Thursday, December 18, 2008

Happy Holidays

Wanted to wish everyone a Happy Holidays with your loved ones! Here's a picture of our tree. I wasn't sure if we were getting one due to going out of town but we decided to anyway as my son loves all the christmassy stuff.

We are off on our trip tomorrow night for that cruise! I can't wait to have a warm Christmas. The only problem is that we have been having SNOW for the last few days so I hope that doesn't cause us troubles flying. We usually have mild winters and not much snow so this year is shaping up to be quite different. Here's a pic of the snow out back of my house.
We are going to open presents early tonight....I we don't want to be hauling many gifts on the trip. I don't think I have many readers left as I haven't been blogging much the last few months but if you're stopping by....say hi. I'll check back in with you all when I get back from vacation.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Survived the week!!!

I survived finals week! Yes!!!!! Happy, happy, joy, joy. I think I got A's on all my finals tests....not sure about one of them as I won't get it back. For the class grades, I think I'm getting mostly A's and prob. one B but we'll see what happens when they post them next week.

For the comment from Spider/Ironman.....if I'm done with school, unfortunately not. Just a winter break. I have to take classes till June and then intership in the summer and be done in mid August. Then the big test I will have to study for to pass the get my license to be a radiology tech. We already kind of have started studying for this big test and it's an ongong thing.

We finished today and went out to breakfast with a lot of the other it was fun. Would have been funner to have a party but that will come later. We have a conference in April in Wenatchee (in Wash state.) so that should be fun. People are already talking of the partying that will be going on. I'm sure there will be. There is quite the age gap from 21-50 year olds, so it should be interesting.

Now....I can get back to concentrating on my family and getting ready for xmas. We are going away this year but I'm still getting a little tree and have gifts to buy. I'm excited to have time to myself too. What will I do with myself? ha! It's back to the gym here soon, to the hairdresser. to the mall, etc. I need to get another outfit for the cruise as my mom wants us to dress up some nights. uggghhh. I'm just not that happy getting new clothes....I mean with this body. ha.

We are going out to dinner to celebrate the end of the quarter. Just some pizza or something but will be good to get out. Hope you are all doing well and I will make the blog rounds here soon!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Finals week

Sorry, bad blogger but I haven't had much time due to school. It's the dreaded finals week and I am up late studying for exams. It'll be over by Thursday and then I can have some much needed time off.

We had a nice Thanksgiving with family and most of my other time has been spent on school projects and presentations/papers. Oh, my exciting life as of late. Since we will be away at Christmas I'm trying decide on getting a tree. I know my boy would like it so maybe we'll get a small one and decorate a bit at the end of the week. I haven't even started shopping!!! We are cutting down this year so I don't have as much to get but it makes me nervous that I haven't started yet. I can't seem to get into the xmas mood and I have to get this week over first. At least we aren't getting as much for the extended family as we are going on that cruise.

I'll come by and visit your blogs later in the week when I can come up for air! Hope you are all doing well.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Tired of it all

Tired of it all! This is a comment I keep hearing from my hubby about his work at the moment. And I was thinking....this has been my mindset lately too. The school is tiring, the work is tiring, and there is not many moments of happiness as of late. I think winter bums me out too here in Wash. we get lots of gray know what do they call it.....SAD disorder. I think I've just been too busy and not really enjoying life as's just what I have to go through at the moment.

And of course, one of the things that brings me down is my weight and lack of controlling it. I was just making the rounds of blog of what I can fit in with this darn school schedule and studying and as I go to the weight loss bloggers I realize that I really have not been a wt loss blogger in a long, long time. But, I am still really unhappy with my weight. I've used stress and school and no time as a excuse to not try anymore, just keep the status quo and not gain. It just is so much easier to do. But, I'm tired of the nagging thoughts daily about how I look in these jeans, and who I have to see that hasn't seen me in a while and what they think of me at my larger size. I went to see some friends Friday night and I hate being one of the largest in the room. A few of my friends are skinny and happy and looking so good....and I think, where did I take a wrong turn. When did I let life's downs or just boredom cause me to soothe myself with food. The emotional eater.....that is me. I'm not talking huge quantities of food....just some of the wrong foods and over time it all adds up. How did I equate eating with joy. Where did my joy go? Sure, I have moments with my family and I feel happy but I'm not happy with myself. And if you are not happy with yourself.....are you really loving yourself? I don't know....just pondering things today and didn't get all the sleep I need. Things to think about....thinking I need to retry the healthy living thing and get back with the exercise.....This vacation is just around the corner and I'm tired of not wanting to get in my swimsuit! yuck, yuck but I do it anyway.

It should be a wakeup call to get put on blood pressure meds. My BP isn't really that high and I was prob. on the meds six months and lately I've been getting these bad night sweats where you wake up and just start sweating. So first though is, early menopause. Naw!!! too young for that. Then, I thought, it's the darn BP meds. So I went off of them and presto, no more sweats. I shouldn't have gone cold turkey but I feel like the side effects outweigh the meds. So, I'm monitoring the BP and will decide if I need to try another. Yeah, should be a big wakeup call for me to lose weight once and for all. I want to be around a long time for my family!

Tell me how you are all doing out in there in blogland! I haven't had much time and what time I do have I'm trying to spend with my family. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and being with extended family here soon and a short respite from school.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

dreaming of christmas

Dreaming of Christmas.....cause this is where I will be for xmas this year. I didn't know for sure if we were going the caribbean due to the economic situation but we've been planning this thing for over a year now, so it's a go. The whole family is going....parents, sisters and their families. You can't believe how much I'm looking forward to this. We are going on the southern route and damn right I will be taking lots of photos!! I hope I'm able to do some scuba but we'll see what happens. The only thing I don't have is some nicer clothes as we have to dress up from time to time for dinner. Not really my thing.....but everyone else is going to I suppose.
It's one of the very few things that is keeping me going on these last few weeks and feeling a bit down as I'm getting burned out from school and work. There is light at the end of the tunnel. This will be so awesome to have a warm Christmas now that the weather is cold here.
Other than that, not much happening but having homework, tests, papers and the like. We also have to do a group project in one of my classes where we do a skit or game show. So not looking forward to that! Also, looking forward to getting together with old friends in Seattle area next weekend. It's been a long time for a girls night out.
I'll get around to blogs here soon......seems like I never have enough time to be a part of the blogworld lately and I miss it sometimes. Hope you are all doing well!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Sorry, been busy

Sorry I haven't been around blogland much at all. Miss you guys though!!! It is this school, this has become my most challenging quarter, I think. I just had to put my nose to the grindstone and get all the papers and presentations done and that doesn't leave me much time for play or for blogging. Yeah, I know you are all right....I need to stick this radiology thing out and get my degree. They push me to the edge and I can't say I'm happy these days...but I know I will get through it. I do have a lot of inner strength and these wenches (ha teachers) can't take that away from me. One step at a time and try to smile while gritting my teeth.

I did have fun at our mini high school reunion and got to see some old friends as well as the old boyfriends, ha! I am still friends with the exes. Not that we socialize much but if we see each other we always have something to say. We had about 70 people show up....think we had about 300 plus grads.

We had a good night of trick r treating last son was cute, he was a clone trooper from Star Wars and got tons of candy with some of his friends. I was surprised how many parents were out in their driveways handing out candy and some had just the candy out and tried to scare us. (here's his pic)

Other than that, not much to say at the moment....gotta go spend some quality time with the hubby....think he's feeling neglected cause I'm always busy. Better give him some TLC.

Hope to visit your blogs here soon. Take care and thanks for commenting.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

looking forward to the weekend

Thanks for the comments from the last post. I was feeling really crappy last week. I'm feeling a bit better. But, this school pushes me to the edge sometimes and I wonder if I'm on the right track or doing the right thing....I mean is this what I'm supposed to do with my life? Will I like it? The pressure does get to me. When I'm interning...I have to put on my game face and do the very best I can or I can get reemed. Not the way it should be but it just the way it is. I'll survive. Something tells me this is not the end of my days when I just want to bawl.

