Last weekend

Here's a few pictures from last weekend. Some from the ocean/puget sound down by the city of Tacoma. My triathalon man did some swimming and we just played around the beach. Then the one of my son going in the water is from the cabin that we go to sometimes. He said "mom, watch me do a backflip!" And this was the result. Ha ha. He's funny.

We had a good weekend even though the weather was mediocre but it wasn't too bad on Saturday. Not good enough to swim but that doesn't stop my boy, he swims in any weather. He's getting pretty good at fishing too.

Well, as usual this isn't much of a wt loss blog so I'll just keep blogging about whatever comes to mind. I'm still going to wt watchers but not losing much. I've been stressed with finals coming up soon and with my clinical intership as well and going to meetings/therapy type stuff so my head is not in the right place I think.

We are looking forward to going to CA on the 6th for my hubby's big race so we're looking forward to that. Just trying to figure out how to study for finals in the great city of San Francisco and visit with my inlaws and sister's in law. Near impossible I suppose. I'll try on the plane I guess.

A question to pose to you all.....If you had a chance to meet online bloggers, would you?? Have you ever?? I'm thinking of going to Seattle to meet a few in June but not sure. My hubby says 'isn't it best that with blogging you don't really meet the people?' I think he means that your free to share info without having to meet face to face or you're incognito. I don't know. What do ya'all think?

Feeling a sense of relief

Feeling a sense of relief as this has been a bitch of a week! Two tests, one in physics and did my speech and turned in my 7 page paper. Woooohooo! On to the 3 day weekend!!!

Gotta go....as it's Friday and my hubby....weird as this sounds....wants me to go watch him swim in the ocean down near Tacoma waterfront!!! I said I'd watch him so he doesn't drown or get bit by sharks. ha! His triathlon in San Fran. is just 2 weeks and 2 days away. I'll try to find my camera and take a picture though the weather looks like rain, yuck.

By the way....tried the Massage Envy place I was talking about. I had a gift card from Mother's day for a massage. It was good! I called and they said Manuel will be your massage therapist. I was thinking 'maybe I need a woman'. ha! I've only had one massage in my life. I walk in and there is this tall, muscly black man who said he was from Nigeria. Yow! He was pretty good though but I thought he pressed too hard. I like the relaxation massage compared to the deep tissue that's for sure. Now I'll try not to wait 2 years before having another....as that's how long it has been since my first one. Now I'm having fantasies of the rich life....where I could get massages weekly if not daily....workouts with a trainer....a chef in the kitchen and a cleaning person and a pool out back.....ahhhhhh, if only.

Have a great 3 day weekend if you have it off!!!! I wish our weather was nice like last weekend.

what's your thoughts on self esteem

This week is going ok. Been too busy for my own good with tests and now a paper due Friday and a big speech to give! I really hate public speaking but it is a small group. I did it last quarter and I survived and suppose I will this time too. I'm just feeling I don't know the subject matter as much as last time so I'll read some more before then and make note cards or something. It only has to be 10-15 minute speech.....wonderful.

Today, I am thinking about self esteem. First, I was thinking of it as I was reading Hilly's post at snackiepoo.com about how people make self-depreciating remarks about themselves. Maybe as a way to joke or maybe as a way to protect themselves from whatever comment they may make to hurt you. I was also thinking of this cause at my clinical site where I intern for my future career they said a while ago "have more confidence". Yeah, I guess, I feel that I could use more confidence but I feel I'll get it when I get used to doing more xray and especially after the summer when I'm interning 5 times/week that quarter. So, anyway, I was suprised when I was talking to my teacher, well really the tech at work that is one of them who is teaching me and we were talking about the hospital where I might be assigned to next year. I said there is XY hospital that I don't want due to the reputation. Now this hospital has so many stories from people I know and people I've heard of that have gotten mistreated there and so much negative people there so that's why I don't want it. My teacher/tech say "yeah, I hope you don't get it cause with you self confidence, blah blah....it wouldn't be a good fit for you" Something to that effect. Anyway, can't remember if she said self-confidence or what but it made me think. Hmmmmmm.....is that how she really sees me as a student? I suppose so or she wouldn't have said it. Is this something I can change? This lady did her interning at said hospital and hated it. So, anyway, I was thinking, that I will have loads more confidence in my abilities by January when I switch intern sites. I guess, I felt a little down as I felt like she was saying that I'm not a confident person. Maybe I'm not but I feel like I am in certain areas and not so much in other areas as I was talking about it previous posts of mine.

