Happy Holidays.....and the good and the bad

Happy Holidays to everyone!!! I haven't been blogging much but hey I've been on vacation! I did get some time to comment on a few of your blogs a while back but I was away at my mom and dad's for a while and had to do the family thing and visit and go to movies. Seemed there was no time to just surf the net. We played some board games, watched movies and had some time experiencing the Wii game system as the cousins love that.

We had a nice Christmas and a good time was had by everyone. There was a downside which was some of the kids had the flu and a lot of us had colds and I've had this chest cold with bronchitis like symptoms. Yeah, sucks. I had to miss a day in Seattle to go to a great play due to a fever and coughing up. Seems like I've never really kicked this cold but it is easing up now. It was not fun at xmas to see one kid after another get the barfs. yuck!!!

I got a few clothes and lots of gift cards to a department store in the mall and one to Starbucks. So, I will be shopping again here real soon. The malls are still really crowded so I'm staying away from now as I'm sick of crowds. I gearing up to go back to school on Wednesday so looking forward to that. I'm starting my internship at a large clinic so I'm a little apprehensive as to what to expect. I'm hoping at first I just follow someone around and watch them do xrays before they throw me into the fire. I haven't even gotten my scrubs yet and will get them the day before. I hope they fit.

Yeah, weight loss hasn't been happening. I fluctuate up and down 5 pounds with being sick but it seems to come right back on. We may go to the gym today and I haven't been in ages as I've felt like crap but I can do some walking at least. Nothing planned for the new year, we don't do parties anymore. We'll try to stay up till 12am and watch the ball drop on tv. Oh, how exciting my life is. ha!

Thanks out to WannaBslim for the xmas card from way down in Tasmania! Wow, I appreciate that and it was a lovely card. I've never been down that way or even to Australia or New Zealand. Diving the great barrier reef is definitely on my list of things to do before I die! I will get there, just not now. Check out her blog and check out her awesome weight loss progress. She's definitely one of my inspirations that people can succeed at this weight loss game.

My hubby is all hyped up about his Escape from Alcatraz race as he just got to register. It's not until June though. He will get to swim near the infamous Alcatraz Island in San Francisco and brave the cold, cold waters and hopefully not shark sitings! It looks like a hard bike ride and run too as they run some on the sand and lots and lots of hills. I think the water part would be the hardest as it is a long swim. I hope I can be there as it will probably be around my finals week. Some of my family wanted to go watch but there are 2 graduations this June - my neice and nephew so everyone will be busy with that. I will make it, it will be fun. It is hard to watch a triathalon but you can be at key spots to see them. Plus, I love me some San Francisco so we'll see if we can afford it.

I'm off to check on your blogs and you are all well and having a relaxing holiday season now that the xmas rush is over. I can't believe we didn't take any xmas photos, dangit!

Vegas again

Sorry haven't been on the blog much but have been real busy!! Just got back from that Vegas vacation I was talking about a while back. We took my 21 yr old nephew down there to have some fun. He seemed to enjoy playing blackjack and looking at all the sights. The highlight was seeing the show 'Love' set to the Beatles music. I guess they bought the rights to the songs from Sgt. Peppers album or others and it was a mix of dance and acrobatics and a play all rolled into one. It was awesome as I got lucky and in the front row. I picked up the cd '1' of the Beatles hits and look forward to listening to that. It's been a long time since I've listened to their music and enjoying it again. I don't think I have any of their music though I must have years and years ago.

The down side of Vegas was losing money I shouldn't have and got my mom's cold and I just had one! So had a bit of trouble flying today as got a real bad sinus headache with the air pressure when we were come down. And of course, we stayed out way too late so gotta pay the price today and feel like crap. You pay you play, I guess. But, it was worth it and so fun to get away without worrying about my cares and responsibilities for a bit. And got to spend lots of time with my mom, sisters and nephew which we don't get too do too often.

My finals got over last week and they went well. Think an A and 2 B+ and one C. Dissapointed in that C but whatcha gonna do. I just checked on my grades for the whole quarter and I got 2 A's and A- and 2 B's. So that's not bad at all and I'm happy about it.

I was a bit sad being in Vegas again as my friend Dawn is no longer there. It is just strange cause we always see each other every time I was there. I did talk to Dawn's family and it is a hard time as the first xmas without her there and her daughter is having a hard time. It will get easier but it's just so sad. I hate to see people die early in life, it doesn't seem right.

Well, gotta go get the husband and spend time with my boy. I need to finish getting ready for Christmas this week as I am so not ready!! But, I will be. I'll get it done, I always do. Let me know what you are all up to!!! And hey, WannaB, no xmas card in the mail. I think it takes a long while from down under.

Life on hold

I'm feeling like life is on hold for finals this week. I've had one really hard final this week. There were 150 questions and at least 40 I had no clue on. She was trying to trip us up and I hope I guessed right. A lot of us don't care for this teacher. She's not personable and we study so hard and then have trouble on her big tests. The other teachers area a lot easier. They give you the material, you study it and do well. This harder teacher has you write bookfuls of notes and then tests you on obscure things in the book and things we didn't even talk about. Frustrating. I just pray that I passed the course as I had a good average on going into this final. Some people were on the borderline and I pray she doesn't flunk them out of the program. We got a lot of worried and bitchin people in my class this week.

I've put a hold on everything as far as getting ready for Christmas and having fun. It is all about the tests and school. I know I can't do this all weekend. My son wants to get a tree set up and lights up. I'm feeling stress as I haven't gotten any gifts except 2 and I need to get about 20. Ok, just focus, on Wednesday afternoon I will be done and can move on to the shopping. But, I have other committments as I have to do a school fundraiser and work in the mall doing gift wrapping next Friday and then I'm going out of town Saturday - Tuesday to Vegas. I am looking forward to it but then I'm wishing I had more time for Xmas. I will get it done but I hate leaving it to the last week before xmas, as I hate the zoo at the malls. I would try to shop online but I need different kind of gifts and need to go out and find specific things.

Sorry life is boring at the moment and not much to blog about and it's so not interesting....think of me at the library all day tomorrow I'll try not to nod off but it is nice in that it is so quiet there and I can get some studying done. My hubby and son will go off to the animal shelter and take a course on walking the dogs there. They should have fun with that.

My son and I have picked up another cold and it sucks. I think the kids pass around germs and then we get sick again so hopefully will be feeling better soon. I finally got our computer fixed and it cost us $130. It got so bad that there was a red screen/desktop backdrop and had an awful symbol and couldn't hardly use the computer. We are certainly going to watch how we surf on the net from now on as that's prob. how the computer got the virus. I just went around to most of your blogs and left comments. Let me know how you are doing! Ah yeah, haven't been dieting but haven't been gaining either so at least that's something.

green eyed monster or just bad body image

Wow, another post just after I posted 2 days ago! I was just out surfing even though my computer is still in the shop but the laptop is working out ok.

What I wanted to talk about is the green eyed monster and my own body image. I am working on little sleep tonight as I have been burning the candle at both ends with my tests this week so maybe that's why I feel a little down. I find myself jealous of others in my college class or maybe it is guilt for how I measure up. The young, thin women that are so sure of themselves and their bodies. The lady next to me (that is actually older than me) that is so slim and trim and nice looking for her age. I can't chalk it up to her asian roots. This lady takes care of herself. I find that when we went out to lunch the other day I felt like a big cow when I see how little she eats. She reminds me of the girls from long ago, like high school who would say "I am so fat" and in reality they are so skinny. She didn't say that statement. It was more like, "wow, that is a huge portion of food" she got served and then eats like a mouse and has mammoth leftovers. I feel like she is saying to me and another lady, "do not eat all that is on you plate, you little piggies". I know a lot of it is me and how I feel right now about my body size. And, with the younger women, I just think 'wow, I was once like they are and thin and trim and confident'. Wow, I think, what the hell happened to me? How have I gotten so off course. And, the million dollar question, 'why can't I lose all this weight for good?'

Yeah, just feeling negative tonight. I guess I just get tired of it being on my mind every frickin single day of my life. I feel judged for my size, I don't feel as good as others that are thin. Somedays I do, I really do. I know my heart and my brain/my intelligence is on par with others but when did I quit taking care of myself? Why did I think that appearance didn't matter that much years ago after I was married? Why did I slide? I know a lot of it is emotional baggage and eating combined with issues in my life. Then of course, being more sedentary and having a child added to it.

That just reminded me of a conversation classmates were having about the after effects of having a child and what it can do to your body. They older lady I was talking about was saying to the young 20 somethings "you can have a good body after having a child, I didn't have stretch marks". Then someone says, "well, then you get saggy boobs after childbirth" and she is like "no you don't have to". I'm thinking I don't know, does she need her ego stroked that she is looking good after 2 kids. I find her to be a bit of a flirt and likes the attention too. She is so different than I am. Of course, I'm thinking of me and some of my friends "what planet does this lady live on?" Almost everyone I know has stretch marks or some wt gain or some body change. Of course, there are exceptions. I'm not trying to dog this person. Actually I really like other aspects of her personality and she is my closest classmate in my class as I sit next to her. But, I can tell that some of her comments or just the way she is will irritate me though I won't show it. I suppose shouldn't blog about others as I'm just asking for trouble.

