Sunday, October 28, 2007

How was your weekend

How was everyone's weekend? Mine is going pretty well. Went bowling Friday night with some friends up in Seattle. It's been a long time since I bowled and I was lucky to hit 100. Most of use weren't too good except for one of my friend's husband. We then went to a friends house nearby and checked out her condo all decked out for Halloween and had some appetizers. I refrained from the drinking as I was driving but I would have liked to but I did have a beer at the bowling alley. My friend makes a mean martini and I would have like to try it but it wasn't that important. It was good to see all the ladies show up (we have a group of 6) and this is the first time in a long time that everyone made it. My hubby was the only spouse/boyfriend that didn't go so I wasn't that happy about that but I wasn't going to force him. Ha, next time I will. It's usually the ladies only but once in a while we invite the husband/or boyfriends. It was also nice to share some sad times with them and some laughs too. It did me a world of good.

Saturday was spent studying and getting my hair it cut and some more blond in there so I guess I'm happy with it though it seems too short as I got quite a few inches off. Now I'm playing with my boy and we will go do something outside or go somewhere soon as the husband is having some time with one of his friends. I also have 4 tests to study for this week. It's the dreaded mid terms! I am just about ready for the one tomorrow but Wednesday's test is going to be a nightmare as it's a lot of new things about radiology and all the stuff we have been learning since the 1st day of class. I'm trying to get the time in studying but I have to spend some time with family too, so it's hard to find that balance.

I also have one more medical test this week, that echo test on the heart at the cardiac center. I hope it will be a quick test and then hopefully I'm done with going to doctors for now. I'm feeling pretty good but, of course, I need to clean up my diet and get the cholesterol down a little and keep tabs on my blood pressure as it seemed to be up a little each time I check it. We got to practice in our lab with stethoscopes and blood pressure cuffs and of course on the automatic pressure machine my pressure was the highest of our group of eight. Hated that and I just relaxed and took it later and it was lower. I think I get nervous when they put that cuff on or something, it's weird. I know I definitely do that at the doctor's, get the 'white coat syndrome' and the pressure shoots up. Maybe I don't want to hear bad news? I don't know it's strange.

Other news, I did do that letter to my friend the one I have been talking about. So that was good to get it done. I tried to be as honest as I could and I'm not sure how she will take it. But at least it's done with and somewhat out of my mind.

We are going to take our son out trick or treating this week with some friends and I just have to survive the testing week. I'm nervous for the lab mid term on Friday too as you get to pick a card at random and that's the xray's you take. So, I gotta know my stuff and how to use the xray equipment and how to line up/center patients and all the other things I need to know. The pressure is on, that's for sure. I find myself counting down the days till the Thanksgiving break in November.

Tell me all what you have done this weekend or looking forward to. Are you dressing up for Halloween? Maybe I'll get a witch hat or something as I'm tired of being the kitty cat. My son will be Spiderman and my hubby is going to be a white trash, buck toothed hillbilly I guess. He has these goofy glasses and big teeth and a mullet hair cut wig with the short hair in front and the long hair in back. I thought that he looked a tiny bit like 'Joe Dirt' if you've see that movie. I guess he's going to wear it to work, I hope other people dress up as last year he was about the only one.

There is a bright, bright spot on the distant horizon. My parents will have their 50th wedding anniversary next fall and we asked if they wanted a party but she says 'let's go on a cruise'! So it looks like the southern caribbean for December 08 xmas with sisters, parents, kids, spouses. Oh yeah, that's something that I will really like doing as never cruised on a boat that size. Now, I'm dreaming of scuba diving in the warm island waters. Ahhhh.... I wish it was this year but it will be nice to be with all my family. I was kind of hoping for land based vacation but this will fun to see what a cruise is like.

I was trying to re-arrange the top of my blog. Can you put more than one picture up on your blog on the top header thing? I guess I need to do some research, I'm not too good on the layout/design thing. I notice a lot of you change the look of your blog from time to time. That picture above is when we lived on Maui and that is my hubby walking toward the water, we were looking for a place to sit and this was our beach near our apartment in Kihei. I remember just going and laying in the sun and going swimming and snorkeling would just lift your spirits. There is no bad day at the beach. Wish I was there now!!

