Thursday, August 31, 2006

been down the last few days

Not really sure why but have been in down in the dumps lately. It prob. started when I got this chest cold and now time of month and the hormonal thing going and these nasty headaches lately. I wasn't sleeping well all week, cause coughing up all this junk and that makes me cranky and down too. It's not like me to be like this for a few days. I purposely went to the gym and worked out hard to try to get that endorphin high and it seemed to somewhat work. Also, been craving chocolate and other bad stuff and that's not like me either. Just had a little and was thinking, come on don't blow it now that your getting close to wonderland (under 200) in a few months. Don't do this again. So I am not. I'm not giving up and not letting a little lapse turn into a full fledged pity party and go back to my old ways. I don't want to go back. I'm finally feeling better overall lately and going down in pants size and feeling better physically. I'm not letting fear or depression or negative thoughts or whatever it is derail me this time. I like feeling good about eating healthy and working out. Finally doing something good for myself after years of abuse with food and especially fast food. It has to end, this previous fasination w/ Mcd's and all the others. That movie, 'supersize me', really showed me what I already knew. Fast food is bad for you and it's addicting. Anyway, just writing out my thoughts and feeling better tonight and will try for a good weekend even though it will be a challenging one w/ family and food everywhere. Just need to get back in the groove again....

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

is there a fat gene?

I was pondering today, 'is there a fat gene'? It seems in my family, my dad has always had issues with his weight. He will go up and down 20 lbs practically every year. And 2 of us 3 sisters have wt issues and the wt keeps going up and up since our mid 20's and since having children and getting married. It seemed it was easy to stay slim when we were young and active and didn't think about food much. As we got older and became less active or let a little creep up it just kind of steamrolled and we looked around and realized, (yikes!) we haven't lost the baby wt and now weigh more than ever. Then you get the guilt. How could I quit caring what I looked like? How could I let myself go? Other friends haven't let it go or at least not to this extent? How does my family feel about it? How does my hubby? I know how I feel about it! Depressed, embarrassed at times, takes a major toll on my self esteem, wonder what others think of me. I'm competent in most every other area in my life. Try to be a good mother, wife, daughter, friend. I know I'm a good person inside. Think I quit being good to myself. I have been thinking about that a lot lately and been doing things different the last 4 months. Be kind to myself by eating well 80% of the time with occassional treats so as not to feel deprived. Exercise at least 4x per week. And it has felt better as I'm moving easier, breathing better, can go up stairs with ease, can lift and play with son easier. But, it seems I feel I have this fat gene. I see it in action. Maybe I talked about this before, but we went to disneyland and there was this buffet at our hotel. I'm talking the extravagant food and everything you could possibly want. It was pricey so most of the family just ordered off the menu. My father kept going on and on about all the food at the buffet, how good it looked, what was that food over there and he actually got up and walked around the table to talk about it. What is this, this type of nirvana if we can eat the food? I was thinking, just get the damn buffet, I knew that he wanted it. But that would be bad as he's watching his diet. I looked at my sister and said 'you see what we're fighting, the fat gene'. We both have this so called gene like Dad or this yearning to eat the good food, we both would like to have that buffet and eat what we want. But, we don't like what it gets us in return. The low energy, the extra cals, the fat. I try to analyze the food choices at local restaurants around here before we even go. Applebees is diet friendly for w. watchers so sometimes we will go there. But most restaurants have some type of low fat entree or I practice portion control. Just cause it's there and it's a huge plate of food, that doesn't make me have to eat it. I'm trying to figure out when I'm full. Stop eating for a while and maybe I don't need as much, really I don't. The stomach has shrunk, I can be happy with less. I don't need to feed some emotional void or whatever I was doing before. I'll take some of the food home and usually it'll go to the trash or the husband will eat it. He could stand to gain some wt as he's always doing his tri's and bike races. He's mr. fit. I was telling him we're like that (well not for long) like that nursery rhyme about Jack sprat who had the chubby wife. He didn't know what I was talking about. ha ha. You know, 'jack sprat would eat no fat, eat wife would eat no lean'. So that's why I surf the net and visit other people's wt loss blogs to gain inspiration and understanding and empathize. As you are the people that truly understand the issues with food that most of us have to deal with on a daily basis and for the rest of our lives. I wish I had the skinny mind set, such as, 'oh, i just forgot to eat' instead of thinking what am I having today for lunch, for dinner, wow, doesn't that restaurant have good food. Hope everyone is having a good week.