I'm looking forward to the weekend though. We have a small reunion with my old high school class. We will go to the homecoming football game and sit with all our old classmates and visit and then out for some drinks with my old friends. I'll also get to see some of my family though my mom is somewhere far away in Bhutan. I probably will need to cut it short and just stay one night as I have a case study presentation and paper to write as well as study for 2 tests and ummmmmm read like 5 chapters for another class. Fun, huh? I am counting down the days till this quarter is over in mid December, that's for sure.

Hope you are all well out in Blogland....sorry I haven't been able to comment much due to school. This dang homework.....I best get to it.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Feeling low

I'm feeling so low tonight. It was a bad day at school. It was lab day and you go in and shoot difficult xrays on the old style film and get rated. It wasn't a good grade day for me. I guess I could handle that as other days on lab days haven't been so bad but the teacher made me feel small and dumb. I hate when people make you feel little. Is she mad that she didn't think I was prepared enough? Does she do it to make herself feel superior?

Granted, we have not hardly ever worked with old film and shot xrays with the dummy's and phatom things and then developing and critiqueing them. The critiquing is so dang hard. What is this fuzzy part here? Where should it be? What is this anotomy? How should this film be looked at, left to right? What is wrong with the image? What can't you see? What did you do wrong?
I was feeling so crappy after that class...I almost didn't go to my next one. One bad class and I'm thinking of chucking the last few years of school/and training down the drain. Then feeling bad about not losing weight and on and on. I am just on one negative roll right now. Ya know, like you can't have a worse day, that you can't do anything right.

I will fucking not let this episode make me fail. I have come to fricken far to let her derail me with her superior attitude. Unfortunately for me, she is also my clinical advisor....meaning she comes to visit me at my intern site and makes sure I'm on track. I so wanted to let her know how she made me feel....but she prob. knew by the look on my face and that I was starting to get emotional. I hate that I can't control my emotions today. Fricken hate it. It is best not to let her know how I feel....I'll get more backlash from it if I do.

I need to let go of this and move on. I need to go study this darn barium enema crapola that I must do tomorrow at work. I am so stressed out from school and interning that I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I have to pass this class and lab is 1/2 my grade in this class.
I just pray, pray, pray, that I get some sleep tonight as I've been burning the candle at both ends.....and have a better attitude tomorrow.

Ok, just needed to vent. Thanks if you got this far.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

same old, same old

Just been busy keeping up with my college coursework and working at the clinic. It feels really hard this much new radiology material and the CT class and pharmaceutical class. I have some reports to write and I haven't started....yuck.

Other than that, haven't had much to write about. Been just spending time with my son and husband. Went swimming a bit at the pool/gym and mostly just studying a lot. I'm burnt out a bit and not sure why. Will I last till next summer's end? At least the bookwork will be done in June. I guess I'm getting faster at doing xray's but I feel I still have a lot to learn. Can't wait till January when I get to work at a hospital and get to work in surgery and ER and the like. Maybe a little more excitement.

I know...a bit boring life at the moment. Thought I would just give ya all an update and hope to get around the blogs to see what your up to. I have to go study my dang CT.....ya know used to be CAT scans. Who knows, maybe I'll end up doing CT work instead of general xray, could be good and a bit more money.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Back to school and a bit overwhelmed

My college started back up yesterday....I do 3 days of clinicals/intership all day and then the other 2 days of the week I go to classes at the college. I'm feeling overwhelmed with the amount of homework and studying I need to do in addition to working. What especially freaks me out is the papers/case studies and situation type papers I will need to do on top of tests, etc. Aaaaaiiiiiii! I know I will get through it, just one day at a time and lots of weekend studying. I think I'm gonna like my CT (computerized tomography) class the best. I also like seeing all my classmates again.....missed some of them.

I did have a month long break from school so that was nice and I'm happy that I didn't forget how to xray people after that amount of time off. Now, I am busy doing my competencies which is where they test me on different xrays and rate me on how I did. It can be a bit nervewracking on difficult exams but so far so good....I took the bull by the horns and got 4 done yesterday. I have some unusual/diffucult exams to get in this quarter and these type of xrays don't come around often so I have to wait and wait and some day they will come in and then I will get the chance to test on them. It'll all pan always does.

Sorry to bore you with my school news...but that is my life nowadays. My son seems to be adjusting to his new daycare now that I'm back in school and is enjoying 1st grade. My hubby has been so busy with his triathalons every weekend but I think it's the end of the season now, well we'll see. I don't have anything exciting to look forward to in the near future that I can think of, boo hoo!

As for weight loss news....I haven't been doing much in that department and I need to. I picked up the book 'Shrink yourself:Break free from emotional eating forever' by Gould. I don't know, I have so many books in my collection already but I was reading a bit of it at the book store last week and it was interesting. I don't have much time to read it with school and all but I'll let you know what I think of it when I get some time to read it more. I'm forever hopeful that I will just get with the program and quit my yo/yo syndrome of up and down in weight! Have you ever heard that we chose to be overweight or not. I mean, I'm doing the behaviours that keep me chubby, ya know what I mean. I don't know why I'm thinking about this at the moment but it seems lately that my 'switch is not flipped', meaning my heart is just not into the weight loss mode. I haven't lost hope.....I'm just tired most nights and not feeling like exercising when my feet are aching from all day on my feet and I need to get dinner on the table. Sounds like I'm making excuses but such is life. For the feet, I did get some orthodics made to put in my shoes so just waiting on them to be done and got some Dansko shoes which are supposed to make be good for people who are on their feet a lot so we'll see if these help.

What are all you out there in blogland doing this week....I'm not getting too much internet time but I'll try to make it around to the blogs here soon!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

went to the fair....and just chillin

It has seemed like work this week to blog. I don't know, just not into it as much. Sigh.... But I like to see how you are all doing and keep ya up to date with me too.

So, we went to the local, big fair here and these are some of the pics I took. My son is a big fan of Spongebob though he was asking me....'is there a man in there?' ha! I went on a lot of rides with him and was starting to feel sick. It's funny how we love the rides as kids but as we get older I don't so much. I did enjoy the roller coaster we went on and it was his first big roller coaster and he loved it. (I only had a pic of him on the kiddie coaster.)

Other than that been feeling a bit blah about things....just cleaning house and meeting up with friends before college starts up. I need to pick up my books for school and not looking forward to seeing how much they cost. Good news is that I will get some financial aid....a little of a grant but most I have to pay back so I will have tuition covered.

We will get ready here in a few hours to go meet my parents up is there 50th Anniversary and we all will take them out to dinner, so that will be fun but pricey! Other than that I've been playing my kids Wii game and I'm liking the MarioKart, sports such as tennis, golf and bowling. It is kind a weird to not be really doing the sports but just simulating them. A lot cheaper, I suppose. If I really get into the tennis it gets you much for a workout. I am going to the gym some but not as much as I could...I'll start back up on Monday with workouts but my son and I are fighting colds and are hacking a bit. The weather has been awesome so can't complain. Hope you are all doing well!

Here's a guy who was a human cannonball at the fair. We'll see if the video works here:

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

computer meltdown

Sorry haven't been around as much but my computer was on the fritz. We had a friend fix it and it's working better but I need to download some more safety stuff. Hate the hackers or whoever they are messing w/ our computer!!

Been busy last weekend helping my mom and dad with their cabin. A bunch of our family and the cousins all painted it and did the need repairs. So, can't say it was a fun labor day weekend but it had to be done.

My son started 1st grade so that was exciting for him. I've got some time off before my school starts so I'm busy cleaning the house and getting things in order. Maybe I'll have a fun day soon and just do stuff I want to do not have to do! I do have some xray stuff to study before my clinical/internship starts up so I'll get to that too. I've just not felt like it as I'm a little burned out on it all. I'll get my mojo back and get geared up for another full year of xray fun. ha! Not so much but I'm looking forward to seeing all my classmates again.