I almost wanted to go up to a Seattle bloggers meet and greet today to meet the infamous Dave from and others. He has a cool blog and like how he rants at the world and his sense of humor and especially all his travel reports. But, I'm not really in the popular bloggers group and life is just too darn busy these days so I will vicariously live through reading about other bloggers meeting each other. Wouldn't it be cool for all of us to meet? Ha, I know it darn well impossible as some of you are 1/2 the world away. Oh well.

Hope you are all well out there in blogland. Stop by and say hi, I like to hear from you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Wasting away again in Margaritaville

See I didn't stay away long....I planned to but I missed my blogging and the interaction with all of you.

Why 'Wasting away again in Margaritaville' as the title? Well, for those of you that have been reading my blog for a while it's in regards to my friend Dawn who I lost to cancer recently. This summer she talked to me of how she thought her sister (who died at 12) who she thought would tap on her shoulder and Dawn would look around and think, 'what was that'? Like a touch from beyond or something. So Dawn says to me, 'I can tap you on the shoulder after I'm gone' and you will know I'm there. I thought is might creep me out to feel a tap so I told her 'no, how about you play a Jimmy Buffet song for me'. Dawn was a big fan and everytime I got into her car she would have his cd on. And everytime I would visit most times I would stay at the Flamingo hotel which has Buffet's Margaritaville Restaurant in it. We would go there a lot of times to have a few drinks or dinner and just to talk and have some fun. There always seemed to be something going on there so it was kinda like our place. So anyway, in the past 2 weeks each time I was at 2 different grocery stores I hear the song 'Margaritaville' playing. It was unreal. Maybe just coincidence? Last time this guy next to me looking at the bread was whistling along with the song. I don't know, I took it as a sign that Dawn was looking down on me and saying 'hi' and thinking of me. Actually last time I heard it I just felt a sense of calm come over me and I felt happy and I just say 'hi' back up there to heaven. Sounds strange I know but I don't dismiss things that are a little different. I do believe in the afterlife and like to think of her happy and at peace now.

Well, I was thinking I need a break due to two things. One is my friend that has been reading my blog that I talked about a few posts back. Well, she has been reading and sending me emails. Last one was a critique of my emotional eating entry. She was suggesting what I should write about on my blog and basically telling me that giving up on losing weight is not an option. I didn't say I was doing that anyway. Let's just say I didn't handle it well and I fired back an email. And let me tell you, don't write an email when you are mad. It came out a little too harsh and I think I hurt her feelings. It's not like me to do that but I'm on edge lately. It just brought back to my attention what I don't like about our friendship which is her contantly giving me advice. I think we have hardly had a visit/converation without her telling me how I should change or live my life. Well, she says she's not reading my blog now but maybe she is. I hate that it make me feel I can't be honest and open and say what I want on this blog. But, guess what, I say so what! I'm still going to blog and just f*ck it. This is my space to say what I want and I will. Of course, maybe I shouldn't get so personal on the blog but it helps me sometimes. I still am working on a letter to her as she sent me a long one. I don't think I want the friendship to end but sometimes it seems like a lot of work to keep it going. I think we are taking a break from each other for now. But, we have been friends all our lives, we both were each other matrons/maid of honor and there is some good there. And I do know that she means well and doesn't mean to cause me pain.

Sometimes I think she doesn't get what kind of friend I need. I need a friend who will listen and not judge. Just accept me as I am. Sometimes we need girlfriends just to commiserate with us and listen not try to solve our problems like some of the men do. As we share our problems it helps deal with them and then we can take on the challenges life throws at us. Cause lately after losing people in my life I feel like I'm floating out to sea in a boat with no oars. I'm keeping my head above water but I can see the sharks. I think the sharks are the in the murky waters of depression and I don't want to go there. The problem I have lately is I haven't been reaching out to friends much to deal with my losses, I am just going it alone. I'm not sure why I'm doing that. I did have some time with sisters and my mom and talked of my friend and uncle and my feelings. Sometimes, that's just what you need. Others just want to go on with life and not talk about the friend we lost and I need to as she meant so much to me. Of course, to them they can't really understand as she was just a classmate and an acquaintence to them and to me she was my confidant and soul sister. The world is not the same without her in it. I can't come to grips that I will have to live the rest of my life without her. This will take a long while to deal with as I still break out in tears from time to time. It is not getting easier yet but it will.

