emotional eating

When you overeat, why do you overeat? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Some have said you just love food. Yeah, I enjoy it but when I think about it, sometimes when I've overeaten I haven't enjoyed food. I felt like I was trying to fill some void in myself. Usually it is brought about by stress, but also can be boredom, thinking negatively about myself, loneliness or even happiness and being out with friends. Usually, it was fast food or sweets or pizza or pasta. So, yeah, I think I definitely am an emotional eater. Are you an emotional eater? Do you think about why you are overeating when you do or in the past? Is it your drug of choice? I don't booze or do drugs, though I suppose when I was younger we did drink some but it is a rare occasion these days. I've read books on this subject but it's really hard to get a handle on what will cure this, if there is a cure. Probably more like managing it and balance it with periods of eating healthy. I tried to think back to when I was totally in the zone and losing good and how I conquered my food demons then. Exercise played a big key in that. It got my head on right and it calmed me down if I was feeling stress. Also, reaching out to people instead reaching for food helps too. When I was young, I didn't have this struggle with food so don't know why now. More responsibilties, more unfullfilled dreams, life not going the way as planned or really wanted? What do you do when you are totally craving something but want to stay on plan? When you know it's not hunger that's calling?

I came across an article by Frances Kuffel who is the author of Passing for Thin: Losing Half My Weight and Finding My Self, web site is franceskuffel.net. Article is at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20050119-000006&page=1
I haven't read her book but this article is kind of interesting about her struggle with eating and body image. But it is long!!

I am doing ok on living healthy this week. I got in exercise Wed, Thurs and Friday and will try for some walking today. But, my son has the flu and is getting sick all the time so it is not a pleasant morning so we'll see.

Felt like a new photo at the top. This is a pic of my and my hubby when we lived in Hawaii, way back in '93 or '95. Yeah, we lived there twice! It's a little fuzzy but that's what the scanner does. Not my favorite photo of me but I love the flowers! We went up to Kula, maui, it's up on the way to Haleakala mountain. Very pretty up there and lush green grass and a little cooler. There is an artist studio, called Curtis Wilson Cost at http://www.costgallery.com/index.html , that is there that my husband loved. Check out his pics, I'm not adverstising for him but though you might want to see what I'm talking about. We ended up not buying a print just some post card types as it is pricey. Now, I wish we had one. They also have a lot of tropical flower type farms and a winery up there. I have some photos of the area if I can find them sometime. It's making me want to Hawaii bad!!! Not to live, just to visit, especially right now, I need some sun and fun! Think I'll keep changing my pics to keep things fresh.

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Wt loss books

This is quote from Oprah on her trainer, Bob Green's new book. It's called 'The Best Life Diet'.

"Another thing I know for sure now is that you've got to ask yourself, what kind of life do you want and how close are you to living it? You cannot ever live the life of your dreams without coming face to face with the truth. Every unwanted pound creates another layer of lies. It's only when you peel back those layers that you will be set free: free to work out, free to eat responsibly, free to live the life you want and deserve to live. Tell the truth and you'll learn to eat to satisfy your physical hunger and stop burying your hopes and dreams beneath layers of fat. " (it continues on, I got this from thebestlife.com)

I know some of you out there may not like Oprah, but I was at the bookstore and started reading some of his book and it made some sense. I mean, I have the old book they did, 'Make the Connection'. In this new book he says you gotta ask yourself some tough question such as 'Why am I overweight?' and 'Why do I want to lose weight?'. I can't remember the 3rd question. It also talked of using food to numb feelings or to deal with stress or other emotions. Yeah, I know what he is talking about! I didn't purchase the book but it has some good advice and has a some healthy recipes to follow. I want to read motivational and wt loss books but I have so many! Let's see off the top of my head, I have book titles/authors such as, Body for life, Kathleen Daalemans, Dr. Phil, Bob Greene/Oprah, Flip the Switch, Denise Austin, Pamela Peeke (did a body for life for women), Body Intelligence, South beach diet, atkins, books about body image, wt loss, wt loss recipe books, you name it. I prob. have more than this!!!

These books have helped me out and gotten me to be healthy at points in my life but ultimately, they aren't the answer. Because, usually we just go back to what we did before when we get tired of the plan. Now, I picked up the book called 'Do I look fat in this?' by Rhonda Britten. It was only $5.99 so I thought I'd read it when I have more time. It really isn't a wt loss book but having to do with your body image. I'll let you know my review after I read it. Maybe I'll go through and re-read some of my old books when I need some motivation.

I was thinking as I wrote the above paragraph. What is the fricken answer? It inside each and every one of us. I just keep trying different things and something will stick. I really am tired of the roller coaster or yo yo of up and down of wt loss. I need to get a handle on it once and for all. Maybe a pipe dream? I have hope that it is not.

Another thing, I was thinking about today is how I don't make myself a priority some days. I mean the husband needs attention, my child needs constant attention, other family needs attention, friends need attention, some days you put yourself last. But, on the 2 hours I have 4 days a week, I have free time. I will use it at the gym or reading fitness or motivational material. My health is the most important thing I have and if I don't have that now and in the future, how can I be there for everyone else??

Going good

Doing good on my second day on my new program. Eating healthy, did more cardio and started wt lifting again. It felt good! I was a little tired before working out today as I was gung ho yesterday and wanted to just get back into it. WannaBSlim at http://wannabslim.blogspot.com/ , who is doing so great on her wt loss journey mentioned I should do a wt loss ticker. But, you know what, I have had one up on my header for a long time now as I got the bug to have one from Fat Bitch last fall. I just took it down! It was depressing to see my wt loss ticker up there with no loss just going up. I will do my wt loss stats to the side of my blog. Unfortunately, I am not at 208lbs anymore. I am more like 217lb. Yikes! It really has got out of control!! I can't bear to change it at this point, it's a mental thing. But, I am taking it on the chin and have already seen the scale move down 2lbs and will start weighing in on wednesdays on my home scale.

I'm trying not to look at this as terrain I have to redo. I mean I got down to 198. So I have really had a back slide! I'm trying to look at it as part of my individual journey and that it is a really big bump in the road for me. Ok, a friggen big hill, but I will get past it and I feel better already. I was really feeling sick to my stomach from the crap I was eating and also eating late at night which is a big no-no for me. It makes me gain even faster, it seems. So, no excuses in sight. Even when I visit my girlfriend in May in Vegas, there are options. I will exercise down there too! I'll walk in her neighborhood or I will go to the gym for a day pass. There is no excuse not to keep being healthy or at least keep trying!!!

Thanks for the comments, I know a lot of you have been in my shoes before and I'm coming out of the darkness and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I've got a renewed comittment to lose some wt by August as the triathalon is then and I really can't do it at this weight. It is too dang hard! And, I will start swimming tomorrow and biking next week. I forgot how good I feel after I exercise. It's just hard when you are in the middle of your cardio and thinking "I can't do 10 more minutes!" But, yes I can. Yes I can. Check out this video of this 84 old woman still dancing, if she can do it at that age, of course I can do this tri race! Link is at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKRZv6NGjdc

I want to send well wishes to Fat Bitch and Amanda Jane at 'what about your hips'! I know they are not blogging anymore and maybe not on the wt loss journey right now but if you happen to read this blog, I hope you are well.

Have a good weekend all you blogger buddies!

(P.S. Can anybody give me pointers how to do a header/border at top? I just put a photo up there but can't seem to get anything else up there. Think I need to research it more. I had my blogger title name up there but it just post within the photo and looks funny.)

Stopping the Madness

(Watch out it's a long post!)

Right now I'm stopping the madness. What do I mean by this? I mean the weight gain madness these last few months. The self defeating remarks I make to myself. The self-flagellation if you will. The self loathing over my body weight and my inability to get to a normal weight again.