I'll try to get around and see what you are all up to. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to get everything I need to do done! Hope you are all doing well. We are enjoying some pretty good weather this week, I can't complain, though it seems the shorts weather is over. My plans for the weekend are to visit with some friends at a house warming party and take my son to the big, local fair this weekend; he loves the rides. What are you all up to??

Friday, August 22, 2008

Back from vacation

We are back from our mini vacation over the mountains to eastern Washington. We had fun camping by Lake Chelan and then went over to Winthrop to my sister's cabin. The first few days were really hot, close to 100 degrees (F) and we got a lot of sun but then it cooled way down to the 80's and then the 70's and got a lot of rain in Winthrop. (Here's a few pics of camping, swimming and of Winthrop....I mostly just took pics of my boy....funny how I never get in the photos...ha!)

My son's 7th birthday was the other day so we opened a few gifts and did some things he wanted to do such as putt-putt golf and went out to dinner. We are having a kid party here in 2 days and they will go to a gymnastics gym and jump around so that should be fun for him.

My son is quite the water bug and we went swimming all the time. He said I was the hero of the day when I dove down 25ft to retrieve a boat paddle someone lost. Guess I still have some free diving skills...ha. Made me remember the scuba diving days and the days of also snorkeling and free diving and seeing how long you could last underwater on one breath. We got some sun and I got a little burnt but not too bad. How I miss the our weather is iffy around here. I hope the summer weather isn't quite over yet.

My hubby did something to the computer when he tried to download something and now the computer keeps popping up messages and is running really slow. I was amazed I could still get on the internet. I guess a trip to the computer shop is in order. I really hate it when the computer does this. We have the antivirus software but it seems it can't protect us from everything.

My intership is done for the summer so that is a big relief. Now I'm just getting ready for him to go to school and doing the yearly dentist and doctor's visits. I really wanted to stay an extra day on vacation but I knew I had things waiting for me back home. Got the post vacation blues today, I guess. ha. Hope you are all doing well and hope to get around to see what you all are up to!!

Friday, August 08, 2008

just feeling burned out

Sorry! Haven't been around the blogosphere much. I've been overworked and underpaid and too damn tired. Oh yeah, I don't get paid as I'm an intern. sucks. I am learning new things about xray and fluoro (barium studies, injections and the like) so that's all good. Maybe I'll get a bit of money this fall when I can work a little if I can fit it in with all the studying/school and interning.

I'm just counting down one more week till I get a break and then I will go camping like I talked about last time. I've been filling my extra time at night with getting a birthday party planned for my son and filling out paper and the like for his new school and daycare this fall. I'm really gonna miss the Christian school he was going to last year....he really learned a lot. So on to 1st grade at the public school and hope he likes it.

We did go to my parent's cabin last weekend but I forgot to take photos. I'm so slack lately. My hubby did do a race down there so here's a pic of him and our son so at least I remembered the camera then. My hubby wouldn't like this pic as he's acting goofy for sure. Oh well, don't think he reads this blog.

I'll try to take some photos when we do our camping trip. I like when you all take photos of where you go or what you do so I'll try to share.

We have our 17th wedding anniversary tomorrow!!!!'s a wonder we made it this far. Ha! No, just kidding. Maybe we'll go out to dinner somewhere but no big plans just to spend time with our son as he's been at Grandma's a lot.

Tell me what you are up to out there....and I'll get to your blogs here this weekend....and take care.

P.S. Anybody got any remedies for heel pain? I know it's from working on my feet full time and I'm trying different shoes but no luck so far. Anybody have ortho inserts made and do they work? I may have to go to the foot doctor as it doesn't seem I'm going to drop 50 pounds real quick. ha.

Another note!!! Does anyone know what happenned to Amanda from Australia and living in the Netherlands (I think) from 'what about your hips' blog?? Maybe she went private or doesn't blog anymore?? Miss that girl and if you are reading.....tell me how you are doing!!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

staying positive

Trying to stay positive this week though my work brings me down some days. Just too much criticism and negativity. I refuse to go is so much better when you concentrate on what is going right in your life rather than what is going wrong, don't ya think? That's my new motto anyway.

We went up to Seattle today and went to the top of the space needle. My son hasn't been up there and I wanted him to see it. Think it is 550 feet tall and it has a great view of Seattle and of the ocean/puget sound. Here's an old picture of it as I forgot the darn camera in the car....dangit.

I plan on going to the cabin this weekend and will take some pics then....just 3 more weeks left of interning this summer. I was surprised that the supervisor at my clinic said she may want me to work part time this fall after my interning hours. So, maybe I can finally make a little money out of this xray thing. We'll see....gotta always figure out about daycare and the like. I'm counting down the 3 weeks as we will go on a mini vacation and go camping back at Lake Chelan and maybe a side trip to Winthrop....a cute little western themed town as my sister has a cabin there so wouldn't cost us much. Here's an old photo of the town.

I'm looking out the back yard and some deer have starting hanging out in the fields in the distance and just saw a coyote too. There isn't much forest left with all the housing developments going up around here but nice to see the wildlife though they are prob. hungry.

Hope you all have a great week and keep it real. Oh yeah, wt watcher this week....I haven't been in a while but will go soon.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

super power

Your Superpower Should Be Mind Reading
You are brilliant, insightful, and intuitive.
You understand people better than they would like to be understood.
Highly sensitive, you are good at putting together seemingly irrelevant details.
You figure out what's going on before anyone knows that anything is going on!

Why you would be a good superhero: You don't care what people think, and you'd do whatever needed to be done

Your biggest problem as a superhero: Feeling even more isolated than you do now">What Should Your Superpower Be?

funny little trivia thing here to share.....saw it at Flo's place (step away from the cake) blog. Funny, some of this above does fit my personality, ha!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

longing for the ocean

I don't know but today....I'm longing for the ocean. Maybe it's cause I'm a pisces, maybe cause I just love the water....but I wanted to go down to the ocean and I didn't. I made the choice for the day up to my son and he wanted a play date at his friends so that's what we did.

He went up to Grandma's tonight as we've been doing every week of my intership and my hubby and I were going through Seattle and I saw Lake Union and the ocean in the distance....and still we didn't stop. It was getting late. Ah, but I will get to the ocean...maybe tomorrow after work...there is a ocean not far away...maybe I'll take a detour for my soul, ha. Something about the water makes me calm and let's me forget my troubles.

But, the good news is that I did have some fun yesterday when I met up with fellow students in my xray program and we talked shop and shared our good and bad stories of our internship. I'm glad I'm meeting some wonderful women and men in this program as we are getting close as we spend so much time together these two years in this program, or more like 3 or 4 years for the prerequisites. It's nice to commiserate and talk to others that are going thru the same things, it helps a heep.

I was reading a blog from a link of someone else's blog....think his name is Whit and he was writing about an uneasy feeling he was having and about not feeling like where he lives is home. And also, that the uneasy feeling is unhappiness. I know just what he is feeling. I feel that too....and just made me think of all the steps I need to do to get my future career/school completed and then probably a move to a new city is in order. We will stay in Washington but definitely I'm getting a strong feeling I need to move and my hubby is up for it too. We'll see what the future brings. Now, I hope the economy/house market will cooperate in a year or more. ha.

Other than that, went to "The Hulk" this weekend and it was pretty good. What I really wanted to see was the new Batman movie. Maybe we'll see it this week as I heard it was good. I spent 1/2 of Saturday using the weed eater and helping out in the yard....just made me want to move to a condo with no yard work. ha ha...... What did all of you do this weekend?? Anything fun? Hope you have a good week. I can't wait to go camping in 4 weeks and get away for a while but for now...back to grindstone of work.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

the student dilemma

One of the things that has been weighing on my mind lately at my internship, which I started in January, is how people treat other people. I've felt that I've always tried to be kind to others, almost to a fault sometimes and not getting my needs met. Anyway, when I meet someone that treats others callously without too much regard for their feelings, I just don't understand it.