The other reason for stressing is my radiology school. We get tested every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I feel the pressure. There is so much studying I'm having trouble finding enough time for my family but I have to so something's gotta give. And they kept on harping on in the beginning that you have to at least pass with a 79% in all classes or you don't pass. So far I'm staying on a high average but a test I took on Monday I'm really worried about. It had to do with density and contrast and some physics so I'm going to have to really buckle down for that class. The rest are going well. I just forgot how much work it is. So, I'm burning the midnight oil and staying up late when the rest are in bed. I got to the library sometimes too as I need that quiet time to study and no talking.

I'm listening to Buffet's great hits album and the song 'fruitcakes' is on. Have you heard it before? Kinda funny. The part he just said was about his wife saying to him I think and it goes 'I treat my body like a temple, you treat yours like a tent'. I guess that's something to ponder. My hubby is Mr. fitness so I guess he's the temple and I'm the tent. I was just eating any old thing I wanted and avoiding the scale lately. But I've stopped that and am eating healthier. I'm not dieting but I will begin again soon. I did gain some and I feel like maintaining is the best for me right now. Like some of you said, the answer to problems, the solace is not in the food. I have to keep that in mind. I'm going to get in some exercise today with my son after his school. I'll take him to the gym and he can play a bit while I exercise and then we can do something together like swim or something.

Well, I am just going on and on today and I hope you all are doing well in your own life journeys. I need to go read a chapter for a test tomorrow, oh what fun. I'll come around the blogs to see how you are doing.
Wish I could just fly a plane to the caribbean like he did....see the must be nice. He says he has a 'caribbean soul I can barely control' and I know just what he means.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Taking a break from the blog

I'm taking a little break from blogging for a while. I'm dealing with some shitzola as they say. I'm stressed from school and don't have much time. I will get around to your blogs and visit when I get time. I'm not gone for good just for a while....

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Emotional eating and why do we get fat

I was thinking today I wanted to talk about emotional eating. Someone told me recently they didn't understand why an intelligent person would allow themselves to get fat. Maybe in different exact words but that was the jist. I mean saying that cause I started out thin, long, long ago.

What I say to that is obviously they have never been fat. We all have our different reason for putting on the poundage. Sometimes it's just getting older and eating too much and not moving that much. For me it was a little of that but more about emotional eating. I was trying to go back in time and remember when I starting to put on weight. I remember a distinct time was right after I got married. I was working for this accountant. He was very nice and outgoing but he had a real bad tendency of coming up behind me and trying to massage my shoulders. And also when I had to go make copies in the copy room, there he would be in the doorway and not moving. I had to kind of squeeze on by him and was thinking 'why won't he move out of the way'! He was the touchy feeling kind of boss and I finally realized that he was sexually harassing me. I was young and naive I suppose. I thought, well, he's just from Morrocco or somewhere, aren't they like that in their country? His wife was the office manager, she didn't seem to say anything. I started to feel stress about going to work. I started to gain weight. I'm not sure how that's related but I guess cause I was stressed and feeling down I started to eat and to gain weight.

Anyway, fast forward to other times in my life. I was at work at the school district, I was an admin assistant/office manager. I liked the people I worked for but my boss was an evil b*tch who no one seemed to like much. They were always asking how I could work for her. The job was stressful and I began to eat. She liked to stress me out my giving me things last minute to do in 1 hour....projects that she could have given me days if not hours before. She drove me crazy. I think I was 170lb when I started that job and by the time I left there 3 years later when I got pregnant I was up to 212. Hmmmmm.....stress....weight gain. Coincidence? I think not.

Then later after the baby....started to gain more. Hit a bad spot in the marriage. You know, don't talk about it...just eat. Adding a baby to the mix was a real big shocker/change for us as we had been married 10 years with no kids. So we fix the marriage and then I started to lose the weight....about 40lbs and now a standstill due to stress again.