I want to be that lady in the fit, little jeans looking good!!! I really want to be that thinner, healthy, active person. I get a glimpse of her from time to like last summer with the triathalon. I really thought I was on my way to getting to a healthy weight. But again, Bam!! Life sidetracks me and I am off the wagon. Of course, there are positives in my life, like learning a new profession and my family. But, this one aspect of my life, my own body shape makes me so unhappy. Just reading this it would seem, 'hell, do something about it!'. Of course it is not that easy or everyone would be slim and trim and that is so not the case here in America or the world for that matter.

I remember a saying that we take better care of our cars than of our body. Hmmmm, don't know if that is true but I find myself trying to take care of my family, my son and everyone else before I take care of me. Not sure why I do that, but it just the way it is. I think a lot of us women out there do this. Especially since being a mom....you let things slide, things you used to love doing, things you enjoy. There just isn't enough time for things that make you happy.

Sorry for the downer post, just the way I am feeling. I need to get my head right and live healthier and the good feelings will follow again. When the stress of finals is over, the gym rat will be back and I'll get in some fun at the gym. I actually really miss it but have no time for it. Or that's my excuse anyway. This post is all over the place today. And green eyed monster, or whatever this is.....leave me alone.

Share your thoughts on your own body image with me! How do you feel about your size? Are you ok with it or does it really bug you and on your mind a lot?

Snow flurries

Yikes! We are having snow flurries here. Yuck! It is minor but it looks like snow weather in the sky. I don't want it as it's too hard to get around. But, of course, my boy is praying for it so we can go sledding. Ahhhhh, to be a kid again and just want snow to make us happy.

My main computer is in the shop today and who knows when we'll get it back. I'm not looking forward to the cost but I couldn't stand the computer pop ups. Got some trojan horse file or something that McAfee can't fix and they (whoever the hacker is) is changing my homepage and screen background and matter what I do I can't stop them. I'm limited on what I know about computers so it's time for the professionals. I found an old laptop I have and hooked it up so that will be internet access for now. Of course, it doesn't have all my favorites lists/links to your blogs and all the other files on my computer that I need but it'll have to do.

I'm just getting ready to study for a test on Monday and my first final on Wednesday. Then I have like 4 on the week of Dec.10-13 and then done. Stress is hitting! I'm studying things like Pnumbra and compton scattering and it's a bit boring and confusing. All back to electrons and photons and chemistry crapola. I'm hanging in there though. On Friday in our patient care lab we got to take turns stabbing each other with a needle to try to draw blood. I guess eventually we will not really do blood work but will have to run IV lines for our contrast/xray studies. I couldn't draw blood though I was in the right area. Frustrating. But, she didn't give us another try and when I work at the clininc or hospital I will get some more training. I was getting nervous as I don't want to be sticking people if I don't know what I'm doing. I know a friend of mine who went in for something once and ended up getting poked for veins like 4 times and it was a mess. I don't want to be that person. I want to get it right the first time. It's harder than I thought, that's for sure and didn't help that my lab partner was freaking out and nervous. I felt I was calm as a cucumber for my injection and I have good veins so she got some blood out of me.

Not too much else happening this weekend. I hope to get in a little xmas shopping tomorrow but don't have much time. I'm starting to feel the xmas crunch as I need to get some shopping done. I hate waiting till the last minute and having to deal with all the crowds of people at the mall. Hate that. So I will try to shop during the week as that should be better but where to find some time with finals.

My mom got back from Morocco and she didn't share any pictures with me, except a postcard of camels. They did a little camel riding and gave my son a cute camel toy. She had a good trip but is glad to be home. Some of the places she has been have been so exotic and to the far reaches of the earth like Galapagos and Antartica and Mongolia. I can live through the adventures she has and she will share stories and pictures soon.

Ok, I need to quit procrastinating and get to the library as staying home I find all kinds of distractions and don't get anything done. Hubby and son went to the mall to find shoes so I got some time. Hope you are all having a good weekend. I wish I could have some fun but now is not the time. One of these days I will take my son to a xmas movie. Maybe Fred Claus or Enchanted or something. And I'm going to the gym tomorrow come hell or high water!!!! I need to lose some acreage on this body!

Computer problems

Having a lot of computer problems! Our main pc has got some kind of bug from the internet and is driving me crazy. My husband said it kinda of crashed this weekend and I said 'what have you been looking at on the net'? ha. Who knows. Now I am on a different old laptop we have so my internet surfing will have to slow down for a while. I don't have any or your blogs saved on this computer as favorites so it's hard to get around to all the blogs right now. I think I'll buy some anti-virus software or something. We used to use McAfee. What do you all use out there if you have it?

I had a nice week with some days off. Had a nice family get together at Thanksgiving and also went to a play and stayed the night in Seattle at a hotel. It was fun but I felt like all we did was eat and eat and drink some more. It was a quick stay. They went off Christmas shopping but I had a date with my school books cause I always have tests on Monday. Three more weeks and I'm done for xmas break.

I have decided to go to Las Vegas with my family in mid-December. They are going as my nephew just turned 21 and want to show him the sites. I kept saying I didn't want to go as I was there so much this year visiting Dawn and now that's she's passed away I know vegas won't be the same as I can't see her. But....I've reconsidered and life goes on. I'll be on xmas break and I want to have fun with my family and it's paid for by my Mom so I can't pass it up now as both sisters are going too. I'm not sure how much fun my nephew will have with us old ladies, ha! I was joking with my sister that I would take him out to the hot dance clubs and show him around. I like to get her goat, ya know. Her thinking I would corrupt her son as show him the bad side of vegas, ha. She thinks I have a dark side I suppose. I guess I was the wildest of us 3 sisters as she married almost the 1st guy she dated in high school. I said 'we can all go out dancing' and she just laughed. She used to love to dance but she said all the guys in her family (she has 2 boys) aren't dancers. I do prefer to go down there when it's warm as I like to go by the pool. We can't stay in the casino all the time or we are going to be broke on day 1. We are going to take in a show. I think it's called 'love' and is about the beatles music so I'm looking forward to that.

The eating isn't too good but it could be worse. I'm going to really try to be on track tomorrow. My son wants to watch the movie 'Ratatouille' now that we rented. I heard it was pretty good. Tell me what you are up to out there in blogland! That will also give me a link to click back to visit your blogs now that I can't access my favorites list. Have a good week everyone.

Happy Turkey Day

Happy Turkey day to all of you. Just a quick post to wish you all well this holiday season if you celebrate it!!

I'm doing ok on the healthy eating this week and will probably start weighing in next week. Looks like I've stopped the upward trend and hope to get in some exercise this week as I have more time. Finished my two tests for the week at school and felt like they went pretty well. The rest of the week I am off, wooooohooooo! Love the holiday break but I do have to get in some studying time still.

I'm going to a play on Saturday and then start my xmas shopping and spending time with my family and with my mom and 2 sisters this weekend. That will be nice. My mom got back in one piece from Morocco but haven't heard much about the trip yet as she is jet-lagged. I'll see her on Thanksgiving and hear the stories.

I'll get back to blogging more next week and take care. I hope I survive the turkey day food extravaganza.

Time to face the music

I suppose it's time to face the music. Time to face what I have been ignoring the past 2 1/2 months. Time to stop the backslide I have been in. The weight gain, the negative thoughts. So the big bad number is 219. So I slid about 16 pounds. That's pretty impressive in that time frame. But, I had a lot of help with eating out a lot, especially tacos, not sure why. Eating candy, ice cream and snacks a lot. But, I think it is done, I hope. I'm sick of the junk. I've started a new day today. A new day to start exercising and eat right. I need to find a different way to cope with my stress. I know why the backslide happened. I was feeling so low after losing 2 people I love. I quit caring about taking care of myself. I was feeling a lot of sadness and stress with college too. Of course, that stress hasn't gone away.

It is really hard to see this number on the scale. But if I'm not accountable then how am I going to change it? I refuse to go up in pants size. My pants are tight and I don't know if there are fatter pants to be found. I mean I used to have some bigger sizes but I think I threw them out when I was gung ho and losing. I'm sick of myself. I am sick about the constant yo yoing. I think I did this at Christmas. I yo yo'ed back up to 220 and then in April started again and with the exercising and tri training got down to 201-203. Then an emotional backslide. How many times can I do this? Why am I hurting myself this way? Maybe even hurting my health. I think it's that I just get so tired of doing it. The dieting. The eating healthy, the exercise. No one said these were fun things. I have to find a way to get out of this cycle cause let me tell you it feels like hell and I'm stuck in it. My own private hell. Some of you know what I'm talking about as you've been there too. There is no magic cure. I keep searching for it. There is no nirvana, it's just regular old life and it's hard sometimes. There is never going to be an easy way for me as far as getting to a normal weight and living healthy. But I have to keep trying. I think it is exercise and trying to be kind to myself and then making good food choices most of the time is they key. I'm giving the devil a kick in the groin and saying 'I'm not going to stay here any longer!'

