Vegas pics and paying it forward

I Wanted to share some Vegas pictures. They are not that great as I didn't try for the perfect shots I just shot stuff as I walked around! Here's a picture of the Paris hotel from afar and pictures of the flamingo pool where I stayed (used to be a Hilton), and some shots of inside of caesar's/statues, people playing cards by the pool (of all things, geeze! take a break once in a while) and a pic of me and Dawn having happy hour at Margaritaville! Wish I could go back down today and repeat the whole weekend. HA!

Have you seen the movie, think it was called 'pay it forward'? Dawn and I were talking about how important it was to stay positive and how we should do good deeds for other people. So if someone needed some help or something, we would do the kind deed and hopefully they will in turn, be kind to someone else. First off, when we were just leaving the hotel room when I checked in. An older lady was running down the hall acting a little frantic. She said she couldn't find her family and didn't know which room they were in just that they were on the 28th floor. She had to pee bad and she wanted to use my bathroom. So, we let her though it felt weird as she was total stranger. Then, when we went to the elevators she just disappeared I suppose around a corner. Then, people at the pool wanted us to move our beach chairs. So, ok, we did to get them some sun time. We helped people with doors, took pictures, etc., etc. Just common courtesy stuff. I totally believe in karma and what goes around comes back around. If you do something nice for someone, sometime in the future something nice will happen to you. Maybe you think it's hokey but once I was in a job (about 5 yrs ago) I started that I hated and I was miserable and totally stressed. The boss was giving me crap and I was at wits end. That weekend I won a contest at a race track and picked the winning horse and then out of the hundreds of boxes of entries, I won a truck! So, since that day and going from really low one day and really high the next day, I think Karma works. Thinking postive can't hurt! I get tired of all the negativity in the world that's for sure.

I hope you all are having a good weekend and doing well on your healthy living plan!

Weigh in and recap of trip

Down 1/2 a pound! Wooohoooo!! Not much but better than nothing. So I'm happy with that as I was out of town and usually gain when I go to vegas. I didn't exercise like I wanted, except for some walking. I was going to go to the health center but it was $20. But in the morning I was hung over and wanted to just lay by the pool. And then after the pool I didn't feel like working out as we would be getting ready for dinner. Oh well! I did walk around the city some but it was like 95 degrees so that didn't last too long. I could have gotten up early and walked but that's kind of hard when I was out late every night!

I did do good on eating healthy when I was down there but the only problem is we drank quite a bit. We partied at the hotel and at Margaritaville. We also went to dinner on Mother's Day to Joe's seafood and steakhouse at Caeser's Palace. I ate fish as I thought that would be a better option than steak and it was awesome. Sole fish with asparagus and lobster sauce and a salad. We left the restaurant as most of the folks in my group are smokers! Not me! And we came back by the restaurant and I looked over at our table as it was in outdoor/mall area and in my seat was Dennis Rodman! He had on the big hoop earrings and his usual eclectic self. So, that's the only celeb siting for me. I walked back through Caeser's when everyone left and went by the Pussycat dolls lounge. Now they have an outdoor poker and other games playing area with the sexy-est women all dressed like trashy cops. Also, the girls dancing in cages. I had to stop to look and it is all geared for the men. A wonder they can keep their eyes on the cards but I suppose that is what the casino wants. I also stopped to check out all the workers/model types dressed out in caeser outfits. Oh, the bodies down there. But, being a woman, I can't help thinking 'are these women really happy flaunting their bodies in scantily dressed clothes??' Maybe they are or maybe it's just about the money!

Dawn and I had lots of time to talk about life and about her cancer. She is handling it well but somedays she say she isn't. I'm the one that was the doing the crying not her. She told me she is not looking a year out in the future but just the summer. That made me cry. She told me she doesn't expect to live to 50. She is 42 now. Ahhhhhh. But, in general, I did a good job of cheering her up and just having some fun. We didn't get too wild though I did get a little drunk but I didn't do anything embarrasing! Thank goodness. I was up for some dancing but we settled for listening to a band that was playing outdoors by Harrah's casino. I'm trying to talk my ladies group into going down there, maybe in September to visit again as I know she would like that.

I will post some pictures in a day or two of vegas but I had the old camera not the digital so need to get them developed. What a hassle! I get so used the digital camera but my hubby had it. They just got back from Oklahoma and had pretty good time visiting his father. I did win some in vegas but it was gone by the time I got out of there, oh well! I did score some Maui Jim sunglasses that was the promotion/gift that they gave me and some free hotel nights so that was neat. I am tired today even though I got a lot of sleep last night. I probably averaged about 5 to 6 hours sleep in vegas. I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation! HA!

Hope you all are doing well out in blogland and I'll be checking out your blogs here soon! I'm going to the gym and am motivated to get this flab off! Especially after seeing all the hot bodies in vegas. Maybe I can't have that hot body but I know it can be a heck of a lot better than now. They have all those lovely mirrors in the bathroom and everywhere in vegas so you can't help but notice your own flab. Arrggghhh. My dream is for people to say "she looks good" not just "she looks good for her age". Ha! But I know that improving my health is the most important thing, right?

Off for a few days

I'm off for a few days to visit Dawn in Vegas! Wooohooo! I've also been having fun with friends lately as my family is out of town. I went walking in West Seattle/Alki beach and then to dinner on Thursday and today I met an old friend/co-worker for lunch and shopping. I'm all talked out. Really looking forward to tomorrow as we are going to have a good time at Margaritaville!! Watch out Vegas. Got the low cut top, the outfit and we are drinking. My friend wants to have a good time so who am I to say no? I'm also psyched that it will be in 90's degrees and I plan on getting some sun time!

We actually have been having pretty good weather here so I've been out and about and haven't been home much. Think it was about 70 the other day. That's good for up here. I forget how I hate to sleep in this house by myself! Not used to it so haven't been sleeping well. The good news is I've been exercising and the scale is down 2 pounds today! I know, I should weigh in so often and the weekend I'll prob. just put it back on! Ha!

So I will catch up with you all next Wednesday for my weigh in and show you some pictures. Have a great weekend!

No weight change

Nope, no weight change this week. Exactly the same. I have been yo-yoing up and down a pound or 2 all week. And it's the t.o.m., so I'm bloated so I usually retain water. We'll see if I can hold my wt steady until next week as Vegas will be challenging. I have a tendency to drink and eat too much there. I'm hoping it will be different this time as I will counteract with a lot of working out and walking. That's the plan anyway.

I am working out a few times a week but will try to be consistant with 4-5 times a week. Today I was feeling negative about some crap in my life and just one of those days when things aren't going your way and I took it out through exercise. Did some jogging and was surprised to see my heart rate jump from 125 bpm all the way up to 155-165 bpm. So, I slowed down some. No use punishing myself. But I feel I need to push myself to be able to be in the right condition for this triathalon. Maybe I'm pushing too much though and it was hard and I was beet red, I felt good after an hour of cardio and 1/2 hr. of some weight lifting. My knees are a little dodgy as I tried squats and lunges so think I need to watch that when I do jogging too. Maybe I'm stressing them too much.

I started reading that book I was talking about 'You can heal your life' by Louise Hay. So far, I've liked some things and other things I thought were hokey or maybe too new-agey. Here's one part I kinda liked:

"Overweight is another good example of how we can waste a lot of energy trying to correct a problem that is not the real problem. People often spend years and years fighting fat and are still overweight. They blame all their problems on being overweight. The excess weight is only an outer effect of a deep inner problem. To me, it is always fear and a need for protection. When we feel frightened or insecure or "not good enough", many of us will put on extra weight for protection."

"To spend our time berating ourselves for being too heavy, to feel guilty about every bite of food we eat, to do all the numbers we do on ourselves when we gain weight, is just a waste of time. Twenty years later we can still be in the same situation because we have not even begun to deal with the real problem. All that we have done is to make ourselves more frightened and insecure, and then we need more weight for protection."

She goes on to say that she doesn't focus on weight or diets, just dieting from the negative thoughts. She explains to people that say they are too fat that they don't love themselves. She says that when we love and approve of ourselves, that it's amazing that the weight just disappears from our bodies.