Food had/has become my drug of choice. When things bother me, let's eat. When someone made me feel bad...let's eat. Keep it all inside. Don't let them know how they hurt me. Just eat. Of course, it worked for a while. But then I'd get mad at myself for eating the fast food or ice cream or whatever and I was just hurting myself. Stress has always been a key trigger for me. That, and food is love. You know, growing up it was a treat to go out to eat. We started out poor in the beginning and going out to eat was a rare thing. And my mom was and still is a good cook. It seems food=love. She loved to provide us with the food, especially the holidays. We got the full spread. Now 2 out of us 3 sisters are overweight. My dad also loves to eat but he's not too much overweight. I guess he would go up and down 10-20 lbs. all the time. My grandma was overweight. Who the heck knows why we are the way we are. Or maybe it was that I didn't share with hardly anyone back father was a big drinker. So was my grandpa. Definitely alcoholics....did I not get the love I needed from him? Probably. Did it affect my weight? I really don't know. Did it affect my happiness and my body image and self esteem from things he would say? Yes. I think so.

All I know is that when I am in pain or under stress, I can revert back to eating. It has been happening again as of late. With the deaths of 2 of my loved ones....I don't seem to care that much about healthy eating. And due to my constant school and studying the exercise in nill. I'm trying to break out the rut. I'm feeling crappier and my pants are tighter but I haven't gotten on the scale. I'm sure I've gained a good amount...ya know I can just tell. But, this is not about beating myself up. This is about understanding it. This is about how to break the spell that food can have over me. My own little coping mechanism.

I was talking to my sister about the weight issues. And she said it's funny you know. When people mention your weight or that you should do something about it.......she said ya know, 'it's not like we don't know we have a weight issue'. Meaning, why the heck do they need to bring it up at all. It is our own private dilemma. Another blogger, Sandi from down under in Australia took it a step further and said you know what? She said she is tired of dieting and is just going to accept who she is right now and the weight she is at. I wish I could do that. I can't seem to do that. It would be so much more easier. It would be easier than thinking....'I have to get back to that thin woman I was years ago'. Because the funny thing is that I'm still the same inside but it seems that some people forget that. Then it makes me think, 'have I changed?' Yeah, I suppose I am not as confident as when I was young and thin. I mean confident in the way that I look and feel about myself. But other days I'm like 'I'm still the nice person inside and if people can't see that then they can just go stuff themselves'!

Anyway, I'm just going on and on. Taking a break from my all day study marathon as I have 2 big tests on Monday. I am liking learing about xrays and like Fridays the best as sometimes we get to do real xrays on the phantom/dummy things they have in class. The hands on learning is fun. All this bookwork and memorization is the dull part.

Tomorrow we will go with some friends to the pumpkin farm and pick out pumpkins and maybe go through the huge corn maze. My son loved it last year. And it's time for some fun about now....dangit! Ok, share with me if you have had struggles with emotional eating. Do you still struggle? If you don't, how did you break the cycle? Please share, I'm not getting any younger and want off this merry go round.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

A big 'sorry' to my friend.....and should my blog be private?

Breast Cancer Awareness Ribbon
First of all, it's breast cancer awareness month! Go out and get checked or do self exams or go get your mammograms if you are of that age. I know all to well what breast cancer can lead to and it ain't pretty.

