they say it's your birthday

They say it's your birthday, da da da da da da, happy birthday to you!!!! Yep it's the big day. As I get older I used to think, 'yuck another birthday, I'm getting so old'!!! But now, after losing people to cancer last year, I'm like 'yeah! I get another birthday'!!! It is a gift, this life we get to live. It is really hard at times but we wouldn't change the chance to live it for anything.

I had a nice day out yesterday going to the play in Seattle. It was called 'Mame' and then we went to dinner at the top of the Hilton and could see out above the high rises and space needle and out to the bay. We were concentrating on talking to each other and had a nice steak dinner and it was a nice time with my mom, sister, my friend Kathy and another lady. It was nice as I asked my friend Kathy to come as my other sis couldn't make it. This is the friend that I haven't seen since the Danskin triathalon. The one where we we hit a rough patch and wrote letters to each other, hard letters about feelings about life and each other. But, in the end we are still friends as we've known each other since birth just about!!! We were neighbors and played together as babies and prob. took baths together. ha! We don't see each other very often but we still have affection for one another and want the best for each of us.

Today I got a breakfast made for me by hubby and soon here I do have to go study at the library as school won't quit for bdays. I have to learn more about the stomach and esophagus and of course, physics. This is mid terms and the stress is mounting. Good thing is that I finished my paper yesterday on the icky barium enema and it just needs a few tweaks for friday. I have to get a few more things for my speech I need to do on it like an overhead or drawing. I can't draw worth a crap so I think I'll do some transparencies on the overhead. I'll use the enema tip to simulate how you put it in the buns! I hope people aren't laughing. I have to talk for 10 minutes. I can do this! I hope I don't freeze up.

I did a short meme in the post below so check it out and I tagged a few of you. In the wt loss arena, I'm still staying the same though I ate healthy last week I think the big dinner last night did me in. I am going to start going to wt watchers again. I know, I know....some don't like the program but I have to do something to get losing again as I want to be thinner by December for a vacation I'm taking then. And of course, the most important thing is that I want to be healthier!!! The points system can get old but I may try the core program where you eat the healthy items they suggest and there is no exact portion control. Just eat how much too make you satisfied. A new concept, I hope it works for me.

I hope you are having great week and talk to ya soon!

Here's a funny old photo of us back in our scuba days...loving life....living for the chance to dive....in the caribbean with the fish....ha...I look a little uncomfortable and starting to float up! This made an excellent xmas card that year.

Got tagged

This is a meme that I got tagged with from Last Pick, Trixie at http://lastpick.blogspot.com/ who has done so wonderful with her weight loss!! I wish I could do the same. I'll keep plugging along.

Here it is......

1. Do you like blue cheese? yeah, it's ok on salad
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No!
3. Do you own a gun? No
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Never been to Sonic ( I don't think we have those up here in Wash.)
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Oh yeah. Not sure why. My blood pressure always is up right when I get there. Think it has something to do with them going to poke around on me and I don't like it!!!
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like em
7. Favorite Christmas movie? I like all the old cartoons like Rudolph and frosty still, ha! I do like 'It's a wonderful life' with Stewart too.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Usually just drinking flavored water but once in a while I like my nonfat vanilla latte's
9. Can you do push ups? I can do a few but girly ones, ha!
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Probably my wedding band or my platinum/diamond round necklace.
11. Favorite hobby? Used to be scuba diving! But, now it's just getting enough sleep!
12. Do you have A.D.D.? Nope.
13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? I second guess myself sometimes. I need to go with my gut feelings. They are usually right.
14. Middle name? Ann
15. Name 3 thoughts. I wish my school wasn't so long. I need to be making some money not interning for free!!! Oh god, another birthday here soon.....egads.
16. Name 3 things you bought today. Starbucks mocha lt. frappicino, a sandwich, toy for a gift.
17. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Diet Pepsi, bottled water, occasional latte.
18. Current worry? Money.
19. Current hate right now? People always wanting something of me....people thinking only of themselves.
20. Favorite place to be? Underwater looking at the fish. In bed sleeping. With my family having fun.
21. How did you bring in the New Year? With my husband watching tv in bed
22. Name three people who will complete this? I don't know....maybe wannab or diet coke rocks?
23. Do you own slippers? Yes!
24. What shirt are you wearing? blue V-neck shirt
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Sure
26. Can you whistle? yep
27. Favorite color? Blue! and black for clothes.
28. Would you be a pirate? sure, just pretending that is. Maybe if I could get close to Johnny Depp. ha. They actually weren't so nice and don't think I actually could.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't know, I guess some top 20 stuff
30. Favorite girl's name? Maybe Sierra.
31. Favorite boy's name? chase, my boy! ha.
32. What's in your pocket right now? Nothing.
33. Last person that made you laugh? My hubby
34. Best bed sheets as a child? Quilt with all sorts of animals on it
35. Worst injury you've ever had? Not much, just broke a finger and hurt my back another time. Having a baby, now that was the worst, ha!!!
36. Do you love where you live? No, but it's ok for now
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 2
38. Who is your loudest friend? I don't know. Maybe Kim or Kathy.
39. How many dogs do you have? None
40. Does someone have a crush on you? don't think so.
41. What kind of cereal would you be? Hmmmmm. goofy question. Maybe Chocolate cocoa puffs. I don't know.
42. What is your favorite book(s)? Haven't had much time for reading these days as it's all school books. Love, Eat, Pray was ok. Used to like romances and now just real life kind of stories and old classics of course.
43. What is your favorite candy? I like twix, caramello.....any caramel.
44. Favorite Sports Team? I guess the Seahawks. I'm not into sports much though.
45. What song do you want played at your funeral? Ugggh, not something I want to think about. Not sure.
46. What were you doing 12 AM last night? sleeping
47. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Got up, did some online banking, got my son ready for school and me too.

Ok, it's finally done......I'm going to tag WannaB, Diet Coke Rocks and Rolypolyman/spider/ironman (not sure which one he is going by!)

I will talk about my dieting attempts next time.....!!!

Feeling a bit down

Think it's the new meds that are making me feel down. My mood swings a lot too. That is not how I usually am. Just last week at work when I was talking to my advisor/teacher that visits me at the clinic, I was crying. Just not like me. I hate it. She was a bit pissy that day and directed it at me but it was just minor. It was just a bad day I guess.

Maybe I'll get my doc to switch to a different heart medicine cause it works to lower blood pressure but I'm moody though I try to control it. My hubby doesn't like it that's for sure.

Well the good thing is that we have President's day today so me and my son are going to find something fun to do. I'm still in the process of writing my paper and it's taking me a lot longer than I thought it would. I can't seem to concentrate on it!!

My sister wanted to have some fun this weekend and she talked my mom into us all meeting at a hotel near Seattle that had a pool. The kids had fun and swam a lot. I think my sister just wanted a break as none of the adults got in the pool. How could we with like 30-35 kids in a small pool! I didn't want to anyway as I'm not wanting to get into my swimsuit right now. ha. We may go to the gym today/the Y it's called and my son will play some baskeball. He's a little small for the hoops but sometimes they lower them a bit. It will give us something to do. We try raquetball but he gets bored after 5 minutes. Maybe some day I'll get a decent game. We'll walk around the indoor track unless it's nice today we will get to the park and walk. It's still cold though but yesterday was around 50 F so that was balmy for this time of year.