The problem for me as a student/intern is to stay out of the fray. To stay out of office gossip as I'm just there to learn. It has been hard sometimes. But, now over the past few months there is one lady at work that just gets under my skin. She'll be overly critical and say things like 'you need more self confidence' and you 'need to develop a thick skin'. Now she has moved on to personal she just knows where to jab. Like 'you seem unhappy?' or 'don't you like yourself'? I'm thinking 'what the frick?' what is she talking about. I've always done my job and by my evaluation I am doing well and got an A- last quarter and keep my personal life separate from work. So anyway, this lady is trying to get to me and being a student I can't speak up for myself...I feel like I have to take it and take it. Now, she isn't a teacher of mine or grading me but sometimes she jumps into the mix and wants to instruct me.

So anyway, I got peeved that she is trying to dig into my personal life and I talked to another person at work on how to handle the situation or deal with said person and the person I talked to in confidence went to the supervisor on her own. This morning the supervior talked with me and said it was not ok that how this tech was treating me and to steer clear of her. And, she wants to talk to the tech about it. God, this has gotten so out of hand....I guess I couldn't keep quiet anymore as I'm stressing about this even on weekends. And, even worse, the supervisor wants to talk to my school coordinator about the situation too. Damned if you do...damned if you don't it feels like. I'm interning at this site until December and I have to survive....I mean my mental health. So in the end, I guess it will get her off my back but she prob. hates me and will talk behind my back...and that's so not what I need but it's too late now. It sooooooooooo reminds me of high school and meeting that one 2 faced bitch you know is out to hurt you. They say they are trying to help you but I don't see it that way at all. I'm usually a good judge of character and I pegged this one from the beginning.

Anyway just venting....cause I can't get into all of it. I consider myself an easy going person so for someone to get under my skin is a rare thing. Usually, it's about them....about how they were treated as a child or what? Why would she want to dig into my life. I'm trying to be like a duck....and just let water slide off my usually works but it's not working now.

So I hope your week is going better than mine. At least my hubby got home safe and sound from Alaska and that is a plus. I need to concentrate on what is really important in my life. Don't sweat the small stuff.....but sometimes the small stuff really adds up. bright note....did go to wt watchers and down -2.6. Let's see if I can keep it up.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

boobs are like magnets

Been out of the blogosphere for a while.....been busy with my interning/working and just tired every night!!

Had a great time at Lake Chelan last weekend. Wish I had some pictures and I brought my camera but noticed it was missing my digital chip/storage chip. Bummer! We had fun in the sun and just hanging with the family and going swimming.

I went shopping for a swimsuit the night before I left....and let me tell you it was pure torture. I'm sure some of you ladies will agree with me.....I hate trying on swimsuits!!! Especially if you aren't so svelte. I must have tried on 20 and finally found the basic black covered a lot except it let the ladies....yes the boobs hang out a bit. Let me tell you....well, why not flaunt them if you got them, right? I never seem too but I guess they were last weekend as I got some long stares from some of the gentlemen at the pool. Boobs are as good as magnets I guess. I made my mom and sis laugh when I told them that an old boyfriend long ago said, "you should share them with the world". ha ha. I felt a little self conscious but I thought, 'hey screw it, just live a little for once'.

In other news, think I'm down a few pounds but won't weigh in till tomorrow due to work and my back issues I was having and just not feeling like going 1/2 an hour over to the meeting when I'm tired.

Got some bad news yesterday that my father in law has colon cancer and is due for an operation. I hope it goes well but you never know about these things. I tried to get a hold of my hubby as he's up fishing in Alaska but the cell phone reception is really iffy on the high seas of Bristol bay. I finally did connect with him to give him the news but maybe I should have waited till he comes home but I think time is of the essence with such news.

Other than that.....just hanging in and doing some things I need to do to stay healthy, physically and emotionally. What are you up to these days bloggers??????

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

going to chelan and thoughts on pain

Two more days of work and then I am heading for Lake Chelan! It is in eastern Washington and is a nice spot to go and enjoy the sun and the water and just mellow out and get away from the big city.

Here's a picture of it from last year: will be nice....I need to get away from it all....even if only for a few days!

It's been a sucky week since Sunday as I strained my back really bad. Have any of you out there done that? Think it's one of the muscles on the upper part of the sacrum/pelvis. Have you ever strained it so bad that it's tough to just get out of bed?? Yeah, that's where I found myself Sunday night. And the hubby has went to Alaska and my mom has my son. I was thinking....god, what if I just couldn't get up to go to the bathroom....I kept trying to get up and it felt like 10 knives were stabbing me in the back. I had images of me in 40 years from now and old and decrepid and in pain. this what it's like to get old. Share with me any and all back injuries and how you dealt with them. I tried ibuprofen, icyhot (lotion stuff), ice and Doan's pain pills. Nothing seemed to work but the pain pills knock you out a bit with a sleep aid in them. God, never been in this much pain since I had a baby....that was worse of course. I have a feeling that this isn't the end of my back pain as once you injure your back people tell me it just reoccurs. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy.

Well, the pain is easing up after a few days but I still can't get comfortable sitting or laying down.....argghhhh. I'll be the first woman to invent a way to sleep while standing up. ha.

On a brighter note, leave me a note and tell me what you are up to for 4th of July weekend! It should be fun.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

my dogs are barking!

Just trying to survive the week as I'm interning full time, 40 hours per week. My dogs are barking, my feet are so achy. I'm not used to being on my feet all the days of the week. It sure is harder than a desk job like I used to have.

I need to drop weight quick to help me with this job. I'm doing well as far as doing my compentencies/testing and should complete them next week. I like to get all the testing out of the way as I'm there for 8 weeks this summer and don't want to worry about having my xray/tests done.

I was thinking.....why do we blog??? Why do you blog??? Even if I don't have many readers, I think I blog cause I enjoy the interaction from you out there in blogland. I think it helps as years ago I moved out to the country and away from friends and family so it helps somehow. But why do we put in the work of documenting our is a lot of work. Just a way to connect with others I guess.

Talk to ya later as I'm tired and don't feel like blogging......I did join wt watchers again so we'll see what Monday's weigh in brings.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Daveattle blog meet up!

I did go to the Daveattle blog meet up last night in Seattle. I'm glad I went, it was fun to meet you all! I have to admit that I was really nervous and that my stomach was in knots. And for what? You all were very friendly and wonderful people. I'll share some pictures of the blog meet up and I had a chance to meet Dave, Sizzle and her fella, Nicole, Tracy, Dustin, Matt and Scott, Vahid, Kristin, Bryan and Chris. Think that was everyone...... That's me in the black shirt with the blondish hair.....we did a few tatoo's but didn't get too crazy.....

I'm a little worse for the wear...I drank a little too much and got a little goofy like I do when I drink. It prob. wasn't too wise to drive and I stopped on the way home for a break and caffeine. Let's just say I rarely have more than 1 or 2 drinks so when I have more.....ha. Now I'm looking for all your blogs to add to my favorites as you'll have a new reader.....

Thought I'd post now as I have to go up north to Mt. Vernon to meet my sister for her bday dinner and give the kid to my mom as I'm back to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to the 2 hour, 30 min drive each way and being back late at night but I have to do the family thing.

Well Dave, now you've created a blogger groupie and I'll have to go to Tequila con next year, well we'll see. I've got too many pictures from last I'll put the rest of them on the side bar in my flickr page....

It would be nice to meet all you other bloggers out there!!! But I know it is near impossible as some of you live in Australia and New Zealand....but ya never know, I've always wanted to dive the Great Barrier Reef.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

guard your heart and your mind

Back to the weight loss....yeah, I'm always starting again....but at least I keep trying. Here's a wt loss story to share
I would like to be like this lady....we have similar wt loss goals. I am going back to wt watchers on Monday after work. I think I'm finally ready to do this. ha.