Anyway, what's your thought on this? Is confidence related to self esteem? Can you change something like that about yourself? Have any of you done that? I think I can in relation to the school and interning as it's a high learning curve and I always feel like I'm on edge and you get lots of critisicm. It's just the way it is to learn the profession.

And I was thinking....when I was younger, I had more confidence, more self esteem. It seems when my weight crept up and I had some other problems in my life, I took a beating. I changed a bit. I don't like it now that I think about it. Here's hoping I can get back to who I once was.

Anyway.....some days I wish I were someone else. And other days I think I'm fine just the way I am. In the wt loss front, I'm holding steady and no progress this week. I'm going to the gym here soon with my son and hope to get some kind of workout. Talk to ya later.

Had a loss

Had a loss this week at wt watchers....down -2.4! So I was happy with that. I don't think I totally followed the plan as I have so much other stuff going on but I've been sick and not felt like eating as much. So since ww weighs you in with your clothes I'll just keep my weight the same on the side bar as my scale says 225. I can't wait to see it go down further.

I had to get my spring fat pants down. I remember last year I was lighter and was going to throw these certain capri pants away and thought....no, I better keep them. As I was throwing away all my fatter clothes. Ha, now I'm glad I kept them.

I'm in a better mood than earlier this week. The counseling is hard as you really have to bare your soul and that makes me very emotional. But, I'm hoping it's therapeutic too. My doc gave me a questionnaire, let's call it a personality test. I hate these things....questions like 'are you kind to animals?', 'do you like mechanic books?', 'Do you ever feel like killing yourself?' Oh brother, I don't think these test tell anything. Yeah, it will prob. come out that I'm a little depressed and that my self esteem isn't as good as it can be. But, it's hard to answer some questions as True or False cause I have self esteem in some areas of my life, like school and work/interning but in other areas like body issues I don't. Anyway, not sure if he is the therapist for me....

I was reading some where that people with depression have a tendency to think about things going wrong in their lives or times when people have mistreated them and mull them over and over and it just makes them more depressed. What do you think of that theory? Could be some truth to it.

Well, I gotta get going I need to type out a 5 page paper, read 4 chapters and get to my dad's cabin to work! I don't have the time! Stress, much? yes a lot! Hope you are all doing well on your healthy journeys this week! We are supposed to get 82 degree weather today....wooooohooooooooo!!!!!!

Working on some issues

Just working through some issues these last few weeks. The money issues, self esteem issues, the weight, the depression.

I've taken a really hard, long, look at myself and feel like I'm coming out of a long coma and can finally see myself as I really am. It's taken me a long time to come to this point. Let's just say I've hit rock bottom this year and there is no way but up.

Without going into all the details and getting you all involved up in all my crap, let's just say I'm doing some group therapy these past 2 weeks and will start individual therapy tomorrow. I'm feeling loads better already. I think it's finally time to really think about some of what I've been fighting with has been depression. We'll see after I talk some with the therapist.

But, this is just one part of me. The other parts are functioning well. Being a good mom, wife, and daughter. Keeping up with the studies and doing well at college. It's all good there. It's just myself I'm not happy with. It's just myself I need to work on. To really see yourself as you are and not what who other people think you are. Maybe I've been keeping up a good circus...keeping all the balls in the air? Maybe I've been hiding my feeling and keeping the mask on. If you know what I mean.

Yeah, heavy stuff to deal with. But, I'm feeling hope that this is a way to get me back. A way to get healthy again. Maybe a way to get back to God. My spiritual side has been lagging for years and years and I find myself missing that aspect of myself.

The weight part, I don't think it's doing that well. I don't know, I'll weigh in tomorrow at wt watchers. It seems I'm concentrating on others issues now and this gets on the back burner due to being busy and too much on my plate. But, I've been sick this week with a cold as the kid seems to get everything at school and I get it too. Hope it's over soon!!

Hope everyone had a nice mom's day!! I did and got to see my mom and also got a gift certificate for a massage from my hubby. That's going to be awesome....now I just have to find some time to go, can't wait! Hope you are all doing well this week.

Thoughts on wt wtchers and on the IE book

I am thinking of going back to wt watchers here soon. I don't know, I'm conflicted. It does help me to stay on track to be accountable to someone about weighing in and hear encouraging words from a program/meetings such as this.