We made our plans to visit San Francisco in June for my hubby's 'escape from Alcatraz' race. We are looking forward to that. His family may come to see it or just to visit as they only live about an hour and 1/2 from there so he will like that.

As far as my office politics that I was talking about I won't go into it much I was just upset at the time. One of the ladies was giving me advice (not my teacher there) and then after that talking negative about the others. I decided to keep quiet as there is already some tension there between her and the others. She will not be able to convert me to her side, that's for sure! She seems like the gossip/ and backstabber type to me. I am neutral, that's good advice you all gave. I'm just there for a year and then on to a hospital the second year and I want to 'be like the duck'. What I mean is everything will run off my back just like water. Ha! Easier said than done but I can do it.

Let me know how you are all doing on your healthy living this week! I'm didn't eat out too much this week and will strive to eat at home most of this week and pack my lunches!

(I'm farting around with my header up top....obviously I don't know how to make a good one. I don't know how to make caption along with a picture. Any ideas? Or is it hard? This is me back in my scuba diving days.....I miss those days and all the sun and fun!)

A new day and thoughts swirling in my head...

It's a better day today. I hate how I get so stressed and down with all I have going on. But if I wait it out things get better. School and work combined is really stressing me out I guess.

My mom has been watching my son for 2 days so I had time to start my big paper/project and now today I will study for 2 more tests tomorrow while my hubby picks him up. It's nice to have grandparents that can do this once in a blue moon and make it a little easier. I know everyone doesn't have this option and I'm thankful for it.

My hubby and I went out to the movie 'Fool's Gold' that has Kate Hudson and Matthew McCaughney in it. It was pretty good and they seem to be good together but I got a little tired of people trying to kill them all the time as they were searching for treasure. We were in the theater and the fire alarm goes off and everyone goes out and right before we went out the door we all heard it was ok and to go back in. It happened right at the beginning of the film but at least we got to see the rest of the film. I was just thinking if we had to get out of here in a hurry it would be impossible with the theater packed. There were so many people next time I think we will just rent dvd's, it seems much more enjoyable than wall to wall people. Other than that we just layed around the house and I did a little homework. It is nice to take a day out and not do too much. We seem to never get days like that.

The eating/dieting hasn't been too bad. I'm not really making any progress but I'm still not gaining so that's a plus. I guess that all I can do right now and that's ok. I wish you all luck on your healthy living. Some of you are really making strides and a good incentive for me when I get my mojo back and start losing again.

Also about being healthy/getting thinner:

Ya know, I was sitting next to a smoker recently and this older lady lit up and just starting choking and hacking and then would take a puff on her cigarette. I was thinking 'why doesn't she just quit smoking and she won't choke like that, she wasn't choking before lighting up'. Then, I thought about it. We all have bad habits of some kind. Why is her bad habit unlike my bad habit of being chubby and not having the best relationship with food at times. Why is that any different than me not getting to a healthy weight and the emotional eating that I do at times. I go around and look at some of the wt loss blogs and some are all about this new diet or this way of eating that will work this time. Then it is off the program and gaining and back on the next best thing or the next best diet or plan. We all want the golden prize of getting thin and more importantly being healthy and feeling good about our bodies. Sometimes I feel like it's all a load of bulls*it they are feeing us in the media. I was trying to think what ever worked for me to lose weight. Sure wt watchers for a while but after that just exercising a lot made me want to make the healthy choices. I actually forgot about choosing the bad foods most days and wanted healthy food to give me energy. I was in the zone last spring/summer. The flip was switched. I was losing, though slowly, I was training for a race. I see some out there in blogland really making progress and the universal key to all of them is consistent exercise. Not a few months and stop, it is every week. So that's what I will concentrate on this week. Just get in some exercise and the rest will follow is my motto!! I want to be in that zone again and I will! I can't wait for spring and that will mean more time outdoor to workout and not all this rain. Ok, can't get away from the rain up her in Washington but it will be warmer soon.

In other news, I have a work thing that is bothering me. Already some office politics and I hate it. I am trying to stay out the fray as I'm just an intern. Maybe I'll write about that next time. Hope you all are having good weekends!!!

Been busy

I haven't had time to post or maybe haven't had much to say. Other than I am stressed!

Do you ever get so stressed to the point you just want to have a good cry? This school and work is driving me crazy. Especially the school as the work is never done and they test us constantly. This isn't med school, jeeeez! I find myself dreaming of some day far away when I can vacation and get away from it all and just lay by a beach. I know some day that day will come but for now the hard work is what I have to do.

I guess I just get down when I don't have time for friends or even some of my family, I just can't do it all. Ok, just feeling frustrated tonight. It will be better after my physics test tomorrow and I can take a mini breather before Thursday.

Also I get down about our tight, tight finances as of late. It's just another stresser. Sorry I'm a downer tonight. Probably cause I'm studying for the test tomorrow and physics sucks or maybe it's just boring to me and I'm tired and not feeling right.

I haven't been around the blogs much but I will when I get time. This weekend will be more fun with writing my paper and studying for tests. I need something to look forward too but what??!!

Oh, yeah forgot to mention that I've been having tummy cramps for 3 days (food poisoning or other?) and I went to doctor last week for my annual check up and she started me on my first ever blood pressure medicine! And she said 'by the way you have a bladder infection so here's some other meds!'
Yuck. One more incentive to get my weight down and see if it lowers my blood pressure as it's been creeping up slowly. She said I could try to go off it if I lose some weight. Of course, it may be hereditary too as my mom is thin and trim but has high blood pressure matter what. I hope that's not the case for me. I think the meds give you side affects as I've been feeling hot and sweaty and other aches and pains. Mild, but odd. Give me your opinion if you have been any meds such as these. Did you have side effects? Did you change medicine to get the right one?
Ok, I'm feeling officially old now!!! Ok, I'll quit my bitchin now. Things will be better soon.

How are you all doing if you are still out there reading?? Hope you are well!

All work and no play

All work and no play makes me a dull girl. Or something like that. I got tired of the last week and all the late study nights and minimal sleep. I need some fun, dangit!!! Ok, maybe not too much fun.

We took our son up to Seattle to go to the Pacific Science Center. He wanted to see the dinasaur exhibits and the live butterfly exhibit. We enjoyed seeing all the butterflies and all the different and pretty colors. I didn't like when they landed in my hair and flapped around. I don't know, something about feeling like a bat in my hair! ha! But, they quickly fly off and on to another person or to one of the many trees and plants. We also got to see a lot of miniature train sets all over the museum so my son was having lots of fun. I like going there and seeing all the scientific and interactive exhibits. There are so many we never get to all of them.