I guess I agree to some point but I don't think that we don't love ourselves. I know that a lot of overweight people have issues, I being one of them. But to say you really don't love yourself might be going to far. There is a lot of other stuff about thinking positive (reminds my of The Secret) and that we can control our minds, what we think. The hokey parts to me, so far, are not really the affirmation and statements you make to yourself about 'willing to change' into a mirror but that you should touch the center of yourself which is your throat. I'm like, 'whatttttttt??' So, maybe I'll get some stuff from this book that I will apply to treating/getting rid of this fat and other things I'll not use.

Ok, gotta go, this got a lot longer than I thought! I need to pack stuff for my son to take on his trip to go see his Grandpa. Freedom is around the corner! I have a day out in Seattle planned to just do my own thing and going to get in a lot of walking tomorrow. Get to see the girlfriends to walk at dinner time too. yeah!

Hope you are all having a good week. Are you reading any inspirational books?

this and that

Just been busy lately and haven't felt like I've got much to say. Well, I always have something to say.

The play 'Edward Scissorhands' was interesting last weekend. It was unusual for a play in that is was dancing only. Usually our plays are singing plays. But, it was interesting and when I did get bored I just had to look at the lead guy playing edward and admire his strong, firm, gluteal muscles! HA! My sister didn't like the play at all. Afterwards we went to a nice restaurant called palomino and I made a good choice with of a salad with chicken on it. It wasn't what I really wanted as they have amazing food there but it was really good and had pecans and fruit in it and the dressing tasted kind of like maple.

Yesterday, was about 70 degrees out which in unusual around here so I took my son down by the ocean in Tacoma and we just goofed around and looked from crabs under the rocks and had a lunch outside. I meant to take a picture of the area and post it but I forgot! I promise some good pics of Vegas this time and plan on walking around the city and enjoy the sites. I have a plan to do a lot of walking and also work out at the gym at the hotel. Even though they charge a fee it will be worth it. I also plan on getting a lot of sun time! Yes!

As far as the diet and exercise it is going ok. I'm am doing it 1/2 assed lately and seem to be staying the same weight this week. I'll see what tomorrow's weigh in says. I have a long walk planned for Thursday with my ladies group and was going to do a long bike ride up around Lake Washington in Seattle but my bike will still be in the shop as I'm getting it tuned up and smaller road tires on it. I have the big mountain bike tires on it and want the smaller ones on it to make it a little easier to ride. I also have some triathalon training and seminars coming up to help me with my training for the Danskin.

My wt loss goals for the year are: to lose 50 pounds this year by next May 1. I know I can do it! The short term goal is to lose 20 pounds by the tri which is August 19. I don't know if I can meet that but will try hard. I need more wt off by then to make this race easier.

Tell me your goals out there in blog land or tell me your struggles with losing weight long term, self image issues, etc. I challenge you to get real and dig deep in your blogging! I want more than just what you ate and what exercise you did. I want to see in to what you think everyday about yourself, your life, etc. Well, if you want to anyway. Have a great week!

cancer puts things into perspective

Thanks for the comments yesterday. I have days when I'm down about things and then the next it is good. I think it's just a part a life, the ups and downs. Generally, I feel pretty good about my life and even the past, I've moved on and forgiven and try to forget the past and some bad times we went through. I really haven't shared all the pain and trials we went through. But it is best to look to the future, we have so much to look forward to together.

My friend, Dawn, called me yesterday and it really helped me put perspective on things. To quit thinking about all the crap in my life and in my mind. I sent her a really heartfelt letter about how I felt about her and afraid to lose her to cancer and sent her this little book called 'friends are like sisters'. She was calling me to thank me and we talked for a while about me coming down there in a week and then she drops her bombshell. All this double dose of chemo she is doing is not helping the cancer or shrinking it. She actually got news that there is a new spot on her liver. This is bad, really bad. She will get more tests, an ultrasound, a cat scan and then maybe some radiation to the spot. I know she is depressed about this, how can you not be. It is weird but as I started to feel stressed about what she was saying, I was thinking, 'I need to eat something'. God, I really need to deal with this stress = food connection. I mean it puts perspective on my life too. She is fighting for her life!!! I'm just fighting my fat!!!

The good news if there is any is she is off her chemo for now and is looking forward to me visiting and feeling ok. We will go to Margaritaville/Jimmy Buffett's place for drinks and dinner and maybe she will invite another lady too. And then we will hang by the pool on a different day. I would love to go to a comedy club but don't know if we'll fit that in. I can tell she's looking forward to it and hasn't had much fun in her life lately. I just have to be there for her and listen. There really is no advice to give. She tells me of a new herbal remedy made from tumeric and how her sister sent her a bottle cause it cured some guys cancer her sister knows. A guy that is fighting pancreatic cancer which is a nasty one and that is still alive and credits this herb. She will try this but it sounds like you need high doses of it so we'll see how that goes. It does have side effects like blood thinning and can make you feel nautious. I know she wants hope so she will try it. I said run it by the doctor. Especially since she may have radiation in the near future.

Anyway, not that this is of interest you, me talking about cancer. But, writing this down and all my other thoughts really does help me. Sometimes, I feel I put down on paper what others would not do. It's too personal. I mean this is supposed to be a wt loss blog but I can't just keep it to that though that is usually the focus. And our own blogs are just that. Our blogs! A place where we can let it loose. It seems easier than a journal and a side benefit is all the bloggers I get to meet. Thanks for being there!

I hope you are all having a good weekend. I'm off to a play called 'Edward Scissorhands' today. I saw the movie years ago and interested to see how that will be translated into a singing play.

My triathlete man

Today, I feel like talking about my triathlete man, my husband. First off, I want to say that I am proud of him for getting into living really healthy and getting into biking and triathalons. But, on the flip side, there is a lot of stuff that I have to deal with about this aspect of our relationship.

He got into biking about a year and 4 months ago. He bought a bike and started biking to work. It's like 22 miles each way! He'll get up early and either ride the train/and ride the bike or so for the whole way. He gets up real early and bikes to and from work. Now, this year it's morphed into biking or on other days running part of the way and then riding the train. This training takes a lot of time and some time on weekends. I like it that he is healthy and doing something he enjoys. It's just that it become all consuming to him. The importance of all the training. The buying new bikes and bike parts. The guilt if he doesn't train. Wanting to talk all the time about these things. I try to be supportive, I really do. But, if you are not into bikes it gets old after a while. I'm happy that he's into something healthy. A couple years ago he was at another job and it was all about drinking with the boys and girls to my chagrin! We went to couples therapy a few year ago to deal with a slew of things and it is a lot better.

Now, my issue with myself is my weight. When he was drinking, the comment did come about my weight and how much I've gained. I know he is unhappy about this and this is the only time he's vocalized it. It was heart wrenching to hear it from him. Like my own body insecurites if not enough. I'm tearing up now just thinking about that moment. (it was like 2 years ago but is still fresh in my mind and also when we were at a low point in the marriage.) He is supportive of me and encourages me to train for this danskin triathalon that I am doing. But, I know that he secretly hopes I will become a triathlete like him. I tell him no! This is just a one time thing for me, as far as I know. To do the danskin race for the cure for cancer and to challenge myself. We joke when I went to some of his races last year and all the beautiful bodies. The ugly green monster, jealousy, would rear it's ugly head when he would jokingly admire some of the fit women. I know it's human nature to admire nice bodies, especially for men. But, it feels like some club he belongs to that I don't. He has biking buddies, sometimes a bike club he will ride with. Sometimes we've ran into women that know him from the club or from riding on the bike trail daily and that brings the ugly green monster into my heart. I'm secretly afraid he will leave me for some uberfit woman. You know some days, I'm riding high, I know he loves me and on other days, my insecurties about my body are full force. Especially with him being so superfit.

The insecurities that maybe you are not what your partner wants. You are not all that you can be. Of course, we've stood the test of time. We will have been married 16 years this summer. That's something though we've had good and rocky times like all marriages. But, it is probably hard to marry one person, a thin person and then see them blimp up and beat themself up about it.