I had been reading the IE (Intuitive Eating) book and do like what they have to say. Here's a bit:

Respect your body

Body image: a waist is a terrible thing to mind

"Most of our clients are adept at being overly critical or hating their bodies. And putting an end to body worry and self-loathing is no easy task. Most of us have trouble accepting a compliment, let alone the idea of accepting our bodies. We have found that the notion of accepting your body was too much of a stretch for our clients as a beginning point. They feared that if they accepted their current body size, it would mean complacency, giving up, and getting bigger. It's one thing to lose the battle of the buldge, they'd say, but to totally give up would mean ultimate failure. At least there is honor and dignity in continuing the fight."

later the authors say....

"stop body bashing" such as "I hate my thighs" or "I have a double chin". Try to find something that you do like about your body even if it is only one thing such as your eyes or your feet. They also talk about what is a realistic weight to get to for your body type. Maybe it is above your ideal.

I'll talk about it more later as I gotta go pick up my kid from school.....
Have a great week. I'm doing pretty good this week!

Like this quote

I like this quote:

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”

I need to remember that in my times of challenges lately. There is always something positive in every negative situation. This is my time for a change in myself and a change in my life. I've taken steps to ease my financial burden and also made an appointment to talk to a counselor....really a therapist. I hope it will help, I have a feeling it will. Sometimes, we get so busy in our lives and when we get problems we don't talk to people about them. I know this is a flaw in myself and then it just ends up eating at me....the stress, the issues. I want to be a happier person like I used to be. I hope this step will be the first of many for me to feel better about things, about myself.

I think it will help with my weight loss too. I'm feeling like I can do this again...make some progress even though the scale is stuck at the same weight this week. It is just temporary!!! I'm going to get a bit of workout in later today at the gym.

Let me know how you are doing this week! I have hope this week and that is a good thing.

Cannot sleep....

I'm going through some personal stuff. Debt that I talked of before. Having nothing to say here...but I'll try. So I can't sleep I'm up at 2:30am and can't get back to sleep. So, I surf the net. I'm looking for a part time job. I'm trying to figure out how to get myself out of a hole we have dug...a big hole.

I'm trying to stay motivated to keep up with my studies and do well at my internship as well as be a good mom, wife, friend. Some days, it seem like all too much. Sometimes, I feel like there is a crushing weight around me and closing in. Not so good times. Hard to find moments of happiness. What was a good thing is my husband and I talked and layed everything out on the table. No more burrying our troubles and not talking about the sad reality of our finances. We will explore options to try to get out of credit debt. We really don't want to have to sell the house, the cars and everything. Would it be worth it? Would the cost be to great? Can we live on less until I finish school? I knew it would be the nature of the beast to live minimally for a while until I finished college. But, I wasn't expecting to rack up so much debt. Can't really share all of it with you and I prob. even shouldn't write about it but it's weighing heavily on my mind.

The bright spot is my family loves me. The other advantage is I will have a new career in a year or 16 months with maybe a chance to work sooner in the field. I know I have it within me to finish this school even though it is extremely stressful to me right now and I am on edge. Even though this school is one continous lesson is getting constructive criticism. That is hard, really hard to take. It is the nature of the beast. This program has a high learning curve....they throw you right into x-ray and expect you to perform. I'm doing pretty well though and can only get better and my academics are good.

I think what is weighing me down is all the time it takes. All the time I must spend studying. All the time worrying about our mounting debt. We'll figure it out and hopefully get some of the debt paid off. We will start with garage sales and selling what we can on Ebay. Maybe sell one car and share it if we can. We will try to borrow funds to pay off high interest rates as they are eating us up. Last resort will be to sell the house. And even then, will it sell in this economy? Probably would take a long, long while as it's a slow market.

Anyway, not really wanting to share all of this but it helps to write it down. So, if I'm not around my blog much you know why. This week is really hard but something I must own up to. One highlight is that I'm not gaining any weight...food has lost it's allure for now.

I wish you all well and will still continue to visit when I can. This is had been a bad past year with everything going on in my life but I hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I've made a decision to talk to a therapist (if insurance pays) or a counselor at school about my issues as it's eating me up. Wish me luck on figuring this all out.