Here's a conversation I had with myself today. "Ok, I'm going to the gym today". I have a 2 free hours while my son is in preschool. The other voice, I like to call the devil says "no, just go to the library, maybe surf the net or get a latte, that sound like lots more fun". "No!" I say, "you are going to the gym and get back into working out! You've been working out for 10 months straight and a few weeks off is all you get, get back to it"!! "You keep bitchin to yourself about your stomach getting bigger again, so do something about it"!! Well, thank god the angel on my shoulder won out today and I worked out. I did an hour of cardio; some walking and the elliptical machine. I will do weights tomorrow. I also ate a healthy lunch of a salad with chicken and veggies. This cycle of gaining weight and not working out much and kicking myself when I'm down has got to stop. It's mentally exhausting and I'm tired of being sick and tired and being down in the dumps. It seemed when i was doing well on my wt loss journey last year, I could stop the negative self talk or at least there was only a little. Now, that I've gained some back the damn negative voices are in full force! So, for starters, some steps I will take:

1) Work out 4 times per week, including cardio and weight and jogging and increase that in the future.
2) Eating healthy with at least one or two small snacks so I don't feel deprived
3) Practice thinking positive thoughts and start reading wt loss books or things to motivate me
4) Quit drinking the latte's and substitute with flavored water

I thought about doing the Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem programs for a second. But, then I remembered that JC is too pricey for me right now and that I hated the nutrisystem food when I tried it years ago. Also, I don't want to have to cook 2 meals, one for me and one for my family. I want healthy, tasty, quick, food for all of us. I will entertain the thought of going back to wt watchers after I visit Dawn in Vegas in mid-May. The accountability of the meetings and weighing does help me get my head right and into the wt loss game.

When we were at the spring fair last week I ran into 2 acquaintences from wt watchers and that I knew through the co-op preschool last year. I started talking to one lady and told her that I was a wt watchers drop-out as we had both been going to the Monday meetings. She said she was too and that it was too hard with all the different birthdays that had been going on in her family. They had a bday party right at the fair and I saw her later pulling a cooler and the left over huge cake. I was thinking, "just throw the damn cake out!" And I was thinking, what pull or lure that fat food has over us. It's our drug of choice. This made me think of all the excuses we make not to live a healthy life style . It made me think of my sister and when she went off wt watchers with excuses such as "I'm too stressed from the start of the school year". She's a teacher. And then it's the excuse of "it's the holidays and it's too hard to diet". And then it's "the end of the school year and it's too hard to diet" and then "it's vacation or summer time, it's too hard to diet". You know what the excuses stop now. I've made my share of them too.

I'm tired of my weight holding back in certain areas of my life and not enjoying life to the fullest and at my healthiest weight. I've fallen into my old habits of not dieting in the winter when it is dark and gloomy and gray here in Washington. I get a new burst of energy when spring has sprung and the weather gets better and the sun comes out. Should be soon! I've got to find a way to break this pattern and this type of seasonal defect disorder that I think I have.

What I don't want anymore:

1) airline seats feeling snug or like I'm spilling out into the next seat. Like when I flew last and I sat next to an even chubbier women and I felt like our thighs were squishing together. I hate that! (Thank god I can still fit into the seat belt.)

2) wearing big size clothing! I want to fit into all the regular size clothing and stores and not have to go to the big ladies section.

3) feeling self conscious about my size all the time

4) not wanting to get into my swimsuit or shorts when the weather gets nicer

5) feeling like a failure for giving up on my diet lately and not getting to a healthy weight

6) hating my reflection in the store window or mirror

7) avoiding being in photos with my family or hiding behind someone. I'm missing out on memories!

8) being the fattest one in my group of girlfriends from high school (we meet monthly)

Anyway, that is enough for today, just had a lot on my mind! Have a good week everyone!

Stingrays are like puppies

Welcome to the wonderful world of Stingrays! I thought I would take a break from my angst about my weight and talk about something that brings me joy, scuba. (I know I am a blogging fool lately!)

The stingray has been getting a bad rap lately as a dangerous animal. Though, I know they can be if they feel threatened, but that wasn't the experience I had. There is a place on Cayman Islands, called Stingray City. It's a place for that tourists go to get up close and personal with them. You can scuba with them or you can go to a shallower site and snorkel with them. One of my jobs as an instructor if I was going to this site was to feed the stingrays a bit of squid. They were like puppies all over me and begging for some food. This started way back when the fisherman would clean their catch in these areas and the stingrays would congregate to get the scraps. They kept coming back and during the day there will be 50 to 100 or more of stingrays there.

This last pic with me staring at the stingray, I am kind of in a state of shock or maybe awe at the way the stingrays can be all over you. I think this was my first day that I was going to feed them and was getting trained by another diver. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know that some of my fellow workers were initiating me into the world of stingray/duty (as they have done with others before me) and loaded up by pockets and under the strap on my tank with fresh squid. I couldn't figure out why all the darn stingrays loved me so much as I didn't have food at this point. At least you can pee your pants without anyone knowing! HA! Just kidding. I never got tired of seeing these sea creatures and also had experiences with the bigger versions of this family, the eagle ray (elusive) and the big Manta Ray, which I had the pleasure of diving with in Kona, Hawaii on a night dive.

I feel these animals are being seen in a negative light and it is no wonder as to what happened to Steve Irwin or Australia and getting a barb from one. Very sad when I heard this news and very surprised. He seemed like a wonderful and fun person and I felt very sad by his death. Like I really knew him which, of course, I didn't have the pleasure. Chris H asked me on the blog if I changed my opinion of diving with them after what happened to him. No, it really hasn't. I did hundreds of dives with them and never got injured except for a nasty hicky they tend to give when they are sucking up their food. Yep, just looked, the scar is still there from the stingray. It looks like a white smiley face on my arm but is barely there anymore. They are like a fricken hoover vacuum when eating and it doesn't help that their mouth is on the underside of their body and their eyes on the top of their body. Anyway, no one I know every got injured by them. We try not to touch any of the animals and they don't bother us. There is a urban legend of a guy getting a barb in his arm long ago but he was said to be pulling the tail of one and harassing it. Usually, they will not attack unless provoked. But, I 'm sure if they felt threatened it could happen too.

Anyway, it is one of the memories of my dives and sometimes I would feed moray eels too. I didn't like that as much as they have large teeth and can slither around you! Here's a pic of a moray eel.
They are always cool to see too! Anway, finally got my scanner up and working so that is nice. Hope I'm not boring some of you out there in blogland. I know how I will talk about diving with some of my family or friends and their eyes will glaze over and I know it's time to move on to a new subject! It is one of the most awesome things I have experienced in my life though.

Hope you all are having a good day and I'm working on a new version of my wt loss plan that I can live with and start making some progress again.

I want this fat suit off!

This is me at various times in my life. Me, by the waterfall, on our honeymoon at about 150lbs. The black sweater is me at 201 back in December last year and the one pic in white is me at the start wt at about 245, I would guess. It couldn't find hardly any photos from 2005. I am a master at avoiding the camera.

Some of these photos you have seen and some you haven't. I'm trying to use these pics for my motivation to lose more weight as I have been slacking the last few months and can't find the drive to continue on the wt loss journey. I want this fat suit off! Yeah, it is better than it was but it is starting to creep back on and I don't want this to be the beginning of the end. I was going to put up another pic of me at 125lbs but I couldn't get it to scan correctly. I don't think I can get down do that wt again but this pic above at 150, I believe I can get there. That is my goal. Of course, it sucks that I will be an older version but there is really nothing that can be done about ageing unless I spend tons on plastic surgery. Ha!

So, what do for motivation? Have you used the picture technique? Or does that just make you feel bad to see the heavy you? I'm trying to use this to see my progress and realize, yes, I am making some strides and I need to keep on doing it or I will blimp back all the way back up!! I am feeling a little lost at the moment and am entertaining the idea of Nutrisystem or Jenny Craing to get back on track and eating smaller portions. Weight watchers is good though, it's just that it's all up to you to track points and I don't want to seem to do it anymore. I have been trying to just eat healthy on my own and that works for a while and then the crap has come back into my diet. Sugar is the enemy lately. If I eat something laced with sugar, it just makes me want more! It's like the devil is back on my shoulder and yelling for "more, more, more food!" The angel is on the other shoulder whispering, "you can do this, you can get the healthy body you want!" Damn devil has a fricken loud voice!