I want to say a big 'sorry' to my friend Kathy. I have come to find out she is a reader of my many of you out there know me personally? If you do, come out of hiding or lurking and de-lurk and say 'hi' on my blog. Well, I wrote a while back about Kathy and how I didn't think she was supportive in her comments to me over the years. I was angry that day and it showed and for that I am sorry. But, of course, there is a bit of truth in what I said about my feeling about our relationship. She wrote me (and your prob. reading this Kath) today and wrote a long letter about her worry about my weight and about my feelings toward her and our relationship and how it is hard to get close. It made me cry. I know you are coming from a place of caring for me but somehow it feels like you judging me on my weight and on my life choices over the years. It makes me feel like you think less of me as a person for being overweight. It has been my coping mechanism for a lot of things in my life when I was down or it just happens. People turn to things when life brings them down. My addiction was food and maybe still is. Others turn to drugs or alcohol. So actually I'm glad that my vice is food. I wasn't hurting anyone else but myself. I dislike feeling judged for it. And at times, I distance myself from you cause I didn't feel supported. Of course I still care for you! I always have, I feel like I've always stuck up for you to our friends from the past. You did have a tendency to rub some the wrong way. They took your comments as harsh and wanted to distance themselves from you and not include you. I always stuck up for you and said 'we have to invite Kathy too'. So, in a way I always felt I was looking out for you. I understood why you could be the way your are. How you seemed to always have advice on how I should live my life. Your mother was that way with you and still is. You grew up with 3 brothers and dad that all were competitive and liked to tease you. It's what shaped you. I will work on a letter to you (it will take a while) is so hard to really share with you my inner feelings like I did with Dawn as I felt judged by you and that I couldn't live up to your standard. I know it was not your intent but that's how I felt. With Dawn it was so easy, she just accepted me as I was and tried to lift me higher. And she shared with me her real down low moments that I don't think you have really done with me. We connected on that, our down times and going thru marital issues at the same time. And then later, I tried to be there when she got the cancer and tried to cheer her up when I went to visit. But, thank you for you long letter. It gave me some insight into your thinking and how you are and how you feel. And, I don't regret you doing the triathalon with me. I was actually thinking after the race, 'how cool is it to be doing something like this with a friend'.

Ok, the rest of you out in blogland are wondering...what am I talking about? This comes to my dilemma...should I continue my blogging? Should I make it less personal? Should I make it private to only a select few? I started this blog as a fitness blog but it has become more like a diary. I knew it could get me into hot water for getting personal. I need to think on this some more. I do like this blog outlet and sharing with all you in blogland. It's my own kind of therapy I think to get things off my chest even with people I've never met. Also, a lot of you are weight loss bloggers and can understand and empathize with my weight loss struggle. I think in a way that no thin person who has never had this issue can. You know what I mean??

I went to the lung/pulmonary doctor today to get my results. The breathing test came back good. She listened to my heart and said I had a heart murmur. I had one as a child and thought it had gone but it is back. I think it's something that people just live with unless it goes a step further and become a valve prolapse. But, that is not what it is. I'll see how I feel when exercising again and if I push it. But, I am feeling pretty good today and think it was just major stress. And no, contrary to what some might think, this chest pain wasn't related to my weight at all.

Ok, I'm coming off as a little upset and touchy today but that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Maybe I need to start a paper journal and make it private and for my eyes only. I know some of you out there have made your blogs private. And some others just write about fitness. Maybe that's what I need to do but the problem that life is so much more than fitness. I can't just write about that as I get bored with it from time to time. I want to be open and honest but it's hard now.

Back to my studying and may you be having a better day than I. I hope you are kicking butt on your own healthy living journeys.

Friday, October 05, 2007

a success story and trouble in the water supply

Here's a one of the success stories I get regularly from wt watchers at

I'm not on their program anymore but still enjoy reading these. This lady lost a lot of weight and has a little more to go. It give me hope to see these people change their lives and hear their stories and know that it can be done. What I would really like to see from wt watchers is people that have lost all the weight and kept it off for 5 years or more. I'm sure there are a bunch of them out there even if the public says it isn't so.

I'm trying to get back into the wt loss mode. I just haven't been making the time to do it. I mean when I used to exercise 4-5 times per week I just seemed to eat healthier or just want to do it. Now, with all this college course work and watching my son I just don't seem to have the time and what free time I do have I spend with family but mostly I am studying! I am burning the midnight oil to get all my studying in. And, when I am tired, the last thing I want to do is exercise. I will make an attempt to go tomorrow as it's the weekend.

We've had a scare in our city. They closed the surrounding schools and my sons school too due to finding E-Coli in the water supply. First of all I'm scared that I might have drunk a little of it over the past week but not much as I usually do bottled water or that my son or hubby has. And secondly, it has been a major hassle to find day care for my son with no school to go to. I go to day school at college now and my hubby works a ways away and it has been a pain. I hope they can figure this all out my Monday or else he has to go to Grandma's. I'm sure everyone is getting upset, I mean the restaurants around here as a lot of them had to close due to this issue and everyone is losing money.