Well, I talked a little of doing the therapy type stuff and though I don't go into a lot of details on why I feel like I need to go I'll share some from time to time. One thing I'm working on is self esteem and body image. He (therapist) was talking about some things from the bible....he's real religious...and one thing he said is 'not to sit in judgement of others' as that would be acting like God. I said I try not to judge others but I judge myself. He said we are the most critical of ourselves. He said to 'guard my heart and my mind' from negative thoughts about myself. If you hear that old familiar voice saying something negative about body size or just other things you are not liking about yourself just stop it in it's tracks. Don't let it into your heart or mind or you will poison the well. I'm sure he's talking about think positive thoughts. Say daily affirmations that are positive about yourself....keep saying them. It's that whole cognitive behaviour type stuff. I know it probably works but I seem to have trouble with this one. I was never one to put up positive signs and say them. Sure, I've put up thinner pics of myself and tryed to motivate myself that way. A year or so back I read 'you can heal your life' or something to that affect and it talked all about this kind of approach I just never adapted it. Not sure why I'm having trouble....just sometimes it seems kind of cheesy but I know there is something to it.

I'm going to the blog greet and meet tonight in Seattle. I prob. only know about 2 bloggers....and don't know them very well but for some reason I feel a need to go and meet these people. I'm nervous though as I always am sometimes with new people. I guess a drink or 2 will be in order to get me talking. ha! I'm sure it will be a fun time. I was dissapointed that my friend, Kim, who was going as my wing man (so to speak) probably can't make it. I was looking forward to seeing her as I have been missing my monthly ladies get togethers (the old high school friends).

I start my interning again full time on Monday. I'm feeling a bit apprehensive for some reason as I know it will be a long summer of working and I have a lot of tests, called competencies to do to prove I can do certain x-rays. It will be challenging. Also, my mom will be helping care for my son so I'll be missing him the days he's up at my mom's (3 hours away) but they will be here from time to time and I get him on the weekends. I hope he is going adjust to the schedule these next 8 weeks. God knows it'll save me a ton on babysitting money.

We went to my parent's cabin the last few days. Only 3 of use went as everyone was busy's a few pic of my son, he's really getting the hang of kayaking.

Also, here' a pic of our toyroom...well someday it will be the living room...and why do we have a tent put up? We got a tent cheap at the REI sale and we have plans to go camping this summer so my hubby and son were anxious to put it up an try it out.

Tell me what you are up to in blogland this summer!?!! I've lost a lot of readers so comment if you stop by. Not like I have much interesting stuff to blog about but I like the interaction of all you bloggers! Have a great weekend!

Monday, June 16, 2008

The weekend

Thx for the comments on the last post. I know it's normal to have thoughts such as those and on to the next thing. I'm so over that today and feeling pretty good but maybe some things are better left as thoughts in my head, right? And, yeah, I pulled the post as it made me nervous....ha. Those of you that read it, read it and prob. a lot of you didn't catch it and that might be a good thing. ha.

It does wonders for my mood to be around all my family for the weekend. We had 2 graduation for my neice (from middle sister) and nephew (of my oldest sister). Ya, that's right I'm the baby of the family.

Here's some pics of the grads. My neice in pink and my nephew is the tall one in blue with the wild hair. He loves to play guitar in a rock band, ha! It is unbelievable that these kid are all grown up...and going on to college.I remember when my nephew was a baby was the year that I met my husband. Wow, how time flies.
Congratulations graduates!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week is my week off from school, so it's time for more house cleaning and then we are off to ride bikes and go to the park. I have some meetings/therapy type stuff tomorrow and then on Wednesday I think me and my boy and my mom and whoever else will go to their cabin. I need time away from this house this week as I'm bored already. Maybe my grades are out from the last quarter...but I'm pretty sure I got A's and B's.

I'm also working of a photo thing for my friend Dawn's (who passed on from cancer) daughter who will be 11. I hope she likes it...just some photos of Dawn and her daughter together and photos from the past. I called down to check on how their lives were going and I got the answering still had my friend's voice on it. It made me sad as hearing her voice cause it made me feel like she was still alive....maybe they can't bear to erase it if they don't have a recording of her voice...I couldn't blame them. I was wishing that I still had a voice mail message from her last year congratulating me on the tri race and how proud she was of me. I wish I found a way to record/keep that. Ugggghhhhh. I'm still sad about losing her but of course it gets better with each passing month.

I had a little time in my hometown growing up (which is on Whidbey Island). It really is a beautiful place up near the San Juan Islands and had some time to meet 2 old friends, one for breakfast and one for coffee. I liked seeing them both as it is far and few between that I get up that way. I had thoughts of moving up there someday after I get done with college (it's about 3 hours north of where I live) but my hubby shot down that idea. I guess it's not practical as there aren't that many jobs but who knows what the future will bring.

I'm posting a lot more this week as I have more free time I'll post about weight loss I suppose or about the online bloggers I will meet next week if all goes well. I didn't realize I might have to celebrate my sis's bday on the same day as the blogger meet up but I'll swing it somehow.

Have a great week!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Had a good time in San Francisco

It was a quick trip to San Fran for the race. Here's a few pics of Alcatraz, my hubby and son and the infamous, Golden gate bridge. I didn't like the photo of me so it doesn't go up. ha! It gives me motivation to work out this week and start losing again. It was a good trip but only the weekend so we didn't get much time for site seeing but oh well. We got to see a lot of my hubby's family who live in Cali and he enjoyed that a lot. The weather was sunny and gorgeous and in the 70's so we liked that as our weather sucks here in Washington lately.
(Look at the pic of my hubby running....see the girl in the green top....she was the youngest to do the race (think age 11)....think my hubby beat her as she started the swim before him as they go out in waves/groups....but wow....this girl will be something if she keeps up these tri's!)

I just got done with my finals! Yes! I've been so stressed out and getting only 5 hours a sleep the last 4 days due to cramming for the tests and being out of town last weekend. Oh well, I'll try not to do that next time as it's too hard and I had to live on coffee lately. I've been getting those calf area cramps as too much caffeine I think!

This weekend is the graduation parties for my neice and nephew for each of my sister's kids. Should be fun. I got a chance to go up by Seattle/Lynnwood today and had a chance to meet with an old friend as I was picking up my boy from my mom. He's already done with kindergarten so we are starting on our summer vacation (mine is only 10 days, till next quarter!) but we will find some fun stuff to do like go to the zoo and do play dates.

Other than that.....I'm just beat and will take a rest on the couch if I can. (didn't happen as my boy wanted to ride bikes). Hope you all are doing well and comment, k??? Let me know if you are still out there in blogland....ha.

(Oh yeah, this is for you, Dave of blogography...though I don't think you read this blog....yeah, it's the Hard Rock that you like. We actually didn't go in there as we were meeting people at the restaurant down the way called wipeout.)

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Excited to get out of town

Excited to get out of town to San Fran. this weekend. My hubby is getting really excited about his race/triathalon on Sunday by Alcatraz. I hope there are no sharks! I doubt it but you wouldn't see them coming if they were there. He's ready and fully trained that's for sure.

I'm stressing a bit as finals are Tuesday and Wednesday next week (yuck physics!) and I'm trying to pre-study as much as I can as I know I won't get much done in CA cause the inlaws and family will be there and watching the race and site seeing. But, I'll try on the plane but you know how it is if you have kids around....they want your attention but we'll see.

My last day of the quarter for clinical/interning is tomorrow so I'm happy I will have a short break from that. Can't wait till Thursday next week when all I have to worry about is keeping my son entertained as he will be out of school. Summer quarter will start soon enough on the 23rd but at least it will be a short breather. And also, it's like full time work...the interning (summer) will be 40 hours per week for 8 weeks doing xray but at least no homework that I'm aware of. That will start up again in September with the rotation of school and interning different days.