One of the ways that I deal with this is trying to spend time doing bike rides with him. He pulls our son on the 1/2 bike and I ride my mountain bike. We will start this soon as the weather is getting better and after he gets his other bike fixed. It is really important to do spend some quality time together being healthy. Another way is it is easy to eat healthy when he is around. He wants no trans fats in his food and generally follows a healthy diet. I almost have to sneak a food if I want something fattening or I get the look. And he doesn't drink, for like a year or more now. Which is a good thing.

I know, that maybe you out there in blogland can't really give me advice on this subject if U are not going through it but it helps just knowing that others deal with body insecurties too. It's amazing that I will share this with blogland and not with some of my dearest friends. I think I treat this more like my private journal but in a public way which is strange to say the least. Maybe I share too much, make it too real and I hope that's not detrimental to me.

I hope you all are having a good weekend!!!

P.s. (check out my last post about the cancer tv special on this weekend!)

P.s.s. Honey, if you do read my blog, know that I love you very much.

Cancer TV Show

I was going to write a post about insecurities about living with a superfit man, ha! But I will save that for another day. I just posted yesterday, I'm a blogging fool lately.

I wanted to share that a special show on cancer is coming on tv on Sunday. It's On Sunday, May 6, at 8 p.m. EDT, Discovery Channel will air a three-hour special of "Koppel on Discovery" dedicated to the discussion of living with cancer. If you have any loved one dealing with cancer (I have 2), then this will be a very good show to watch! I clicked on the few video clips they had and it is just heart breaking what they have to go through. Maybe it really will give me a better understanding about what my friend, Dawn, is going through.

Looking forward to next week

Ha! Cute joke. I'm hating my buddha belly lately. It is bigger than a few months ago. It seems after having a baby c-section, I got this awful little buddha belly and I hate it!! Not a beer belly but still.....It's my driving force lately to get thinner. Lose the buddha!!! But, even though I had a little loss this week, it is something. Usually, when I get back to serious dieting and fitness I can lose like 3 lbs in the first week and that will give me inspiration/motivation. But, I haven't been totally clean with my eating so that didn't happen. I'm still craving some of the crap. So, I need to work on that! Thanks for all your comments about the wt loss. I'm feeling hopeful again.

I picked up the the book 'You can heal your life' by Louise Hay that someone recommended. Looks like a book that will take a lot of time to read and then to work out the exercises. I'm hoping it can help me deal with emotional eating/being overweight and some other issues that I need to work on. I was preusing the book "mindless eating" and it seemed very interesting. Has anyone read this one? Maybe I'll see if I can find it at the local library.

I'm looking forward to next week. I get some free time when my hubby and son go to Oklahoma in a week and then I will be off to vegas to visit my friend Dawn. I'm hoping she is off of her chemo or at least feeling pretty good so then I can cheer her up and take her out for some fun or just sitting by the pool. I would really love to work out or go walking with her but she has had no energy during her treatment so we'll see. Looks like sun down there so I'm psyched! And wondering what I'll do with all my free time. You know when you have a child you get very little free time. It's always another's needs before your own so when you get some free time, I'm thinking what is it the heck that I like to do!!! So far what's come to mind, is go on a long bike ride as I need to work on my training for the tri. Maybe go see a movie like spiderman or kind of want to see 'lucky you' (I think it's called) or 'premonition' look interesting. Or get a pedicure, gotta have one for vegas! And read an entire book that I never have time to do! Or visit a friend that is going through a divorce and just moved out. You can tell I'm excited at the prospects.

Hope everyone is having a good week on your own living healthy plans.

Down a pound!!!

Down a pound!!! Woohooo!!! It's been a long time since I could say I lost some weight I'm determined to work out today and keep on trying to make the healthy food choices.

I'm feeling better about things today. Yesterday, I was tired and feeling melancholy and thinking of the path not taken. But, I would never trade my marriage or having my son! There is nothing like them. I think it's just because I'm at a stalled point right now. I'm not in school till the fall and have too much time to think! I'm looking for a part time job but I want one at night so we don't have to get daycare. There is no secretarial jobs at night so maybe i'll end up working at a grocery store or something. I could use a little income.

Yeah, maybe when I get older and retire there will be more of a chance to travel and study marine life. When we were young, we traveled some with scuba and had a lot of fun. We waited 10 yrs to have a child and it was like our early retirement. Not really, cause we were working. We used to say when we lived in Maui, 'look at all the retirees on the beach'. It sucks that now you can enjoy life when you're retired and old and who knows how much time you have left to live. Wouldn't it be awesome to retire when your young and do the traveling and really enjoy your time and then work later when your older! Can only dream.

Hope everyone is having a good week!!

Orcas

Orcas, Orcas, everywhere! I don't know what this means but I'm seeeing and hearing about Orca whales everywhere. Maybe it's because I feel like one at times?

First, I bought a wooden orcas/wind toy at the fair last week. My mother lives on Whidbey Island and they get a lot of wind so she likes those things you put up that move in the wind. Then my son got an orca toy, then I saw something about them on tv. Lastly, but not least, there is a man that goes to the gym, think he works there and he is a man with down's syndrome. I haven't talked to him before but saw him interact with the homeschool kids that have PE at the gym and the other day he was outside. He said to me "I'm going to see the Orcas!" "I'm going to Oregon and get to stay overnight!" "I'm going to see the Orcas and other stuff!" He was so excited so I stopped and talked for him a bit and said I had seen some humpback whales in Hawaii and other types of whale and that it was exiting. I continue on, still hearing him talk about the Orcas. What does this mean? Should I go look at Orcas? They are up and around Whidbey and the San Juans and used to see them from time to time when I would go out on my dad's fishing boat. They kind of freak you out a little if they come by the boat. Maybe I've seen too many movies about whales going under boats. Or, maybe this means I need to spend more time in the Sea or scuba diving. It's something I miss a lot and life seems a little dimmer without this hobby in my life.

Not really thinking about regrets, just life paths. I think, if I were a man in this life I would have been a person studying sea life or traveling the world teaching scuba diving or trying to make a life by taking picture undersea photos. Or even working on a research vessel (in calmer waters!). I definitely have or did have the wanderlust to travel and just keep traveling when I was younger. I still have it inside but I quelled that to settle down and work on the marriage and have a family. But, sometimes I get that gnawing feeling and I want to get out and see new things. But I quell it, I have responsibilities. I don't know, when I got into scuba we already were married and it is harder for a woman to go it alone in scuba and travel. There is so many things you need to worry about and number one is safety. Not that I wouldn't travel alone. I have gone on a scuba vacation on my own when my hubby couldn't go. Though it's not my favorite thing to do alone and is harder at times, it is really neat to meet new people from other parts of the world. To stay at a local place and not an upscale resort and really get to know the people. That is awesome! The problem with trying to make a living in the scuba field is it is hard to make money. That is one of the reason we got out of it. Sometimes, I wish I had asked a bank or my dad for some $ backing and opened up a scuba store and taught as a couple. We never did do that much and that was the dream. We did teach a little bit together in Hawaii but it was more if he got busy I would take the people out in the ocean to finish up the open water dives. I guess I'm feeling a little out of sorts today and thinking about all the things I still want to do in this life.

In other news, I'm still exercising but haven't cured my cravings for the fat food! Just making some wrong choices, not a lot of food just not the best food for me. So, that's the order of the day, eating healthy.

I was at the book store the other day and read a bit more from the "best life" book by Bob Greene. The third tough question to ask yourself (that I couldn't remember, see post about wt loss books) is 'why haven't I been able to maintain my weight loss'. I'm not really thinking about now at this point, though I haven't gained it all back but other times in my life. I've gotten down to 160's, 170's and then blimp up again. Especially after having my son. It is something I need to think about more. Why am I holding myself back? It's not the food it's something inside, feeling I'm not dealing with or what? Not sure. Do you know your reason if this is a concern for you?? I really don't think it's as simple as liking food. It's not the reason for me. Yeah, it could be the former alcoholic dad. The not getting enough attention when I was young. The people who hurt me over the years. But, you know, it's time to put that aside and deal with the weight once and for all. I'm the one in control of my body, well at least I hope so. Ha ha!