Doing the last scuba post and remembering my past has made me want to try again. I'm not happy in the body that I'm in so I fricken better do something about it. I have the friggen triathalon in August and I am not even ready. The fat suit is holding me back and making everything I want to accomplish so much harder! Ok, enough venting for now! I can envision myself at a healthy weight, why am I holding myself back? I need a concrete plan of action and I am going to work on writing that down.

In other news, the weekend was pretty good. Friday, I took my son to the spring fair and he enjoyed the rides and looking at the animals. We had to break down and buy some cinnamon/sugar elephant ears. I love those things. Saturday and Sunday we went down to my dad's and uncles cabin to help out my parents. It was cleaning weekend and get the cabin ready. We cleaned up fallen trees and branches for hours, moved the lawn, cleaned the cabin, cleaned the shed, had a bug man spray, burned the excess branches, cleaned the dock off. I'm sore today! I'm sure it's a sign I'm getting really out of shape again! It is early to clean the cabin but since my uncle has cancer he has asked us to take on more of the upkeep of this small cabin. We usually do the opening of it on memorial day but some people are going to be living there for a short while as my uncle wants them to build a big covering for some trailers we will put outside the cabin. As the family grows, it seems we need trailers too. I will take some pics this summer and post them of the money pit/errrrr, I mean the cabin. It is a nice place to get away and it is only about 1 1/2 hrs from us. The cabin is old and crappy but it is on the lake and we will move my dad's boat up there soon. The kids love it for the swimming and boating, of course. My mom just see's more work and cleaning and I hope she doesn't want to sell it!

Hope you are having a good week and are making progress in your wt loss journeys!

The Deep Blue

Finally! The scuba post! I know your excited, well maybe not but here it is. First off, these are pics me and my husband took in and around Maui and the Cayman Islands. The pic of the house is just a standard caymanian house. I loved some of the houses there. That's my hubby on the underwater scooter. We loved to take them out in maui as the guy he worked for there would let us take them out whenever and it was fun. That is a pic of me with a stingray, tell ya more about it later. And that is me at Disneyworld when we were moving from Cayman to Washington and wanted a vacation. My wt wasn't at my lowest but I was happy. I had a killer tan and my hair got bleached from the sun. I just need another 6 months in scuba and I would have had a killer body. It helped that we worked outdoors in an active profession and that we didn't have a car on the island, just bikes! Sometimes, I wish I could go back to that time. Ahhhhh, this post is bringing up a lot of memories.

I started scuba on a dare from my hubby. He wanted to try it for a long time, so in '93 we took the open water course in Washington. That was the tip of the iceberg for me, I mean, I didn't realize that I would fall in love with scuba and the underwater world. I always had been a good swimmer but I was nervous to take the course. It went well and only felt a little apprehension the first time in the pool with the regulator (and breathing from a tank for the first time). It is weird at first cause we are so used to breathing from our mouth and nose and when you dive you must learn to breath from the mouth only. Anyway, this love of diving set us on a course to move to Maui. Then we came back to WA and over the next year got all the required dives to be able to go to school to be dive instructors. I was working at a high rise in Seattle for Safeco and when I told them I was going to Florida to go to diving school and then move to Maui, they thought I was crazy to say the least. I mean, what is it, 1% of people that just up and move to the islands. Hey, we were young and no kids yet and weren't thinking of the future just of fun.

What is diving really like, you may wonder? What I loved about it was that it was quiet and peaceful. The chance to get away from everything in the world and just observe sea life. It's almost meditative in a way. There's nothing like getting up close to sea life and then looking up and seeing the boat far away. Or when you go down to about 50 ft and the bottom is there but you swim out further in the deep blue to the edge of the wall and the bottom drops off into the abyss! Ahhhhh, nothing like it! It is like being in a new undiscovered country and I was the first one there. I highly recommend trying it if you haven't!

Anyway, after we lived and taught diving in Maui I had a hankering to go to the Caribbean. Specifically, the Cayman Islands. My cousin had been there and said how awesome it was and of the wonderful diving so it was itch that I needed to scratch. I went to the island in the summer of '96 to check out cayman and see if it was a place we would live. My hubby was still working summers in Alaska fishing for salmon as my Dad got him into it and the money was pretty good. I told him Cayman was awesome! I already met some friends and the booze was a flowing and there were jobs to be had in scuba. The only drawback was that it was real pricey to live there. We moved at the end of summer and began our year in Cayman. There were awesome beaches, nice people from all around the world, a lot of British, Scottish, Canadian, you name it. We each got dive jobs as separate places after cutting through some red tape! They make you go through so many medical tests and hoops to get your work permit but we prepared ahead of time. I found I loved to lead divers underwater. I taught some but not a lot aside from newbies doing the resort course where I teach them a few skills and away we go on the boat to try scuba. It could be trying at times. I mean, I had to practically save someone a few times a week that was freaking out under water. That's the part of the job I didn't care for but of course it's required. What I did love was when someone really got excited about the dive and was hooked. I loved to get more diving converts! The real days I lived for were my free days to just dive on my hubby's boat where I could dive at will and with no rules and no responsibilities but to have fun.

One of my best days diving was actually a time when I was teaching a guy to dive and I got back on the boat and the captain practically gunned the boat before we even had a chance to get the tanks off our back! This was highly unusual as we take our time to move to the next dive spot. He heard on the radio that a whale shark was in the area. He had to go see for himself as this was a rare occurence in these waters. We got to the whale shark and about 4 boats were already there. He was at the surface so I donned my snorkel gear and swam beside him. He was a huge creature, maybe 50 ft in length and was just swimming slowly eating plankton. I didn't get a picture or else I would have posted it. But, there was some video shot by one of the guys on our boat. God, I wish I had it! There is nothing like getting up close to a wild, huge whale. It is something I will never forget!

This post is turning into a book so I will write another day with my story from the pic above....my first encounter with stingrays! Aaaaiiiii! I now have a serious inclination to hop a plane to the caribbean and dive. Somedays, I miss it so much it hurts, it's hard to explain but I have given up something I love.....only for a while, I will get back to diving. I mean, I did go diving a few years ago in Maui again but not since. We do have some good diving here in Washington and up north in British Columbia but it is cold water diving and I hate the thick wet suit and the cold. My hubby has lost his drive or his love to dive, especially in cold water as we don't have dry suits. But, I will dive sometime soon as I need to just find a dive buddy. And, I would like more wt off. Here's a good incentive to get some off....it's so much easier when you are thinner. Hope everyone has a good weekend, we finally got a litte sunshine!

Friend in need

Ya, still feeling like crud and was wondering if my sickness could be strep throat as I've had a sore throat for 4 nights straight! Ok, I'm done bitchen about how I'm feeling.

I think I'm going back down to vegas in 3 weeks. I will stay with my friend Dawn, probably, though I can use my free hotel offer as I must have racked up some points there to get some freebies. She is going through a rough time with her chemo treatments and is in a bad way emotionally so I will go down and help her out or at least spend more time with her. There is a chance she will go off the chemo or at least go off the double dose and back down to one treatment. Anyway, she seemed happy that I offered to come down and the side benefit is that it is the land of sunshine this time of year down there. My hubby and son are going to Oklahoma to visit family so I thought this would be a nice chance for me to spend time with a friend.

I'm still working on getting some pics of scuba adventures and also pics of me when I was thin for another post. As I am going thru the photos I realize this is going to take longer than I thought to find all my pics and see which are my favorites and find the missing ones that my hubby put somewhere like the garage!

I realized my original wt loss blog has just become the story of what goes on in my life which isn't too exciting. I've been traveling some but that's the usual routine but have been enjoying the chance to get away some. I've been thinking a lot about how I want to get to my goal wt and why I'm holding myself back. Gotta go get my son, so I hope everyone is having a good week!