Finally it's going down

Finally the scale is starting to budge and take a downward turn. The scale says, down 2 pounds. I started my weight loss charts on the right here again. It was time to update them. It's time to be accountable. I haven't been dieting, per se, but I have been eating smaller portions and working out a bit. Though I still hate the # on the scale at least I have hope I will be in the teens soon... we'll see. It has helped that I've been tight on money the past 2 weeks and that has made me not eat out or go to Starbucks or anything. That has helped tremendously. But, I can't help but feel a bit on edge cause I can't go get that latte when I want. This living paycheck to paycheck really sucks. I'm still looking for a part time job but no luck yet. I wonder if I can work in addition to my school and interning and find time for family and studying. I have to study a lot.

I feel so much better than this morning. I was feeling a bit down but went to the gym and did a long walk on the track and did weight lifting. It feels good to be weight lifting again....I actually have missed it. We will go to the gym again after my son gets out of school as he likes to play basketball there, well really just shoot hoops as he's only 6. I've got him back into swimming lessons again so he's liking that.

I was going to take some pictures of the puget sound/ocean down not too far from where I live but it's raining again! The weather is cold here and it seems like the beginning of winter instead of spring like it should be. yuck.

So, I'm off to study my digital radiology stuff and anatomy. Fun, fun but gotta do it. Leave me a message and tell me how you are doing!

Here's a goofy thing going around the net....'what your slogan should be'. Here's mine...ha!

Your Slogan Should Be

What Happens in Patty, Stays in Patty

The Slogan Generator

I have a vision

I have a vision of myself. I see her going around the track at the gym. She is fit, slender and really really healthy. I see this vision in my mind. Of what I could be, of what I used to be, of what I want to be. Sometimes I am on my way to becoming this other woman but then I sideline myself. Why do I do that? I've thought of this often and I don't know why. How can we want something so much but fail to achieve it? Hard question to answer. I guess I think of this every time I'm at the gym and seeing all the fit people running,

Just feeling like I want to so much and can't achieve it as far as getting to a healthy weight. I seem to be more concentrated on my career/schooling at the moment. I did get in some exercise at the gym yesterday so that's something, I guess. I'm really tired of thinking about my body size and all that it's not. Exhausting to be constantly on my mind. Seems it would be enough to get me to achieve my goals? Guess not, or we all would be thin.

I have a vacation at xmas time and I want to be a lot fitter by then. Wrote a post the other day below. Just feeling a little out of sorts today and off to study the facial bones, postions for xrays and my physics. yuck. Not what I want to do today but I goofed off yesterday as it was our first sunny day in a long time and felt like spring for once.

Trying to destress

It's the end of the week, thank god! It was a busy week with my clinical work and I'm getting better at doing xrays. I am doing good on my testing (they test you on each different body part/xray) and I have a certain number of them to do each quarter. I'm hoping to get more into fluoro this quarter which is learning all about the the small bowel, barium enema, esophogram and other studies as I need to complete one this quarter. I also have to do a paper on Bone density this quarter! I don't know that much about it so it will take a lot research. I can watch a lady at work do one here soon, hopefully.

Anyway, my most challenging class is physics again. Sometimes it is just so hard to understand. The book sucks and if I read it I still don't know it. The teacher's lectures are a bit better but sometimes he fails to relate it in laymen's terms. I'll just keep plugging away.

I did get in some exercise, just some walking and elliptical machine. I hope to get in more exercise tomorrow and some yoga if I have time. I would like to do something fun but we are tight on money as I'm still paying my tuition for college in payments and that's killing our fun money. It sucks to think about every $20 you spend. I can't wait till I'm done and making money. I am looking for a part-time job on the weekends but haven't been too motivated. ha! I guess I worry that I won't have enough time to study and to spend time with my family. But having little money really sucks even more. We'll see if I can get an interview doing some secretarial stuff or clerical at the local hospital on the weekends or find something, anything around here.

I also need to have some money for our June trip to San Francisco for food and a little fun. At least the ticket and hotel are paid for. We'll see if we can save a bit but it seems impossible at the moment as we have a lot of bills. Credit cards are made from the devil. ha. And they take forever to pay off.

I'm eating pretty good except for yesterday this lady at work brought in lemon bars and it was a huge pan and I indulged quite a bit. They were too good!

We finally got some sun up here in Washington and I was just out washing my car. It feels like for months we have had rain and gray skies and it felt like Alaska here. I'm so glad to see the sun. It's amazing how it improves my mood.