The next day we had a day off due to our holiday celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr. and I took my son to the beach/ocean. It was a sunny day but near freezing, I think! But, he wanted to play next to the water and in the sand and pretend the big logs were pirate boats. I was freezing by the end of the afternoon. We then went downtown and he wanted to ride the light rail/train type commuter. It is free in the city and we took a whirl on that and looked around the town and he managed to find a popcorn store where you can get like 20 different flavors of popcorn and so carmel corn it was for him.

I also rented some dvd's and saw 'The Constant Gardener' and 'Eastern Promises'. Both sad films and not uplifting. I heard Viggo was in Eastern Promises and was nominated for an award and that he is 1/2 naked in that so I was wanting to see that. I'm a fan. Ha! I got more than I bargained for as there is a fight scene in the nude. But, the film had lots of violent parts as it is about the russian mafia so I didn't like how I can't forget about the icky parts.

Anyway, I didn't do a lot of studying this weekend and went to clinic today and doing pretty good on doing the xrays though I have lots to learn. I have to do a big paper on 'how do do a barium enema' and also speak on that for 10 minutes and get videotaped. Ah, lovely. Just want I always wanted to do. I haven't started the paper and I have about a month so I'll think on that some more and get to view one on Thursday. Ah, more fun!! (Just kidding!) My supervisor says 'you can do the enema if you want!' I'm like 'no thank you!' I really want to see one done before I start poking people. yuck. I know, it's part of the job and I must learn. bluck!!!

As for the healthy living, I'm doing ok an just maintaining my weight. I did start some exercise but not as much as I should. Tomorrow is a new day and hope to get in some walking after school. Stop by and say 'hi' and tell me how you are doing this week!!!

Slowly getting back into it

I'm slowly getting back into working out. It has been a long, long break. The fall was filled with sadness for me if you are a reader of my blog and stress of my school and time constraints made it all too easy to quit working out. But, I'm back at it even if it is only walking for now. Soon, I will add weight lifting and then get back to other things like the elliptical and yoga. Not sure about the running! I do miss biking though but the weather is crap these days and I've never tried the indoor spinning. Have any of you tired it? My hubby has and he says some of the teachers are tough and that it's a good workout.

I've been busy with school and it's going pretty good. The hard part is the physics class. I'm not enjoying it that much and I'm trying to get my head around it and really understand it. Wish me luck!!! I never have taken a class such as this. The anatomy and postioning for xray is going well as well as my internship at the clinic. I'm liking those things.

Not too much time for fun but I did go to a baby shower yesterday and the lady hosting it is married to an old family friend. A guy I grew up with whose mom is my mom's best friend. This guy has done really well for himself and has one of those 'street of dreams' houses. If you don't know what that is, they are prob. million dollar homes I would guess. It was awesome with a whole workout room and a room that looked like a mini-theater and also room for a pool table and outdoor hot tub and overlooking the golf course. He's living large but he is a lawyer and works all the time. I'm not sure if I would make that trade off or not. Do you have time to enjoy it all? I don't think I like to work more than 40-50 hours a week but the money would be nice. Anyway, it was a nice shower and the mom to be (who is married to his younger brother) got some really nice things and it fun to see how excited someone gets when expected their first child.

Other than that, not a lot going on. Had a chance to spend my gift cards at the mall and got some new clothes and shoes and had my hair done with a gift card too. I missed out on going up to the mountain to go inner-tubing with my son and hubby but I have to put in the study time to get decent grades. It sucks but whatcha gonna do. I have to miss tonight out with friends too due to this darn physics test coming up. I haven't seen them since November and they are going out for Thai food....waaaaahhhhh.....but I made the decision and I'll see them next month. It is just quite a ways for me to get up to Seattle and I need to be at the library. My son and hubby are missing me too. It is fricken hard to go back to school and give everyone my time too. It just ain't possible. Ok, just feeling the pressure a bit at the moment.

Hope everyone is doing good on their fitness journeys. I'll check in with you soon.

The New Year

How's your new year going? Mine is going fine. Got over the sickness for the most part so I'm happy about that. The bad part is a lot of people are sick at my school and they sit by me and now that I'm working in the clinic I'm around sick people all the time!

What I need to do is take better care of myself cause it seems my immune system sucks and I catch every cold around! I was pretty nervous on my first day at the clinic that I'm interning at twice a week. My fears were unfounded because they were a nice group of people and I think it will be a good place to work. We were so busy with xray and didn't stop for like 5 hours. It finally slowed down and we could take a breather. I'm sure not used to working on my feet for 8 hours a day. Think I need to find some more comfortable shoes. My tennis shoes are ok but I'm sure I can find something better. I was mostly observing the xrays and patient interaction but my the end of the day I was assisting the tech with greeting the patients and giving them instruction and doing some of the technical things and some computer work. We did so many chest xrays that I probably will be proficient at that real soon!

Ok, enough boring talk about xrays but that is my life these days. Looks like the academic classes will be challenging too. I was sorry to hear that we lost 3 students due to them flunking out of a class. Our class is dwindling fast as we started with 24 and down to 20. I hope no one else has to drop out but it's bound to happen. 2 years is a long time to commit to the program or really it takes 3,4 or 5 years when you figure in all the prerequisites and waiting to get acceptance into the program. Sometimes I wish I picked something a little easier a little shorter like a pharamcy tech. But, it didn't make sense to make less than I did as a administrative assistant. I wanted to make more money than I used to and eventually I will. I just hope I like this field. It seems ok so far but I wonder if people get bored doing the same thing over and over. There is some variety and I do like the interaction of meeting new people all the time though it is for a brief time.

Not much happening this weekend. My parents came to visit overnight and they are off to visit my Aunt. She is the one who lost her husband recently (my dad's brother) but she is doing as well as can be expected and went back to sub/teaching to keep busy. She has a large family of of sons and a daughter a lots of grandkids that she needs to be there for. I think religion is helping her out a lot with coping. She said somethign about a poem someone gave her saying 'this year she is spending christmas with God'. Anyway I'm just rambling on.

What is everyone's New Year's resolutions? I didn't really make one but mine really is to get more healthy and lose weight and in turn get my blood pressure and cholesterol in a normal range as they are a tad bid high and I don't want to go on meds if I can help it. We'll see. It sucks getting older as it seems more things start to happen. I want to go to that movie 'Atonement' today but we'll see if I can make it.

Tell me what you are up to and leave a note!! Check out this cute 'Happy New Year' clip at http://web.icq.com/friendship/swf/0,,16961_rs,00.swf.
All we did for New Year's was drink sparkling cider out of my big, hug Margaritaville glass and let off poppers and blow horns and shoot silly sting. My boy loved it and we did our party early thought me and my hubby did watch the fireworks in Seattle on the TV.

Happy Holidays.....and the good and the bad

Happy Holidays to everyone!!! I haven't been blogging much but hey I've been on vacation! I did get some time to comment on a few of your blogs a while back but I was away at my mom and dad's for a while and had to do the family thing and visit and go to movies. Seemed there was no time to just surf the net. We played some board games, watched movies and had some time experiencing the Wii game system as the cousins love that.