Update: Here's a pic of a underwater restaurant in the Maldives, looks cool!!

The weekend

We went out of town on Saturday to Ocean Shores. It's on the coast of Washington and has miles of beach you can drive on if you want to. The big thing here is kite flying. This is Chase flying his fantastic 4 kite. It flew for a while but then it broke. We went and got a new one yesterday and decided not to get a kids kite. We got the 'beetle' which is one of those beginner trick kites (made out of nylon) that have 2 strings/spindles you hold. It is fun but is hard to get the hang of it. The kite takes a nose dive and fell a lot until we got used to it. There's so much wind on the coast that it's easier to do than around our area. My son had fun at the beach but the highlight for him was going to an indoor water park that had a pirate theme. They have 3 waterslides and all kinds of buckets that dump water on your head. I just watch my hubby and son have fun as I now have his yucky cold! That's ok, as I'm not very happy getting on my swimsuit at the moment!

I still haven't gotten to the store to get some pics on disc to do a proper scuba story and now that I feel like crap it'll have to wait a while, oh well. On the positive side, maybe with the way I feel I can get a few pounds off as I don't have much of an appetite.

I hope everyone has a good week!

sickness in the house

I want to do my scuba post but it will have to wait a few days, as I need to get some photos on disc at the store. And I need to think about what to write about as I have a lot of scuba stories. But need to think about what would be interesting to you out there in blogland. The big issue (with not getting anything done lately) is that we are holed up in the house, my son and I, as he has been sick with a bad chest cold these past few days. It sucks as you always worry when they have a fever and are coughing all night and can't get any rest. We had some medicine but my son hates it so we are toughing it out. Every year since he was little we've had the yucky croup which is a nightmare but now that he's older it's just all the colds he catches from school or wherever.

We did have a good Easter up at my mom's with a lot of family. Then the kids went on the easter egg hunt but in our family it has turned into and money egg hunt. There is some token candy in the plastic eggs but mostly quarters and dollars. All the kids get to participate even if they are in high school. I like that they can get some money to spend or save but it's gotten to "who has got the most money?" and gotten a little out of hand. One year, we had an egg hunt for the adults. Now, that was funny! People get pretty competitive.

So, not much else to say today, but I am getting cabin fever bad! I haven't been working out due to not getting to the gym and not wanting to spend time away from my son right now. Maybe I'll get a walk in when the hubby gets home but the weather sucks....rain again!!! Ok, where's my positive attitute.....Ok, there it is. Life is what you make it so I need to work on my outlook. Thank god for the computer as an outlet. Ha.
Hope everyone is having a good week!

Fat Rant

Check out this ladies fat rant on utube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA. I wish I had her attitude. She's got some things figured out! I agree with a lot of what she says that being fat doesn't mean your lazy or dumb or a bad person. I got this from someone's web site and can't remember whose. I've been surfing and visiting too many sites! I wish I could just be happy with being fat but that ain't the case. The thing I'm trying to figure out now is why I took a break from the weight loss journey, why don't I just get hung ho like I was before and want it bad. I mean, I still want the thin, healthy, fit body but don't want to seem to do the hard work at the moment.

In other news, I went down to visit my uncle who has cancer yesterday. He lives about 2 hours away and we haven't been to see him in a long time. It was a good day and my son got to play with lots of cousins and the weather was awesome for once. We went out to see my cousin who is about my age as he moved back to his hometown and has a new house. They have quite the set up out there in the county. He lives about 1/2 mile from his brother and they use 4 wheelers to commute between the two and around his property. My son got to feed the fish in his little lake and jump on their trampoline and ride the quads with me. It was fun! When I was young I used to like to ride motor bikes with an old boyfriend and forgot the joy in doing that. I started to think of all the other things I used to enjoy that have fallen by the way side as I've gotten older and also as I've been a mother and sometimes my needs aren't top priority. Something to think about more. I know that I really miss adventure such as travel to far away places, scuba diving and anything with motor vehicles! I have a goal to try sky diving when I drop some more weight!! It will be a rush and I miss that feeling of doing something new or the sense of being in new or foreign places and meeting new people or just being underwater and at peace with nature and with life.

I think I will do a post about past scuba diving adventures and find some pictures and maybe some old pics of the old me that I left behind. She's hidden in this layer of fat somewhere and I'm trying to remember who that woman was. Will she ever come out of hiding?

Vegas was fun but tiring

What is it about Vegas? We eat too much, sleep to little, gamble too much, drink too much! I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! It was fun though. And the weather was awesome, high 70's and into the 80's. We had only about 2 hours of pool time and we were mostly in the shade so no tan for me. I didn't win the big one. I did get up a couple of hundred a few times but managed to lose that by the end of the trip.

I don't have many pictures, sorry! I started taking a few of my sisters, of my friend, of flamingos at the hotel but didn't take any of the big pool or hotel. We spent too much time in the casinos! (Here's a pic of Dawn, Dawn's pool and some flamingo's at the Hilton, and my 2 sisters!) I don' think my friend of sisters read the blog and would be upset with me posting the pics so I will do it! I didn't want to carry around a camera and lose it while we were gambling. I don't like to carry much but a little purse. We really didn't get to very many hotels. We didn't even really walk down the strip of hotels. We went to a show called "Tony and Tina's wedding" at the Rio but it wasn't very good. The highlight was me getting tipsy and instead of pinning a dollar on the groom, I pinned a dollar on the good looking best man as he was a ringer for Leo Dicaprio and Brad Pitt rolled up into one. I got a dance out of it and a peck on the cheek and he says "Thank you darlin, what's your name darlin". Oh those southern gentlemen. I think he wasn't in character for his acting of supposedly being a italian for the wedding. Ah, the blue eyes and dirty blond hair....ahhhh... this fantasy will last me for a while. But, I digress...must of been the beer talking. We did get up dancing as part of the act/play and that part was fun. But I had to do something to get our crowd of 7 up and dancing instead of sitting there like slugs with frowns on their faces!

The other play was called "Menopause chronicles" at the Vegas Hilton. It was hilarious and is a cast of 4 women who bitch and moan about all the wonderful things we will experience during the change of life. Like, the wt gain, the hot flashes, the low sex drive, the bitchiness. Real funny! It's the same people that did the vagina monologues which I haven't seen. I haven't been thru menopause but oh, what we get to look forward to, ha!

I visited my friend Dawn out at her house. Here's a pic of her pool out back. She has a cute stucco house and an awesome yard with a pool, shaded patio, sitting area with comfy chairs with some shade and sun, jacuzzi, and bbq area, fire pit with rock seating area. I would love to have her back yard. Awesome. The sun really bothers her after chemo so we didn't get into the hot tub and I didn't care anyway. She was understandably tired and a little bitchy as chemo was only 2 days before and she wasn't feeling her usual self. She isn't feeling nautious but has symptoms such as puffiness, numb face, short term memory loss, scalp bothering her. She shaved her hair off as it was bothering her that some was falling out but it looked like it was all coming back but was about and inch long. We had a nice long talk and then picked up her daughter from the catholic school. I want to talk my ladies group into going to vegas to visit when she is feeling better and off treatment and live it up a little. We've talked of it before as we are all from the same high school grad class and would be a blast. It's just hard to get from talking about it to doing it! I'm up for it sometime but I know the summer is unbearable down there. Maybe September, we'll see.

Anyway, that's all there is to report and I'm back on my healthy eating plan today and going to work out! As we were by the pool and taking in all the eye candy and nice bodies, it made me want even more to be at a healthy weight! I always think, "next year when I'm in Vegas, I'll be thin". At least year I was down some weight. It has made me want to renew my commitment to fitness and healthy eating!! Hope you are all well this week!

Off to vegas

Off to vegas tomorrow! I can't wait. I need some sunshine! I had to go to the mall and get a new outfit and a haircut. Actually, the haircut was free. I won it at the weight watchers auction a while back. I think I found a new, good, cheaper hair dresser and she has lost like 93 lbs on wt watchers so far! We talked of how we have both hit a rut as far as wt watchers goes but she is continuing on and has about 55 more pounds to go. She's inpiring to me and she has 5 kids, wow.