I'll try to take some photos of the city and of the race and post next week. I'll prob. take your advice and meet up with online bloggers it's just that I have so much going on right now...have graduation parties to go to and things with friends but we'll see. Have a great week!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Last weekend

Here's a few pictures from last weekend. Some from the ocean/puget sound down by the city of Tacoma. My triathalon man did some swimming and we just played around the beach. Then the one of my son going in the water is from the cabin that we go to sometimes. He said "mom, watch me do a backflip!" And this was the result. Ha ha. He's funny.

We had a good weekend even though the weather was mediocre but it wasn't too bad on Saturday. Not good enough to swim but that doesn't stop my boy, he swims in any weather. He's getting pretty good at fishing too.

Well, as usual this isn't much of a wt loss blog so I'll just keep blogging about whatever comes to mind. I'm still going to wt watchers but not losing much. I've been stressed with finals coming up soon and with my clinical intership as well and going to meetings/therapy type stuff so my head is not in the right place I think.

We are looking forward to going to CA on the 6th for my hubby's big race so we're looking forward to that. Just trying to figure out how to study for finals in the great city of San Francisco and visit with my inlaws and sister's in law. Near impossible I suppose. I'll try on the plane I guess.

A question to pose to you all.....If you had a chance to meet online bloggers, would you?? Have you ever?? I'm thinking of going to Seattle to meet a few in June but not sure. My hubby says 'isn't it best that with blogging you don't really meet the people?' I think he means that your free to share info without having to meet face to face or you're incognito. I don't know. What do ya'all think?

Friday, May 23, 2008

Feeling a sense of relief

Feeling a sense of relief as this has been a bitch of a week! Two tests, one in physics and did my speech and turned in my 7 page paper. Woooohooo! On to the 3 day weekend!!!

Gotta it's Friday and my hubby....weird as this sounds....wants me to go watch him swim in the ocean down near Tacoma waterfront!!! I said I'd watch him so he doesn't drown or get bit by sharks. ha! His triathlon in San Fran. is just 2 weeks and 2 days away. I'll try to find my camera and take a picture though the weather looks like rain, yuck.

By the way....tried the Massage Envy place I was talking about. I had a gift card from Mother's day for a massage. It was good! I called and they said Manuel will be your massage therapist. I was thinking 'maybe I need a woman'. ha! I've only had one massage in my life. I walk in and there is this tall, muscly black man who said he was from Nigeria. Yow! He was pretty good though but I thought he pressed too hard. I like the relaxation massage compared to the deep tissue that's for sure. Now I'll try not to wait 2 years before having that's how long it has been since my first one. Now I'm having fantasies of the rich life....where I could get massages weekly if not daily....workouts with a trainer....a chef in the kitchen and a cleaning person and a pool out back.....ahhhhhh, if only.

Have a great 3 day weekend if you have it off!!!! I wish our weather was nice like last weekend.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

what's your thoughts on self esteem

This week is going ok. Been too busy for my own good with tests and now a paper due Friday and a big speech to give! I really hate public speaking but it is a small group. I did it last quarter and I survived and suppose I will this time too. I'm just feeling I don't know the subject matter as much as last time so I'll read some more before then and make note cards or something. It only has to be 10-15 minute speech.....wonderful.

Today, I am thinking about self esteem. First, I was thinking of it as I was reading Hilly's post at about how people make self-depreciating remarks about themselves. Maybe as a way to joke or maybe as a way to protect themselves from whatever comment they may make to hurt you. I was also thinking of this cause at my clinical site where I intern for my future career they said a while ago "have more confidence". Yeah, I guess, I feel that I could use more confidence but I feel I'll get it when I get used to doing more xray and especially after the summer when I'm interning 5 times/week that quarter. So, anyway, I was suprised when I was talking to my teacher, well really the tech at work that is one of them who is teaching me and we were talking about the hospital where I might be assigned to next year. I said there is XY hospital that I don't want due to the reputation. Now this hospital has so many stories from people I know and people I've heard of that have gotten mistreated there and so much negative people there so that's why I don't want it. My teacher/tech say "yeah, I hope you don't get it cause with you self confidence, blah wouldn't be a good fit for you" Something to that effect. Anyway, can't remember if she said self-confidence or what but it made me think. that how she really sees me as a student? I suppose so or she wouldn't have said it. Is this something I can change? This lady did her interning at said hospital and hated it. So, anyway, I was thinking, that I will have loads more confidence in my abilities by January when I switch intern sites. I guess, I felt a little down as I felt like she was saying that I'm not a confident person. Maybe I'm not but I feel like I am in certain areas and not so much in other areas as I was talking about it previous posts of mine.

Anyway, what's your thought on this? Is confidence related to self esteem? Can you change something like that about yourself? Have any of you done that? I think I can in relation to the school and interning as it's a high learning curve and I always feel like I'm on edge and you get lots of critisicm. It's just the way it is to learn the profession.

And I was thinking....when I was younger, I had more confidence, more self esteem. It seems when my weight crept up and I had some other problems in my life, I took a beating. I changed a bit. I don't like it now that I think about it. Here's hoping I can get back to who I once was.

Anyway.....some days I wish I were someone else. And other days I think I'm fine just the way I am. In the wt loss front, I'm holding steady and no progress this week. I'm going to the gym here soon with my son and hope to get some kind of workout. Talk to ya later.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Had a loss

Had a loss this week at wt watchers....down -2.4! So I was happy with that. I don't think I totally followed the plan as I have so much other stuff going on but I've been sick and not felt like eating as much. So since ww weighs you in with your clothes I'll just keep my weight the same on the side bar as my scale says 225. I can't wait to see it go down further.

I had to get my spring fat pants down. I remember last year I was lighter and was going to throw these certain capri pants away and, I better keep them. As I was throwing away all my fatter clothes. Ha, now I'm glad I kept them.

I'm in a better mood than earlier this week. The counseling is hard as you really have to bare your soul and that makes me very emotional. But, I'm hoping it's therapeutic too. My doc gave me a questionnaire, let's call it a personality test. I hate these things....questions like 'are you kind to animals?', 'do you like mechanic books?', 'Do you ever feel like killing yourself?' Oh brother, I don't think these test tell anything. Yeah, it will prob. come out that I'm a little depressed and that my self esteem isn't as good as it can be. But, it's hard to answer some questions as True or False cause I have self esteem in some areas of my life, like school and work/interning but in other areas like body issues I don't. Anyway, not sure if he is the therapist for me....

I was reading some where that people with depression have a tendency to think about things going wrong in their lives or times when people have mistreated them and mull them over and over and it just makes them more depressed. What do you think of that theory? Could be some truth to it.

Well, I gotta get going I need to type out a 5 page paper, read 4 chapters and get to my dad's cabin to work! I don't have the time! Stress, much? yes a lot! Hope you are all doing well on your healthy journeys this week! We are supposed to get 82 degree weather today....wooooohooooooooo!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Working on some issues

Just working through some issues these last few weeks. The money issues, self esteem issues, the weight, the depression.

I've taken a really hard, long, look at myself and feel like I'm coming out of a long coma and can finally see myself as I really am. It's taken me a long time to come to this point. Let's just say I've hit rock bottom this year and there is no way but up.

Without going into all the details and getting you all involved up in all my crap, let's just say I'm doing some group therapy these past 2 weeks and will start individual therapy tomorrow. I'm feeling loads better already. I think it's finally time to really think about some of what I've been fighting with has been depression. We'll see after I talk some with the therapist.

But, this is just one part of me. The other parts are functioning well. Being a good mom, wife, and daughter. Keeping up with the studies and doing well at college. It's all good there. It's just myself I'm not happy with. It's just myself I need to work on. To really see yourself as you are and not what who other people think you are. Maybe I've been keeping up a good circus...keeping all the balls in the air? Maybe I've been hiding my feeling and keeping the mask on. If you know what I mean.