Have a great week!

UPDATE: It's my 1 year wt watchers anniversary!! One year of trying to live healthy. Was down -48 but now it's more like -30. I really didn't do wt watchers much since January but maybe in the future. Oh well, I hope to have a good year and next May 1 be at the healthy weight I want to be!!

emotional eating

When you overeat, why do you overeat? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Some have said you just love food. Yeah, I enjoy it but when I think about it, sometimes when I've overeaten I haven't enjoyed food. I felt like I was trying to fill some void in myself. Usually it is brought about by stress, but also can be boredom, thinking negatively about myself, loneliness or even happiness and being out with friends. Usually, it was fast food or sweets or pizza or pasta. So, yeah, I think I definitely am an emotional eater. Are you an emotional eater? Do you think about why you are overeating when you do or in the past? Is it your drug of choice? I don't booze or do drugs, though I suppose when I was younger we did drink some but it is a rare occasion these days. I've read books on this subject but it's really hard to get a handle on what will cure this, if there is a cure. Probably more like managing it and balance it with periods of eating healthy. I tried to think back to when I was totally in the zone and losing good and how I conquered my food demons then. Exercise played a big key in that. It got my head on right and it calmed me down if I was feeling stress. Also, reaching out to people instead reaching for food helps too. When I was young, I didn't have this struggle with food so don't know why now. More responsibilties, more unfullfilled dreams, life not going the way as planned or really wanted? What do you do when you are totally craving something but want to stay on plan? When you know it's not hunger that's calling?

I came across an article by Frances Kuffel who is the author of Passing for Thin: Losing Half My Weight and Finding My Self, web site is franceskuffel.net. Article is at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20050119-000006&page=1
I haven't read her book but this article is kind of interesting about her struggle with eating and body image. But it is long!!

I am doing ok on living healthy this week. I got in exercise Wed, Thurs and Friday and will try for some walking today. But, my son has the flu and is getting sick all the time so it is not a pleasant morning so we'll see.

Felt like a new photo at the top. This is a pic of my and my hubby when we lived in Hawaii, way back in '93 or '95. Yeah, we lived there twice! It's a little fuzzy but that's what the scanner does. Not my favorite photo of me but I love the flowers! We went up to Kula, maui, it's up on the way to Haleakala mountain. Very pretty up there and lush green grass and a little cooler. There is an artist studio, called Curtis Wilson Cost at http://www.costgallery.com/index.html , that is there that my husband loved. Check out his pics, I'm not adverstising for him but though you might want to see what I'm talking about. We ended up not buying a print just some post card types as it is pricey. Now, I wish we had one. They also have a lot of tropical flower type farms and a winery up there. I have some photos of the area if I can find them sometime. It's making me want to Hawaii bad!!! Not to live, just to visit, especially right now, I need some sun and fun! Think I'll keep changing my pics to keep things fresh.

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Wt loss books

This is quote from Oprah on her trainer, Bob Green's new book. It's called 'The Best Life Diet'.

"Another thing I know for sure now is that you've got to ask yourself, what kind of life do you want and how close are you to living it? You cannot ever live the life of your dreams without coming face to face with the truth. Every unwanted pound creates another layer of lies. It's only when you peel back those layers that you will be set free: free to work out, free to eat responsibly, free to live the life you want and deserve to live. Tell the truth and you'll learn to eat to satisfy your physical hunger and stop burying your hopes and dreams beneath layers of fat. " (it continues on, I got this from thebestlife.com)

I know some of you out there may not like Oprah, but I was at the bookstore and started reading some of his book and it made some sense. I mean, I have the old book they did, 'Make the Connection'. In this new book he says you gotta ask yourself some tough question such as 'Why am I overweight?' and 'Why do I want to lose weight?'. I can't remember the 3rd question. It also talked of using food to numb feelings or to deal with stress or other emotions. Yeah, I know what he is talking about! I didn't purchase the book but it has some good advice and has a some healthy recipes to follow. I want to read motivational and wt loss books but I have so many! Let's see off the top of my head, I have book titles/authors such as, Body for life, Kathleen Daalemans, Dr. Phil, Bob Greene/Oprah, Flip the Switch, Denise Austin, Pamela Peeke (did a body for life for women), Body Intelligence, South beach diet, atkins, books about body image, wt loss, wt loss recipe books, you name it. I prob. have more than this!!!

These books have helped me out and gotten me to be healthy at points in my life but ultimately, they aren't the answer. Because, usually we just go back to what we did before when we get tired of the plan. Now, I picked up the book called 'Do I look fat in this?' by Rhonda Britten. It was only $5.99 so I thought I'd read it when I have more time. It really isn't a wt loss book but having to do with your body image. I'll let you know my review after I read it. Maybe I'll go through and re-read some of my old books when I need some motivation.

I was thinking as I wrote the above paragraph. What is the fricken answer? It inside each and every one of us. I just keep trying different things and something will stick. I really am tired of the roller coaster or yo yo of up and down of wt loss. I need to get a handle on it once and for all. Maybe a pipe dream? I have hope that it is not.

Another thing, I was thinking about today is how I don't make myself a priority some days. I mean the husband needs attention, my child needs constant attention, other family needs attention, friends need attention, some days you put yourself last. But, on the 2 hours I have 4 days a week, I have free time. I will use it at the gym or reading fitness or motivational material. My health is the most important thing I have and if I don't have that now and in the future, how can I be there for everyone else??

Going good

Doing good on my second day on my new program. Eating healthy, did more cardio and started wt lifting again. It felt good! I was a little tired before working out today as I was gung ho yesterday and wanted to just get back into it. WannaBSlim at http://wannabslim.blogspot.com/ , who is doing so great on her wt loss journey mentioned I should do a wt loss ticker. But, you know what, I have had one up on my header for a long time now as I got the bug to have one from Fat Bitch last fall. I just took it down! It was depressing to see my wt loss ticker up there with no loss just going up. I will do my wt loss stats to the side of my blog. Unfortunately, I am not at 208lbs anymore. I am more like 217lb. Yikes! It really has got out of control!! I can't bear to change it at this point, it's a mental thing. But, I am taking it on the chin and have already seen the scale move down 2lbs and will start weighing in on wednesdays on my home scale.

I'm trying not to look at this as terrain I have to redo. I mean I got down to 198. So I have really had a back slide! I'm trying to look at it as part of my individual journey and that it is a really big bump in the road for me. Ok, a friggen big hill, but I will get past it and I feel better already. I was really feeling sick to my stomach from the crap I was eating and also eating late at night which is a big no-no for me. It makes me gain even faster, it seems. So, no excuses in sight. Even when I visit my girlfriend in May in Vegas, there are options. I will exercise down there too! I'll walk in her neighborhood or I will go to the gym for a day pass. There is no excuse not to keep being healthy or at least keep trying!!!

Thanks for the comments, I know a lot of you have been in my shoes before and I'm coming out of the darkness and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I've got a renewed comittment to lose some wt by August as the triathalon is then and I really can't do it at this weight. It is too dang hard! And, I will start swimming tomorrow and biking next week. I forgot how good I feel after I exercise. It's just hard when you are in the middle of your cardio and thinking "I can't do 10 more minutes!" But, yes I can. Yes I can. Check out this video of this 84 old woman still dancing, if she can do it at that age, of course I can do this tri race! Link is at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKRZv6NGjdc

I want to send well wishes to Fat Bitch and Amanda Jane at 'what about your hips'! I know they are not blogging anymore and maybe not on the wt loss journey right now but if you happen to read this blog, I hope you are well.

Have a good weekend all you blogger buddies!

(P.S. Can anybody give me pointers how to do a header/border at top? I just put a photo up there but can't seem to get anything else up there. Think I need to research it more. I had my blogger title name up there but it just post within the photo and looks funny.)

Stopping the Madness

(Watch out it's a long post!)

Right now I'm stopping the madness. What do I mean by this? I mean the weight gain madness these last few months. The self defeating remarks I make to myself. The self-flagellation if you will. The self loathing over my body weight and my inability to get to a normal weight again.