So back to being accountable. Maybe not the wisest of time to choose to get back on the healthy eating wagon as Turkey day is next week and always a temptation. But, it is just a day, one day. And what would be the alternative? Getting bigger and bigger and seeing next year getting closest to my highest weight. No, no, no! Don't want to go there as I know I'll just feel worse and worse about myself about this one area in my life.

So I've been looking at spark pages and web sites. I'm looking at success stories, I'm trying to find the mojo that I've been lacking. Today I will walk with my son but I have school here in a second but I need to make the time. I will do the walk after both our schools are finished this afternoon. He likes going to the gym anyway as it looks like the outside weather may suck today. Here's some of the quotes and advice I've come across that I liked:

from Bree Wee's site, a triathalon lady:

'If we think negative thoughts we limit ourselves.'

'The mind determines what’s possible, the heart surpasses it.'

From Spark people success story, Wendy:

'Set achievable goals and celebrate when you reach them. Be consistent in always getting back up when you fall, just keep going. Be honest with yourself and others, no more hiding. Get excited, find what motivates you. Visualize where you want to be and remember how far you've come.'

'It’s not just the weight loss, it’s the whole development of good feelings about life, people, and excitement for what the future holds.'

These are some good thoughts to get me started again. I get inspiration from them and from others out there that are starting living healthy again. If they can do it, so can I. And of course all you bloggers out there that I follow who are doing so well too, you are an inspiration. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time is all that I can do. I hope you are all doing well this week and leave me a comment and tell me how you are doing!

inner demons

Was looking at the spark boards and there was a thread called 'your inner demons'. It was interesting, we all have them. It's what doesn't keep us on the track to getting healthy and losing more weight. Most of the people commented had to say some food had control over them, especially at night. Lately my vice has been ice cream and a little candy. Darn you Dairy Queen and Halloween!! One lady said her demon is the voice that tells her that she is so busy that she doesn't need to worry about working out. I hear that voice too. ha. Another lady named Carol (from Spark) had this quote below her comment:

"once you set your mind to it, and stop fighting with yourself, and being hard on yourself, and having low self-esteem, and being your own worst enemy.... losing weight is the easiest thing in the world!!!!!"

Ok, like the comment, it makes some sense to me. But, if you're stuck in a rut or a big backslide (like I am) how do you get to that point. I'm really been hearing the voice that I said above that I'm just too busy which I have been. Like I reason with myself that I'm working on my intellectual side now with school and the physical will have to wait. That doesn't make sense I know, but it's the mind games we play. I have time for 30 minutes of walking on some days, I just have to do it. I did do a little biking this week as the weather wasn't bad so at least that was something. This weekend I'll get in some walking. I really am missing the gym but it takes me 30 minutes to get there so that isn't easy to get there when I'm busy but I need to. What are your inner demons?

As for the rest of life, it is going fine. I got B's and and A on my mid terms. It was really stressful but I made it through. Now I get to breath a little and can make do and ease up a little, well maybe not too much, still have to keep up on the studying, but a little breather before the finals in December.

Think the husband is feeling a bit neglected as he says 'I need a lover not a student'. Aiiiyyy yiiii yiiiiii. Guess I'll have to work on that. It's hard to find the balance to do well at school and keep everyone else happy too.

I took my son to "The Bee movie" yesterday. He seemed to like it but he did get a little restless when they had some lawyer/judge/court scenes. Also, took him to a party this week and wow, what a house this lady had. About 3300 square feet and I was just thinking how would I clean it all if it were my house? I have trouble with my smaller place and need to clean right now. Now we have another kid party at the end of the week and they get to do some exercise/gym play time so that will be good. Maybe I'll know a mommy or 2 so that will be good.

We got some dvd's last night, we watched 'Transformers' as we thought our son would sit through that. It wasn't bad. Now we have 'Premonition' with Sandra Bullock to watch but the question is when. The kid won't let us watch without a lot of interruptions so it will have to be late when he is in bed. Looks like an interesting movie.

Been down with a cold this week but no time to rest so that has sucked but I think it is easing up, thank god, but I've been so tired all the time. Oh yeah and my echo test they were doing on my heart valves came back A-ok so I'm real happy about that. Now, I just need to do my part and start to live healthier than I have these last 2 months and get my cholesterol down a bit.

Sorry the blog is not much about wt loss at the moment but I will try to post some wt loss related stuff in the future. I hope you are all doing well this week and hope to get around to your blogs in the next few days!

Too much candy!

My son and his friend had a good time trick or treating and the only bad thing is there is too much candy in the house!! Here's a picture of him as (muscle) spiderman and his friend as super girl and also a picture of a scary monsters' head. These people who had the monster really did it up and had those life sized wax people whose eyes follow you and talk to you. Their house was the best on the block in our friend's neighborhood. My friends made up mummy dogs (hot dogs in rolls) and scary deviled eggs and cupcakes and the kids enjoyed that. So did I as I love those deviled eggs. ha. But the bad things is her grandma made chili and you don't want my husband and chili to get together, not a pretty site, ha! We didn't end up staying out too late cause of the school night but those kids found a way to get tons of candy anyway. Now, we are trying to limit how much of it we eat but it is everywhere. Oh well.

My mid terms are going well but I have a nasty weekend ahead of me of studying in the library and at home. I have to take a break to go to a birthday party tomorrow night for my son's friend and all the mom's get together to talk. Also, I have to find time for my family, we will go out to eat tonight or something. It's so damn hard this week to get enough time for everyone, especially this week it's crazy or I'm going crazy I think. I'm not getting enought sleep but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Also, I haven't stopped hearing the 'Margaritaville' song yet. (Like I talked about a few posts back). I heard it when I clicked on a web site and when I went to Taco Time, like 5 seconds after I got in there here comes the song again. And also, on the radio too. It's way past coincidence and driving me a little bonkers, ha. It was always a good song though and I think it's proof that Dawn is in heaven looking down. Ha, close enough to proof for me as it's always nice to imagine that there is a heaven and that we will go there after we pass over even though we don't have the physical proof.

Not much else happening besides the studying but I just got back from my son's school as I was helping out a project we are all doing called 'Operation Christmas or Samaritan Purse'. It is a really good cause and we buy gifts/toy for kids and put them in a shoe box and wrap them and they will go around the world other countries and kids will have a gift for Christmas and of course they will learn a bit about God in the process. I can't imagine a child getting their first gift ever as some of these kids have nothing.

My mom is off to Morrocco tomorrow and I wish her a safe trip. I always worry these days when she goes over near the middle east but I guess this is north africa. She was talking about not worrying of gypsies (stole her stuff last time) but she is a little worried of terrorists. I'm like 'why go then?' and then she says, 'no, I'm not worried'. I hope she has a good time and she loves her traveling; we couldn't stop her if we tried.

Tell me how life is treating you! Now I'll go try to clean house for a second, it looks like a bomb went off in here and I don't have the time I used to have to clean and it sucks. Hope everyone has a good weekend. Think of me slaving away in the libary and wish me luck on the mammoth 2 tests on Monday. I'm a little worried but somehow I usually pull it off and do well. Must be the last minute cramming I do. ha.

How was your weekend

How was everyone's weekend? Mine is going pretty well. Went bowling Friday night with some friends up in Seattle. It's been a long time since I bowled and I was lucky to hit 100. Most of use weren't too good except for one of my friend's husband. We then went to a friends house nearby and checked out her condo all decked out for Halloween and had some appetizers. I refrained from the drinking as I was driving but I would have liked to but I did have a beer at the bowling alley. My friend makes a mean martini and I would have like to try it but it wasn't that important. It was good to see all the ladies show up (we have a group of 6) and this is the first time in a long time that everyone made it. My hubby was the only spouse/boyfriend that didn't go so I wasn't that happy about that but I wasn't going to force him. Ha, next time I will. It's usually the ladies only but once in a while we invite the husband/or boyfriends. It was also nice to share some sad times with them and some laughs too. It did me a world of good.

Saturday was spent studying and getting my hair done...got it cut and some more blond in there so I guess I'm happy with it though it seems too short as I got quite a few inches off. Now I'm playing with my boy and we will go do something outside or go somewhere soon as the husband is having some time with one of his friends. I also have 4 tests to study for this week. It's the dreaded mid terms! I am just about ready for the one tomorrow but Wednesday's test is going to be a nightmare as it's a lot of new things about radiology and all the stuff we have been learning since the 1st day of class. I'm trying to get the time in studying but I have to spend some time with family too, so it's hard to find that balance.

I also have one more medical test this week, that echo test on the heart at the cardiac center. I hope it will be a quick test and then hopefully I'm done with going to doctors for now. I'm feeling pretty good but, of course, I need to clean up my diet and get the cholesterol down a little and keep tabs on my blood pressure as it seemed to be up a little each time I check it. We got to practice in our lab with stethoscopes and blood pressure cuffs and of course on the automatic pressure machine my pressure was the highest of our group of eight. Hated that and I just relaxed and took it later and it was lower. I think I get nervous when they put that cuff on or something, it's weird. I know I definitely do that at the doctor's, get the 'white coat syndrome' and the pressure shoots up. Maybe I don't want to hear bad news? I don't know it's strange.