Yeah, heavy stuff to deal with. But, I'm feeling hope that this is a way to get me back. A way to get healthy again. Maybe a way to get back to God. My spiritual side has been lagging for years and years and I find myself missing that aspect of myself.

The weight part, I don't think it's doing that well. I don't know, I'll weigh in tomorrow at wt watchers. It seems I'm concentrating on others issues now and this gets on the back burner due to being busy and too much on my plate. But, I've been sick this week with a cold as the kid seems to get everything at school and I get it too. Hope it's over soon!!

Hope everyone had a nice mom's day!! I did and got to see my mom and also got a gift certificate for a massage from my hubby. That's going to be I just have to find some time to go, can't wait! Hope you are all doing well this week.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Thoughts on wt wtchers and on the IE book

I am thinking of going back to wt watchers here soon. I don't know, I'm conflicted. It does help me to stay on track to be accountable to someone about weighing in and hear encouraging words from a program/meetings such as this.

I had been reading the IE (Intuitive Eating) book and do like what they have to say. Here's a bit:

Respect your body

Body image: a waist is a terrible thing to mind

"Most of our clients are adept at being overly critical or hating their bodies. And putting an end to body worry and self-loathing is no easy task. Most of us have trouble accepting a compliment, let alone the idea of accepting our bodies. We have found that the notion of accepting your body was too much of a stretch for our clients as a beginning point. They feared that if they accepted their current body size, it would mean complacency, giving up, and getting bigger. It's one thing to lose the battle of the buldge, they'd say, but to totally give up would mean ultimate failure. At least there is honor and dignity in continuing the fight."

later the authors say....

"stop body bashing" such as "I hate my thighs" or "I have a double chin". Try to find something that you do like about your body even if it is only one thing such as your eyes or your feet. They also talk about what is a realistic weight to get to for your body type. Maybe it is above your ideal.

I'll talk about it more later as I gotta go pick up my kid from school.....
Have a great week. I'm doing pretty good this week!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Like this quote

I like this quote:

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”

I need to remember that in my times of challenges lately. There is always something positive in every negative situation. This is my time for a change in myself and a change in my life. I've taken steps to ease my financial burden and also made an appointment to talk to a counselor....really a therapist. I hope it will help, I have a feeling it will. Sometimes, we get so busy in our lives and when we get problems we don't talk to people about them. I know this is a flaw in myself and then it just ends up eating at me....the stress, the issues. I want to be a happier person like I used to be. I hope this step will be the first of many for me to feel better about things, about myself.

I think it will help with my weight loss too. I'm feeling like I can do this again...make some progress even though the scale is stuck at the same weight this week. It is just temporary!!! I'm going to get a bit of workout in later today at the gym.

Let me know how you are doing this week! I have hope this week and that is a good thing.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Cannot sleep....

I'm going through some personal stuff. Debt that I talked of before. Having nothing to say here...but I'll try. So I can't sleep I'm up at 2:30am and can't get back to sleep. So, I surf the net. I'm looking for a part time job. I'm trying to figure out how to get myself out of a hole we have dug...a big hole.

I'm trying to stay motivated to keep up with my studies and do well at my internship as well as be a good mom, wife, friend. Some days, it seem like all too much. Sometimes, I feel like there is a crushing weight around me and closing in. Not so good times. Hard to find moments of happiness. What was a good thing is my husband and I talked and layed everything out on the table. No more burrying our troubles and not talking about the sad reality of our finances. We will explore options to try to get out of credit debt. We really don't want to have to sell the house, the cars and everything. Would it be worth it? Would the cost be to great? Can we live on less until I finish school? I knew it would be the nature of the beast to live minimally for a while until I finished college. But, I wasn't expecting to rack up so much debt. Can't really share all of it with you and I prob. even shouldn't write about it but it's weighing heavily on my mind.

The bright spot is my family loves me. The other advantage is I will have a new career in a year or 16 months with maybe a chance to work sooner in the field. I know I have it within me to finish this school even though it is extremely stressful to me right now and I am on edge. Even though this school is one continous lesson is getting constructive criticism. That is hard, really hard to take. It is the nature of the beast. This program has a high learning curve....they throw you right into x-ray and expect you to perform. I'm doing pretty well though and can only get better and my academics are good.

I think what is weighing me down is all the time it takes. All the time I must spend studying. All the time worrying about our mounting debt. We'll figure it out and hopefully get some of the debt paid off. We will start with garage sales and selling what we can on Ebay. Maybe sell one car and share it if we can. We will try to borrow funds to pay off high interest rates as they are eating us up. Last resort will be to sell the house. And even then, will it sell in this economy? Probably would take a long, long while as it's a slow market.

Anyway, not really wanting to share all of this but it helps to write it down. So, if I'm not around my blog much you know why. This week is really hard but something I must own up to. One highlight is that I'm not gaining any has lost it's allure for now.

I wish you all well and will still continue to visit when I can. This is had been a bad past year with everything going on in my life but I hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I've made a decision to talk to a therapist (if insurance pays) or a counselor at school about my issues as it's eating me up. Wish me luck on figuring this all out.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Finally it's going down

Finally the scale is starting to budge and take a downward turn. The scale says, down 2 pounds. I started my weight loss charts on the right here again. It was time to update them. It's time to be accountable. I haven't been dieting, per se, but I have been eating smaller portions and working out a bit. Though I still hate the # on the scale at least I have hope I will be in the teens soon... we'll see. It has helped that I've been tight on money the past 2 weeks and that has made me not eat out or go to Starbucks or anything. That has helped tremendously. But, I can't help but feel a bit on edge cause I can't go get that latte when I want. This living paycheck to paycheck really sucks. I'm still looking for a part time job but no luck yet. I wonder if I can work in addition to my school and interning and find time for family and studying. I have to study a lot.

I feel so much better than this morning. I was feeling a bit down but went to the gym and did a long walk on the track and did weight lifting. It feels good to be weight lifting again....I actually have missed it. We will go to the gym again after my son gets out of school as he likes to play basketball there, well really just shoot hoops as he's only 6. I've got him back into swimming lessons again so he's liking that.

I was going to take some pictures of the puget sound/ocean down not too far from where I live but it's raining again! The weather is cold here and it seems like the beginning of winter instead of spring like it should be. yuck.

So, I'm off to study my digital radiology stuff and anatomy. Fun, fun but gotta do it. Leave me a message and tell me how you are doing!

Here's a goofy thing going around the net....'what your slogan should be'. Here's mine...ha!

Your Slogan Should Be

What Happens in Patty, Stays in Patty

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I have a vision

I have a vision of myself. I see her going around the track at the gym. She is fit, slender and really really healthy. I see this vision in my mind. Of what I could be, of what I used to be, of what I want to be. Sometimes I am on my way to becoming this other woman but then I sideline myself. Why do I do that? I've thought of this often and I don't know why. How can we want something so much but fail to achieve it? Hard question to answer. I guess I think of this every time I'm at the gym and seeing all the fit people running,

Just feeling like I want to so much and can't achieve it as far as getting to a healthy weight. I seem to be more concentrated on my career/schooling at the moment. I did get in some exercise at the gym yesterday so that's something, I guess. I'm really tired of thinking about my body size and all that it's not. Exhausting to be constantly on my mind. Seems it would be enough to get me to achieve my goals? Guess not, or we all would be thin.

I have a vacation at xmas time and I want to be a lot fitter by then. Wrote a post the other day below. Just feeling a little out of sorts today and off to study the facial bones, postions for xrays and my physics. yuck. Not what I want to do today but I goofed off yesterday as it was our first sunny day in a long time and felt like spring for once.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Trying to destress

It's the end of the week, thank god! It was a busy week with my clinical work and I'm getting better at doing xrays. I am doing good on my testing (they test you on each different body part/xray) and I have a certain number of them to do each quarter. I'm hoping to get more into fluoro this quarter which is learning all about the the small bowel, barium enema, esophogram and other studies as I need to complete one this quarter. I also have to do a paper on Bone density this quarter! I don't know that much about it so it will take a lot research. I can watch a lady at work do one here soon, hopefully.