Here's a conversation I had with myself today. "Ok, I'm going to the gym today". I have a 2 free hours while my son is in preschool. The other voice, I like to call the devil says "no, just go to the library, maybe surf the net or get a latte, that sound like lots more fun". "No!" I say, "you are going to the gym and get back into working out! You've been working out for 10 months straight and a few weeks off is all you get, get back to it"!! "You keep bitchin to yourself about your stomach getting bigger again, so do something about it"!! Well, thank god the angel on my shoulder won out today and I worked out. I did an hour of cardio; some walking and the elliptical machine. I will do weights tomorrow. I also ate a healthy lunch of a salad with chicken and veggies. This cycle of gaining weight and not working out much and kicking myself when I'm down has got to stop. It's mentally exhausting and I'm tired of being sick and tired and being down in the dumps. It seemed when i was doing well on my wt loss journey last year, I could stop the negative self talk or at least there was only a little. Now, that I've gained some back the damn negative voices are in full force! So, for starters, some steps I will take:

1) Work out 4 times per week, including cardio and weight and jogging and increase that in the future.
2) Eating healthy with at least one or two small snacks so I don't feel deprived
3) Practice thinking positive thoughts and start reading wt loss books or things to motivate me
4) Quit drinking the latte's and substitute with flavored water

I thought about doing the Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem programs for a second. But, then I remembered that JC is too pricey for me right now and that I hated the nutrisystem food when I tried it years ago. Also, I don't want to have to cook 2 meals, one for me and one for my family. I want healthy, tasty, quick, food for all of us. I will entertain the thought of going back to wt watchers after I visit Dawn in Vegas in mid-May. The accountability of the meetings and weighing does help me get my head right and into the wt loss game.

When we were at the spring fair last week I ran into 2 acquaintences from wt watchers and that I knew through the co-op preschool last year. I started talking to one lady and told her that I was a wt watchers drop-out as we had both been going to the Monday meetings. She said she was too and that it was too hard with all the different birthdays that had been going on in her family. They had a bday party right at the fair and I saw her later pulling a cooler and the left over huge cake. I was thinking, "just throw the damn cake out!" And I was thinking, what pull or lure that fat food has over us. It's our drug of choice. This made me think of all the excuses we make not to live a healthy life style . It made me think of my sister and when she went off wt watchers with excuses such as "I'm too stressed from the start of the school year". She's a teacher. And then it's the excuse of "it's the holidays and it's too hard to diet". And then it's "the end of the school year and it's too hard to diet" and then "it's vacation or summer time, it's too hard to diet". You know what the excuses stop now. I've made my share of them too.

I'm tired of my weight holding back in certain areas of my life and not enjoying life to the fullest and at my healthiest weight. I've fallen into my old habits of not dieting in the winter when it is dark and gloomy and gray here in Washington. I get a new burst of energy when spring has sprung and the weather gets better and the sun comes out. Should be soon! I've got to find a way to break this pattern and this type of seasonal defect disorder that I think I have.

What I don't want anymore:

1) airline seats feeling snug or like I'm spilling out into the next seat. Like when I flew last and I sat next to an even chubbier women and I felt like our thighs were squishing together. I hate that! (Thank god I can still fit into the seat belt.)

2) wearing big size clothing! I want to fit into all the regular size clothing and stores and not have to go to the big ladies section.

3) feeling self conscious about my size all the time

4) not wanting to get into my swimsuit or shorts when the weather gets nicer

5) feeling like a failure for giving up on my diet lately and not getting to a healthy weight

6) hating my reflection in the store window or mirror

7) avoiding being in photos with my family or hiding behind someone. I'm missing out on memories!

8) being the fattest one in my group of girlfriends from high school (we meet monthly)

Anyway, that is enough for today, just had a lot on my mind! Have a good week everyone!

Stingrays are like puppies

Welcome to the wonderful world of Stingrays! I thought I would take a break from my angst about my weight and talk about something that brings me joy, scuba. (I know I am a blogging fool lately!)

The stingray has been getting a bad rap lately as a dangerous animal. Though, I know they can be if they feel threatened, but that wasn't the experience I had. There is a place on Cayman Islands, called Stingray City. It's a place for that tourists go to get up close and personal with them. You can scuba with them or you can go to a shallower site and snorkel with them. One of my jobs as an instructor if I was going to this site was to feed the stingrays a bit of squid. They were like puppies all over me and begging for some food. This started way back when the fisherman would clean their catch in these areas and the stingrays would congregate to get the scraps. They kept coming back and during the day there will be 50 to 100 or more of stingrays there.

This last pic with me staring at the stingray, I am kind of in a state of shock or maybe awe at the way the stingrays can be all over you. I think this was my first day that I was going to feed them and was getting trained by another diver. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know that some of my fellow workers were initiating me into the world of stingray/duty (as they have done with others before me) and loaded up by pockets and under the strap on my tank with fresh squid. I couldn't figure out why all the darn stingrays loved me so much as I didn't have food at this point. At least you can pee your pants without anyone knowing! HA! Just kidding. I never got tired of seeing these sea creatures and also had experiences with the bigger versions of this family, the eagle ray (elusive) and the big Manta Ray, which I had the pleasure of diving with in Kona, Hawaii on a night dive.

I feel these animals are being seen in a negative light and it is no wonder as to what happened to Steve Irwin or Australia and getting a barb from one. Very sad when I heard this news and very surprised. He seemed like a wonderful and fun person and I felt very sad by his death. Like I really knew him which, of course, I didn't have the pleasure. Chris H asked me on the blog if I changed my opinion of diving with them after what happened to him. No, it really hasn't. I did hundreds of dives with them and never got injured except for a nasty hicky they tend to give when they are sucking up their food. Yep, just looked, the scar is still there from the stingray. It looks like a white smiley face on my arm but is barely there anymore. They are like a fricken hoover vacuum when eating and it doesn't help that their mouth is on the underside of their body and their eyes on the top of their body. Anyway, no one I know every got injured by them. We try not to touch any of the animals and they don't bother us. There is a urban legend of a guy getting a barb in his arm long ago but he was said to be pulling the tail of one and harassing it. Usually, they will not attack unless provoked. But, I 'm sure if they felt threatened it could happen too.

Anyway, it is one of the memories of my dives and sometimes I would feed moray eels too. I didn't like that as much as they have large teeth and can slither around you! Here's a pic of a moray eel.
They are always cool to see too! Anway, finally got my scanner up and working so that is nice. Hope I'm not boring some of you out there in blogland. I know how I will talk about diving with some of my family or friends and their eyes will glaze over and I know it's time to move on to a new subject! It is one of the most awesome things I have experienced in my life though.

Hope you all are having a good day and I'm working on a new version of my wt loss plan that I can live with and start making some progress again.

I want this fat suit off!

This is me at various times in my life. Me, by the waterfall, on our honeymoon at about 150lbs. The black sweater is me at 201 back in December last year and the one pic in white is me at the start wt at about 245, I would guess. It couldn't find hardly any photos from 2005. I am a master at avoiding the camera.

Some of these photos you have seen and some you haven't. I'm trying to use these pics for my motivation to lose more weight as I have been slacking the last few months and can't find the drive to continue on the wt loss journey. I want this fat suit off! Yeah, it is better than it was but it is starting to creep back on and I don't want this to be the beginning of the end. I was going to put up another pic of me at 125lbs but I couldn't get it to scan correctly. I don't think I can get down do that wt again but this pic above at 150, I believe I can get there. That is my goal. Of course, it sucks that I will be an older version but there is really nothing that can be done about ageing unless I spend tons on plastic surgery. Ha!

So, what do for motivation? Have you used the picture technique? Or does that just make you feel bad to see the heavy you? I'm trying to use this to see my progress and realize, yes, I am making some strides and I need to keep on doing it or I will blimp back all the way back up!! I am feeling a little lost at the moment and am entertaining the idea of Nutrisystem or Jenny Craing to get back on track and eating smaller portions. Weight watchers is good though, it's just that it's all up to you to track points and I don't want to seem to do it anymore. I have been trying to just eat healthy on my own and that works for a while and then the crap has come back into my diet. Sugar is the enemy lately. If I eat something laced with sugar, it just makes me want more! It's like the devil is back on my shoulder and yelling for "more, more, more food!" The angel is on the other shoulder whispering, "you can do this, you can get the healthy body you want!" Damn devil has a fricken loud voice!