We had a nice Christmas and a good time was had by everyone. There was a downside which was some of the kids had the flu and a lot of us had colds and I've had this chest cold with bronchitis like symptoms. Yeah, sucks. I had to miss a day in Seattle to go to a great play due to a fever and coughing up. Seems like I've never really kicked this cold but it is easing up now. It was not fun at xmas to see one kid after another get the barfs. yuck!!!

I got a few clothes and lots of gift cards to a department store in the mall and one to Starbucks. So, I will be shopping again here real soon. The malls are still really crowded so I'm staying away from now as I'm sick of crowds. I gearing up to go back to school on Wednesday so looking forward to that. I'm starting my internship at a large clinic so I'm a little apprehensive as to what to expect. I'm hoping at first I just follow someone around and watch them do xrays before they throw me into the fire. I haven't even gotten my scrubs yet and will get them the day before. I hope they fit.

Yeah, weight loss hasn't been happening. I fluctuate up and down 5 pounds with being sick but it seems to come right back on. We may go to the gym today and I haven't been in ages as I've felt like crap but I can do some walking at least. Nothing planned for the new year, we don't do parties anymore. We'll try to stay up till 12am and watch the ball drop on tv. Oh, how exciting my life is. ha!

Thanks out to WannaBslim for the xmas card from way down in Tasmania! Wow, I appreciate that and it was a lovely card. I've never been down that way or even to Australia or New Zealand. Diving the great barrier reef is definitely on my list of things to do before I die! I will get there, just not now. Check out her blog and check out her awesome weight loss progress. She's definitely one of my inspirations that people can succeed at this weight loss game.

My hubby is all hyped up about his Escape from Alcatraz race as he just got to register. It's not until June though. He will get to swim near the infamous Alcatraz Island in San Francisco and brave the cold, cold waters and hopefully not shark sitings! It looks like a hard bike ride and run too as they run some on the sand and lots and lots of hills. I think the water part would be the hardest as it is a long swim. I hope I can be there as it will probably be around my finals week. Some of my family wanted to go watch but there are 2 graduations this June - my neice and nephew so everyone will be busy with that. I will make it, it will be fun. It is hard to watch a triathalon but you can be at key spots to see them. Plus, I love me some San Francisco so we'll see if we can afford it.

I'm off to check on your blogs and you are all well and having a relaxing holiday season now that the xmas rush is over. I can't believe we didn't take any xmas photos, dangit!

Vegas again

Sorry haven't been on the blog much but have been real busy!! Just got back from that Vegas vacation I was talking about a while back. We took my 21 yr old nephew down there to have some fun. He seemed to enjoy playing blackjack and looking at all the sights. The highlight was seeing the show 'Love' set to the Beatles music. I guess they bought the rights to the songs from Sgt. Peppers album or others and it was a mix of dance and acrobatics and a play all rolled into one. It was awesome as I got lucky and in the front row. I picked up the cd '1' of the Beatles hits and look forward to listening to that. It's been a long time since I've listened to their music and enjoying it again. I don't think I have any of their music though I must have years and years ago.

The down side of Vegas was losing money I shouldn't have and got my mom's cold and I just had one! So had a bit of trouble flying today as got a real bad sinus headache with the air pressure when we were come down. And of course, we stayed out way too late so gotta pay the price today and feel like crap. You pay you play, I guess. But, it was worth it and so fun to get away without worrying about my cares and responsibilities for a bit. And got to spend lots of time with my mom, sisters and nephew which we don't get too do too often.

My finals got over last week and they went well. Think an A and 2 B+ and one C. Dissapointed in that C but whatcha gonna do. I just checked on my grades for the whole quarter and I got 2 A's and A- and 2 B's. So that's not bad at all and I'm happy about it.

I was a bit sad being in Vegas again as my friend Dawn is no longer there. It is just strange cause we always see each other every time I was there. I did talk to Dawn's family and it is a hard time as the first xmas without her there and her daughter is having a hard time. It will get easier but it's just so sad. I hate to see people die early in life, it doesn't seem right.

Well, gotta go get the husband and spend time with my boy. I need to finish getting ready for Christmas this week as I am so not ready!! But, I will be. I'll get it done, I always do. Let me know what you are all up to!!! And hey, WannaB, no xmas card in the mail. I think it takes a long while from down under.

Life on hold

I'm feeling like life is on hold for finals this week. I've had one really hard final this week. There were 150 questions and at least 40 I had no clue on. She was trying to trip us up and I hope I guessed right. A lot of us don't care for this teacher. She's not personable and we study so hard and then have trouble on her big tests. The other teachers area a lot easier. They give you the material, you study it and do well. This harder teacher has you write bookfuls of notes and then tests you on obscure things in the book and things we didn't even talk about. Frustrating. I just pray that I passed the course as I had a good average on going into this final. Some people were on the borderline and I pray she doesn't flunk them out of the program. We got a lot of worried and bitchin people in my class this week.

I've put a hold on everything as far as getting ready for Christmas and having fun. It is all about the tests and school. I know I can't do this all weekend. My son wants to get a tree set up and lights up. I'm feeling stress as I haven't gotten any gifts except 2 and I need to get about 20. Ok, just focus, on Wednesday afternoon I will be done and can move on to the shopping. But, I have other committments as I have to do a school fundraiser and work in the mall doing gift wrapping next Friday and then I'm going out of town Saturday - Tuesday to Vegas. I am looking forward to it but then I'm wishing I had more time for Xmas. I will get it done but I hate leaving it to the last week before xmas, as I hate the zoo at the malls. I would try to shop online but I need different kind of gifts and need to go out and find specific things.

Sorry life is boring at the moment and not much to blog about and it's so not interesting....think of me at the library all day tomorrow I'll try not to nod off but it is nice in that it is so quiet there and I can get some studying done. My hubby and son will go off to the animal shelter and take a course on walking the dogs there. They should have fun with that.

My son and I have picked up another cold and it sucks. I think the kids pass around germs and then we get sick again so hopefully will be feeling better soon. I finally got our computer fixed and it cost us $130. It got so bad that there was a red screen/desktop backdrop and had an awful symbol and couldn't hardly use the computer. We are certainly going to watch how we surf on the net from now on as that's prob. how the computer got the virus. I just went around to most of your blogs and left comments. Let me know how you are doing! Ah yeah, haven't been dieting but haven't been gaining either so at least that's something.

green eyed monster or just bad body image

Wow, another post just after I posted 2 days ago! I was just out surfing even though my computer is still in the shop but the laptop is working out ok.