Anyway, my most challenging class is physics again. Sometimes it is just so hard to understand. The book sucks and if I read it I still don't know it. The teacher's lectures are a bit better but sometimes he fails to relate it in laymen's terms. I'll just keep plugging away.

I did get in some exercise, just some walking and elliptical machine. I hope to get in more exercise tomorrow and some yoga if I have time. I would like to do something fun but we are tight on money as I'm still paying my tuition for college in payments and that's killing our fun money. It sucks to think about every $20 you spend. I can't wait till I'm done and making money. I am looking for a part-time job on the weekends but haven't been too motivated. ha! I guess I worry that I won't have enough time to study and to spend time with my family. But having little money really sucks even more. We'll see if I can get an interview doing some secretarial stuff or clerical at the local hospital on the weekends or find something, anything around here.

I also need to have some money for our June trip to San Francisco for food and a little fun. At least the ticket and hotel are paid for. We'll see if we can save a bit but it seems impossible at the moment as we have a lot of bills. Credit cards are made from the devil. ha. And they take forever to pay off.

I'm eating pretty good except for yesterday this lady at work brought in lemon bars and it was a huge pan and I indulged quite a bit. They were too good!

We finally got some sun up here in Washington and I was just out washing my car. It feels like for months we have had rain and gray skies and it felt like Alaska here. I'm so glad to see the sun. It's amazing how it improves my mood.

Tell me what you are up to this week and I'll come check out your blogs here soon.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

back to being real busy

Been too busy to post this week. I'm back in the fray and back to the stress. So much for working out consistently this week as it's been a bitch of a week. I'm getting a lot of stress from my internship and they are pushing to do more and more. I'm dealing with it but I seem miles and miles from last week's spring break. I'm already counting down the days and weeks till the quarter ends. ha.

I am going to walk tomorrow and get in some exercise over the weekend. But, I have a heck of a lot of studying to do as I have to learn all the tiny bones in the head and there are lots with a gazillion terms to learn. Not looking forward to it.

I think I need a new attitude and off to do an assignment for tomorrow. I have had a break as my mom is watching my son for a few days as it's spring break for him. I'll go get him tomorrow as I really miss my kiddo!

The weight has stayed the same for my weigh in. I was down 2 lbs but it must have been those fries the other night and not much exercise this week and I'm still the same wt. Darn it!
I hope you all are doing well this week and I'll check out your blogs soon.

Friday, March 28, 2008

automatic pilot

What I mean by automatic pilot is I feel that when I started this school is September (the full time part), I felt like I was going on automatic. I would eat, stress, eat, study and on and on. I quit working out and taking care of myself due to the stress, due to being down about the cancer that kills and all the sadness it brings. I wasn't thinking about the price I would have to pay for not being healthy anymore. The blood pressure is up and maybe I've done it to myself. I'm hoping to get off those meds when I lose a good amount of weight.

Now, today at the gym as I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things that automatic pilot is off. I see myself in the mirrors (at yoga yesterday) and I see myself in the window as I round the indoor track. It's a little painful see myself, to really see myself. The bulges and bumps, how far I've gotten off track again. To see 60 yr old men jogging past me. To realize I did this to myself. There is a plus side, I know. It's that I don't give up. It's that I have hope. To know that it is in my power to change!!

I feel like I've been numbing myself to a lot of things by having these fat layers on. It's time to take them off for good and deal with my emotions and reasons for keeping myself at this weight.

I took a day out for me today. To work out, to get a good book and read some before I have to start studying again next week. I'm going to watch a trashy movie from the libary before I have to get my son from school. We will then go back to the 'Y' (the gym) and go swimming or something. He's loving that we go to the gym all the time lately.

I did buy that book 'Intuitive Eating' and going to read more on that. I've also been reading books from the libary such as 'stop the cravings' and 'stop stuffing yourself'. Ha! The stop the cravings is a little interesting as it talks about eastern medicine and how it's the key to getting you off the diet roller coaster for good. It talks about different body types and how to eat. I'm open to anything so we'll see what this trainer/nutritionist is talking about. It's a little hard to follow but I'll read on some more. It's keeping me away from the junk food! I'm doing really well this week on eating. Probably has something to do with not eating out at all this week, except for one lunch with a friend for salad.

Hope everyone is having a good week and thanks for the comments. I'll be weighing in on Wednesdays and keeping a wt tally on the side bar next week. It'll keep me accountable.

(by the's freaky weather hear in washington state the last 2 days. It's been freaking snowing! It's supposed to be time for spring! We lost our power the other night and day for hours and hours....what the frick??? I'm in the weather vortex! I want to move to the sun!!! Yep, just's still snowing but in the 40's so it prob. won't stick!)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

emotional eating and getting off the roller coaster

The following is taken from 'Intuitive Eating' that people have recommended. I just read a little of the book and some of it resonated with me. Yes, I do emotionally eat. No, I usually don't stuff myself. Yes, I think it has something to do with avoiding things in my life and not dealing with it and eating for comfort or from stress. Here's some of what I read:

Some of the reasons for emotional eating:
sensory gratifications

Emotional trigger:
boredom and procrastination
bribery and reward
being connected...losing the reins
trust, anger and rage
stress anxiety
mild depression

How using food serves me vs. how if does a disservice to me
it tastes good vs. it makes me overweight
it's reliable - it's always there vs. my clothes don't fit
it soothes me vs. my cholesterol is high
it numbs my feelings vs. I'm numbed to the joys of life
it keeps me from feeling bored vs. I'm uncomfortable walking and exercising

Overeating is a red flag that something isn't right in your life.

Overeating can occur when your lifestyle become unbalanced with too many responsibilities and obligations, with too little time for pleasure and relaxation. Consequently, food is used to indulge, escape and relax (albeit briefly.)
When you find this happening, it may be a signal for you to reevaluate your life and find ways to put more balance into it. If you don't make these necessary changes, food remains important by filling an unmet need.

I think I will try to find this book at the libary or buy it as it's pretty cheap and I'm so tired of the dieting roller coaster and this is an alternative way to make peace with food while getting more active.

I have been working out this week and feeling better. I hope I can keep this up when school/work starts up next week! And as for the weight....ahhh, I am up, up, up. I was maintaining for a while at 219 but alas I'm at 227. Yikes! But, the good news is I'm back to eating well and exercising. I'm working out two times today, though it's at an easy level. I can't believe how far I've fallen again. My fitness if low again after being high last August and doing that race. I can't believe how much fitness level I've lost. The body does atrophy with not much use, that's for sure! Here's hoping I can keep exercise in my life forever instead of just for a season every year. So far I've exercised 5 times in the last week so that feels good.

I saw a mom today from my son's preschool last year. I haven't seen her since May and wow, she looked different. I asked her if she lost weight and she said 'yes, 30 pounds' and I said, 'I think I found it'. ha ha. Seriously, she looked awesome and I so want to feel that way again. I want to lose the weight and look good and be healthy and feel good about my body again. It will happen if I want it bad enough. I know it's about changing for good and that is the plan.

I have a few new pics on the side bar if you haven't seen them...just of my boy and hubby. Have a great week!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The pictures

Finally found the camera cord so can download the Easter photos....

These are of my boy with the golden egg which he was excited to find and one with his cousin's guitar. The teenage cousins are really into the guitars and one plays in a band. I was listening to them play and they are really good. They especially like the old tunes like Led Zepplin and Jimmy Hendrix among others. Always surprised they like the old stuff versus the stuff out now. Nice to hear.
Talk to ya later. I'm in the midst of cleaning my boy's room. It was a mess. (this pic in the room with guitar is his cousin, a about messy! But I was the same way at times.)