Here's to Spider63, after you wrote about really large people who ride scooters due to their weight, now I am seeing them everywhere! Today, at walmart a big lady on one. Of course, I don't know if she had any other ailment besides being big but I just felt sympathy for her and I know that I will never let myself ride a scooter because my ass has gotten too big!! No friggen way.

Anyway, I will catch up with you fellow bloggers next week after I score my big winnings in vegas, ha ha. I will be back on program come next Wednesday come heck or high water. Hope you have a great weight loss week!

Need to recommit!

No, not to the mental ward, (though some days I feel I need it, ha ha). I need to recommit to exercise and eating healthy! I will do at least 4 days of exercise this week, Tuesday-Friday. Today, I will do an hour of cardio plus weights. I will eat healthy, just for today. And then the next day and then the next. Back to baby steps for me. This will be a challenging weekend to going to Vegas on Saturday but I will do my best. I think the hotel has a workout center and I will utilize it!!

The bad news is that my friend, Dawn, is having chemo on Friday so she will be not be feeling well while I am there. If she is up to it, I will come out to her house near vegas and just talk. She sounds like she needs it and so do it. I miss her a lot.

I am looking forward to pulling the handle on the slots! Oh yeah, now you just push a button. This year, I will also play craps, the dice/table game as my mom's friend wants me to play the game with her. My mom is good at it so we will all play and see how it goes. Mostly, I like going to shows though we don't have one planned this year. Maybe we will take in a comedy show. I wouldn't mind seeing Prince but I hear he is $150. Yikes. We have seen some great shows such as Danny Gans, Celine Dion, Rod Stewart, Elton John, blue man group, and some other acrobatic shows. I haven't seen the O show though the other ladies have and I wish we could go to that. I look forward to just hanging with the ladies and looks like it might be in the 80's so always like going to the pool and just spending some time not doing much. Can you tell I'm excited! It's always nice to get away and especially just with the ladies.

I have, regretfully, cancelled by membership with weight watchers. I need to cut back on some expenses and I really haven't been doing wt watchers for some time and why keep paying the monthly membership. The program does work but you have to be in the right frame of mind as I was last year. I get tired of counting points and truth be told even when i was losing at a steady rate, I did my own version of points. Either ate what I usually did in the points range or just winged it but knowing I was eating low cal. I really hate writing down every fricken thing I eat and the points. I will miss the meetings and the leader. It was nice to get support there and listen to the emotional side of why we eat, even when we aren't really hungry. But, I'm sure I've heard all the speeches as I went for 9 months not including other years in the past. I've got mixed emotions on not going anymore. I will keep my option open to going back as it did seem to help keep me accountable and wanting to see a lower number on the scale each week. They do have the core system where you eat just certain heathy foods with not counting points. I am maintaining at this point and am happy with that at the moment but really want to continue on this weight loss journey just need to figure out how I will do it!! The eternal problem.

I want to do a shout out to Amanda at 'What about your hips'! If you are reading Amanda, I hope you are well and will post again soon. We (bloggers) can help if you are going through a difficult time. I blog through it all, bad and good! We miss you!!!!

Hope everyone is having a awesome week!!!

The Weekend

Went out with my ladies group Friday night. We went to a persian restuarant and had chicken kabobs and rice. We hadn't been there before and it was pretty good. We then went to the University Improv and I was expecting just stand up comedy but it was actually a play about an Irish wake. It had some funny parts but usually we were just trying to understand what they were saying as they had strong accents are were pretending to have strong ones.

Saturday we went up to my sisters to exchange some bday presents and went to try out their new hot tub. It was nice and we also got a chance to watch 'The Departed'. Uggghhh. Lots of killing but thought the acting was pretty good. I like Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio as well as Jack Nicholson. They are always good. I've always like Leo since I saw him in 'What's eating Gilbert Grape'. He is an awesome actor, especially in that film as he was young and played a handicapped boy. That film also has Johnny Depp who is always great too.

Today, me and my son are just hanging out and my hubby went on a long bike ride. He's in his triathalon trianing mode and couldn't stand taking another day off from exercise. It's been raining for like 2 days straight so we finally got a break today but there are puddles and lakes of standing water everywhere. Maybe we will go to Chuck E. Cheese later which is a kid's pizza and play place. I will need my patience today as that place is like a zoo on the weekends with lots of kids and bday parties.

My uncle got out of the hospital but will return shortly for some treatment, think chemo. I need to get all the details. I was going to see him yesterday but he got discharged. I'm going to call him here in a minute.

Just maintaining my weight this week and that's the best I can do right now! Hope everyone is doing well on their exercise and healthy eating.

Not so good

Not feeling that great today as got some bad news. My uncle has lymphoma and it is in his pancreas. The doctor says 3-5 months to live. God, how do you take that information? Imagine it was you, what would you do? What could you do? He hasn't been feeling good for quite some time now that I think about it. He got his heart check out last year and they said a-ok. But, they didn't catch the cancer that was growing. My mom said they (his wife and kids) will have a meeting with the oncologist today to decide if they can do a agressive treatment or not. So waiting to hear if there are any options. I sure hope so but I know they will make their decision based on the odds of living. Would you want to try to live longer but feel like crap from chemo or radiation that may or may not help? Right now they are trying to get rid of blood clots and it's a wonder that he survived walking around with them is what they told him. It's not fair, he's in his 60's and lots of small grand children to see grow!

We will visit him Saturday and I'm trying to get my frustration and sadness out through exercise. I did a darn good run and workout yesterday and it does help some. I just want to keep it together for him and not cry and be what support I can to him! He is getting a lot of vistors from his hometown and from his past so I know that makes him feel good. He has his family around so I'm sure that is some comfort.

That's all I got today. Hope things are better in your neck of the woods.

The secret

No, don't have a big nasty secret to spill, I am refering to the book/dvd called The Secret. We just got it from my mother in law. Think I need to watch it again due to our 5 yr old wanting attention when we were trying to watch. But some of it says that you think positive thoughts to bring positive into your life. If you think negative thoughts or concentrating on the problems in your life then it will just compound and you will get more bad things in your life or you will just stay stagnant. Also, they talked of if you want something ask for it and visualize it every day. I mean, visualize yourself already having the object or achieving the goal and what you will feel like. Also, do a gratitute journal and a bunch of other stuff. I mean I like the dvd but I've heard this concept in many different ways before.

One way I've heard of the visualize it concept if from wt watchers and imagining yourself at goal. I've tried to do this and I have pics of when I was skinny so have an idea of what I would look like and feel like. I guess it helps some. The real challenge is to stay positive daily and think about the things you would like to come into your life. It can't hurt and I will give it a try!

My hubby like the idea of a visualization board. One fellow on the video put up a poster board of everything he would like to achieve. He cut out pictures of what he wanted and concentrated on this every day and achieved his goals. Maybe this will work but I felt he was concentrating just on material objects such as money, house, cars. I mean those are good goals but not all there is in life. Though it does seem money is important for us at this point. Not sure what my hubby will be wishing for. Don't think he will share at this point. My goal as I said before will to think positive and know that things will work out somehow.

I'm feeling a little better this week. We had a good sunny day in the 60's on Friday and I got out and walked for a long time and it's amazing what a little sunshine can do for me. My weight is staying the same and I haven't been doing weight watchers and I'm thinking of cancelling my monthly membership due to cutting back on spending. I don't know if I'll quit for good as I like the program and it works if you stick to it. I will try my own program for a while and see if I make some progress but it feels like I'm in a holding pattern right now.