Tell me what you are up to this week and I'll come check out your blogs here soon.

back to being real busy

Been too busy to post this week. I'm back in the fray and back to the stress. So much for working out consistently this week as it's been a bitch of a week. I'm getting a lot of stress from my internship and they are pushing to do more and more. I'm dealing with it but I seem miles and miles from last week's spring break. I'm already counting down the days and weeks till the quarter ends. ha.

I am going to walk tomorrow and get in some exercise over the weekend. But, I have a heck of a lot of studying to do as I have to learn all the tiny bones in the head and there are lots with a gazillion terms to learn. Not looking forward to it.

I think I need a new attitude and off to do an assignment for tomorrow. I have had a break as my mom is watching my son for a few days as it's spring break for him. I'll go get him tomorrow as I really miss my kiddo!

The weight has stayed the same for my weigh in. I was down 2 lbs but it must have been those fries the other night and not much exercise this week and I'm still the same wt. Darn it!
I hope you all are doing well this week and I'll check out your blogs soon.

automatic pilot

What I mean by automatic pilot is I feel that when I started this school is September (the full time part), I felt like I was going on automatic. I would eat, stress, eat, study and on and on. I quit working out and taking care of myself due to the stress, due to being down about the cancer that kills and all the sadness it brings. I wasn't thinking about the price I would have to pay for not being healthy anymore. The blood pressure is up and maybe I've done it to myself. I'm hoping to get off those meds when I lose a good amount of weight.

Now, today at the gym as I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things that automatic pilot is off. I see myself in the mirrors (at yoga yesterday) and I see myself in the window as I round the indoor track. It's a little painful again...to see myself, to really see myself. The bulges and bumps, how far I've gotten off track again. To see 60 yr old men jogging past me. To realize I did this to myself. There is a plus side, I know. It's that I don't give up. It's that I have hope. To know that it is in my power to change!!

I feel like I've been numbing myself to a lot of things by having these fat layers on. It's time to take them off for good and deal with my emotions and reasons for keeping myself at this weight.

I took a day out for me today. To work out, to get a good book and read some before I have to start studying again next week. I'm going to watch a trashy movie from the libary before I have to get my son from school. We will then go back to the 'Y' (the gym) and go swimming or something. He's loving that we go to the gym all the time lately.

I did buy that book 'Intuitive Eating' and going to read more on that. I've also been reading books from the libary such as 'stop the cravings' and 'stop stuffing yourself'. Ha! The stop the cravings is a little interesting as it talks about eastern medicine and how it's the key to getting you off the diet roller coaster for good. It talks about different body types and how to eat. I'm open to anything so we'll see what this trainer/nutritionist is talking about. It's a little hard to follow but I'll read on some more. It's keeping me away from the junk food! I'm doing really well this week on eating. Probably has something to do with not eating out at all this week, except for one lunch with a friend for salad.

Hope everyone is having a good week and thanks for the comments. I'll be weighing in on Wednesdays and keeping a wt tally on the side bar next week. It'll keep me accountable.

(by the way....it's freaky weather hear in washington state the last 2 days. It's been freaking snowing! It's supposed to be time for spring! We lost our power the other night and day for hours and hours....what the frick??? I'm in the weather vortex! I want to move to the sun!!! Yep, just checked...it's still snowing but in the 40's so it prob. won't stick!)

emotional eating and getting off the roller coaster

The following is taken from 'Intuitive Eating' that people have recommended. I just read a little of the book and some of it resonated with me. Yes, I do emotionally eat. No, I usually don't stuff myself. Yes, I think it has something to do with avoiding things in my life and not dealing with it and eating for comfort or from stress. Here's some of what I read:

Some of the reasons for emotional eating:
sensory gratifications
comfort
distraction
sedation
punishment

Emotional trigger:
boredom and procrastination
bribery and reward
excitement
soothing
being connected...losing the reins
love
trust, anger and rage
stress anxiety
mild depression

How using food serves me vs. how if does a disservice to me
it tastes good vs. it makes me overweight
it's reliable - it's always there vs. my clothes don't fit
it soothes me vs. my cholesterol is high
it numbs my feelings vs. I'm numbed to the joys of life
it keeps me from feeling bored vs. I'm uncomfortable walking and exercising

Overeating is a red flag that something isn't right in your life.

Overeating can occur when your lifestyle become unbalanced with too many responsibilities and obligations, with too little time for pleasure and relaxation. Consequently, food is used to indulge, escape and relax (albeit briefly.)
When you find this happening, it may be a signal for you to reevaluate your life and find ways to put more balance into it. If you don't make these necessary changes, food remains important by filling an unmet need.