What I wanted to talk about is the green eyed monster and my own body image. I am working on little sleep tonight as I have been burning the candle at both ends with my tests this week so maybe that's why I feel a little down. I find myself jealous of others in my college class or maybe it is guilt for how I measure up. The young, thin women that are so sure of themselves and their bodies. The lady next to me (that is actually older than me) that is so slim and trim and nice looking for her age. I can't chalk it up to her asian roots. This lady takes care of herself. I find that when we went out to lunch the other day I felt like a big cow when I see how little she eats. She reminds me of the girls from long ago, like high school who would say "I am so fat" and in reality they are so skinny. She didn't say that statement. It was more like, "wow, that is a huge portion of food" she got served and then eats like a mouse and has mammoth leftovers. I feel like she is saying to me and another lady, "do not eat all that is on you plate, you little piggies". I know a lot of it is me and how I feel right now about my body size. And, with the younger women, I just think 'wow, I was once like they are and thin and trim and confident'. Wow, I think, what the hell happened to me? How have I gotten so off course. And, the million dollar question, 'why can't I lose all this weight for good?'

Yeah, just feeling negative tonight. I guess I just get tired of it being on my mind every frickin single day of my life. I feel judged for my size, I don't feel as good as others that are thin. Somedays I do, I really do. I know my heart and my brain/my intelligence is on par with others but when did I quit taking care of myself? Why did I think that appearance didn't matter that much years ago after I was married? Why did I slide? I know a lot of it is emotional baggage and eating combined with issues in my life. Then of course, being more sedentary and having a child added to it.

That just reminded me of a conversation classmates were having about the after effects of having a child and what it can do to your body. They older lady I was talking about was saying to the young 20 somethings "you can have a good body after having a child, I didn't have stretch marks". Then someone says, "well, then you get saggy boobs after childbirth" and she is like "no you don't have to". I'm thinking I don't know, does she need her ego stroked that she is looking good after 2 kids. I find her to be a bit of a flirt and likes the attention too. She is so different than I am. Of course, I'm thinking of me and some of my friends "what planet does this lady live on?" Almost everyone I know has stretch marks or some wt gain or some body change. Of course, there are exceptions. I'm not trying to dog this person. Actually I really like other aspects of her personality and she is my closest classmate in my class as I sit next to her. But, I can tell that some of her comments or just the way she is will irritate me though I won't show it. I suppose shouldn't blog about others as I'm just asking for trouble.

I want to be that lady in the fit, little jeans looking good!!! I really want to be that thinner, healthy, active person. I get a glimpse of her from time to like last summer with the triathalon. I really thought I was on my way to getting to a healthy weight. But again, Bam!! Life sidetracks me and I am off the wagon. Of course, there are positives in my life, like learning a new profession and my family. But, this one aspect of my life, my own body shape makes me so unhappy. Just reading this it would seem, 'hell, do something about it!'. Of course it is not that easy or everyone would be slim and trim and that is so not the case here in America or the world for that matter.

I remember a saying that we take better care of our cars than of our body. Hmmmm, don't know if that is true but I find myself trying to take care of my family, my son and everyone else before I take care of me. Not sure why I do that, but it just the way it is. I think a lot of us women out there do this. Especially since being a mom....you let things slide, things you used to love doing, things you enjoy. There just isn't enough time for things that make you happy.

Sorry for the downer post, just the way I am feeling. I need to get my head right and live healthier and the good feelings will follow again. When the stress of finals is over, the gym rat will be back and I'll get in some fun at the gym. I actually really miss it but have no time for it. Or that's my excuse anyway. This post is all over the place today. And green eyed monster, or whatever this is.....leave me alone.

Share your thoughts on your own body image with me! How do you feel about your size? Are you ok with it or does it really bug you and on your mind a lot?

Snow flurries

Yikes! We are having snow flurries here. Yuck! It is minor but it looks like snow weather in the sky. I don't want it as it's too hard to get around. But, of course, my boy is praying for it so we can go sledding. Ahhhhh, to be a kid again and just want snow to make us happy.

My main computer is in the shop today and who knows when we'll get it back. I'm not looking forward to the cost but I couldn't stand the computer pop ups. Got some trojan horse file or something that McAfee can't fix and they (whoever the hacker is) is changing my homepage and screen background and matter what I do I can't stop them. I'm limited on what I know about computers so it's time for the professionals. I found an old laptop I have and hooked it up so that will be internet access for now. Of course, it doesn't have all my favorites lists/links to your blogs and all the other files on my computer that I need but it'll have to do.

I'm just getting ready to study for a test on Monday and my first final on Wednesday. Then I have like 4 on the week of Dec.10-13 and then done. Stress is hitting! I'm studying things like Pnumbra and compton scattering and it's a bit boring and confusing. All back to electrons and photons and chemistry crapola. I'm hanging in there though. On Friday in our patient care lab we got to take turns stabbing each other with a needle to try to draw blood. I guess eventually we will not really do blood work but will have to run IV lines for our contrast/xray studies. I couldn't draw blood though I was in the right area. Frustrating. But, she didn't give us another try and when I work at the clininc or hospital I will get some more training. I was getting nervous as I don't want to be sticking people if I don't know what I'm doing. I know a friend of mine who went in for something once and ended up getting poked for veins like 4 times and it was a mess. I don't want to be that person. I want to get it right the first time. It's harder than I thought, that's for sure and didn't help that my lab partner was freaking out and nervous. I felt I was calm as a cucumber for my injection and I have good veins so she got some blood out of me.

Not too much else happening this weekend. I hope to get in a little xmas shopping tomorrow but don't have much time. I'm starting to feel the xmas crunch as I need to get some shopping done. I hate waiting till the last minute and having to deal with all the crowds of people at the mall. Hate that. So I will try to shop during the week as that should be better but where to find some time with finals.

My mom got back from Morocco and she didn't share any pictures with me, except a postcard of camels. They did a little camel riding and gave my son a cute camel toy. She had a good trip but is glad to be home. Some of the places she has been have been so exotic and to the far reaches of the earth like Galapagos and Antartica and Mongolia. I can live through the adventures she has and she will share stories and pictures soon.

Ok, I need to quit procrastinating and get to the library as staying home I find all kinds of distractions and don't get anything done. Hubby and son went to the mall to find shoes so I got some time. Hope you are all having a good weekend. I wish I could have some fun but now is not the time. One of these days I will take my son to a xmas movie. Maybe Fred Claus or Enchanted or something. And I'm going to the gym tomorrow come hell or high water!!!! I need to lose some acreage on this body!

Computer problems

Having a lot of computer problems! Our main pc has got some kind of bug from the internet and is driving me crazy. My husband said it kinda of crashed this weekend and I said 'what have you been looking at on the net'? ha. Who knows. Now I am on a different old laptop we have so my internet surfing will have to slow down for a while. I don't have any or your blogs saved on this computer as favorites so it's hard to get around to all the blogs right now. I think I'll buy some anti-virus software or something. We used to use McAfee. What do you all use out there if you have it?

I had a nice week with some days off. Had a nice family get together at Thanksgiving and also went to a play and stayed the night in Seattle at a hotel. It was fun but I felt like all we did was eat and eat and drink some more. It was a quick stay. They went off Christmas shopping but I had a date with my school books cause I always have tests on Monday. Three more weeks and I'm done for xmas break.