Other news, I did do that letter to my friend the one I have been talking about. So that was good to get it done. I tried to be as honest as I could and I'm not sure how she will take it. But at least it's done with and somewhat out of my mind.

We are going to take our son out trick or treating this week with some friends and I just have to survive the testing week. I'm nervous for the lab mid term on Friday too as you get to pick a card at random and that's the xray's you take. So, I gotta know my stuff and how to use the xray equipment and how to line up/center patients and all the other things I need to know. The pressure is on, that's for sure. I find myself counting down the days till the Thanksgiving break in November.

Tell me all what you have done this weekend or looking forward to. Are you dressing up for Halloween? Maybe I'll get a witch hat or something as I'm tired of being the kitty cat. My son will be Spiderman and my hubby is going to be a white trash, buck toothed hillbilly I guess. He has these goofy glasses and big teeth and a mullet hair cut wig with the short hair in front and the long hair in back. I thought that he looked a tiny bit like 'Joe Dirt' if you've see that movie. I guess he's going to wear it to work, I hope other people dress up as last year he was about the only one.

There is a bright, bright spot on the distant horizon. My parents will have their 50th wedding anniversary next fall and we asked if they wanted a party but she says 'let's go on a cruise'! So it looks like the southern caribbean for December 08 xmas with sisters, parents, kids, spouses. Oh yeah, that's something that I will really like doing as never cruised on a boat that size. Now, I'm dreaming of scuba diving in the warm island waters. Ahhhh.... I wish it was this year but it will be nice to be with all my family. I was kind of hoping for land based vacation but this will fun to see what a cruise is like.

I was trying to re-arrange the top of my blog. Can you put more than one picture up on your blog on the top header thing? I guess I need to do some research, I'm not too good on the layout/design thing. I notice a lot of you change the look of your blog from time to time. That picture above is when we lived on Maui and that is my hubby walking toward the water, we were looking for a place to sit and this was our beach near our apartment in Kihei. I remember just going and laying in the sun and going swimming and snorkeling would just lift your spirits. There is no bad day at the beach. Wish I was there now!!

I almost wanted to go up to a Seattle bloggers meet and greet today to meet the infamous Dave from Blogography.com and others. He has a cool blog and like how he rants at the world and his sense of humor and especially all his travel reports. But, I'm not really in the popular bloggers group and life is just too darn busy these days so I will vicariously live through reading about other bloggers meeting each other. Wouldn't it be cool for all of us to meet? Ha, I know it darn well impossible as some of you are 1/2 the world away. Oh well.

Hope you are all well out there in blogland. Stop by and say hi, I like to hear from you.

Wasting away again in Margaritaville

See I didn't stay away long....I planned to but I missed my blogging and the interaction with all of you.

Why 'Wasting away again in Margaritaville' as the title? Well, for those of you that have been reading my blog for a while it's in regards to my friend Dawn who I lost to cancer recently. This summer she talked to me of how she thought her sister (who died at 12) who she thought would tap on her shoulder and Dawn would look around and think, 'what was that'? Like a touch from beyond or something. So Dawn says to me, 'I can tap you on the shoulder after I'm gone' and you will know I'm there. I thought is might creep me out to feel a tap so I told her 'no, how about you play a Jimmy Buffet song for me'. Dawn was a big fan and everytime I got into her car she would have his cd on. And everytime I would visit most times I would stay at the Flamingo hotel which has Buffet's Margaritaville Restaurant in it. We would go there a lot of times to have a few drinks or dinner and just to talk and have some fun. There always seemed to be something going on there so it was kinda like our place. So anyway, in the past 2 weeks each time I was at 2 different grocery stores I hear the song 'Margaritaville' playing. It was unreal. Maybe just coincidence? Last time this guy next to me looking at the bread was whistling along with the song. I don't know, I took it as a sign that Dawn was looking down on me and saying 'hi' and thinking of me. Actually last time I heard it I just felt a sense of calm come over me and I felt happy and I just say 'hi' back up there to heaven. Sounds strange I know but I don't dismiss things that are a little different. I do believe in the afterlife and like to think of her happy and at peace now.

Well, I was thinking I need a break due to two things. One is my friend that has been reading my blog that I talked about a few posts back. Well, she has been reading and sending me emails. Last one was a critique of my emotional eating entry. She was suggesting what I should write about on my blog and basically telling me that giving up on losing weight is not an option. I didn't say I was doing that anyway. Let's just say I didn't handle it well and I fired back an email. And let me tell you, don't write an email when you are mad. It came out a little too harsh and I think I hurt her feelings. It's not like me to do that but I'm on edge lately. It just brought back to my attention what I don't like about our friendship which is her contantly giving me advice. I think we have hardly had a visit/converation without her telling me how I should change or live my life. Well, she says she's not reading my blog now but maybe she is. I hate that it make me feel I can't be honest and open and say what I want on this blog. But, guess what, I say so what! I'm still going to blog and just f*ck it. This is my space to say what I want and I will. Of course, maybe I shouldn't get so personal on the blog but it helps me sometimes. I still am working on a letter to her as she sent me a long one. I don't think I want the friendship to end but sometimes it seems like a lot of work to keep it going. I think we are taking a break from each other for now. But, we have been friends all our lives, we both were each other matrons/maid of honor and there is some good there. And I do know that she means well and doesn't mean to cause me pain.

Sometimes I think she doesn't get what kind of friend I need. I need a friend who will listen and not judge. Just accept me as I am. Sometimes we need girlfriends just to commiserate with us and listen not try to solve our problems like some of the men do. As we share our problems it helps deal with them and then we can take on the challenges life throws at us. Cause lately after losing people in my life I feel like I'm floating out to sea in a boat with no oars. I'm keeping my head above water but I can see the sharks. I think the sharks are the in the murky waters of depression and I don't want to go there. The problem I have lately is I haven't been reaching out to friends much to deal with my losses, I am just going it alone. I'm not sure why I'm doing that. I did have some time with sisters and my mom and talked of my friend and uncle and my feelings. Sometimes, that's just what you need. Others just want to go on with life and not talk about the friend we lost and I need to as she meant so much to me. Of course, to them they can't really understand as she was just a classmate and an acquaintence to them and to me she was my confidant and soul sister. The world is not the same without her in it. I can't come to grips that I will have to live the rest of my life without her. This will take a long while to deal with as I still break out in tears from time to time. It is not getting easier yet but it will.

The other reason for stressing is my radiology school. We get tested every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I feel the pressure. There is so much studying I'm having trouble finding enough time for my family but I have to so something's gotta give. And they kept on harping on in the beginning that you have to at least pass with a 79% in all classes or you don't pass. So far I'm staying on a high average but a test I took on Monday I'm really worried about. It had to do with density and contrast and some physics so I'm going to have to really buckle down for that class. The rest are going well. I just forgot how much work it is. So, I'm burning the midnight oil and staying up late when the rest are in bed. I got to the library sometimes too as I need that quiet time to study and no talking.

I'm listening to Buffet's great hits album and the song 'fruitcakes' is on. Have you heard it before? Kinda funny. The part he just said was about his wife saying to him I think and it goes 'I treat my body like a temple, you treat yours like a tent'. I guess that's something to ponder. My hubby is Mr. fitness so I guess he's the temple and I'm the tent. I was just eating any old thing I wanted and avoiding the scale lately. But I've stopped that and am eating healthier. I'm not dieting but I will begin again soon. I did gain some and I feel like maintaining is the best for me right now. Like some of you said, the answer to problems, the solace is not in the food. I have to keep that in mind. I'm going to get in some exercise today with my son after his school. I'll take him to the gym and he can play a bit while I exercise and then we can do something together like swim or something.

Well, I am just going on and on today and I hope you all are doing well in your own life journeys. I need to go read a chapter for a test tomorrow, oh what fun. I'll come around the blogs to see how you are doing.

Wish I could just fly a plane to the caribbean like he did....see the picture...it must be nice. He says he has a 'caribbean soul I can barely control' and I know just what he means.

Taking a break from the blog

I'm taking a little break from blogging for a while. I'm dealing with some shitzola as they say. I'm stressed from school and don't have much time. I will get around to your blogs and visit when I get time. I'm not gone for good just for a while....

Emotional eating and why do we get fat

I was thinking today I wanted to talk about emotional eating. Someone told me recently they didn't understand why an intelligent person would allow themselves to get fat. Maybe in different exact words but that was the jist. I mean saying that cause I started out thin, long, long ago.

What I say to that is obviously they have never been fat. We all have our different reason for putting on the poundage. Sometimes it's just getting older and eating too much and not moving that much. For me it was a little of that but more about emotional eating. I was trying to go back in time and remember when I starting to put on weight. I remember a distinct time was right after I got married. I was working for this accountant. He was very nice and outgoing but he had a real bad tendency of coming up behind me and trying to massage my shoulders. And also when I had to go make copies in the copy room, there he would be in the doorway and not moving. I had to kind of squeeze on by him and was thinking 'why won't he move out of the way'! He was the touchy feeling kind of boss and I finally realized that he was sexually harassing me. I was young and naive I suppose. I thought, well, he's just from Morrocco or somewhere, aren't they like that in their country? His wife was the office manager, she didn't seem to say anything. I started to feel stress about going to work. I started to gain weight. I'm not sure how that's related but I guess cause I was stressed and feeling down I started to eat and to gain weight.