Our vegas trip may be on hold as my Uncle (dad's brother) is in the hospital. My mom and dad are still in Palm Desert and they were planning on meeting us in Vegas but if my uncle takes a turn for the worse then my parent need to get back to Seattle. That may mean that my sisters and some friends will postpone. We'll see. It's scary as they thought a while back that he had a viral infection, now he has blood clots and in the hospital and the doctors mentioned that it could be lymphoma. Arrggh! Not the cancer! I hate it! We will see what the diagnosis is. He hasn't lived a healthy life in a long time and is real overweight and was a smoker and drinker in the past. I will think good thoughts about his prognosis and pray for him!!

I hope your week is going well for you bloggers out there!! Seems I'm dealing one bad thing after another. Oh yeah, I said I would think positive thoughts....

ever get into a funk?

Do you ever get into a funk? You know that time of the month rolls around and you cry at the drop of a hat? You hate your life, your body, your choices. Usually it just last for a day or so but it's been 3 days of feeling like crap. Let's see, I cried at the library on Tuesday just from seeing a cute little innocent girl giving me the cutest look and then at the book store as I was reading a book about changing my life by changing my mind or how I think and getting more in touch with God. It wouldn't hurt for me to get to church and quit thinking of my woes. Two days with no exercise but I forced myself to go today and I did feel a little better after I worked up a sweat.

I was thinking of my friend who has depression and she takes some meds, (not prozac) to feel happy. I've always fought getting on meds as I hate to take medicine. Especially since she says she has no libido from being on the meds and just doesn't want to get intimate with the husband. I don't need something dampening what libido I do have. I think I just have the SAD (seasonal effect disorder) cause when I get some nice weather in the Spring or when I just went to California my mood does a 180. I've been trying to take an honest stock of my life and see that it really isn't so bad. Yeah, we have debt, but I have a great family of sisters and parents and a nice hubby and a son. I have my health and I'm improving it. I have friends though I don't see them often due to moving more south 6 years ago. Anyway, a list of what I'm grateful for does help some so I try to do it from time to time.

I am starting the tri training and doing hour or more of cardio 4 times a week and starting up biking and swimming and jogging again. I'm doing the baby steps to where I need to be. I need to check out tri training web sites but haven't felt like it. My friend, Kathy, who is doing the tri with me wants us to sign up for a biking or swimming seminar/training thing in Seattle. I think we will do the swimming one as we get to swim in the lake where the tri will be held and get some tips on improving our swimming technique.

I'm looking forward to my Vegas trip at the end of the month. I hope the weather is good, it should be. Not the best place to be going when I'm trying not to spend a lot but my mom is taking me and my sisters so that's nice. It will be nice to be with just the ladies and no responsibilities to deal with. What I'm really looking forward to is seeing my friend, Dawn, and seeing how she is holding up w/ the chemo. It's always good to see her as we can talk about anything without thinking 'what are they thinking about me' that I feel with some other friends. She's the kind of friend where you can be yourself and always feel better after talking to her. I hope I do the same for her.

Thanks to my blogger buddies for stopping by and giving advice on the money issue or just sharing about your $ woes, it helps! I just got the Secret dvd for my sister for her bday and I heard my mother in law is sending it to us. Has anyone read the Secret book or watched the dvd? What did you think? It sound like you just need to think and stay positive and positive things will happen for you. Then we will be happy, ha. I know there is probably something to that but sometimes it's easy to read but hard to put into practice. Hope everyone is having a good week!!!

Insomnia, debt and wt gain blog

Ok, the bad news is I'm up a pound! This is officially the weight gain blog! I haven't really been on program. I am exercising so that is something I suppose. I'm trying to have a good week starting today and see what next week will bring.

I've been having insomnia for the last few months. A lot of this has to do with worry and the main worry is our increasing debt we have. So, after talking at length w/ my hubby about the amount of debt we've decided to consolidate it and get a home equity loan. This won't get the monkey off our backs but it will make one payment rather than several payments. We also talked of selling the house and this is a difficult topic. I was worrying about next fall as I have to go to college full time/days and about how to pay for it. It is hard once I became a stay at home mom and student. Seems we still lived as though I had income coming in like before. Maybe once this loan is finalized I will get some real rest and quit worrying all the time. I also will get some type of part time job at night, hopefully in April to bring in a little extra income. I really don't want to move at this point. I mean this was our first bigger house as we had a condo before and I don't want to give it up and go backwards. The hardest topics seem to be money, sex and child rearing!!

I think this issue with money has had a lot to do with me not being able to really be successful lately on the wt watchers healthy living plan. I'm hoping now that will change that we are finally taking some action on dealing with this problem. Anyone out there had issues with money? How did you deal with it?

I hope everyone is having a good week!

The stranger.....and self esteem

A weird thing happened to me the other day. My son and I had just gotten our baggage at the airport and just went outside to meet my hubby when he drove up. This fellow was running with his bag and I saw him out of the corner of my eye as he we ran the other way as I heard the wheels of his bag making a lot of noise. All of of sudden I heard the noise stop and I just felt like someone's eyes were boring into the back of my head so I turned around and this guy was flat out staring at me. We locked eyes and the wheels turned in my head, 'is it an old lover (there were several before the hubby), no, was it an old classmate, no, was it an old friend, no, a scuba student or co-worker from the time I lived in the islands, no.' He kind of reminded me of Bob from the Bachelor show. Did you ever see that guy? He was on Oprah a few times too. He just kept staring and then we continued on our way to catch our ride. It was weird though and I was thinking, is he checking me out? I don't look 1/2 bad today as I didn't wear my usual black and had on new clothes. Does he think I'm his long lost sister, lover, etc? Is this the first time he's seen a woman as he's been in the amazon out in the wild? Ha!

I just started to think of my self esteem and body image and this made me think of all these years I've been hiding under this layer of fat. Not many guys will look at a chubby woman compared to a thin one. I've stayed under the radar. But, there are occasional times when a guy will look or talk to me. I remember when I was thin and I got a lot more attention, and sometimes I didn't like it. Of course, I have the attention of the man I care most about, my husband but when he compliments me I'm thinking "he's just saying that to make me feel good" or when we get some quality time "is he checking out my fat tummy or chubby thighs". Arrggghhhg....I really am sick of being down on myself about my size and how it affects my personal relationships and just going out and doing all that I want to do.

In other news, I have been exercising a lot but I still continue to make some undesirable food choices. What am I stuffing down? What emotion? I need to find a way to deal with it and it continues to elude me, this issue with food. Why can it not just be sustenance. Why can't I eat to live instead of living to eat???? The million dollar question I suppose.

Well, we are off to a kids bday party at a play place so that will be fun for my son and then maybe out to dinner or something. I'm starting my tri training and I'll talk more about it later. I'm determined not to be in last place at the danskin tri!!! I hope everyone is having a good week!!

Palm Desert

Here's some of the pics I took from Palm Desert. Palm Desert is about 10-15 miles from Palm Springs. The one of the golf course with the flag and sand traps was the view from the house. The house is the one on the right in the second pic. Of course golf is a big thing down here and my parents go a lot but all we did with my son was putt putt golf. We had a great time and the weather was mostly in the 70's but yesterday it was in the 80's so it was a bummer that we had to leave as the weather was heating up. I took a lot more pics but they are mostly family shots and zoo animals shots for my son.

We went to the desert zoo, swam a lot and went to a fun center. My son had a blast. The only down part was that both of us were still sick with colds but we didn't let that stop us. I wanted to stay longer but we had to get back. I love all the palm trees and there are load of cactus (I got more pics if U want cactusfreek). I like the adobe style buildings and there are some newer cities like La Quinta and Indio that were awesome. It did seem like a lot of traffic down there though.

Well, did get on the scale at home today and up a few pounds. I will go to ww next week and then post about it then. I haven't been putting the effort into the weight loss, especially on vacation but I will go work out today when my son is in school! Hope everyone is doing good on their healthy living even if I am not at the moment!!