I have decided to go to Las Vegas with my family in mid-December. They are going as my nephew just turned 21 and want to show him the sites. I kept saying I didn't want to go as I was there so much this year visiting Dawn and now that's she's passed away I know vegas won't be the same as I can't see her. But....I've reconsidered and life goes on. I'll be on xmas break and I want to have fun with my family and it's paid for by my Mom so I can't pass it up now as both sisters are going too. I'm not sure how much fun my nephew will have with us old ladies, ha! I was joking with my sister that I would take him out to the hot dance clubs and show him around. I like to get her goat, ya know. Her thinking I would corrupt her son as show him the bad side of vegas, ha. She thinks I have a dark side I suppose. I guess I was the wildest of us 3 sisters as she married almost the 1st guy she dated in high school. I said 'we can all go out dancing' and she just laughed. She used to love to dance but she said all the guys in her family (she has 2 boys) aren't dancers. I do prefer to go down there when it's warm as I like to go by the pool. We can't stay in the casino all the time or we are going to be broke on day 1. We are going to take in a show. I think it's called 'love' and is about the beatles music so I'm looking forward to that.

The eating isn't too good but it could be worse. I'm going to really try to be on track tomorrow. My son wants to watch the movie 'Ratatouille' now that we rented. I heard it was pretty good. Tell me what you are up to out there in blogland! That will also give me a link to click back to visit your blogs now that I can't access my favorites list. Have a good week everyone.

Happy Turkey Day

Happy Turkey day to all of you. Just a quick post to wish you all well this holiday season if you celebrate it!!

I'm doing ok on the healthy eating this week and will probably start weighing in next week. Looks like I've stopped the upward trend and hope to get in some exercise this week as I have more time. Finished my two tests for the week at school and felt like they went pretty well. The rest of the week I am off, wooooohooooo! Love the holiday break but I do have to get in some studying time still.

I'm going to a play on Saturday and then start my xmas shopping and spending time with my family and with my mom and 2 sisters this weekend. That will be nice. My mom got back in one piece from Morocco but haven't heard much about the trip yet as she is jet-lagged. I'll see her on Thanksgiving and hear the stories.

I'll get back to blogging more next week and take care. I hope I survive the turkey day food extravaganza.

Time to face the music

I suppose it's time to face the music. Time to face what I have been ignoring the past 2 1/2 months. Time to stop the backslide I have been in. The weight gain, the negative thoughts. So the big bad number is 219. So I slid about 16 pounds. That's pretty impressive in that time frame. But, I had a lot of help with eating out a lot, especially tacos, not sure why. Eating candy, ice cream and snacks a lot. But, I think it is done, I hope. I'm sick of the junk. I've started a new day today. A new day to start exercising and eat right. I need to find a different way to cope with my stress. I know why the backslide happened. I was feeling so low after losing 2 people I love. I quit caring about taking care of myself. I was feeling a lot of sadness and stress with college too. Of course, that stress hasn't gone away.

It is really hard to see this number on the scale. But if I'm not accountable then how am I going to change it? I refuse to go up in pants size. My pants are tight and I don't know if there are fatter pants to be found. I mean I used to have some bigger sizes but I think I threw them out when I was gung ho and losing. I'm sick of myself. I am sick about the constant yo yoing. I think I did this at Christmas. I yo yo'ed back up to 220 and then in April started again and with the exercising and tri training got down to 201-203. Then an emotional backslide. How many times can I do this? Why am I hurting myself this way? Maybe even hurting my health. I think it's that I just get so tired of doing it. The dieting. The eating healthy, the exercise. No one said these were fun things. I have to find a way to get out of this cycle cause let me tell you it feels like hell and I'm stuck in it. My own private hell. Some of you know what I'm talking about as you've been there too. There is no magic cure. I keep searching for it. There is no nirvana, it's just regular old life and it's hard sometimes. There is never going to be an easy way for me as far as getting to a normal weight and living healthy. But I have to keep trying. I think it is exercise and trying to be kind to myself and then making good food choices most of the time is they key. I'm giving the devil a kick in the groin and saying 'I'm not going to stay here any longer!'

So back to being accountable. Maybe not the wisest of time to choose to get back on the healthy eating wagon as Turkey day is next week and always a temptation. But, it is just a day, one day. And what would be the alternative? Getting bigger and bigger and seeing next year getting closest to my highest weight. No, no, no! Don't want to go there as I know I'll just feel worse and worse about myself about this one area in my life.

So I've been looking at spark pages and web sites. I'm looking at success stories, I'm trying to find the mojo that I've been lacking. Today I will walk with my son but I have school here in a second but I need to make the time. I will do the walk after both our schools are finished this afternoon. He likes going to the gym anyway as it looks like the outside weather may suck today. Here's some of the quotes and advice I've come across that I liked:

from Bree Wee's site, a triathalon lady:

'If we think negative thoughts we limit ourselves.'

'The mind determines what’s possible, the heart surpasses it.'

From Spark people success story, Wendy:

'Set achievable goals and celebrate when you reach them. Be consistent in always getting back up when you fall, just keep going. Be honest with yourself and others, no more hiding. Get excited, find what motivates you. Visualize where you want to be and remember how far you've come.'

'It’s not just the weight loss, it’s the whole development of good feelings about life, people, and excitement for what the future holds.'

These are some good thoughts to get me started again. I get inspiration from them and from others out there that are starting living healthy again. If they can do it, so can I. And of course all you bloggers out there that I follow who are doing so well too, you are an inspiration. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time is all that I can do. I hope you are all doing well this week and leave me a comment and tell me how you are doing!

inner demons

Was looking at the spark boards and there was a thread called 'your inner demons'. It was interesting, we all have them. It's what doesn't keep us on the track to getting healthy and losing more weight. Most of the people commented had to say some food had control over them, especially at night. Lately my vice has been ice cream and a little candy. Darn you Dairy Queen and Halloween!! One lady said her demon is the voice that tells her that she is so busy that she doesn't need to worry about working out. I hear that voice too. ha. Another lady named Carol (from Spark) had this quote below her comment:

"once you set your mind to it, and stop fighting with yourself, and being hard on yourself, and having low self-esteem, and being your own worst enemy.... losing weight is the easiest thing in the world!!!!!"

Ok, like the comment, it makes some sense to me. But, if you're stuck in a rut or a big backslide (like I am) how do you get to that point. I'm really been hearing the voice that I said above that I'm just too busy which I have been. Like I reason with myself that I'm working on my intellectual side now with school and the physical will have to wait. That doesn't make sense I know, but it's the mind games we play. I have time for 30 minutes of walking on some days, I just have to do it. I did do a little biking this week as the weather wasn't bad so at least that was something. This weekend I'll get in some walking. I really am missing the gym but it takes me 30 minutes to get there so that isn't easy to get there when I'm busy but I need to. What are your inner demons?

As for the rest of life, it is going fine. I got B's and and A on my mid terms. It was really stressful but I made it through. Now I get to breath a little and can make do and ease up a little, well maybe not too much, still have to keep up on the studying, but a little breather before the finals in December.

Think the husband is feeling a bit neglected as he says 'I need a lover not a student'. Aiiiyyy yiiii yiiiiii. Guess I'll have to work on that. It's hard to find the balance to do well at school and keep everyone else happy too.