Anyway, fast forward to other times in my life. I was at work at the school district, I was an admin assistant/office manager. I liked the people I worked for but my boss was an evil b*tch who no one seemed to like much. They were always asking how I could work for her. The job was stressful and I began to eat. She liked to stress me out my giving me things last minute to do in 1 hour....projects that she could have given me days if not hours before. She drove me crazy. I think I was 170lb when I started that job and by the time I left there 3 years later when I got pregnant I was up to 212. Hmmmmm.....stress....weight gain. Coincidence? I think not.

Then later after the baby....started to gain more. Hit a bad spot in the marriage. You know, don't talk about it...just eat. Adding a baby to the mix was a real big shocker/change for us as we had been married 10 years with no kids. So we fix the marriage and then I started to lose the weight....about 40lbs and now a standstill due to stress again.

Food had/has become my drug of choice. When things bother me, let's eat. When someone made me feel bad...let's eat. Keep it all inside. Don't let them know how they hurt me. Just eat. Of course, it worked for a while. But then I'd get mad at myself for eating the fast food or ice cream or whatever and I was just hurting myself. Stress has always been a key trigger for me. That, and food is love. You know, growing up it was a treat to go out to eat. We started out poor in the beginning and going out to eat was a rare thing. And my mom was and still is a good cook. It seems food=love. She loved to provide us with the food, especially the holidays. We got the full spread. Now 2 out of us 3 sisters are overweight. My dad also loves to eat but he's not too much overweight. I guess he would go up and down 10-20 lbs. all the time. My grandma was overweight. Who the heck knows why we are the way we are. Or maybe it was that I didn't share with hardly anyone back then....my father was a big drinker. So was my grandpa. Definitely alcoholics....did I not get the love I needed from him? Probably. Did it affect my weight? I really don't know. Did it affect my happiness and my body image and self esteem from things he would say? Yes. I think so.

All I know is that when I am in pain or under stress, I can revert back to eating. It has been happening again as of late. With the deaths of 2 of my loved ones....I don't seem to care that much about healthy eating. And due to my constant school and studying the exercise in nill. I'm trying to break out the rut. I'm feeling crappier and my pants are tighter but I haven't gotten on the scale. I'm sure I've gained a good amount...ya know I can just tell. But, this is not about beating myself up. This is about understanding it. This is about how to break the spell that food can have over me. My own little coping mechanism.

I was talking to my sister about the weight issues. And she said it's funny you know. When people mention your weight or that you should do something about it.......she said ya know, 'it's not like we don't know we have a weight issue'. Meaning, why the heck do they need to bring it up at all. It is our own private dilemma. Another blogger, Sandi from down under in Australia took it a step further and said you know what? She said she is tired of dieting and is just going to accept who she is right now and the weight she is at. I wish I could do that. I can't seem to do that. It would be so much more easier. It would be easier than thinking....'I have to get back to that thin woman I was years ago'. Because the funny thing is that I'm still the same inside but it seems that some people forget that. Then it makes me think, 'have I changed?' Yeah, I suppose I am not as confident as when I was young and thin. I mean confident in the way that I look and feel about myself. But other days I'm like 'I'm still the nice person inside and if people can't see that then they can just go stuff themselves'!

Anyway, I'm just going on and on. Taking a break from my all day study marathon as I have 2 big tests on Monday. I am liking learing about xrays and like Fridays the best as sometimes we get to do real xrays on the phantom/dummy things they have in class. The hands on learning is fun. All this bookwork and memorization is the dull part.

Tomorrow we will go with some friends to the pumpkin farm and pick out pumpkins and maybe go through the huge corn maze. My son loved it last year. And it's time for some fun about now....dangit! Ok, share with me if you have had struggles with emotional eating. Do you still struggle? If you don't, how did you break the cycle? Please share, I'm not getting any younger and want off this merry go round.

A big 'sorry' to my friend.....and should my blog be private?

First of all, it's breast cancer awareness month! Go out and get checked or do self exams or go get your mammograms if you are of that age. I know all to well what breast cancer can lead to and it ain't pretty.

I want to say a big 'sorry' to my friend Kathy. I have come to find out she is a reader of my blog....hmmmm...how many of you out there know me personally? If you do, come out of hiding or lurking and de-lurk and say 'hi' on my blog. Well, I wrote a while back about Kathy and how I didn't think she was supportive in her comments to me over the years. I was angry that day and it showed and for that I am sorry. But, of course, there is a bit of truth in what I said about my feeling about our relationship. She wrote me (and your prob. reading this Kath) today and wrote a long letter about her worry about my weight and about my feelings toward her and our relationship and how it is hard to get close. It made me cry. I know you are coming from a place of caring for me but somehow it feels like you judging me on my weight and on my life choices over the years. It makes me feel like you think less of me as a person for being overweight. It has been my coping mechanism for a lot of things in my life when I was down or it just happens. People turn to things when life brings them down. My addiction was food and maybe still is. Others turn to drugs or alcohol. So actually I'm glad that my vice is food. I wasn't hurting anyone else but myself. I dislike feeling judged for it. And at times, I distance myself from you cause I didn't feel supported. Of course I still care for you! I always have, I feel like I've always stuck up for you to our friends from the past. You did have a tendency to rub some the wrong way. They took your comments as harsh and wanted to distance themselves from you and not include you. I always stuck up for you and said 'we have to invite Kathy too'. So, in a way I always felt I was looking out for you. I understood why you could be the way your are. How you seemed to always have advice on how I should live my life. Your mother was that way with you and still is. You grew up with 3 brothers and dad that all were competitive and liked to tease you. It's what shaped you. I will work on a letter to you (it will take a while).....it is so hard to really share with you my inner feelings like I did with Dawn as I felt judged by you and that I couldn't live up to your standard. I know it was not your intent but that's how I felt. With Dawn it was so easy, she just accepted me as I was and tried to lift me higher. And she shared with me her real down low moments that I don't think you have really done with me. We connected on that, our down times and going thru marital issues at the same time. And then later, I tried to be there when she got the cancer and tried to cheer her up when I went to visit. But, thank you for you long letter. It gave me some insight into your thinking and how you are and how you feel. And, I don't regret you doing the triathalon with me. I was actually thinking after the race, 'how cool is it to be doing something like this with a friend'.

Ok, the rest of you out in blogland are wondering...what am I talking about? This comes to my dilemma...should I continue my blogging? Should I make it less personal? Should I make it private to only a select few? I started this blog as a fitness blog but it has become more like a diary. I knew it could get me into hot water for getting personal. I need to think on this some more. I do like this blog outlet and sharing with all you in blogland. It's my own kind of therapy I think to get things off my chest even with people I've never met. Also, a lot of you are weight loss bloggers and can understand and empathize with my weight loss struggle. I think in a way that no thin person who has never had this issue can. You know what I mean??

I went to the lung/pulmonary doctor today to get my results. The breathing test came back good. She listened to my heart and said I had a heart murmur. I had one as a child and thought it had gone but it is back. I think it's something that people just live with unless it goes a step further and become a valve prolapse. But, that is not what it is. I'll see how I feel when exercising again and if I push it. But, I am feeling pretty good today and think it was just major stress. And no, contrary to what some might think, this chest pain wasn't related to my weight at all.

Ok, I'm coming off as a little upset and touchy today but that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Maybe I need to start a paper journal and make it private and for my eyes only. I know some of you out there have made your blogs private. And some others just write about fitness. Maybe that's what I need to do but the problem that life is so much more than fitness. I can't just write about that as I get bored with it from time to time. I want to be open and honest but it's hard now.

Back to my studying and may you be having a better day than I. I hope you are kicking butt on your own healthy living journeys.

a success story and trouble in the water supply

Here's a one of the success stories I get regularly from wt watchers at http://www.weightwatchers.com/success/art/index.aspx?sc=17&SuccessStoryID=9401.

I'm not on their program anymore but still enjoy reading these. This lady lost a lot of weight and has a little more to go. It give me hope to see these people change their lives and hear their stories and know that it can be done. What I would really like to see from wt watchers is people that have lost all the weight and kept it off for 5 years or more. I'm sure there are a bunch of them out there even if the public says it isn't so.

I'm trying to get back into the wt loss mode. I just haven't been making the time to do it. I mean when I used to exercise 4-5 times per week I just seemed to eat healthier or just want to do it. Now, with all this college course work and watching my son I just don't seem to have the time and what free time I do have I spend with family but mostly I am studying! I am burning the midnight oil to get all my studying in. And, when I am tired, the last thing I want to do is exercise. I will make an attempt to go tomorrow as it's the weekend.