Going towards the warm weather

My son and I are off to Palm Springs, CA tomorrow. Yeah!!! We'll be back on Monday next week. I'm hoping for some warm weather and it's forcasted for high 60's and then 70's and maybe 83 by Sunday. That would be awesome and anything will be better than the 30-40's we are having here. My son loves to swim so I'm hoping the weather will be good enough to swim outside. I've been to Palm Springs a long time ago when I first lived in California (Long Beach) with my husband when we first knew each other. I took a road trip over there with my mom way back then. It is a nice place and desert like landscape and palm trees and nice hotels, and lots of good golf courses. Of course, sometimes you see all the rich people and their cars, houses, etc. but it seems a lot different than say Hollywood. I will bring the camera and try get some shots of the scenery.

On the diet front, I didn't weigh in yesterday due to being sick with the tummy flu or something. I couldn't even get out of the house yesterday and that was challenging with a 5 yr old wanting to go to the park and play all day. We settled for playing outside for a while as I had to lay down part of the day. I sure am catching every cold bug and sickness these past 2 months. I'm sick of it. I'm doing a lot better today though we both have stuffy noses. I'm just hoping that we don't have trouble flying as far as getting our ears to equalize. The birthday weekend was good. We went out to eat Thai and had Phad Thai and panang curry and also to a restaurant called the Ram. It is a restaurant/microbrewery and I had something called Bourbon chicken and mashed potatoes. It was awesome. We had this giant piece of Mud pie but we all shared it wasn't so bad. I'm afraid the weight isn't budging but I know why -- just too much food. Too much good and calorie laden food. Though I sure didn't eat much yesterday so may have undone some of the damage. I got in some exercise today but it was just walking but better than nothing. The trip will be a challenge to eat right but I'll try my best.

I hope everyone is having a good week and I'll catch up with you next week.

sick to my stomach.....about triathalon, about cancer

No, not sick anymore with a cold or flu but just signed up for the Seattle Danskin Womens' triathalon in August. I feel sick with like butterflies in my stomach and wonder if I can do this! All I need to do is swim, bike and run. Seems doable, doesn't it? I can do these things separately, well maybe not run all the way yet but I haven't combined more that 2 of these different activities yet. I know if I can't do it all, I can walk in the run, that should be my focus at the moment. I've invited a few of my friends and have 2 takers so far so I'm excited about that. You really do the race by yourself at your own pace but it would be fun to see my friends at the beginning and end, or maybe start the race together as we will be in the same age group.

One of my main reasons for doing this is to raise money for breast cancer research as this is near and dear to me. My best girlfriend, Dawn, has been fighting the fight against breast cancer for a few years now. It's so hard on her but she is a strong woman but it's not going away. She got this disease at a pretty early age, in her 30's. Something has to be done to find the cure! I'm just a little emotional about it right now as I just talked to her recently (she lives in a diff. state) and she is going through her 3rd round of chemo in the past few years and she is so tired all the time. I just get so worried that I might lose her someday. This is the kind of friend I don't want to lose, the kind you can talk to about anything, the kind that has your back, the kind that keeps your secrets and you keep hers and never will divulge to anyone, the kind that helps you when your marriage gets rocky and you help her when hers is on the brink of divorce, the kind that will be there for you no matter what. Those kind of friends are hard to find. We went to high school together but got really close after high school when we lived together for a while. I just don't know what I can do for her but be supportive as much as I can from the distance/miles between us like I have been. But, on somedays, when I hear her talk, I feel I'm not doing enough for her. I also am going for a visit at the end of March for our annual trip to vegas and will see her then as she lives there so really looking forward to that.

Anyway, on the eating/diet front, it isn't going that well this week due to birthday celebrations for 2 days and just eating out too much and too much chocolate. Yikes. I need to get my butt into gear to start really training for this and drop a good amount of weight by August. My knee has been aching since I started up jogging again so I have to ease off of that for a while, but, I'm not letting up on the exercising. The elliptical machine is still ok and the walking isn't too bad. I hope everyone is having a good week!!

Just maintaining

Just maintaining this week and I'm ok with that. I have been off my regular routine as I've been sick a lot. I've started exercising again this week and will try for 4 or 5 times this week. I also need to get my eating in line and start eating more fruits and veggies. That's the goal this week.

I had a nice weekend and went to see the play 'Buddy' about Buddy Holly's life. It was really good and was mostly about the music. The main actor who played buddy was a local Seattle man who plays in the band the Dusty 45's. I've never heard of them but someone told me they sing rock-a-billy. I'm assuming it's a country rock kind of thing. Maybe I'll have to go check them out as he is really talented. We then went to the top of the Hilton and had a really nice dinner. It's nice to get some time in with my sisters, mom and some other women and do something fun. Sunday we went back up to Seattle as my hubby wanted to use his gift certificate I got him at this triathalon store. Chase and I played at Gasworks park that we've been to before (think I posted pics a while back) and then up to Greenlake to the playground. There is a running/walking path around Greenlake and it's about 3.3 miles. I should attempt to run that some day.

I've got a b-day coming up this weekend and we will probably just go out to dinner with my folks as they will be on their way down to Palm Springs, and it's count down to when my son and I will visit there at the end of the month, 7 more days......can you tell I'm excited to get out of town. It hasn't helped that it has been raining for like 10 days straight, sometimes the weather drives me crazy in Washington! I hope everyone is having a good week and I'll by to visit your blogs here soon.

Week not going as planned and about triathalons!

This week is not going as planned. I've been sick with another cold and just so tired and run down. You would think I wouldn't feed a cold but I have, I mean not a lot but some wrong choices. And only exercised today for the week as no energy at all but I guess that's to be expected.

Is anyone out there thinking of doing a first triathalon or a first run/race? I made a plan last year to do the Danskin women's tri in August (if I can get registered in time, it sells out fast when they open it to register.) What I would have to do is a 1/2 mile swim, a 12 mile bike and a 3.1 mile run. I've wrote about this before and I'm trying to focus on what I will need to do to train for this race. So far, I've tried to get my endurance up to working out (cardio) for an hour or hour and 1/2 and started jogging last fall. I have been very sporadic in my jogging and have never gotten about 1.5 miles jogging though I usually will go a couple more miles on top of that with walking and then add on the elliptical. So I feel I have the endurance but need the right training. I'm not sure exactly what that should be and I'm gonna do some more research and reading on the subject. Of course, what I need to do is bike more and swim more that's for sure. What have you all done out in blog land to prepare for a first event?? I'm a little scared about the whole thing or maybe nervous but I'm excited at the same time.

I'm starting right now on making this a better rest of the week. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot after Monday wt loss. Hope everyone is having a good week!

weigh in day

Went to ww yesterday and had a loss of -2.8 lbs! Wooohooo! Finally a loss, it has been a real long time after my month of gaining. I wasn't sure how the week would turn out as my exercise was great and during the week I ate pretty good but the weekend I didn't count my points and didn't really diet. So I am real happy with that. This helps my mood and motivation a lot and my outlook is better and I have some optimism that I can do this again. I'm still having ups and downs but I just have to keep on this journey.

Not much else happening, I'm still working on those darn taxes and almost done. I've gotten a cold again and I just had one 2 weeks ago! So I'm pissed about that. My hubby caught one at work and obviously it's a different virus. Sick of being sick but what can you do. My son wanted to stay at Grandma's another day so I have some time to get things done around here. I miss him terribly though even though he sometimes wears me out.

Here's a quote I got off the ww newletter, "If it isn't hunger, food won't fix it!" Think I'll put that on my page to remind me. Hope everyone is having a good week!

The weekend

I felt I was doing pretty good this week as I worked out 5 times this week, but, I have been having these strong cravings for sugar or maybe it's carbs and then I cave a little on the food intake. I'm not sure if I'll have a loss on Monday or not, we'll see. The weekend wasn't as good as I wanted. We just got back from going to my mom's (it's about 3 hours away). She fed everyone pizza last night and I indulged a little too much. It is one of my trigger foods. Arrggghhh!! And just seems every time I go to visit there I eat too much junk food. I got to see both of my sisters (as one was visiting for the night and the other lives in town) so that was nice. My dad bought a new van so we aquired his old Honda Odyssey van. It has a lot of miles on it but still runs good and the only bad point is my dad spilled gas in the back and it reeks of gas. We will have to take out the carpet and dump it I'm afraid as I don't think you can get rid of that smell. My hubby was feeling a bit woozy on the drive home in it as the fumes seem strong. It will be his vehicle as he has a real old truck and wants to get rid of that soon. We also did our taxes and I just have to finish them up. I really hate doing taxes every year and wish the government would make it easier instead of these blasted forms and itemized deductions, etc. every year!

