Friday, May 04, 2007
My triathlete man
Today, I feel like talking about my triathlete man, my husband. First off, I want to say that I am proud of him for getting into living really healthy and getting into biking and triathalons. But, on the flip side, there is a lot of stuff that I have to deal with about this aspect of our relationship.
He got into biking about a year and 4 months ago. He bought a bike and started biking to work. It's like 22 miles each way! He'll get up early and either ride the train/and ride the bike or so for the whole way. He gets up real early and bikes to and from work. Now, this year it's morphed into biking or on other days running part of the way and then riding the train. This training takes a lot of time and some time on weekends. I like it that he is healthy and doing something he enjoys. It's just that it become all consuming to him. The importance of all the training. The buying new bikes and bike parts. The guilt if he doesn't train. Wanting to talk all the time about these things. I try to be supportive, I really do. But, if you are not into bikes it gets old after a while. I'm happy that he's into something healthy. A couple years ago he was at another job and it was all about drinking with the boys and girls to my chagrin! We went to couples therapy a few year ago to deal with a slew of things and it is a lot better.
Now, my issue with myself is my weight. When he was drinking, the comment did come about my weight and how much I've gained. I know he is unhappy about this and this is the only time he's vocalized it. It was heart wrenching to hear it from him. Like my own body insecurites if not enough. I'm tearing up now just thinking about that moment. (it was like 2 years ago but is still fresh in my mind and also when we were at a low point in the marriage.) He is supportive of me and encourages me to train for this danskin triathalon that I am doing. But, I know that he secretly hopes I will become a triathlete like him. I tell him no! This is just a one time thing for me, as far as I know. To do the danskin race for the cure for cancer and to challenge myself. We joke when I went to some of his races last year and all the beautiful bodies. The ugly green monster, jealousy, would rear it's ugly head when he would jokingly admire some of the fit women. I know it's human nature to admire nice bodies, especially for men. But, it feels like some club he belongs to that I don't. He has biking buddies, sometimes a bike club he will ride with. Sometimes we've ran into women that know him from the club or from riding on the bike trail daily and that brings the ugly green monster into my heart. I'm secretly afraid he will leave me for some uberfit woman. You know some days, I'm riding high, I know he loves me and on other days, my insecurties about my body are full force. Especially with him being so superfit.
The insecurities that maybe you are not what your partner wants. You are not all that you can be. Of course, we've stood the test of time. We will have been married 16 years this summer. That's something though we've had good and rocky times like all marriages. But, it is probably hard to marry one person, a thin person and then see them blimp up and beat themself up about it.
One of the ways that I deal with this is trying to spend time doing bike rides with him. He pulls our son on the 1/2 bike and I ride my mountain bike. We will start this soon as the weather is getting better and after he gets his other bike fixed. It is really important to do spend some quality time together being healthy. Another way is it is easy to eat healthy when he is around. He wants no trans fats in his food and generally follows a healthy diet. I almost have to sneak a food if I want something fattening or I get the look. And he doesn't drink, for like a year or more now. Which is a good thing.
I know, that maybe you out there in blogland can't really give me advice on this subject if U are not going through it but it helps just knowing that others deal with body insecurties too. It's amazing that I will share this with blogland and not with some of my dearest friends. I think I treat this more like my private journal but in a public way which is strange to say the least. Maybe I share too much, make it too real and I hope that's not detrimental to me.
I hope you all are having a good weekend!!!
P.s. (check out my last post about the cancer tv special on this weekend!)
P.s.s. Honey, if you do read my blog, know that I love you very much.