We've had a scare in our city. They closed the surrounding schools and my sons school too due to finding E-Coli in the water supply. First of all I'm scared that I might have drunk a little of it over the past week but not much as I usually do bottled water or that my son or hubby has. And secondly, it has been a major hassle to find day care for my son with no school to go to. I go to day school at college now and my hubby works a ways away and it has been a pain. I hope they can figure this all out my Monday or else he has to go to Grandma's. I'm sure everyone is getting upset, I mean the restaurants around here as a lot of them had to close due to this issue and everyone is losing money.

In other news, I've been doing well on all my tests/bookwork but found it hard to do a mock xray today. We positioned each other to do a chest xray and had to do the focus/alignment and all the other factors. I didn't do that well I fear and am pissed at myself. It's so hard to lose points this way as they are grading us at every turn. I know it just my first time doing this but I wish they would have let us practice beforehand. I don't like how they throw us into the fire and sink or swim. So, I'm a little down about that. But, my test taking has been good and I have another big test on Monday. I mean the academic side is good but the new area of hands on xray and technical stuff is throwing me for a loop at the moment. I was so nervous and lost my train of thought!!! Ugggghhhh. My hubby thinks I'm burned out from school already but I think it is all the other stress that I have been under for the past month and my health concerns that have compounded things.

I gave him a break tonight and he is visiting an old fishing buddy that has set up a ju-jitsu (not sure of the spelling) school. This guy used to be an ultimate fighter. Ya know, the nasty, low down fighting where anything goes from kick boxing to punching to wrestling. Nasty!

I hope you all have a great weekend and I will try though I have a day at the library planned but I just have to keep my eye on the prize of a new occupation.

A bit better

Feeling a bit better today about things. I had 2 medical tests today, the PFC (or breathing/lung test thing) and a stress test. The tests seemed to go well. I still need to see the pulmonary doctor next week but the heart doc said the stress test was A-ok. They put all these sticky round things on you and hook up the wires. They put you on a treadmill for 10 minutes, first at an easy pace and then continually harder till your running. It was a little hard at the end as I haven't jogged in so long but I knew it would be over soon. They checked my heart and blood pressure and it seemed to be in the normal ranges though a little high at the beginning. I was happy that the doc said that she wouldn't refer me for more tests. If I have more chest pain then she said I might want to get an echo test to look at the how the valves in my heart are working. I did have a heart murmur as a child so that would be something to look at if my symptoms come back. But, I am still having some upper back pain and arm pain but I haven't had the chest pain all weekend! That's good news and gives me hope that this is was just a very stressful period in my life. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that stress would cause me to have bad chest pain. They haven't said it's stress but I suppose it could be.

The weekend was a bit difficult going to my uncle's funeral. There was a lot of crying going on but it was a nice rememberance of him and his son talked and other folks and had a nice slide show of pictures. They put on a great after party and tons of food. Their community/church really comes together in their small town. We then went to my Aunt's house and talked with all the family and other close friends. Some people (his son, my cousin) took the after get together as an excuse to get obliterated with alcohol. I know it's a tough time for him, especially today, but I see the alchoholic tendencies in him that night and other times. Our family has a history of alcoholism. All the way from my Grandpa to my dad to my uncle. The good news is that my dad and my uncle had overcome their demons and were alcohol free after years of abusing it. So, a lot of us are worrying about my cousin. I hope he can contol it. I know the feeling though, he probably just wanted the alcohol to numb him from feeling anything. It was good to see a lot of extended family, even my grandma's brother who I haven't seen in ages. He reminds me so much of my grandma who died 12 years ago. My son had a blast with the cousins as there were so many kids to play with.

I feel like I've lost a lot of ground in regards to fitness. I was on that treadmill test and thinking, 'wow, this is hard'. Why have I let myself slack so much. I think I was just scared when I had the chest pain and quit working out except for some walking. I feel like I have come a long way from the high of doing the triathalon and now feeling kinda low. And, I have to admit to the HALL OF SHAME. The hall of eating shame! When all these medical issues came up and all this sadness this past month I have been having a field day with food. Let's see I've been favoring those little debbie cakes, kind of like chocolate ho-ho's. And I'm a good customer of Taco Time and their Chicken soft taco and mexi-fries. And I've been bad about having ice cream, ya know the hot fudge sundaes! Yikes. It's like all that I have been depriving myself of I just let loose and had them. Kind of like self-medicating with food. Some of you know what I'm talking about. I used to self medicate with exercise and have to find a way to do that again.

But, school is really busy and I have tons of reading to do all the time and have 2 tests in radiology tomorrow. So, I'll take it one day at a time for now. How do you all handle stress? I really need to find more ways to do that as it looks now that it can affect my health. Maybe a massage is in order. Hope you all are having a good week!

gloom and doom

Can't help but feel a sense of gloom and doom. I had a call from the nurse and I can't even remember the exact wording but they think they might see something on my chest xray but it's indeterminable. Whatever the heck that means. And my cholesterol is a bit high but not sky high. Now the nurse says the doc wants me to go ahead with the stress test/ekg thing which I was going to do anyway next week but now wants me to see a pulmonologist or something to rule out problems with the lungs. I'm really confused by this. I'm not sure if they might see something in the lungs or what. It doesn't make sense for me to see two diff. specialists when I haven't even had all the heart tests. My symptoms have been heart related not breathing related.

As you can tell I'm not a happy camper at the moment. I'm trying to stay up and positive but it's impossible these days. I ended up cancelling on my outing with my friends due to school stress and the health stuff. And for some reason when the nurse left a message to call her I knew it wasn't all good news. Sometimes I think I have too much intuition.

I didn't weigh in today, I am on a hiatus but I bet I'm up some. It's taking a back seat for now. But I vow to eat healthy today and to get in a walk. I can't do heavy cardio now as I'm not feeling my best but I can still walk. School is going pretty good but they are tough on us and had our first test the 1st week. It seemed to go well but I'm already behind on the reading. I have 4 classes and they give us about 2 huge chapters per class per week so I'm not sure when I'm gonna get it all done. I usually would take a weekend day and go to the library but we are going down to my aunt's house for my uncle's funeral or as she is calling it the 'life celebration'. So it will be extremely hard but it will be good to spend some time with that side of the family. My cousins (3 of them) all have small children so my son will enjoy seeing them. So, gotta do the family thing and they want us to spend the night on Saturday. I'm just having trouble due to the school demands versus family wishes. I can't let them down so I will find a way.

I will try to do a more uplifting post sometime or diet/wt related eventually but I feel like I'm just keeping my head above water. Hope everyone out in blogland is doing good and I will visit your sites soon.

The weekend

Went to a play yesterday called 'Lone Star Love' starring Randy Quaid. It was funny but hokey. It is a new play and will eventually end up on broadway they say. I thought he was good in the goofy, womanizing role but I guess he didn't get great reviews. I thought he was funny and like him in his movie roles too. I remember having a little crush on his younger brother, Dennis Quaid way back when he was married to Meg Ryan. He seemed so funny. After the play, we then went out to dinner at a british pub/restaurant (think it was called Elephant and Castle) though I didn't try the English food. About as English as my family gets is fish n' chips. Ha, ha! I couldn't get anyone to try the shepherd's pie and my mom wanted me to try bangers n' mash. The only one who venture to try something different was my sister Denise who had some kind of meat pie thing.

Today was spent cleaning up the house and to the store to get ready for the busy week ahead with my school and getting everyone organized as we will need to get up real early on Mon/wed/fridays. I will get up at 5am. It will take some getting used to but on Tuesdays I will have off school, thank god, to study and Thursday is a little lighter schedule. We are in the bedtime battles tonight trying to get my son to sleep earlier as he will need to go to day care for 2 hours on the busy days before school. It will be an adjustment and we may have a cranky and tired kid for a few days but we'll adjust sooner or later.

I did get my blood work done and my xray so I'm waiting for the results. I will do the stress test in early October. I was having a lot of pressure and radiating arm pain all week. I almost starting freaking and thinking 'should I go to the ER?' But, I chose not to and was glad as yesterday it didn't seem as bad. I'm trying to use mind over matter and see if this is stress related or what. I do have some of the signs of high blood pressure I think and will keep an eye on that. My mother takes meds for high blood pressure since her 40's and it can't be controlled by diet or exercise as she is just a little thing so it could be me who gets the curse. But, it's ironic if I do get this condition as I feel I'm healthier than I have been in years as far as I dropped 40 pounds and exercised like crazy this year. But who knows what my body is up to?

So, for my bad week I didn't get much exercise in as I was in pain and my eating hasn't been great. Kind of mad at myself but what ya gonna do? Tomorrow is a new day and I'm off the diet wagon for now. I will try to get in a walk and a good workout on Tuesday if I feel good.

I'm hoping to see some friends for a walk on Wednesday night but it's getting harder to travel and meet them with my school demands now. I travel about an hour to see them and have to figure out how to coordinate with my hubby after work and it feels like a hassle during the school week and now with me up early. But, I like to see my friends as they make me feel good and a it's good to connect with them so I will keep trying to see them.