My son's school has winter break and conferences this week so he is at Grandma's for a day or two so I get a little break which is nice. I'll go to the gym tomorrow and wt watchers, finalize the taxes and clean house (can't wait!). Just kidding, I hate cleaning house but it's getting real grubby around here. Sorry, just boring old news today.

I hope everyone is having a good week!

Devil vs. the Angel

Sometimes, it feels like a little devil sitting on one shoulder and a little angel on the other. These are things I say to myself. Maybe you can recognize similar things in yourself?

The devil says "you know you can't reach your goal, you haven't so far, go ahead and eat the candy" and "who cares what you eat, it will taste so good and make you feel good" or "you know you want that pizza, or fries or ..." or even worse "your getting older" or "your ugly". The angel fights back with "this is just a little blip in the road, you have lost the most wt you ever have this past year, keep going" or "just eat healthy for today, and it will make you feel good" or "work out and push yourself, you know it will make you feel better" and "you are looking so much better than you used to getting those 40 pounds off" and "keep going, these baby steps will pay off over time and you can get to goal if you really put your mind to it!"
I think we are our own worse critic and I'm trying to let the angel win out and hear the positive comments. Usually I can do this but then the old devil pops in with his negative comments but I refuse to listen to them now. It is doing me no good.

On the exercise front it is going well, I'm going to try to get in 5 workouts this week. I started on Monday and got in 3 so far. I'm doing an hour of cardio most days (walking, jogging and elliptical machine) and then 1/2 of weight training on a few days a week. I think I will start swimming again on Friday as that is a light day at the pool. I want to start biking again but get bored easily on the stationary ones. I would like to try a spinning class. Has anyone tried one? What did you think? I love to bike outside but not in winter. When spring comes we have a great trail we do that is up to 16 miles.

I am thankful today that my Mom made it back safe from her trip to Argentina and Antartica. She was on this cruise boat and hit a hurricane type storms and 60 foot waves. The furniture was flying all over the boat, even pianos and doors. The windows were getting blown out and water coming in. She said she knows what it feels like to be on the Titanic, she was really scared for her life. They can't figure out why the captain didn't delay the trip as a storm warning was in effect. She thinks he had major pressure from the travel company to stay on schedule but jeez the risk he took as the boat wasn't as seaworthy as it could have been. My mom loves to travel to unique and far away places but we worry about her sometimes and on this trip we didn't hear from her for 2 1/2 weeks due to no email access and that was hard.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good week and I am doing a lot better and the one day at a time approach is working for now. It seems the scale is moving down about 2 pounds so I'm hoping I can keep it that way.

Ouch...that hurts!

I decided to finally go to wt watchers and weigh in today. I haven't been in a few weeks and before that I would go but not weigh in and take the easy way out. I will rip this band aid off real quick as it will be quick and painless....UP 9 Pounds! Ouch, that is painful! I don't think I've weighed in since the beginning of January. It was a lot higher than I thought it would be but I knew it would be quite a bit. As much as I hate to go out of onederland, I have to face reality and I am up 10 total pounds from my lowest (of 198) in December. I need to quit avoiding the scale and wallowing in my unhappiness and do something about it. It is amazing how quick I can gain and how slow it is to lose sometimes but at least I've stopped the madness for now. I still have a ways to go in dealing with this SAD or winter depression/blues but I am working on it.

The good news is that I'm back on program today and exercising and eating pretty good. I feel like it could be a good wt loss week (I hope) and get a big loss and take a chunk out of that gain. My short term goals are to work out at least 4 times per week and that shouldn't be a problem and to stay on the ww flex pts program. My long term goal is to lose these 10 lbs by the end of March as we are going to Vegas then. If I can lose more and get to -50 that would be great. And a little longer term goal is to get to at least -52 or more by May 1st as that will be a year from when I started this journey. I guess I am thinking of that # because it would be 52 wks in a year and get an average of a pound a week and that would be nice. I know that some people think you should put a date to lose a certain # of pounds by but I feel it will help me at this point. If I don't make the goal, it will be ok too but at least I have something to work toward these next few months.

Did you ever see that movie 'What about bob?' Funny movie. In the movie the therapist gets Bob to do baby steps to get his goals accomplished. That's how I am right now, baby steps to the gym, baby steps by eating salad, baby steps by just looking at today for now and trying to be as healthy as I can. I'm hoping one day will turn into 2 days on program and then a week and then a month. I'm going to try not to be as strict as I had been last year and maybe slow down the rate at which I lose and ease up a bit as I feel that maybe the way I was doing it set me up for a binge.

The ww meeting today was about heart disease. She made it fun and it was a game of jeopardy and we answered questions about heart disease and we did really well. It helped me to bring focus to my main reason for losing weight. Not too look better and feel better though they are very important, it is for my health!! She said that if you are in the overweight range that you are doubling your risk for heart disease and if you are even heavier it is quadrupled. Yikes, hadn't heard it put like that before and it gave me a renewed focus for trying to live a healthy life. Also, the meetings help me a lot and I have support there with the ladies and with the leader if I need it, so I have to remember that and to keep on going matter what.

I really appreciate all of you that commented on my blog recently. It helps to hear words of understanding or encouragement and to hear what wt loss struggles that you have been through too! We all will go through ups and downs on our wt loss journeys, I think there is no way around it. Thank you so much and I hope everyone has a good week.

Rock Bottom

Ok, I admit it. I've hit rock bottom, hit a real low point. I didn't want to make this the wt gain blog or the negative, pessimistic blog but I gotta write what I feel. I fell off the wagon big time. He#l I can't even catch up to the wagon matter how hard I run after it. It's like I've jumped off the high dive in the pool only to find no water at the bottom. I'm laying there thinking "how the heck am I gonna get up, now I'm down and out?". My rationality was that I would eat some crap food and then it would be out of my system. So I had the terriyaki, the chinese, the burgers w/ fries, the taco's w/ mexi fries, the ice cream, the cinnamon roll, etc., etc.....but the real low felt like yesterday. The choice was go to the gym, go to the bookstore or go get some Pad Thai noodles. The noodles won out as I said to myself "you haven't had these in months and you know you want some!" I was eating them and I wasn't even hungry and got sad. This is past food enjoyment, is this punishing myself or what? It's strange to think I used the food to block out bad feelings about some things in my life. Numb myself with food. This is scary territory. I know it's not the lowest I've been. That would be last year in April when I hit 246 and felt real bad about how I looked. So for 8 months I was good, I was on the straight and narrow and eating well week after week with hardly any slip ups. Then when xmas came, I went off program. At first just a little, then down the slippery slope to the bottom. It's not just all about the food, I have other issues in my life and one or two bad thing seems to make my good intention and progress in my wt loss go by the wayside. My wt is fluctuating wildly from up 5 pounds, then down 3, then up, then down. Anyway, just wanted to get this all out and tell you why I haven't been blogging as often. So many of you are doing so well out there and thought I could just get myself out of this but it feels like depression.

The good news is today, I started anew again. I ate right, I exercised for an hour and 1/2. I'm feeling pretty good today compared to yesterday. My goals for next week, starting on Monday I will exercise 5 days per week and I will detoxify as far as eating natural foods and lean meats and quit the processed crap. I'll take it easy this weekend but I do have some social stuff with going out to this adult bowling center w/ 5 other couples. No kids allowed for this and my sister is going to watch my son for the night so that will be nice to have some fun time. Then the super bowl on Sunday but I'm not that into it but it usually involves eating something fattening. I'm off to take my son to a carnival night at his school. Should be fun for him. Everyone have a good week!