Monday, August 28, 2006

slow progress...just keep going in the same direction

Well, it was kind of dissapointing to see a small loss of -.6 but it makes the total down 31. I just have to accept that every 4 weeks for t.o.m. that I will not lose as much as usual. I actually was sick this week w/ a chest cold and haven't eaten as much so was expecting a bigger loss but hopefully it will show up next week. I just need to keep plodding along. I seem to be getting lazy about writing down everything I eat the points values. Sometimes I write down 1/2 the day and the rest in my head. I need to be more viligant about it and write it all down or I really won't know how many flext points I've used. You also keep track of how many activity pts your earn. I don't think I ever go above all the pts I can use though as I'm really not eating as much and not snacking very much but maybe this little bites of this and that really add up. I will increase my exercise this week to 5x per wk due to labor day holiday coming up and will be lots of food around at the family's get together. Will be a lot of temptation but I will bring my low fat foods and try to stick w/ the program. My mom is a good cook and usually has something real good she cooks up so it's always a challenge when I'm around her. Of course, she's stick thin! Don't it figure. We try to talk to her about not having snacks around as she doesn't eat them anyway as me and my sister and my dad are trying to lose some pds. It all comes down to personal reponsibility, I know, so I will do my best. Hope everyone is doing well this week.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Thanks to Marshmallow! And wt loss charts....

Thanks to Marshmallow for showing me how to get the wt loss ticker working!!! Your so awesome!! I'm so new to learning about these types of templates and everything, maybe someday I'll get a photo up and links to the side. Don't know why I wanted it (the ticker). Maybe a visual reminder of my progress and what else needs to be done. I also have my own personal journal/well excel chart of wt loss and weigh in my week and projections per month. I'm going for 7 lbs per month and on track so far (with the exception being -9 the first month on ww). I know getting anal about charting!! Now on w. watchers they let you use etools w/ a monthly card that basically is cheaper than the usual meetings so started to fiddle w/ that and they also have a chart wt graph. Ok, now I'm getting carried away. I like going on there and looking at success stories and doing community makes me feel like if they can do it, so can I darnit! The exercise is really playing a big part in keeping me on track and losing. I'm not sure where my motivation to workout 4-5/wk has come from...think I'm finally pissed and wanting this wt off for good. Now I just wish the body would shrink back to when I was younger but I know that's not totally possible. Just being bigger and having a baby, you can't get rid of all the extra skin and stretch marks but I know it will be better than now. It also seems my face, arms and legs look smaller but waist, hips and chest are not losing as fast! Yuck!! Patience, I know, I have to have patience.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

getting over negative thinking and neg comments

Feeling like crap today, got a chest cold or something. I tried to work it off by working out all week but it's not working. My bio teacher was saying something about that it would make sense to keep working out due to getting your lymph system drainage going or some other stuff like that but sometimes you just gotta slow down! I think since I've joined the ymca 3 mo. ago I have been sick like 3 times! Must be a lot of germs there, so gotta remember to be careful and clean with the towels and spray first! Pain in the b*tt. Whose working out when their real sick anyway? HHHmmmppphhh! I wanted to try yoga tonight or go swimming but i'm not going as I don't want to pass this bug along. Just a note about negative comments from others. I have enough neg. comments in my head! One was just a negative about my sister thinking she can't continue this ww journey with me or maybe just her fear that she will quit as always. She says stress does her in when teaching begins in the next week or so. That was her same comments until school was out in June so I'm thinking this is an all year thing. I know their just excuses and failing to plan and do other things w/ stress than eating but we'll see if she folds this time. I really want her on this journey cause her health is being affected, from serious varicose veins, to problems w/ her feet, etc. I really hope she's ready to do it. Another comment was from my close friend from childhood, when I was talking about wanting to lose weight a few months ago. She said 'you may always be overweight'. Ok, could be true but I'm not buying into that mentality. I still have hope that this can be beaten or at least managed. I'm not going to be one of the those old ladies who can hardly walk due to weight issues. no way!!! Maybe this comments actually partially fueled me into doing something about my wt for once and for all. Or maybe it's that I've tried to lose wt several times and didn't get past 20 usually and best feat was 35 lbs. I hope to break thru that 35lbs barrier and create new milestones. Hope everyone is doing well on their individual journeys!

