Friday, May 04, 2007

My triathlete man

SmileyCentral.com

Today, I feel like talking about my triathlete man, my husband. First off, I want to say that I am proud of him for getting into living really healthy and getting into biking and triathalons. But, on the flip side, there is a lot of stuff that I have to deal with about this aspect of our relationship.

He got into biking about a year and 4 months ago. He bought a bike and started biking to work. It's like 22 miles each way! He'll get up early and either ride the train/and ride the bike or so for the whole way. He gets up real early and bikes to and from work. Now, this year it's morphed into biking or on other days running part of the way and then riding the train. This training takes a lot of time and some time on weekends. I like it that he is healthy and doing something he enjoys. It's just that it become all consuming to him. The importance of all the training. The buying new bikes and bike parts. The guilt if he doesn't train. Wanting to talk all the time about these things. I try to be supportive, I really do. But, if you are not into bikes it gets old after a while. I'm happy that he's into something healthy. A couple years ago he was at another job and it was all about drinking with the boys and girls to my chagrin! We went to couples therapy a few year ago to deal with a slew of things and it is a lot better.

Now, my issue with myself is my weight. When he was drinking, the comment did come about my weight and how much I've gained. I know he is unhappy about this and this is the only time he's vocalized it. It was heart wrenching to hear it from him. Like my own body insecurites if not enough. I'm tearing up now just thinking about that moment. (it was like 2 years ago but is still fresh in my mind and also when we were at a low point in the marriage.) He is supportive of me and encourages me to train for this danskin triathalon that I am doing. But, I know that he secretly hopes I will become a triathlete like him. I tell him no! This is just a one time thing for me, as far as I know. To do the danskin race for the cure for cancer and to challenge myself. We joke when I went to some of his races last year and all the beautiful bodies. The ugly green monster, jealousy, would rear it's ugly head when he would jokingly admire some of the fit women. I know it's human nature to admire nice bodies, especially for men. But, it feels like some club he belongs to that I don't. He has biking buddies, sometimes a bike club he will ride with. Sometimes we've ran into women that know him from the club or from riding on the bike trail daily and that brings the ugly green monster into my heart. I'm secretly afraid he will leave me for some uberfit woman. You know some days, I'm riding high, I know he loves me and on other days, my insecurties about my body are full force. Especially with him being so superfit.

The insecurities that maybe you are not what your partner wants. You are not all that you can be. Of course, we've stood the test of time. We will have been married 16 years this summer. That's something though we've had good and rocky times like all marriages. But, it is probably hard to marry one person, a thin person and then see them blimp up and beat themself up about it.

One of the ways that I deal with this is trying to spend time doing bike rides with him. He pulls our son on the 1/2 bike and I ride my mountain bike. We will start this soon as the weather is getting better and after he gets his other bike fixed. It is really important to do spend some quality time together being healthy. Another way is it is easy to eat healthy when he is around. He wants no trans fats in his food and generally follows a healthy diet. I almost have to sneak a food if I want something fattening or I get the look. And he doesn't drink, for like a year or more now. Which is a good thing.

I know, that maybe you out there in blogland can't really give me advice on this subject if U are not going through it but it helps just knowing that others deal with body insecurties too. It's amazing that I will share this with blogland and not with some of my dearest friends. I think I treat this more like my private journal but in a public way which is strange to say the least. Maybe I share too much, make it too real and I hope that's not detrimental to me.

I hope you all are having a good weekend!!!

P.s. (check out my last post about the cancer tv special on this weekend!)

P.s.s. Honey, if you do read my blog, know that I love you very much.

6 comments:

Chris H said...

I can see where you are coming from... being insecure in your marriage cos of how you feel you look... I wondered for years why my husband stayed with me, I felt so fat and ugly... but obviously our husbands do love us eh? I think that is you husband really loves you he will accept you for who you are, extra pounds and all, and if those extra pounds are enough for him to go "elsewhere" then he is no loss. I am sure you are just overly sensitive about this and worrying about nothing! Chin up, you are a beautiful woman and so what if you have a few extra pounds right now? You CAN LOSE THEM, if you really really want to eh? Have a wonderful weekend.

Kim said...

I think I understand what you are feeling. I wish that I had something wonderful to say to make you feel better. But even when you get to your goal weight will the amount of time that this hobby of his takes away from the family be a problem for you? Maybe that is part of the insecurity? That he is investing time and energy into something that he is passionate about and you aren't. Your recent posts about how much you miss diving are what made me think of this. I don't know, just trying to look at from another direction.

Don't beat yourself up for being overweight. That is only going to make you feel badly and that isn't helping anything. You are working on getting the weight off and you are doing it the smart way. Focus on feeling good and doing it for you. You're going to make it to your goal. I know it.

Hilly said...

I can definitely relate to that insecurity part. My husband struggles with weight too so we are lucky not to judge each other that way. I think that doing things together is a great thing, but I worry that you do it only because you are scared of losing him. You are beautiful and worthy no matter what was said two years ago, so don't forget that!

San said...

hi Angel,

i do know how you feel. you are so far from being alone it's not funny.

we all have this going on at some time. for me it's against myself. my hubby has seen me thin now and he liked it better and he has also said that but i'm grateful that he didn't hurt me when we talked about it. i'm not sure i would have coped. i'm also glad that i was fat when we married, things can only get better!

i wish i had the words to ease your fears, if only it were that easy hey?? just focus on what you want and be true to yourself otherwise you will not please anyone. the second you start living your life for someone elses wishes is when you deprive yourself of being who and what you really are.

16 years is a long time to be married and to weather the storms together, i'm sure you'll be fine.

having said that, DON'T SNEAK FOOD! it's bad for you and there is nothing wrong with having some treats every now and then OR just being crazy sometimes. hell we all do it and there is certainly nothing wrong with it, as long as you keep your eye on the ball in general and just exercise more.

it's not the best advice but it's what is in my heart.

keep well and good loss by the way!!!
xx

Wanna_B_slim said...

Hey there Angel...
When I started reading I thought you were going to swing it all around into... he is obsessed with his bike/fitness etc... and in turn you are obsessed with weight etc...
As I read I could replace everything you were saying about his obsession with his bike and training... to my weight and dieting...
I wonder if he has days where is thinks the same about you... that you are constantly obsessed with how you look etc...
I know I am.. and I cant wait for the day that I am comfortable with myself again... and not hopping on the scales daily... and worrying about what i put in my mouth...
I hope I dont sound like I am being horrrible because that is not my intention at all... i hope you understand what I am on about...
if you dont plz email me...
Hugs Nannette

Briony said...

Life is hard enough without us putting extra pressure on ourselves. I'm the Queen of assuming what other people think and I really believe it's detrimental to my wellbeing on so many levels. You have to be true to yourself and BE yourself, if other people aren't happy with that it's their problem not yours. You are a beautiful person and obviously a fantastic friend and mother and you should be proud of that. So what if you're a few pounds heavier than you should be, you're working on that and you'll get there eventually, but in the meantime be happy with who you are and try to remind yourself every day of the great things in your life instead of dwelling on what might be. We're all here for you when you want to vent and (hopefully) giving some good advice to help you on your journey. I hope you're having a good week.
Bri