One of the ways that I deal with this is trying to spend time doing bike rides with him. He pulls our son on the 1/2 bike and I ride my mountain bike. We will start this soon as the weather is getting better and after he gets his other bike fixed. It is really important to do spend some quality time together being healthy. Another way is it is easy to eat healthy when he is around. He wants no trans fats in his food and generally follows a healthy diet. I almost have to sneak a food if I want something fattening or I get the look. And he doesn't drink, for like a year or more now. Which is a good thing.

I know, that maybe you out there in blogland can't really give me advice on this subject if U are not going through it but it helps just knowing that others deal with body insecurties too. It's amazing that I will share this with blogland and not with some of my dearest friends. I think I treat this more like my private journal but in a public way which is strange to say the least. Maybe I share too much, make it too real and I hope that's not detrimental to me.

I hope you all are having a good weekend!!!

P.s. (check out my last post about the cancer tv special on this weekend!)

P.s.s. Honey, if you do read my blog, know that I love you very much.

Cancer TV Show

I was going to write a post about insecurities about living with a superfit man, ha! But I will save that for another day. I just posted yesterday, I'm a blogging fool lately.

I wanted to share that a special show on cancer is coming on tv on Sunday. It's On Sunday, May 6, at 8 p.m. EDT, Discovery Channel will air a three-hour special of "Koppel on Discovery" dedicated to the discussion of living with cancer. If you have any loved one dealing with cancer (I have 2), then this will be a very good show to watch! I clicked on the few video clips they had and it is just heart breaking what they have to go through. Maybe it really will give me a better understanding about what my friend, Dawn, is going through.

Looking forward to next week

Ha! Cute joke. I'm hating my buddha belly lately. It is bigger than a few months ago. It seems after having a baby c-section, I got this awful little buddha belly and I hate it!! Not a beer belly but still.....It's my driving force lately to get thinner. Lose the buddha!!! But, even though I had a little loss this week, it is something. Usually, when I get back to serious dieting and fitness I can lose like 3 lbs in the first week and that will give me inspiration/motivation. But, I haven't been totally clean with my eating so that didn't happen. I'm still craving some of the crap. So, I need to work on that! Thanks for all your comments about the wt loss. I'm feeling hopeful again.

I picked up the the book 'You can heal your life' by Louise Hay that someone recommended. Looks like a book that will take a lot of time to read and then to work out the exercises. I'm hoping it can help me deal with emotional eating/being overweight and some other issues that I need to work on. I was preusing the book "mindless eating" and it seemed very interesting. Has anyone read this one? Maybe I'll see if I can find it at the local library.

I'm looking forward to next week. I get some free time when my hubby and son go to Oklahoma in a week and then I will be off to vegas to visit my friend Dawn. I'm hoping she is off of her chemo or at least feeling pretty good so then I can cheer her up and take her out for some fun or just sitting by the pool. I would really love to work out or go walking with her but she has had no energy during her treatment so we'll see. Looks like sun down there so I'm psyched! And wondering what I'll do with all my free time. You know when you have a child you get very little free time. It's always another's needs before your own so when you get some free time, I'm thinking what is it the heck that I like to do!!! So far what's come to mind, is go on a long bike ride as I need to work on my training for the tri. Maybe go see a movie like spiderman or kind of want to see 'lucky you' (I think it's called) or 'premonition' look interesting. Or get a pedicure, gotta have one for vegas! And read an entire book that I never have time to do! Or visit a friend that is going through a divorce and just moved out. You can tell I'm excited at the prospects.

Hope everyone is having a good week on your own living healthy plans.

Down a pound!!!

Down a pound!!! Woohooo!!! It's been a long time since I could say I lost some weight I'm determined to work out today and keep on trying to make the healthy food choices.

I'm feeling better about things today. Yesterday, I was tired and feeling melancholy and thinking of the path not taken. But, I would never trade my marriage or having my son! There is nothing like them. I think it's just because I'm at a stalled point right now. I'm not in school till the fall and have too much time to think! I'm looking for a part time job but I want one at night so we don't have to get daycare. There is no secretarial jobs at night so maybe i'll end up working at a grocery store or something. I could use a little income.