Monday, August 21, 2006

progress continuing...and other issues coming up

Down another 2.2, so that brings it to 30 lbs lost! yeah!!! happy dance! I feel I can beat this thing, this fat! But on the flip side, starting to get thinner is bringing up other issues in my life, like self esteem, how I feel about my career change, my relationship with dear hubby and friends. There is a lot linked to weight loss, a lot of feelings that go a lot deeper than just the weight. It will make it difficult to get to goal and deal with painful things in my past (nothing earth shattering) but things about myself that I'm not proud of, like my penchant for spending money when I'm depressed. But, this is also a good thing to do some self reflection and get on with my life and quit being negative about myself while putting on a happy, outward front. Change is good, I'm telling myself, and I'm realizing about things I've given up, such as hobbies, ambition, interests when I became a mother and felt like I my child needed me more than I needed to take care of my needs. I've realized that I need to take care of some of my needs first in order to be a better mom, wife, friend, daughter....this is an ongoing process as it's hard!

obsessed with surfing wt loss sites

It seems, I've become obsessed with surfing the net, and specifically have been spending a good deal of time reading wt loss stories on blog, ww community site and others. Maybe I'm getting too obsessive about this weight loss journey. It is giving me positive reinforcement and getting me to stay on track but sometimes I think that I'm spending too much time on it and getting too gung ho and driving some others around me crazy w/ the wt loss talk. On another note, slept a few hrs tonight, started surfing and came across to ladies and some of their great posts about wt loss issues (big ass belle and sara). Made me think about my own issued with food and why I have let this weight creep on for 15 yrs. Started out with just 20 lbs and then turned into 100 or more pds. Realized this time need to deal with my wt once in for all as I'm very unhappy about it. I'm real tired of the negative self dialogue in my head. I remember what it used to be like when I was young and carefree and not negative about myself. I look back and remember that girl, she wasn't bad looking, maybe need to work on her self esteem but she looked good. I'm older and wiser now and now that I'm a mommy, I don't want the same fate for him. The obesity, the negative self thoughts, the hatred or depression that this can cause. The wt loss yo yo has to stop! I can't live like this anymore and won't do it. Self-love is a hard thing. Add in an overweight person and it seems even harder to love myself. This affect everything I do from work and going back to school to my personal relationships. I've turned this ship around from going straight to having health issues from this wt gain and there's no going back. Healthy and active is what I'm aiming for and here's to liking myself again! Now, need to get some sleep, bye.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I've been tagged

Not time to weigh in till tomorrow but I've been tagged by Marshmallow. Think I need to write 5 things that are weird or unusual about me. Mmmm, can't think of anything...ha ha, just the average, run of the mill american female. Ok, here goes, 1) I'm obsessive about the scale - sometimes I weigh myself 2 or 3 times a day, aaaahhhh, gotta stop that. 2) Was a scuba teacher earlier in my life, maybe not so weird, but lived in far away places and breathed so slow underwater, think I could have shared air with 2 or 3 more people and we still would have air left over! Mmmmm - maybe being a pisces I was a fish or something in a previous life. 3) (needed to delete this one) 4) Used to be so happy to please people I would let them steamroll right over me!! No more than stopped a few years ago when I put my foot down and let them know when they've hurt my feelings, but it's a hard habit to break to be the good girl all the time. 5) Been wishy washy about making decisions. Go over constantly the list of pro's and con's when making a big decision but then other times I've been real spontaneous and moved far away (scuba) so go figure. Ok, now I tagged, Kimberly and fatmom to this assignment. bye bye.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

positive state of mind today

After being bummed out yesterday, feeling like I really bombed my Physiology final I am happy that I didn't do as bad as I thought and a B on this final and a A in my anatomy final will give me an A-. Thank god! There is a god! I was retaking this class as I got a B a year ago and need to improve my gradepoint to get into the radiology tech. school next year. Think it will happen finally! It's a darn hard class or else I'm not that interested in biology but feeling good about it now. I also feeling positive about the wt. loss journey. Feeling like I can really do this. My behaviors are changing. I was out last nt for a rare night alone w/ hubby without our child and I chose a salad at the mexican restaurant. Not the cheesy enchiladas or other cal. laden food. And, I was happy with it and didn't feel deprived. Some other times, I would feel like, I can't eat that or that's too many pts. on the ww program. Maybe I'm finally getting it, or like they say 'flip the switch'. Maybe, not maybe, I can do this and not quit this time and yo yo back up. I'm going to be an active individual for the rest of my life and not sit and be a couch potato and miss out on life! Hope all of you out there are doing well on your individual journeys. We can kick this fat to the curb once and for all!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