Doing the last scuba post and remembering my past has made me want to try again. I'm not happy in the body that I'm in so I fricken better do something about it. I have the friggen triathalon in August and I am not even ready. The fat suit is holding me back and making everything I want to accomplish so much harder! Ok, enough venting for now! I can envision myself at a healthy weight, why am I holding myself back? I need a concrete plan of action and I am going to work on writing that down.

In other news, the weekend was pretty good. Friday, I took my son to the spring fair and he enjoyed the rides and looking at the animals. We had to break down and buy some cinnamon/sugar elephant ears. I love those things. Saturday and Sunday we went down to my dad's and uncles cabin to help out my parents. It was cleaning weekend and get the cabin ready. We cleaned up fallen trees and branches for hours, moved the lawn, cleaned the cabin, cleaned the shed, had a bug man spray, burned the excess branches, cleaned the dock off. I'm sore today! I'm sure it's a sign I'm getting really out of shape again! It is early to clean the cabin but since my uncle has cancer he has asked us to take on more of the upkeep of this small cabin. We usually do the opening of it on memorial day but some people are going to be living there for a short while as my uncle wants them to build a big covering for some trailers we will put outside the cabin. As the family grows, it seems we need trailers too. I will take some pics this summer and post them of the money pit/errrrr, I mean the cabin. It is a nice place to get away and it is only about 1 1/2 hrs from us. The cabin is old and crappy but it is on the lake and we will move my dad's boat up there soon. The kids love it for the swimming and boating, of course. My mom just see's more work and cleaning and I hope she doesn't want to sell it!

Hope you are having a good week and are making progress in your wt loss journeys!

The Deep Blue

Finally! The scuba post! I know your excited, well maybe not but here it is. First off, these are pics me and my husband took in and around Maui and the Cayman Islands. The pic of the house is just a standard caymanian house. I loved some of the houses there. That's my hubby on the underwater scooter. We loved to take them out in maui as the guy he worked for there would let us take them out whenever and it was fun. That is a pic of me with a stingray, tell ya more about it later. And that is me at Disneyworld when we were moving from Cayman to Washington and wanted a vacation. My wt wasn't at my lowest but I was happy. I had a killer tan and my hair got bleached from the sun. I just need another 6 months in scuba and I would have had a killer body. It helped that we worked outdoors in an active profession and that we didn't have a car on the island, just bikes! Sometimes, I wish I could go back to that time. Ahhhhh, this post is bringing up a lot of memories.

I started scuba on a dare from my hubby. He wanted to try it for a long time, so in '93 we took the open water course in Washington. That was the tip of the iceberg for me, I mean, I didn't realize that I would fall in love with scuba and the underwater world. I always had been a good swimmer but I was nervous to take the course. It went well and only felt a little apprehension the first time in the pool with the regulator (and breathing from a tank for the first time). It is weird at first cause we are so used to breathing from our mouth and nose and when you dive you must learn to breath from the mouth only. Anyway, this love of diving set us on a course to move to Maui. Then we came back to WA and over the next year got all the required dives to be able to go to school to be dive instructors. I was working at a high rise in Seattle for Safeco and when I told them I was going to Florida to go to diving school and then move to Maui, they thought I was crazy to say the least. I mean, what is it, 1% of people that just up and move to the islands. Hey, we were young and no kids yet and weren't thinking of the future just of fun.

What is diving really like, you may wonder? What I loved about it was that it was quiet and peaceful. The chance to get away from everything in the world and just observe sea life. It's almost meditative in a way. There's nothing like getting up close to sea life and then looking up and seeing the boat far away. Or when you go down to about 50 ft and the bottom is there but you swim out further in the deep blue to the edge of the wall and the bottom drops off into the abyss! Ahhhhh, nothing like it! It is like being in a new undiscovered country and I was the first one there. I highly recommend trying it if you haven't!

Anyway, after we lived and taught diving in Maui I had a hankering to go to the Caribbean. Specifically, the Cayman Islands. My cousin had been there and said how awesome it was and of the wonderful diving so it was itch that I needed to scratch. I went to the island in the summer of '96 to check out cayman and see if it was a place we would live. My hubby was still working summers in Alaska fishing for salmon as my Dad got him into it and the money was pretty good. I told him Cayman was awesome! I already met some friends and the booze was a flowing and there were jobs to be had in scuba. The only drawback was that it was real pricey to live there. We moved at the end of summer and began our year in Cayman. There were awesome beaches, nice people from all around the world, a lot of British, Scottish, Canadian, you name it. We each got dive jobs as separate places after cutting through some red tape! They make you go through so many medical tests and hoops to get your work permit but we prepared ahead of time. I found I loved to lead divers underwater. I taught some but not a lot aside from newbies doing the resort course where I teach them a few skills and away we go on the boat to try scuba. It could be trying at times. I mean, I had to practically save someone a few times a week that was freaking out under water. That's the part of the job I didn't care for but of course it's required. What I did love was when someone really got excited about the dive and was hooked. I loved to get more diving converts! The real days I lived for were my free days to just dive on my hubby's boat where I could dive at will and with no rules and no responsibilities but to have fun.

One of my best days diving was actually a time when I was teaching a guy to dive and I got back on the boat and the captain practically gunned the boat before we even had a chance to get the tanks off our back! This was highly unusual as we take our time to move to the next dive spot. He heard on the radio that a whale shark was in the area. He had to go see for himself as this was a rare occurence in these waters. We got to the whale shark and about 4 boats were already there. He was at the surface so I donned my snorkel gear and swam beside him. He was a huge creature, maybe 50 ft in length and was just swimming slowly eating plankton. I didn't get a picture or else I would have posted it. But, there was some video shot by one of the guys on our boat. God, I wish I had it! There is nothing like getting up close to a wild, huge whale. It is something I will never forget!

This post is turning into a book so I will write another day with my story from the pic above....my first encounter with stingrays! Aaaaiiiii! I now have a serious inclination to hop a plane to the caribbean and dive. Somedays, I miss it so much it hurts, it's hard to explain but I have given up something I love.....only for a while, I will get back to diving. I mean, I did go diving a few years ago in Maui again but not since. We do have some good diving here in Washington and up north in British Columbia but it is cold water diving and I hate the thick wet suit and the cold. My hubby has lost his drive or his love to dive, especially in cold water as we don't have dry suits. But, I will dive sometime soon as I need to just find a dive buddy. And, I would like more wt off. Here's a good incentive to get some off....it's so much easier when you are thinner. Hope everyone has a good weekend, we finally got a litte sunshine!

Friend in need

Ya, still feeling like crud and was wondering if my sickness could be strep throat as I've had a sore throat for 4 nights straight! Ok, I'm done bitchen about how I'm feeling.

I think I'm going back down to vegas in 3 weeks. I will stay with my friend Dawn, probably, though I can use my free hotel offer as I must have racked up some points there to get some freebies. She is going through a rough time with her chemo treatments and is in a bad way emotionally so I will go down and help her out or at least spend more time with her. There is a chance she will go off the chemo or at least go off the double dose and back down to one treatment. Anyway, she seemed happy that I offered to come down and the side benefit is that it is the land of sunshine this time of year down there. My hubby and son are going to Oklahoma to visit family so I thought this would be a nice chance for me to spend time with a friend.

I'm still working on getting some pics of scuba adventures and also pics of me when I was thin for another post. As I am going thru the photos I realize this is going to take longer than I thought to find all my pics and see which are my favorites and find the missing ones that my hubby put somewhere like the garage!

I realized my original wt loss blog has just become the story of what goes on in my life which isn't too exciting. I've been traveling some but that's the usual routine but have been enjoying the chance to get away some. I've been thinking a lot about how I want to get to my goal wt and why I'm holding myself back. Gotta go get my son, so I hope everyone is having a good week!

Update: Here's a pic of a underwater restaurant in the Maldives, looks cool!!