My hubby is busy selling stuff on Ebay so I gotta give up the computer. We did get another computer (a laptop) and a wireless router that was a hand-me-down so maybe we can both be surfing here soon when I figure it all out.

Hope you are all doing well this week and thanks for kind comments. I'm not posting as much but I'm trying for at least 2 per week.

weigh in and more sad news and concerns for me

Sorry I'm such a sad sack at the moment! Believe you me, I would rather be postive and upbeat like I usually am but I can't at the moment. (or in the past month it seems)

First of all, the weight in for today is a maintain...so still at 203. I think I will just try to maintain at this point as that's all I feel I can do at this stage. I'm not giving up on the weight loss, just postponing it a bit.

My sad news is that my uncle died last night. We knew it was coming but I find myself breaking out in tears today. I'm tired of all this dying it is starting to wear on me.

Another thing that is happening that I didn't mention before is that since the end of August I've been having some chest and left arm pain. I chocked it up to just a sore muscle after the triathlon or perhaps from weight training so I have been ignoring it. But this past week I've been having a irregular heart beat. Kind of like the heart skips a beat so that is real unusual for me. So, to be on the safe side I decided to go see the doctor today before my school really gets so busy next week. I had a EKG and that seemed fine but my blood pressure was up but I think it had to do with being emotional today and a little nervous. Because of my symptoms of some minor chest pain and some a few weeks ago when I went running she ordered more tests. So, I will have the blood work to check the cholesterol, kidney function, etc. tomorrow and get a chest x-ray. Also in about 2 weeks I will get one of these stress tests done where they hook you up like the bionic woman or something. Of course, I didn't feel my heart doing the abnormal thing today but I did last night. Isn't that just the way it is? You have symptoms and then they stop at the doctors. I still have the mild pressure in the chest though. So I asked, could all this emotional stress I have been under cause these symptoms? She said maybe but that she didn't think so. I'm not sure. I just want to be safe and not sorry. We have no heart disease in my family, it's the cancer that kills our clan. So wish me luck that this will all end up being nothing!!

So that is one reason that I will just try to maintain as my mind/heart and everything isn't into the weight loss. I will keep blogging though, ok? I like to see how all of you are doing too. For good things to look forward to I have a play to go to in Seattle on Saturday and so will see my sisters and mom. The next weekend will be a 'life celebration' for my uncle so that will be really emotional. I am trying to do a 'what I am thankful for list' to try to keep things in perspective.

I'm busy starting my reading for radiology and getting some other things ready but it's funny just as I'm about to learn to xray in our mock lab at school, I'll get my own xray. Not the best of days today but I'm still functioning! My cars front brakes are out so I'm getting that fixed today but not looking forward to the bill. I'm just Ms. Negative today aren't I? That positive thinking is just not working for me right now.

I hope all of you out in blogland are doing well on your own healthy living journeys. And, thanks for checking up on me...I appreciate it.

Not feeling on top of my game

For some reason I'm not feeling on top of my game. I feel lax, I feel unmotivated. It could have to do with my hubby and son are sick with colds so need some extra care. It could be that my uncle who has cancer took a turn for the worse and is in the hospital. He prob. doesn't have long to live. With his illness being so close to losing my friend to cancer, I just can't deal very well.

So, it is one day at a time. The stress of going back to school was difficult. I mean not in going to school but managing all my other duties. Taking care of my son and taking care of my health. I hardly worked out but I did have company so it was hard to get away. I did get in some walking but that was about it.

I vow to do better this week! I will workout tomorrow at the gym and try to do some walking today. I will do better on my eating and try to watch my portions more. Ok, that's my short pep talk to myself. I feel like as I close in on 200 that I loose my focus or maybe it's just all the changes going on in my life. I find my motivation lacking and that hasn't happened for quite a while. It scares me a little as I don't want to slide back and not recover.

Anyway, yesterday as my hubby was feeling real ill and needing to rest my son and I went out to do putt putt golf. My son loves it! We got a ribbon for doing it but he really wants that trophy that they give out but you have to get a hole in one on the last hole and of course it's almost impossible as you have to hit up this ramp and get it in the tiny hole. After that we went to play video games and games where you get tickets and trade them in for prizes. He went in this huge ball pit area. Usually I don't like these things as they seem so dirty. They prob. don't even clean them as it would be too hard to do. But he was begging and this ball pit is like the size of a swimming pool so kinda cool.

We may go to the local fair again tomorrow as I like to see all the animals and all the exhibits. Last time we just took him on rides and to see Patrick from the sponge bob show. The photo turned out a little blurry though but he was excited and liked the picture. Now, of course, he wants to go back when Sponge bob is there.


Other than that this week I need to get the rest of my shots done for the future hospital work and get my car fixed it is making some awful sounds in the front wheel and of course start study my radiology as I have reading assignments already!

I hope everyone is doing well this week and getting in some exercise and I will too.

bah humbug

I almost don't feel like posting this after feeling good about my loss the last 2 weeks but I want to be honest and accountable so....I'm up 2 pounds and at 203. Onederland will have to wait a while longer. After being sick and losing a lot I started to eat normally this weekend up till now and the weight shot back up! Ok, it just a small step backward and I'm not going to get down about it. But I do feel slightly bad as Spider named me his wt loss winner last week which I rarely am the biggest loser of the week so feel a little like I let myself down or others. ha. I know this is my own battle I'm fighting and each of you is your own wt loss battle too. I actually saw the scale hit 200 pounds exactly even on Thursday but it was only for a day. I guess I am just on track for my slow rate of loss that I usually have if I average it out so it's not all bad. But, sometime, I think my body is fu**ing with me. I was at this weight up and down a few pounds years ago and was at this weight for quite a long time. Maybe the setpoint theory? You know your body remember weights that you had stayed at for a while and has trouble moving past them. Just a theory. Probably has to do more with that I slowed down on my exercise.

I've got some more stress in my life as back to school now and it's getting a little intense. Sometimes it's boring going over all the procedures and expectations they have of us in radiology. Then 2 hospital coordinators came out to talk to us because we will be working the
'clinical' aspect of school as they call it which means 2 days a week I will be working in the hospital or imaging center starting in January. I will learn on the job as a student and working with a certified radiology tech. which will be the best way to learn. Kind of like an apprenticeship I suppose. Well, anyway, one of these ladies tried to scare the pants off us by talking about all the blood, guts, vomit, poop, pee, etc. that we will see. That we will see death and suffering and on and on. I think she is trying to weed us out or at least give us worst case scenerios that we will see. I know what I might encounter working with sick and hurt people. I've thought about it long and hard and I think I can handle it. I'm sure there will be days that will hard to take but I'll take it one day at a time. I got a little look into it last year when I did my job shadows and got to spend time in radiology and observe the tech's and the stress they can get.

Well, gotta go to bed as we went to the local fair tonight and my son had a blast but I am wiped out and need some sleep as I'm getting up at 5:30am these days and having a bit of a challenge getting adjusted to that. I'm a night owl and trying to make myself an early bird is going to take some time. I find myself a little cranky in the mornings as I haven't been getting enough sleep.
The good thing is I'm meeting some new friends at school and have a feeling I'll get pretty tight with some of these 24 people in my class over the next 2 years. Also, the school is taking my mind off of my sad feelings about losing my friend. So, this is a good thing for me. I know Dawn would want me to be happy and try not to keep grieving over her and crying. I know she would want us to just remember all the good times and thoughts about her so I am trying. But, as you all know if you've lost someone close to you, it seems to take a long time to get over a loss such as this. Do you really ever get over losing someone close to you? I think it just gets a little easier with time but it's still there. Kind of like that person that died took a little bit of your heart with them and you can't get it back. The world is a little less bright without them in your life.

I hope to get in some more exercise this week but so far with school and my mom visiting we've only been walking a few miles and not consistantly. I haven't even gotten to the gym and am really missing it! I will get there this weekend and get out on a bikeride too. I hope everyone's week is good and talk to you on the weekend or I'll see you on your blogs when I get some time!

Nice weekend in Oregon

We had a nice weekend in Oregon. We went to Cascade Locks as my husband was doing a triathalon called 'Escape from the Gorge'. Here's a picture of him and my son yesterday when we were on our way home. We stopped at Mulnomah Falls a few miles away from where we stayed. It was very pretty there. The triathlon went well but there was strong wind through the Columbia River (gorge) channel and there were some good sized waves. They shortened the swim portion of the race. My hubby said they had to rescue 7 people out of the water and someone said they had to do rescue breathing on one person. Scary. My son and I just hung around the playground and race area as you really can't watch the bike and run portions so I just took pictures when he came back to get his bike or to go out running. My pics didn't turn out that well but here's one of him running and one of him at the end of the bike portion going to the transition area to start running.