In other news, I've been doing well on all my tests/bookwork but found it hard to do a mock xray today. We positioned each other to do a chest xray and had to do the focus/alignment and all the other factors. I didn't do that well I fear and am pissed at myself. It's so hard to lose points this way as they are grading us at every turn. I know it just my first time doing this but I wish they would have let us practice beforehand. I don't like how they throw us into the fire and sink or swim. So, I'm a little down about that. But, my test taking has been good and I have another big test on Monday. I mean the academic side is good but the new area of hands on xray and technical stuff is throwing me for a loop at the moment. I was so nervous and lost my train of thought!!! Ugggghhhh. My hubby thinks I'm burned out from school already but I think it is all the other stress that I have been under for the past month and my health concerns that have compounded things.

I gave him a break tonight and he is visiting an old fishing buddy that has set up a ju-jitsu (not sure of the spelling) school. This guy used to be an ultimate fighter. Ya know, the nasty, low down fighting where anything goes from kick boxing to punching to wrestling. Nasty!

I hope you all have a great weekend and I will try though I have a day at the library planned but I just have to keep my eye on the prize of a new occupation.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

A bit better

Feeling a bit better today about things. I had 2 medical tests today, the PFC (or breathing/lung test thing) and a stress test. The tests seemed to go well. I still need to see the pulmonary doctor next week but the heart doc said the stress test was A-ok. They put all these sticky round things on you and hook up the wires. They put you on a treadmill for 10 minutes, first at an easy pace and then continually harder till your running. It was a little hard at the end as I haven't jogged in so long but I knew it would be over soon. They checked my heart and blood pressure and it seemed to be in the normal ranges though a little high at the beginning. I was happy that the doc said that she wouldn't refer me for more tests. If I have more chest pain then she said I might want to get an echo test to look at the how the valves in my heart are working. I did have a heart murmur as a child so that would be something to look at if my symptoms come back. But, I am still having some upper back pain and arm pain but I haven't had the chest pain all weekend! That's good news and gives me hope that this is was just a very stressful period in my life. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that stress would cause me to have bad chest pain. They haven't said it's stress but I suppose it could be.

The weekend was a bit difficult going to my uncle's funeral. There was a lot of crying going on but it was a nice rememberance of him and his son talked and other folks and had a nice slide show of pictures. They put on a great after party and tons of food. Their community/church really comes together in their small town. We then went to my Aunt's house and talked with all the family and other close friends. Some people (his son, my cousin) took the after get together as an excuse to get obliterated with alcohol. I know it's a tough time for him, especially today, but I see the alchoholic tendencies in him that night and other times. Our family has a history of alcoholism. All the way from my Grandpa to my dad to my uncle. The good news is that my dad and my uncle had overcome their demons and were alcohol free after years of abusing it. So, a lot of us are worrying about my cousin. I hope he can contol it. I know the feeling though, he probably just wanted the alcohol to numb him from feeling anything. It was good to see a lot of extended family, even my grandma's brother who I haven't seen in ages. He reminds me so much of my grandma who died 12 years ago. My son had a blast with the cousins as there were so many kids to play with.

I feel like I've lost a lot of ground in regards to fitness. I was on that treadmill test and thinking, 'wow, this is hard'. Why have I let myself slack so much. I think I was just scared when I had the chest pain and quit working out except for some walking. I feel like I have come a long way from the high of doing the triathalon and now feeling kinda low. And, I have to admit to the HALL OF SHAME. The hall of eating shame! When all these medical issues came up and all this sadness this past month I have been having a field day with food. Let's see I've been favoring those little debbie cakes, kind of like chocolate ho-ho's. And I'm a good customer of Taco Time and their Chicken soft taco and mexi-fries. And I've been bad about having ice cream, ya know the hot fudge sundaes! Yikes. It's like all that I have been depriving myself of I just let loose and had them. Kind of like self-medicating with food. Some of you know what I'm talking about. I used to self medicate with exercise and have to find a way to do that again.

But, school is really busy and I have tons of reading to do all the time and have 2 tests in radiology tomorrow. So, I'll take it one day at a time for now. How do you all handle stress? I really need to find more ways to do that as it looks now that it can affect my health. Maybe a massage is in order. Hope you all are having a good week!