The weekend

We went out of town on Saturday to Ocean Shores. It's on the coast of Washington and has miles of beach you can drive on if you want to. The big thing here is kite flying. This is Chase flying his fantastic 4 kite. It flew for a while but then it broke. We went and got a new one yesterday and decided not to get a kids kite. We got the 'beetle' which is one of those beginner trick kites (made out of nylon) that have 2 strings/spindles you hold. It is fun but is hard to get the hang of it. The kite takes a nose dive and fell a lot until we got used to it. There's so much wind on the coast that it's easier to do than around our area. My son had fun at the beach but the highlight for him was going to an indoor water park that had a pirate theme. They have 3 waterslides and all kinds of buckets that dump water on your head. I just watch my hubby and son have fun as I now have his yucky cold! That's ok, as I'm not very happy getting on my swimsuit at the moment!

I still haven't gotten to the store to get some pics on disc to do a proper scuba story and now that I feel like crap it'll have to wait a while, oh well. On the positive side, maybe with the way I feel I can get a few pounds off as I don't have much of an appetite.

I hope everyone has a good week!

sickness in the house

I want to do my scuba post but it will have to wait a few days, as I need to get some photos on disc at the store. And I need to think about what to write about as I have a lot of scuba stories. But need to think about what would be interesting to you out there in blogland. The big issue (with not getting anything done lately) is that we are holed up in the house, my son and I, as he has been sick with a bad chest cold these past few days. It sucks as you always worry when they have a fever and are coughing all night and can't get any rest. We had some medicine but my son hates it so we are toughing it out. Every year since he was little we've had the yucky croup which is a nightmare but now that he's older it's just all the colds he catches from school or wherever.

We did have a good Easter up at my mom's with a lot of family. Then the kids went on the easter egg hunt but in our family it has turned into and money egg hunt. There is some token candy in the plastic eggs but mostly quarters and dollars. All the kids get to participate even if they are in high school. I like that they can get some money to spend or save but it's gotten to "who has got the most money?" and gotten a little out of hand. One year, we had an egg hunt for the adults. Now, that was funny! People get pretty competitive.

So, not much else to say today, but I am getting cabin fever bad! I haven't been working out due to not getting to the gym and not wanting to spend time away from my son right now. Maybe I'll get a walk in when the hubby gets home but the weather sucks....rain again!!! Ok, where's my positive attitute.....Ok, there it is. Life is what you make it so I need to work on my outlook. Thank god for the computer as an outlet. Ha.
Hope everyone is having a good week!

Fat Rant

Check out this ladies fat rant on utube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA. I wish I had her attitude. She's got some things figured out! I agree with a lot of what she says that being fat doesn't mean your lazy or dumb or a bad person. I got this from someone's web site and can't remember whose. I've been surfing and visiting too many sites! I wish I could just be happy with being fat but that ain't the case. The thing I'm trying to figure out now is why I took a break from the weight loss journey, why don't I just get hung ho like I was before and want it bad. I mean, I still want the thin, healthy, fit body but don't want to seem to do the hard work at the moment.

In other news, I went down to visit my uncle who has cancer yesterday. He lives about 2 hours away and we haven't been to see him in a long time. It was a good day and my son got to play with lots of cousins and the weather was awesome for once. We went out to see my cousin who is about my age as he moved back to his hometown and has a new house. They have quite the set up out there in the county. He lives about 1/2 mile from his brother and they use 4 wheelers to commute between the two and around his property. My son got to feed the fish in his little lake and jump on their trampoline and ride the quads with me. It was fun! When I was young I used to like to ride motor bikes with an old boyfriend and forgot the joy in doing that. I started to think of all the other things I used to enjoy that have fallen by the way side as I've gotten older and also as I've been a mother and sometimes my needs aren't top priority. Something to think about more. I know that I really miss adventure such as travel to far away places, scuba diving and anything with motor vehicles! I have a goal to try sky diving when I drop some more weight!! It will be a rush and I miss that feeling of doing something new or the sense of being in new or foreign places and meeting new people or just being underwater and at peace with nature and with life.

I think I will do a post about past scuba diving adventures and find some pictures and maybe some old pics of the old me that I left behind. She's hidden in this layer of fat somewhere and I'm trying to remember who that woman was. Will she ever come out of hiding?

Vegas was fun but tiring

What is it about Vegas? We eat too much, sleep to little, gamble too much, drink too much! I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! It was fun though. And the weather was awesome, high 70's and into the 80's. We had only about 2 hours of pool time and we were mostly in the shade so no tan for me. I didn't win the big one. I did get up a couple of hundred a few times but managed to lose that by the end of the trip.

I don't have many pictures, sorry! I started taking a few of my sisters, of my friend, of flamingos at the hotel but didn't take any of the big pool or hotel. We spent too much time in the casinos! (Here's a pic of Dawn, Dawn's pool and some flamingo's at the Hilton, and my 2 sisters!) I don' think my friend of sisters read the blog and would be upset with me posting the pics so I will do it! I didn't want to carry around a camera and lose it while we were gambling. I don't like to carry much but a little purse. We really didn't get to very many hotels. We didn't even really walk down the strip of hotels. We went to a show called "Tony and Tina's wedding" at the Rio but it wasn't very good. The highlight was me getting tipsy and instead of pinning a dollar on the groom, I pinned a dollar on the good looking best man as he was a ringer for Leo Dicaprio and Brad Pitt rolled up into one. I got a dance out of it and a peck on the cheek and he says "Thank you darlin, what's your name darlin". Oh those southern gentlemen. I think he wasn't in character for his acting of supposedly being a italian for the wedding. Ah, the blue eyes and dirty blond hair....ahhhh... this fantasy will last me for a while. But, I digress...must of been the beer talking. We did get up dancing as part of the act/play and that part was fun. But I had to do something to get our crowd of 7 up and dancing instead of sitting there like slugs with frowns on their faces!

The other play was called "Menopause chronicles" at the Vegas Hilton. It was hilarious and is a cast of 4 women who bitch and moan about all the wonderful things we will experience during the change of life. Like, the wt gain, the hot flashes, the low sex drive, the bitchiness. Real funny! It's the same people that did the vagina monologues which I haven't seen. I haven't been thru menopause but oh, what we get to look forward to, ha!

I visited my friend Dawn out at her house. Here's a pic of her pool out back. She has a cute stucco house and an awesome yard with a pool, shaded patio, sitting area with comfy chairs with some shade and sun, jacuzzi, and bbq area, fire pit with rock seating area. I would love to have her back yard. Awesome. The sun really bothers her after chemo so we didn't get into the hot tub and I didn't care anyway. She was understandably tired and a little bitchy as chemo was only 2 days before and she wasn't feeling her usual self. She isn't feeling nautious but has symptoms such as puffiness, numb face, short term memory loss, scalp bothering her. She shaved her hair off as it was bothering her that some was falling out but it looked like it was all coming back but was about and inch long. We had a nice long talk and then picked up her daughter from the catholic school. I want to talk my ladies group into going to vegas to visit when she is feeling better and off treatment and live it up a little. We've talked of it before as we are all from the same high school grad class and would be a blast. It's just hard to get from talking about it to doing it! I'm up for it sometime but I know the summer is unbearable down there. Maybe September, we'll see.

Anyway, that's all there is to report and I'm back on my healthy eating plan today and going to work out! As we were by the pool and taking in all the eye candy and nice bodies, it made me want even more to be at a healthy weight! I always think, "next year when I'm in Vegas, I'll be thin". At least year I was down some weight. It has made me want to renew my commitment to fitness and healthy eating!! Hope you are all well this week!

Off to vegas

Off to vegas tomorrow! I can't wait. I need some sunshine! I had to go to the mall and get a new outfit and a haircut. Actually, the haircut was free. I won it at the weight watchers auction a while back. I think I found a new, good, cheaper hair dresser and she has lost like 93 lbs on wt watchers so far! We talked of how we have both hit a rut as far as wt watchers goes but she is continuing on and has about 55 more pounds to go. She's inpiring to me and she has 5 kids, wow.