still losing a little and thoughts about points system

I decided to bite the bullet and weigh in a day late at ww due to being out of town. After the disney vacation....da da da, down only .4. But a loss is a loss and was striving to maintain this week as I wanted to eat off program a little and not figure all my points all weekend. I get so tired of counting points! Maybe soon I will switch to the core program which is basically eating healthy foods and limited some high starch carbs and breads. It might be difficult to fit it into eating out once in a while as certain foods are off limits. I kinda don't like that some foods are off limits cause that just makes me want them more. The points system at least lets you eat anything as long as you figure out how many pts/cals/fat grams/fiber is in it but of course you severely limit your portions. I guess on the core you can go hog wild on veggies and meat and get to eat more healthy stuff. The wt loss is still happening so I'll continue on w/ counting my little points. Sometimes, I can't imagine doing this for a year, I mean the pts thing but it's getting second nature as I tend to eat some things over and over. Ok, wt loss total is 28 now so feeling good and actually needing to go down a size in pants to a 18. I'm getting called baggy pants lately but haven't wanted to go shopping lately with like 6 birthdays in my family this month. Ok, need to stop procrastinating and web surfing and get to studying for my final in physiology tomorrow night. It gets so dang boring though!

ahhhh the dreaded vacation

Just got back from Disneyland and California adventure. Went with the whole gang of 14 family members, 2 sisters and all their families and mom and dad. Think my son enjoyed it the most as he's the youngest. Unfortunately, haven't weighed in a ww as I missed my monday meeting due to being in CA but I think I'll try to get to meeting today. Did eat some bad stuff but in moderation. I wanted that chi chi and a bite of those chili cheese fries and that bread bowl gumbo at disney/new orleans. (not good by the way) and that breakfast buffet with eggs benedict! We walked a lot though so it looks like I didn't gain any so that will be a plus or even if I stay the same it will be good. My strategy was to exercise and eat good last week before the vacation to even it out. I'm back on the program today and hope to have larger losses soon. I had to come back a day early to take my final in the anatamy/phys class so that was a bummer but what can you do. Like I could tell my teacher, 'please reschedule the final as I'm out of town that day'. I wish. Hope everyone out there is doing well in this healthy lifestyle change.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

silly magnets, and milestones

Things are going well on the wt loss front, down another -3.6 so that makes 27. I'm happy with the progress so far but confused that when I work really hard and stick to ww program and exercise like crazy, then it's a small loss and on the weeks when I slow down a but or eat a little more, I have the big losses. I don't care how it comes off just as long as it does. Finally got the silly 25lb magnet that ww gives out. Why do we want these funny magnets, and stickers that say "5 lbs lost or 25 lbs lost"? I guess cause it shows our progress in concrete terms. So I guess I should dig out those awards from the bottom of my purse and put them in my journal or somewhere I can look at when I hit a rough patch in this journey. I'm worried about this next week as we're going to disneyland and I know they are not known for their healthy food. I will do the best I can and of course, walk a lot. I'm looking forward to going and it will be my son's first trip (he's going to be 5 soon), but I have my finals next week in my anatomy/pysiology class so that will be hanging over my head. Oh my god, it's my 15 yr anniversay tomorrow and what are we doing to celebrate....nada...cause of night school! We will go out a different night. Wish it was a hawaii trip instead of disneyland. Maybe in the future. Hope everyone out there is doing well on their weight loss journeys this week.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

10% body wt lost

Down another pound, to make that a loss of 24. I'm feeling good that the scale is moving downward again and that I'm not a plateau as feared. I go to wt. watchers and was feeling pretty good yesterday but then at the meeting things changed a little. It was about meeting our ww team, meaning the other members in the meeting. The leader asked us to answer some questions she'd typed out. Mine was "what mileposts have you reached". So when it was my turn to talk, I said making the 10% loss and also being able to exercise for an hour (used to be 15 min) and feeling healthier. Thought she wouldn't say anything and on to the next person. But no, she came down hard on me and singled me out. Saying "you know how many people make the 10% loss their 1st milepost, and they shouldn't". She wanted to know if I appreciate the small losses like 5 lbs. markers and I said I usually make my mini goals the big things, such as 10%, 25 lbs., get under 200, the 50 lbs mark, etc. And she seemed to chastize me and say to appreciate the smaller losses. I guess she was saying it to benefit everyone, that small losses are also good. But damn, my mood took the path straight to being bummed out. I went to the gym and just kept thinking about it. I guess it's because she commented for so long and I felt like a student in class, and her saying "wrong answer, you dummy!!!" Damn it, whatever are my goals and my motivation is what is working for me end of story! I guess if it bums me out this much I should talk to her about it next week. I am majorally pmsing and that makes me emotional anyway. It's funny, I'm really a calm type of person and it's really hard to ruffle my feathers and usually things slide right of my back but I'm feeling peeved. Let it go, let it go... It just is funny that they (WW) are the ones that have you aiming for losing the 10%, they put it right on your week 1 after your weight in that your have to lose so and so pounds to make your 10% and then she critizes me when I make it my first mini goal!! the gall, the horror. God, I need to get a life and quit talking about this so bye bye.