I took my son to "The Bee movie" yesterday. He seemed to like it but he did get a little restless when they had some lawyer/judge/court scenes. Also, took him to a party this week and wow, what a house this lady had. About 3300 square feet and I was just thinking how would I clean it all if it were my house? I have trouble with my smaller place and need to clean right now. Now we have another kid party at the end of the week and they get to do some exercise/gym play time so that will be good. Maybe I'll know a mommy or 2 so that will be good.

We got some dvd's last night, we watched 'Transformers' as we thought our son would sit through that. It wasn't bad. Now we have 'Premonition' with Sandra Bullock to watch but the question is when. The kid won't let us watch without a lot of interruptions so it will have to be late when he is in bed. Looks like an interesting movie.

Been down with a cold this week but no time to rest so that has sucked but I think it is easing up, thank god, but I've been so tired all the time. Oh yeah and my echo test they were doing on my heart valves came back A-ok so I'm real happy about that. Now, I just need to do my part and start to live healthier than I have these last 2 months and get my cholesterol down a bit.

Sorry the blog is not much about wt loss at the moment but I will try to post some wt loss related stuff in the future. I hope you are all doing well this week and hope to get around to your blogs in the next few days!

Too much candy!

My son and his friend had a good time trick or treating and the only bad thing is there is too much candy in the house!! Here's a picture of him as (muscle) spiderman and his friend as super girl and also a picture of a scary monsters' head. These people who had the monster really did it up and had those life sized wax people whose eyes follow you and talk to you. Their house was the best on the block in our friend's neighborhood. My friends made up mummy dogs (hot dogs in rolls) and scary deviled eggs and cupcakes and the kids enjoyed that. So did I as I love those deviled eggs. ha. But the bad things is her grandma made chili and you don't want my husband and chili to get together, not a pretty site, ha! We didn't end up staying out too late cause of the school night but those kids found a way to get tons of candy anyway. Now, we are trying to limit how much of it we eat but it is everywhere. Oh well.

My mid terms are going well but I have a nasty weekend ahead of me of studying in the library and at home. I have to take a break to go to a birthday party tomorrow night for my son's friend and all the mom's get together to talk. Also, I have to find time for my family, we will go out to eat tonight or something. It's so damn hard this week to get enough time for everyone, especially this week it's crazy or I'm going crazy I think. I'm not getting enought sleep but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Also, I haven't stopped hearing the 'Margaritaville' song yet. (Like I talked about a few posts back). I heard it when I clicked on a web site and when I went to Taco Time, like 5 seconds after I got in there here comes the song again. And also, on the radio too. It's way past coincidence and driving me a little bonkers, ha. It was always a good song though and I think it's proof that Dawn is in heaven looking down. Ha, close enough to proof for me as it's always nice to imagine that there is a heaven and that we will go there after we pass over even though we don't have the physical proof.

Not much else happening besides the studying but I just got back from my son's school as I was helping out a project we are all doing called 'Operation Christmas or Samaritan Purse'. It is a really good cause and we buy gifts/toy for kids and put them in a shoe box and wrap them and they will go around the world other countries and kids will have a gift for Christmas and of course they will learn a bit about God in the process. I can't imagine a child getting their first gift ever as some of these kids have nothing.

My mom is off to Morrocco tomorrow and I wish her a safe trip. I always worry these days when she goes over near the middle east but I guess this is north africa. She was talking about not worrying of gypsies (stole her stuff last time) but she is a little worried of terrorists. I'm like 'why go then?' and then she says, 'no, I'm not worried'. I hope she has a good time and she loves her traveling; we couldn't stop her if we tried.

Tell me how life is treating you! Now I'll go try to clean house for a second, it looks like a bomb went off in here and I don't have the time I used to have to clean and it sucks. Hope everyone has a good weekend. Think of me slaving away in the libary and wish me luck on the mammoth 2 tests on Monday. I'm a little worried but somehow I usually pull it off and do well. Must be the last minute cramming I do. ha.

How was your weekend

How was everyone's weekend? Mine is going pretty well. Went bowling Friday night with some friends up in Seattle. It's been a long time since I bowled and I was lucky to hit 100. Most of use weren't too good except for one of my friend's husband. We then went to a friends house nearby and checked out her condo all decked out for Halloween and had some appetizers. I refrained from the drinking as I was driving but I would have liked to but I did have a beer at the bowling alley. My friend makes a mean martini and I would have like to try it but it wasn't that important. It was good to see all the ladies show up (we have a group of 6) and this is the first time in a long time that everyone made it. My hubby was the only spouse/boyfriend that didn't go so I wasn't that happy about that but I wasn't going to force him. Ha, next time I will. It's usually the ladies only but once in a while we invite the husband/or boyfriends. It was also nice to share some sad times with them and some laughs too. It did me a world of good.

Saturday was spent studying and getting my hair done...got it cut and some more blond in there so I guess I'm happy with it though it seems too short as I got quite a few inches off. Now I'm playing with my boy and we will go do something outside or go somewhere soon as the husband is having some time with one of his friends. I also have 4 tests to study for this week. It's the dreaded mid terms! I am just about ready for the one tomorrow but Wednesday's test is going to be a nightmare as it's a lot of new things about radiology and all the stuff we have been learning since the 1st day of class. I'm trying to get the time in studying but I have to spend some time with family too, so it's hard to find that balance.

I also have one more medical test this week, that echo test on the heart at the cardiac center. I hope it will be a quick test and then hopefully I'm done with going to doctors for now. I'm feeling pretty good but, of course, I need to clean up my diet and get the cholesterol down a little and keep tabs on my blood pressure as it seemed to be up a little each time I check it. We got to practice in our lab with stethoscopes and blood pressure cuffs and of course on the automatic pressure machine my pressure was the highest of our group of eight. Hated that and I just relaxed and took it later and it was lower. I think I get nervous when they put that cuff on or something, it's weird. I know I definitely do that at the doctor's, get the 'white coat syndrome' and the pressure shoots up. Maybe I don't want to hear bad news? I don't know it's strange.

Other news, I did do that letter to my friend the one I have been talking about. So that was good to get it done. I tried to be as honest as I could and I'm not sure how she will take it. But at least it's done with and somewhat out of my mind.

We are going to take our son out trick or treating this week with some friends and I just have to survive the testing week. I'm nervous for the lab mid term on Friday too as you get to pick a card at random and that's the xray's you take. So, I gotta know my stuff and how to use the xray equipment and how to line up/center patients and all the other things I need to know. The pressure is on, that's for sure. I find myself counting down the days till the Thanksgiving break in November.

Tell me all what you have done this weekend or looking forward to. Are you dressing up for Halloween? Maybe I'll get a witch hat or something as I'm tired of being the kitty cat. My son will be Spiderman and my hubby is going to be a white trash, buck toothed hillbilly I guess. He has these goofy glasses and big teeth and a mullet hair cut wig with the short hair in front and the long hair in back. I thought that he looked a tiny bit like 'Joe Dirt' if you've see that movie. I guess he's going to wear it to work, I hope other people dress up as last year he was about the only one.