Here's to Spider63, after you wrote about really large people who ride scooters due to their weight, now I am seeing them everywhere! Today, at walmart a big lady on one. Of course, I don't know if she had any other ailment besides being big but I just felt sympathy for her and I know that I will never let myself ride a scooter because my ass has gotten too big!! No friggen way.

Anyway, I will catch up with you fellow bloggers next week after I score my big winnings in vegas, ha ha. I will be back on program come next Wednesday come heck or high water. Hope you have a great weight loss week!

Need to recommit!

No, not to the mental ward, (though some days I feel I need it, ha ha). I need to recommit to exercise and eating healthy! I will do at least 4 days of exercise this week, Tuesday-Friday. Today, I will do an hour of cardio plus weights. I will eat healthy, just for today. And then the next day and then the next. Back to baby steps for me. This will be a challenging weekend to going to Vegas on Saturday but I will do my best. I think the hotel has a workout center and I will utilize it!!

The bad news is that my friend, Dawn, is having chemo on Friday so she will be not be feeling well while I am there. If she is up to it, I will come out to her house near vegas and just talk. She sounds like she needs it and so do it. I miss her a lot.

I am looking forward to pulling the handle on the slots! Oh yeah, now you just push a button. This year, I will also play craps, the dice/table game as my mom's friend wants me to play the game with her. My mom is good at it so we will all play and see how it goes. Mostly, I like going to shows though we don't have one planned this year. Maybe we will take in a comedy show. I wouldn't mind seeing Prince but I hear he is $150. Yikes. We have seen some great shows such as Danny Gans, Celine Dion, Rod Stewart, Elton John, blue man group, and some other acrobatic shows. I haven't seen the O show though the other ladies have and I wish we could go to that. I look forward to just hanging with the ladies and looks like it might be in the 80's so always like going to the pool and just spending some time not doing much. Can you tell I'm excited! It's always nice to get away and especially just with the ladies.

I have, regretfully, cancelled by membership with weight watchers. I need to cut back on some expenses and I really haven't been doing wt watchers for some time and why keep paying the monthly membership. The program does work but you have to be in the right frame of mind as I was last year. I get tired of counting points and truth be told even when i was losing at a steady rate, I did my own version of points. Either ate what I usually did in the points range or just winged it but knowing I was eating low cal. I really hate writing down every fricken thing I eat and the points. I will miss the meetings and the leader. It was nice to get support there and listen to the emotional side of why we eat, even when we aren't really hungry. But, I'm sure I've heard all the speeches as I went for 9 months not including other years in the past. I've got mixed emotions on not going anymore. I will keep my option open to going back as it did seem to help keep me accountable and wanting to see a lower number on the scale each week. They do have the core system where you eat just certain heathy foods with not counting points. I am maintaining at this point and am happy with that at the moment but really want to continue on this weight loss journey just need to figure out how I will do it!! The eternal problem.

I want to do a shout out to Amanda at 'What about your hips'! If you are reading Amanda, I hope you are well and will post again soon. We (bloggers) can help if you are going through a difficult time. I blog through it all, bad and good! We miss you!!!!

Hope everyone is having a awesome week!!!

The Weekend

Went out with my ladies group Friday night. We went to a persian restuarant and had chicken kabobs and rice. We hadn't been there before and it was pretty good. We then went to the University Improv and I was expecting just stand up comedy but it was actually a play about an Irish wake. It had some funny parts but usually we were just trying to understand what they were saying as they had strong accents are were pretending to have strong ones.

Saturday we went up to my sisters to exchange some bday presents and went to try out their new hot tub. It was nice and we also got a chance to watch 'The Departed'. Uggghhh. Lots of killing but thought the acting was pretty good. I like Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio as well as Jack Nicholson. They are always good. I've always like Leo since I saw him in 'What's eating Gilbert Grape'. He is an awesome actor, especially in that film as he was young and played a handicapped boy. That film also has Johnny Depp who is always great too.

Today, me and my son are just hanging out and my hubby went on a long bike ride. He's in his triathalon trianing mode and couldn't stand taking another day off from exercise. It's been raining for like 2 days straight so we finally got a break today but there are puddles and lakes of standing water everywhere. Maybe we will go to Chuck E. Cheese later which is a kid's pizza and play place. I will need my patience today as that place is like a zoo on the weekends with lots of kids and bday parties.

My uncle got out of the hospital but will return shortly for some treatment, think chemo. I need to get all the details. I was going to see him yesterday but he got discharged. I'm going to call him here in a minute.

Just maintaining my weight this week and that's the best I can do right now! Hope everyone is doing well on their exercise and healthy eating.

Not so good

Not feeling that great today as got some bad news. My uncle has lymphoma and it is in his pancreas. The doctor says 3-5 months to live. God, how do you take that information? Imagine it was you, what would you do? What could you do? He hasn't been feeling good for quite some time now that I think about it. He got his heart check out last year and they said a-ok. But, they didn't catch the cancer that was growing. My mom said they (his wife and kids) will have a meeting with the oncologist today to decide if they can do a agressive treatment or not. So waiting to hear if there are any options. I sure hope so but I know they will make their decision based on the odds of living. Would you want to try to live longer but feel like crap from chemo or radiation that may or may not help? Right now they are trying to get rid of blood clots and it's a wonder that he survived walking around with them is what they told him. It's not fair, he's in his 60's and lots of small grand children to see grow!

We will visit him Saturday and I'm trying to get my frustration and sadness out through exercise. I did a darn good run and workout yesterday and it does help some. I just want to keep it together for him and not cry and be what support I can to him! He is getting a lot of vistors from his hometown and from his past so I know that makes him feel good. He has his family around so I'm sure that is some comfort.

That's all I got today. Hope things are better in your neck of the woods.

The secret

No, don't have a big nasty secret to spill, I am refering to the book/dvd called The Secret. We just got it from my mother in law. Think I need to watch it again due to our 5 yr old wanting attention when we were trying to watch. But some of it says that you think positive thoughts to bring positive into your life. If you think negative thoughts or concentrating on the problems in your life then it will just compound and you will get more bad things in your life or you will just stay stagnant. Also, they talked of if you want something ask for it and visualize it every day. I mean, visualize yourself already having the object or achieving the goal and what you will feel like. Also, do a gratitute journal and a bunch of other stuff. I mean I like the dvd but I've heard this concept in many different ways before.

One way I've heard of the visualize it concept if from wt watchers and imagining yourself at goal. I've tried to do this and I have pics of when I was skinny so have an idea of what I would look like and feel like. I guess it helps some. The real challenge is to stay positive daily and think about the things you would like to come into your life. It can't hurt and I will give it a try!

My hubby like the idea of a visualization board. One fellow on the video put up a poster board of everything he would like to achieve. He cut out pictures of what he wanted and concentrated on this every day and achieved his goals. Maybe this will work but I felt he was concentrating just on material objects such as money, house, cars. I mean those are good goals but not all there is in life. Though it does seem money is important for us at this point. Not sure what my hubby will be wishing for. Don't think he will share at this point. My goal as I said before will to think positive and know that things will work out somehow.

I'm feeling a little better this week. We had a good sunny day in the 60's on Friday and I got out and walked for a long time and it's amazing what a little sunshine can do for me. My weight is staying the same and I haven't been doing weight watchers and I'm thinking of cancelling my monthly membership due to cutting back on spending. I don't know if I'll quit for good as I like the program and it works if you stick to it. I will try my own program for a while and see if I make some progress but it feels like I'm in a holding pattern right now.

Our vegas trip may be on hold as my Uncle (dad's brother) is in the hospital. My mom and dad are still in Palm Desert and they were planning on meeting us in Vegas but if my uncle takes a turn for the worse then my parent need to get back to Seattle. That may mean that my sisters and some friends will postpone. We'll see. It's scary as they thought a while back that he had a viral infection, now he has blood clots and in the hospital and the doctors mentioned that it could be lymphoma. Arrggh! Not the cancer! I hate it! We will see what the diagnosis is. He hasn't lived a healthy life in a long time and is real overweight and was a smoker and drinker in the past. I will think good thoughts about his prognosis and pray for him!!

I hope your week is going well for you bloggers out there!! Seems I'm dealing one bad thing after another. Oh yeah, I said I would think positive thoughts....