Friday, July 27, 2007
My emotions are all over the place
Having a down week. I don't know if it's the after effects of visiting Dawn or what. Maybe it's thinking about her cancer, maybe it's about my uncles' cancer. Maybe it's about hearing an old acquaintance (who's child went to preschool with my son) got into a serious car wreck in Idaho and is in critical condition. Her 3 children were killed. I don't know how anyone can go through that and want to live. I heard it through the grapevine of mommies and that her older child wasn't with her and at least was with her ex and was spared. There was also another lady in the car who used to be the president of our co-op preschool and I haven't heard her fate. I heard that this lady I know husband will take time off from the military and help to nurse her back to healthy if possible. Though we weren't close and she moved away a bit ago it was just devastating to hear.
My mood has been down and I've been short with people, especially my hubby. I spent the whole day cleaning the other day as I thought we were having a guest. The old friend of mine by hubby does tri's with was coming over but he didn't. That's fine with me but I cleaned the house, made up the extra bed, etc. etc. so he doesn't see how piggy our house can get and for no avail. I mean, it's nice to have a clean house but I found myself crabby.
I have been getting stuff done around the house and getting rid of old clothes and clutter. I have been exercising a lot and will go for 6 days this week today. It helps my mood for a while and then I'm in the dumps again. My friend Dawn had went for an MRI when we were visting with her. I was surprised she was getting a test on her back. That she thought it might be discs in the spine. I knew what it was and she told me the results. The tumors in her bones are growing. I guess I was surprised cause it is a given what is going on in her body with the cancer growing. My mom says "so, she still has hope". I guess that is what it is...hope. We are all, including her, wishing, praying and hoping for a miracle cure but deep down I know it is unlikely to happen. It's rare that it happens.
For some reason, I'm thinking of a little pill that will make all these emotions easier to take. Like depression has overtaken me. But, I do not like the way drugs can alter your brain. I think it is healthy to experience the raw emotions. I just don't know how to stop feeling the pain. I know it won't stop as people I love are suffering. I know, such is life. Why does it have to be so damn hard some days?
I am going to do something different today. I will take my boy to Seattle or to the Tacoma waterfront and try to make a good day. He has been good about going to the gym with me but today is a sunny day and I need to do something fun for him. We do go to playgrounds etc, play outside, bike ride together but I feel I need a change of pace. We will go tonight to my dad/uncle's cabin and spend the weekend there. There is a boat there, the lake. My mom said she will come. Everyone else in the family is busy. It is forcasted for the 77 or 73 so it will be ok. Not hot, but not too cold. I will do my 'brick workout' in preparation for the triathalon. The brick is doing 2 workouts back to back. So I will swim the 1/2 mile and then do the 12 mile bike. I need to so this to see how I perform. I won't add on the 3 mile run yet. I have been running this week but a combination of walk/jog. I jog 1 1/2 miles and then walk the other 1 1/2 miles. I don't seem to be progressing more than that on the running but oh well. I will do what I can do. I was really hoping to run the whole distance in August but it may not happen and that is ok.
I hope you all are doing good on living your healthy journeys! The scale is driving me crazy as I expect it to show a loss as I'm exercising a lot. I guess I need to keep a food journal but am resisting. Do you keep a food journal? Have a good week.