I think I will try to find this book at the libary or buy it as it's pretty cheap and I'm so tired of the dieting roller coaster and this is an alternative way to make peace with food while getting more active.

I have been working out this week and feeling better. I hope I can keep this up when school/work starts up next week! And as for the weight....ahhh, I am up, up, up. I was maintaining for a while at 219 but alas I'm at 227. Yikes! But, the good news is I'm back to eating well and exercising. I'm working out two times today, though it's at an easy level. I can't believe how far I've fallen again. My fitness if low again after being high last August and doing that race. I can't believe how much fitness level I've lost. The body does atrophy with not much use, that's for sure! Here's hoping I can keep exercise in my life forever instead of just for a season every year. So far I've exercised 5 times in the last week so that feels good.

I saw a mom today from my son's preschool last year. I haven't seen her since May and wow, she looked different. I asked her if she lost weight and she said 'yes, 30 pounds' and I said, 'I think I found it'. ha ha. Seriously, she looked awesome and I so want to feel that way again. I want to lose the weight and look good and be healthy and feel good about my body again. It will happen if I want it bad enough. I know it's about changing for good and that is the plan.

I have a few new pics on the side bar if you haven't seen them...just of my boy and hubby. Have a great week!

The pictures

Finally found the camera cord so can download the Easter photos....

These are of my boy with the golden egg which he was excited to find and one with his cousin's guitar. The teenage cousins are really into the guitars and one plays in a band. I was listening to them play and they are really good. They especially like the old tunes like Led Zepplin and Jimmy Hendrix among others. Always surprised they like the old stuff versus the stuff out now. Nice to hear.

Talk to ya later. I'm in the midst of cleaning my boy's room. It was a mess. (this pic in the room with guitar is his cousin, a teenager.....talk about messy! But I was the same way at times.)

Happy Easter!

I hope everyone had a nice Easter yesterday and had some time with family. I am feeling loads better than a few days ago. Oh, what some time off can do for the soul. We had a nice Easter with family except my mom and dad who are being snowbirds down in Palm Desert, CA. I made a dessert called Chocolate Lush. It's not my favorite but it's a family tradition, I guess. It's that dessert that has cream cheese, whip cream and chocolate pudding among other things. I wanted to bring cheesecake as that's my favorite, oh well.

We also did an Easter egg hunt on Saturday, well my son did, at his Christian school. There was too many people as it was open to all the community but he still had fun on jumping on the inflatable toys and visiting with the firemen and getting to climb in their trucks. He ended up with like 5 eggs....so I thought it was a lot of ta-dooo for nothing. But, it was good to run into some friends and spend time with my son and hubby.

Here's a pic of my son during the easter egg hunt at my sister's on Sunday. We did it indoors cause it was raining so much yesterday up at my sister's house, heck the whole darn state so that. (well I'll post the photo later....the camera connector cord had gone missing!!! Arggghhhhh....)

I'm off to clean the house and my son's room. Oh joy, what fun on my vacation....

Hope you are all doing well this week. I'll get in some exercise today! I'll post next time on my weight....uggghhh.... and what I am doing to try to turn things around and start losing again. I think I'm finally ready.

thoughts on fitness....on happiness

I'm blogging a lot this week cause I'm not sleeping well and also I have my time off from school. (see previous post).

When I went to the gym yesterday I forgot the Ipod as I haven't been to the gym in so long that I forgot to put it in my gym bag. I was all like 'oh no' what will I do without my tunes. But, it was a blessing in disguise. I walked and walked the indoor track and got my thoughts sorted. I was totally stressed going into the gym and totally calm coming out. I felt like I accomplished something good for myself and got back to weight lifting too. I think I will pay for that today as I'm already a little sore. Note to self: 'don't go back to lifting what you were lifting 6 months ago'. I wasn't ready. Not that I lift that much but my body isn't used to it.

I remembered that exercise = stress relief for me. I need to keep that in my mind as I get so stressed from this school and work. I get so obsessed with studying and getting good grades that I forget about taking good care of my body. This is the only body I have and I need to quit abusing food. Quit eating the burgers, the tacos, the crap. Ok, can still have the foods just quit eating fast food, eat my own healthy version of them. I do so much better when I quit eating out for the most part.