I'm pround of him for doing all his races and like that he enjoys it so much. It's hard to find a hobby you can really enjoy. One of the reasons he did this race was to attempt to place in the top 2 in his age group to qualify to the Escape for Alcatraz held in June next year in San Francisco. He didn't place in the top as there were a lot of guys in his age group. I told him, 'hey there are alot of guys going through a mid life crisis too'. I was just joking but there seemed to be a lot of men in the plus 40 group. It was his lucky day though as they had a lottery at the end where they draw 8 people's name for an extra chance to go to the Alcatraz race and my hubby got picked. He was so happy it was nice to see. I say 'why do you want to do that race so bad?' and he says something like 'because I can' or 'because not many people get the chance to do it'. I say ok, if you want to battle the freezing cold temperatures of San Francisco bay and battle the sharks, (ha, just kidding)! I hope I will be able to go next year with him but have a feeling it will be right around finals time at my college.

We also had a chance to go over to the town of Hood River, OR. I wanted to get a picture of all the wind surfers but not many out on Saturday. Here's a pic of the town from a far and the marina.




Here's another waterfall picture....love those waterfalls. We did see some windsurfers on Sunday at this place called Rooster Rock. There were also a lot of Kite boarders (I think it's called). It's where you have this big kite and you take it in the water and you ride this type of board that looks like a wake board for water skiiing. Some of these guys caught the high winds just right and were flying out of the water. It looks awesome but also looks hard. Maybe I can try it someday? Who knows.









In other news, I didn't eat particularly well this weekend as we were eating out a lot. Oh well, forgive myself and move on. After my last 2 weeks of losing quite a bit I'm predicting that my Weds. weigh in won't be a loss. Oh well. What is it '2 steps forward and 1 step back'. Or is it '1 step forward and 2 steps back'.

I start my first college class tomorrow. It is a 4 day class having to do with cpr and other health topics. Then I have next week off and the real radiology classes start on 9/24. So, I'm looking forward to that and also to my mom coming down tonight for a few days. She wanted to help take Chase to school while I'm at school just for the week so that was very nice. We will go to that concert tonight, Doherty, and then later in the week take my son to the fair to do some rides. Now I just have to stay away from those elephant ears! yikes. Anyone else have a weakness for these doughy, cinnamon-sugary dessert?

I hope everyone has a great week.

Walmart sucks

Feel like ranting today. I dropped my son off at school and went over the local Walmart in my town. I usually don't go to this one as it sucks. It was early and only bought 2 things, as teacher said he needs an umbrella. First of all, if you are a true washintonian then you rarely use an umbrella. You make due and you use a hood or whatever. Anyway, I get in line and I'm behind this guy who is just buying white t-shirts and jeans. He actually has a pair on and the lady has to zap the tag right off his body. I'm thinking, "what pants did he wear in here?". Then I notice he had on the new t-shirt too. Did he come in here in his underwear?

Then he tries to run the card on credit. Then he says "no, I need cash so run as a debit". They tried to run in like 10 times and no go. So finally he says "ok, run it as credit". Then that doesn't work as it says he needs a new card or needs to see customer service agent. So about 15 minutes of this and only one other line open way across the store. So, since I can't get past this guy I go to the other line. Then it's some lady that can't find the bar code on her stuff and then it's a debate with her daughter about if they can afford all the stuff. I finally get through the line and it's only 9am! Walmart sucks big time. I don't mean to rude but sometimes I get so tired of the dumb, white trash, poor people in my area that couldn't move fast if a rhino was behind them. Ok.....I'm calming down now and don't mean to offend anyone. I am not going into that store again....the one in a diff. city is so much better. Maybe I need to move out of this town but doesn't look like that's going to happen soon.

I find myself crying a lot about my friends passing. Why can't I move on and quit dwelling on it? I know why, cause she was so close to me, to my heart. I want to pick up the phone and call her but I know she is no longer there. I invested so much of myself in that friendship and I knew it would really hurt when I lost her. I'm kind of feeling that my big challenge next week of going back to college is going to be a really hard time for me. Maybe it's the timing or what. I need to focus on school and give it all I got because I hear this first quarter of radiology is really hard. I also have worked very hard to get into this school and can't blow it now. I need to focus and find the time to do homework too....so I will be burning both ends of the candle. Lord, give me the strength to do this and be sane around my family. My boy and husband need so much of me too. I can do this, I am strong, well, somewhere in here.

On the diet front, after I started eating more food my wt jumped up a little. I guess I expected it too with all the water wt lost. I will combat it by going to the gym today and trying to have healthy weekend of eating. The bright spot is that we are going down to Oregon tomorrow for my husband's race and I'll get to visit that cute town of Hood River. I really liked it when I visited it before. Then, on Monday, the local big fair is happening (for a few weeks) and my mom is coming into town and wants me to go to the concert, Chris Doherty. You know, the rocker guy that was on American Idol. I didn't watch idol that much but I've heard his songs on the radio so I think that will be fun.

Friends have been calling a lot to offer me support. I haven't talked to hardly any of them at all. Maybe I want to mourn in peace? Maybe they don't understand the relationship that I had with her as they didn't know her well. I've talked to one friend that was best friends with Dawn when we were in high school and beyond. She is having a hard time too. I'm also having a hard time that I can't go to the funeral on Monday. I have too many committments and the airfare is sky high at $479. I chose to go down and see Dawn when she was alive so I'm happy about that. I just wish I could be there for her family. I know Dawn knows that I love her and that is what was most important. So, we will send flowers and cards and hope that helps a little.

Well, sorry this was kind of downer post but that's how I feel today. I hope brighter days are ahead for me. I am feeling better but not quite over my tummy flu thing. And, I hope you all will have a safe and healthy weekend. Oh, and here is an article about emotional eating, something that I've struggled with in the past. It's good to read about ways to combat it when it rears it's ugly head. ha. http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=596

weigh in and news I didn't want to get

My weigh in for today is I am down -4.5 pounds!! That brings me to 201! So close to onderland I can taste it. Even though I felt I was eating too much on Saturday and Sunday I came down with some stomach bug on Monday and am losing weight rapidly!! I'm afraid it is mostly water weight as I can't keep much down so we'll see if I can keep it off next week. I still haven't kicked this bug and don't know know how to. I guess I just have to wait it out. It's been a long time since I've felt this ill and weak. I wouldn't want anyone to have to lose weight this way. I'm afraid it's not fat loss but muscle and water loss as I'm feeling lethargic.

I have been trouble getting all the things I need to do...done. I got my son off to his first day of school but found myself sweating while we were in his classroom. Think I have a fever, it sucks! So, I only got in 2 days of exercise and that was just walking. I hope to get well soon so I can resume my workouts.

I also got the bad news that I knew would be coming that my friend Dawn had passed away yesterday. I knew it was coming but I guess I didn't think it would be so soon. But, she didn't look good when I saw her last week. I am just thankful that I had a lot of time with her this year and I hope she is at peace now. I believe that she is, and that she is with her mother and sister who passed away before her.

That's all I got today. Check out my post from yesterday about vegas and the room and things. I need to go lay down....ick. Hope you all are doing well.

Some pics to share of vegas

Here's some pics of the room I had in vegas. They didn't come out too well but it was like neon pink and white vinyl along with stripes on the wall. They had those big lights bulbs like you have in you standard bathroom and they were bright cause they were right above the bed! I didn't like that....I wanted my room dimmer and more relaxing. But, I did like the plasma tv and the mirror in the bathroom w/ a tv built into it. Also had the glass shower and cd/dvd player and ipod hookup. It was kinda weird how at night if you had the bathroom light on it kind of gave off a neon pink glow.

I didn't take any other pictures of my friend Dawn. She wasn't at her best and we have so many pics of us having happy times as I have been taking them from the last 2 years or so. I called down there to talk to her hubby and see how things Dawn is doing and it is getting bad which I knew it would. Her MIL called me later and told me to speak into the phone and she would put in at Dawn's ear as she said even though she sleeps a lot she can hear. So I did and told her how I felt about her and things and then the MIL says she is reaching for the phone. I don't know but it felt strange. Dawn's sister was coming down to see her again and help out and they are deciding if they can keep up the home care or if she will go to a hospice place to die. I thought the plan was to die at home but I think it's another story when they have to be the caregivers 24/7 and I can't imagine all they have to go through when someone is at the end. Anyway, of course this is weighing heavily on my mind and how can it not. I wish I lived closer. At least I had a lot of time to say goodbye and tell her how much she means to me.

In other news, I was eating too much at the cabin on Satuday and Sunday and all Sunday night my stomach felt weird. So woke up on Monday morning with the tummy flu and I have been living in the bathroom for the past 2 days. The scale is going down rapidly but how can it not from not being able to eat much at all. All I could get down was a banana and piece of toast. So, feeling weak and having trouble getting all the things done I need to do. My son is starting school, he wants me to play with him, I have errands to do but what can you do if you can't get far? Arrgghhh. Hope it is over soon!!

I'll weigh in tomorrow and let you know the result. Could be a bunch of wt loss to due to water loss but I'll take it! I really would not like to lose it this way and I'll see if I can keep it off when the appetite comes back.

We had a pretty good weekend at the cabin though the weather was only about 70-75 degrees. We have had a cool summer compared to past summers. Here is a pic of my boy playing in the water. He's part fish I think as he spent a lot of time in the water and even tried being pulled behind the boat on a board and inner tube.

Hope you all are having a good week and I'll try to get to the blogs but not getting to very many this week!