Yeah, maybe when I get older and retire there will be more of a chance to travel and study marine life. When we were young, we traveled some with scuba and had a lot of fun. We waited 10 yrs to have a child and it was like our early retirement. Not really, cause we were working. We used to say when we lived in Maui, 'look at all the retirees on the beach'. It sucks that now you can enjoy life when you're retired and old and who knows how much time you have left to live. Wouldn't it be awesome to retire when your young and do the traveling and really enjoy your time and then work later when your older! Can only dream.

Hope everyone is having a good week!!

Orcas

Orcas, Orcas, everywhere! I don't know what this means but I'm seeeing and hearing about Orca whales everywhere. Maybe it's because I feel like one at times?

First, I bought a wooden orcas/wind toy at the fair last week. My mother lives on Whidbey Island and they get a lot of wind so she likes those things you put up that move in the wind. Then my son got an orca toy, then I saw something about them on tv. Lastly, but not least, there is a man that goes to the gym, think he works there and he is a man with down's syndrome. I haven't talked to him before but saw him interact with the homeschool kids that have PE at the gym and the other day he was outside. He said to me "I'm going to see the Orcas!" "I'm going to Oregon and get to stay overnight!" "I'm going to see the Orcas and other stuff!" He was so excited so I stopped and talked for him a bit and said I had seen some humpback whales in Hawaii and other types of whale and that it was exiting. I continue on, still hearing him talk about the Orcas. What does this mean? Should I go look at Orcas? They are up and around Whidbey and the San Juans and used to see them from time to time when I would go out on my dad's fishing boat. They kind of freak you out a little if they come by the boat. Maybe I've seen too many movies about whales going under boats. Or, maybe this means I need to spend more time in the Sea or scuba diving. It's something I miss a lot and life seems a little dimmer without this hobby in my life.

Not really thinking about regrets, just life paths. I think, if I were a man in this life I would have been a person studying sea life or traveling the world teaching scuba diving or trying to make a life by taking picture undersea photos. Or even working on a research vessel (in calmer waters!). I definitely have or did have the wanderlust to travel and just keep traveling when I was younger. I still have it inside but I quelled that to settle down and work on the marriage and have a family. But, sometimes I get that gnawing feeling and I want to get out and see new things. But I quell it, I have responsibilities. I don't know, when I got into scuba we already were married and it is harder for a woman to go it alone in scuba and travel. There is so many things you need to worry about and number one is safety. Not that I wouldn't travel alone. I have gone on a scuba vacation on my own when my hubby couldn't go. Though it's not my favorite thing to do alone and is harder at times, it is really neat to meet new people from other parts of the world. To stay at a local place and not an upscale resort and really get to know the people. That is awesome! The problem with trying to make a living in the scuba field is it is hard to make money. That is one of the reason we got out of it. Sometimes, I wish I had asked a bank or my dad for some $ backing and opened up a scuba store and taught as a couple. We never did do that much and that was the dream. We did teach a little bit together in Hawaii but it was more if he got busy I would take the people out in the ocean to finish up the open water dives. I guess I'm feeling a little out of sorts today and thinking about all the things I still want to do in this life.

In other news, I'm still exercising but haven't cured my cravings for the fat food! Just making some wrong choices, not a lot of food just not the best food for me. So, that's the order of the day, eating healthy.

I was at the book store the other day and read a bit more from the "best life" book by Bob Greene. The third tough question to ask yourself (that I couldn't remember, see post about wt loss books) is 'why haven't I been able to maintain my weight loss'. I'm not really thinking about now at this point, though I haven't gained it all back but other times in my life. I've gotten down to 160's, 170's and then blimp up again. Especially after having my son. It is something I need to think about more. Why am I holding myself back? It's not the food it's something inside, feeling I'm not dealing with or what? Not sure. Do you know your reason if this is a concern for you?? I really don't think it's as simple as liking food. It's not the reason for me. Yeah, it could be the former alcoholic dad. The not getting enough attention when I was young. The people who hurt me over the years. But, you know, it's time to put that aside and deal with the weight once and for all. I'm the one in control of my body, well at least I hope so. Ha ha!

Have a great week!

UPDATE: It's my 1 year wt watchers anniversary!! One year of trying to live healthy. Was down -48 but now it's more like -30. I really didn't do wt watchers much since January but maybe in the future. Oh well, I hope to have a good year and next May 1 be at the healthy weight I want to be!!