The other thought on my mind is.....why do I not seem happy for the past 5 plus years? Maybe even more? What did I lose that I had when I was young. I was a fairly happy teen and 20 something and after marriage, each year, I seemed to lose a bit of myself. I lost the ability to do things and enjoy things and be happy. I have been thinking about this a lot. I haven't shared with you all but during the course of the last 6 months I have been down, real down. Yeah, I lost some people I love and that was the spark. The last month or two, I have been crying....all the fricken time. For good reason, for no reason. I don't know. I thought it was the new meds I'm on for the blood pressure but sometimes I think it is from stress or from turning away from things that used to make me happy. I know this is not an easy thing to ponder, to figure out. If I had it all figured out I have a feeling that I would be at a happy and healthy weight for me. All I know is, I can't go on this way. I mean, I do, but it's getting pretty fricken embarrassing to be in the bathroom at work and trying to get a hold of myself cause someone was mean to me. It just has to stop. So, what to do? Quit the meds? Get a shrink? Start drinking? Go to india and study meditation? Ha. Of course, I don't really want to quit my college. I don't really need to run away. The answers are inside me somewhere. I can't let down the people I love. Can I keep it together...will I crack from the pressure.

Anyway, can you tell I'm not sleeping well. Is that ironic? I finally get time to sleep in a bit and I can't. Sucks to be me today. I started out positive and here I end on a negative. I hope the weekend is better and it should be with an easter egg hunt for my son and easter at my sisters so that will be nice.

Maybe I just need sleep....it always get me a little more negative when I'm not well rested. Thoughts? Time for pills to conteract the pills?

What I will do this week and next..oh the goal....is workout at least 3 times a week and continue that when school starts up again. I have a little time on Mon/wed and Friday after school. No excuses, straight to the gym before coming home. Any little bit will help.

the money dilemma

Wow, 2 posts in a week! Can you tell I'm done with my finals. The problem is that I can't sleep. I was going on 5-6 hours a sleep at most and now I can't sleep even though I have a little extra time! By the way, finals went fine...prob. mostly b's but that's ok with me. Ended up with one A- in one of the classes and just waiting to hear on the others next week.

Now, what's stressing me out is my money problems. How to pay off debt? How to pay for college for the next year or more? So...I guess the answer is search for a part time job. I don't know if I can handle it but there are some weekend jobs. Maybe I'll try and see if I can hack it along with school and interning cause with no money, it sucks! I also can apply for financial aid thru the school so looking at that. I don't want to get into more debt if I can help it. And short of selling the house or car I guess I need to work. What good would it do me to get out of debt but have no place to live that's good? I don't know. Things are going round and round in my mind. Like how I can't seem to get it together where money is concerned. It prob. has something to do with me not working. ha. One salary just doesn't cut it.

Share with me your money woes if you have them. Not a good thing to have when you aren't so young anymore. What about fricken retirement! I'm screwed. I know, when I finish this program and work full time I'll have some money to sock away, hopefully. Meanwhile, it's important to finish this school and care for my son. I just wish this school wasn't so much like a full time job!!
I got a break from interning this week and next and back at it on th 31st. I have plans to clean the house, clean my son's room and organize and visit a sick friend who is recovering from heart surgery. I cannot lose another friend now...I can't. I think she is doing well but she's always had problems with her heart. I used to work with her when I worked at the school district and I think she had something like a stint or other put in to repair her weaking aorta. I called her to check on her and she told me that she was in a coma in the hospital prior! Oh my god, that is so scary. We've haven't seen each other that much since we stopped working together but this lady is such a sweet gal. I'm gonna bring her lunch and catch up. I don't think she's up to going out to lunch even though it's been while since the hospital in January. This kind of thing takes a long time to get back to where she was health wise.

Anyway, I'm just rambling and thanks for listening.....sometimes it's weird to share personal details with blogland but it helps and thanks for your comments.

Hey, I'm going to the gym today! Wooooohoooo! some free time is awesome. Too bad I'm so out of shape again but I will try walking the indoor track and some weights or elliptical. Check on you all soon.

Update! Went to the gym and feeling good! I'll write an fitness post this week about my goals.

Not much to say...

Not much to say today....sometimes I get bored with the blog. Just too busy. I'm studying for finals that are are Monday and Wednesday and I'm feeling overwhelmed trying to remember everything I've ever learned all quarter. I know it'll be over soon and I can have a mini break. I wish I could go somewhere! But my son is still in school so I'll be working around the house and really don't have the money to spend anyway.