There is a bright, bright spot on the distant horizon. My parents will have their 50th wedding anniversary next fall and we asked if they wanted a party but she says 'let's go on a cruise'! So it looks like the southern caribbean for December 08 xmas with sisters, parents, kids, spouses. Oh yeah, that's something that I will really like doing as never cruised on a boat that size. Now, I'm dreaming of scuba diving in the warm island waters. Ahhhh.... I wish it was this year but it will be nice to be with all my family. I was kind of hoping for land based vacation but this will fun to see what a cruise is like.

I was trying to re-arrange the top of my blog. Can you put more than one picture up on your blog on the top header thing? I guess I need to do some research, I'm not too good on the layout/design thing. I notice a lot of you change the look of your blog from time to time. That picture above is when we lived on Maui and that is my hubby walking toward the water, we were looking for a place to sit and this was our beach near our apartment in Kihei. I remember just going and laying in the sun and going swimming and snorkeling would just lift your spirits. There is no bad day at the beach. Wish I was there now!!

I almost wanted to go up to a Seattle bloggers meet and greet today to meet the infamous Dave from Blogography.com and others. He has a cool blog and like how he rants at the world and his sense of humor and especially all his travel reports. But, I'm not really in the popular bloggers group and life is just too darn busy these days so I will vicariously live through reading about other bloggers meeting each other. Wouldn't it be cool for all of us to meet? Ha, I know it darn well impossible as some of you are 1/2 the world away. Oh well.

Hope you are all well out there in blogland. Stop by and say hi, I like to hear from you.

Wasting away again in Margaritaville

See I didn't stay away long....I planned to but I missed my blogging and the interaction with all of you.

Why 'Wasting away again in Margaritaville' as the title? Well, for those of you that have been reading my blog for a while it's in regards to my friend Dawn who I lost to cancer recently. This summer she talked to me of how she thought her sister (who died at 12) who she thought would tap on her shoulder and Dawn would look around and think, 'what was that'? Like a touch from beyond or something. So Dawn says to me, 'I can tap you on the shoulder after I'm gone' and you will know I'm there. I thought is might creep me out to feel a tap so I told her 'no, how about you play a Jimmy Buffet song for me'. Dawn was a big fan and everytime I got into her car she would have his cd on. And everytime I would visit most times I would stay at the Flamingo hotel which has Buffet's Margaritaville Restaurant in it. We would go there a lot of times to have a few drinks or dinner and just to talk and have some fun. There always seemed to be something going on there so it was kinda like our place. So anyway, in the past 2 weeks each time I was at 2 different grocery stores I hear the song 'Margaritaville' playing. It was unreal. Maybe just coincidence? Last time this guy next to me looking at the bread was whistling along with the song. I don't know, I took it as a sign that Dawn was looking down on me and saying 'hi' and thinking of me. Actually last time I heard it I just felt a sense of calm come over me and I felt happy and I just say 'hi' back up there to heaven. Sounds strange I know but I don't dismiss things that are a little different. I do believe in the afterlife and like to think of her happy and at peace now.

Well, I was thinking I need a break due to two things. One is my friend that has been reading my blog that I talked about a few posts back. Well, she has been reading and sending me emails. Last one was a critique of my emotional eating entry. She was suggesting what I should write about on my blog and basically telling me that giving up on losing weight is not an option. I didn't say I was doing that anyway. Let's just say I didn't handle it well and I fired back an email. And let me tell you, don't write an email when you are mad. It came out a little too harsh and I think I hurt her feelings. It's not like me to do that but I'm on edge lately. It just brought back to my attention what I don't like about our friendship which is her contantly giving me advice. I think we have hardly had a visit/converation without her telling me how I should change or live my life. Well, she says she's not reading my blog now but maybe she is. I hate that it make me feel I can't be honest and open and say what I want on this blog. But, guess what, I say so what! I'm still going to blog and just f*ck it. This is my space to say what I want and I will. Of course, maybe I shouldn't get so personal on the blog but it helps me sometimes. I still am working on a letter to her as she sent me a long one. I don't think I want the friendship to end but sometimes it seems like a lot of work to keep it going. I think we are taking a break from each other for now. But, we have been friends all our lives, we both were each other matrons/maid of honor and there is some good there. And I do know that she means well and doesn't mean to cause me pain.

Sometimes I think she doesn't get what kind of friend I need. I need a friend who will listen and not judge. Just accept me as I am. Sometimes we need girlfriends just to commiserate with us and listen not try to solve our problems like some of the men do. As we share our problems it helps deal with them and then we can take on the challenges life throws at us. Cause lately after losing people in my life I feel like I'm floating out to sea in a boat with no oars. I'm keeping my head above water but I can see the sharks. I think the sharks are the in the murky waters of depression and I don't want to go there. The problem I have lately is I haven't been reaching out to friends much to deal with my losses, I am just going it alone. I'm not sure why I'm doing that. I did have some time with sisters and my mom and talked of my friend and uncle and my feelings. Sometimes, that's just what you need. Others just want to go on with life and not talk about the friend we lost and I need to as she meant so much to me. Of course, to them they can't really understand as she was just a classmate and an acquaintence to them and to me she was my confidant and soul sister. The world is not the same without her in it. I can't come to grips that I will have to live the rest of my life without her. This will take a long while to deal with as I still break out in tears from time to time. It is not getting easier yet but it will.

The other reason for stressing is my radiology school. We get tested every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I feel the pressure. There is so much studying I'm having trouble finding enough time for my family but I have to so something's gotta give. And they kept on harping on in the beginning that you have to at least pass with a 79% in all classes or you don't pass. So far I'm staying on a high average but a test I took on Monday I'm really worried about. It had to do with density and contrast and some physics so I'm going to have to really buckle down for that class. The rest are going well. I just forgot how much work it is. So, I'm burning the midnight oil and staying up late when the rest are in bed. I got to the library sometimes too as I need that quiet time to study and no talking.

I'm listening to Buffet's great hits album and the song 'fruitcakes' is on. Have you heard it before? Kinda funny. The part he just said was about his wife saying to him I think and it goes 'I treat my body like a temple, you treat yours like a tent'. I guess that's something to ponder. My hubby is Mr. fitness so I guess he's the temple and I'm the tent. I was just eating any old thing I wanted and avoiding the scale lately. But I've stopped that and am eating healthier. I'm not dieting but I will begin again soon. I did gain some and I feel like maintaining is the best for me right now. Like some of you said, the answer to problems, the solace is not in the food. I have to keep that in mind. I'm going to get in some exercise today with my son after his school. I'll take him to the gym and he can play a bit while I exercise and then we can do something together like swim or something.

Well, I am just going on and on today and I hope you all are doing well in your own life journeys. I need to go read a chapter for a test tomorrow, oh what fun. I'll come around the blogs to see how you are doing.

Wish I could just fly a plane to the caribbean like he did....see the picture...it must be nice. He says he has a 'caribbean soul I can barely control' and I know just what he means.