Stop by and say 'hi' and tell me what you are up to. I'll visit your blogs soon when I get some free time. I'm starting to hate the library. I feel like life is passing me by as I sit and study but whatcha gonna do?

I'm also feeling stress from my clinical intern work. It seems her style of teaching is me just me listening and her talking. If I say something she says 'just listen'. It's maddening and I'm trying to understand where she is coming from. My style of learning is interaction and asking questions. I do have a tendency to talk a bit too much at times but I don't really think that is the case here. I've been trying to keep quiet as a mouse. It's hard do to at my age....I'm no 18 year old here.... I know I have to bear it and do it their way. I have at least a year and 4 months more of this. Can I stand it? I know, it's hard to explain here what I'm talking about. I think it's a chance to look at how I interact with others and how they respond and try to figure out why she would be angry at me. I don't believe in someone treating you like a child and 'speak when spoken to' and wonder if I can last this place, this program. I think it has to do with her being a school age teacher to children long ago. We just lost another one of our students. I guess she works a lot and couldn't handle the pressure or not getting the physics. We started with 24 and now down to 19 students. I hope we don't lose more people.

Ok, I need to get ready for the day and take a few hours out to take my son to a playdate and get to know the other mom as I haven't had much chance for that this year.

Have a great week.

going round and round

I've been going round and round and up and down with my weight. I'll lose three gain 2. Lose 2 gain 3....just not making progress. It seems that when I'm concentrating on work and school I am only wanting to work on the intellectual side. The physical side seems hard to fit in. Last year in the spring and summer I had lots of time to devote to exercise and eating right. Now, its seems a struggle as I constantly have to study. I'm trying so I guess that's the best I can do.

Christie over at http://www.learning-intuition.com/ has been talking about the book intuitive eating. Maybe it's time I looked at that. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the intuitive eating thing but then I go back to my crutch of emotional eating and eating for comfort. Like it's the only thing in the day that I look forward to....a good dinner. Sad I know.

This blog has become more of just what's going on in my life and sometimes that's just not that interesting at the moment. I'm counting down the days till my finals are over on March 20. Can't wait to get some R&R. Don't have any plans do do anything really just get some cleaning and projects done around the house, especially my boy's room and get things organized and filed. I haven't had time for any of these tasks. The day ahead won't be a fun one as I have to study for 2 tests tomorrow. I'm going to try to go to my neice's soccer game as she usually doesn't play close to our town and just happens to be today. So I will go and see my sister an nephew too if I can spare time away from the studies. Tough choice for me sometimes....to study more or to spend time with family as it's getting down to crunch time.

I'm also looking forward to a break from my clinical (health) site where I do xrays. It seems you are under a microscope and they judge your every move as we are learning. My teacher or the lady (technician) who I mainly follow and learn from was in a bitchy mood on Thursday and just layed into me and looked like she hated me. I didn't even do the xray wrong I just did it a little different than she would have done. I felt emotional and had to fight losing it and wanting to cry. I hate feeling like I will do this in front of others. I don't know why I can't handle criticism well some days, I think it was the ugly look and loud tone of voice she used with me. I know it had a lot to do with her too as that morning she said she was in a bad mood. I wish some there wouldn't take it out on others....it happens once in a while and it sucks. I'm sure you have all had these type of people in your life and you just have to deal with it. I'm still feeling like I'm more emotional these days being on this blood pressure meds. I talked to the doc, well really nurse practitioner and she doesn't want me to change meds. I told her I was taking 1/2 a pill cause I felt my body handled it better and she didn't like that. She says I need to take the whole pill as to get my blood pressure in the range she wants. It's not bad now. So it looks like I tell her my symptoms, like feeling depressed and emotional from the meds and she just doesn't listen to me. She says this med with I think is Lisinopril is what insurance companies go with first as it's generic and cheaper. So, it looks like if I want to change to other meds I'll have to insist more. I don't like it when she says "those aren't typical symptoms reported". Well, heck, they are my symptoms and I darn well know if they make changes in my body and affect my life. It just pisses me off...I'll try the meds more but it is my body and my choice, god darnit! Maybe it's time for change in doctors I don't know. I usually like her as my yearly, gyno nurse but now I'm not so sure.

Anyway I'm prob. boring you to tears and I have some work to do. Anybody have trouble with posting yesterday? I couldn't get it to work I guess they must have been working on their system. Take care and hope you all are doing well this week!!! Here's an article from spark and good tips to remember when measuring your progress....http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=487.